Innholdsfortegnelse for March 2014 i Maxim

You sent us cheers, you sent us jeers. Would it kill you guys to send us beers? Box o’ Foxes I’ve got a box full of every issue of Maxim I’ve ever owned, dating back to 2002. There are even a few Stuff issues in there. What should I do with them? Should I recycle them? Make a tiny fort out of them? Should I make a papier-mâché Megan Fox? Or maybe make some clothes, Lady Gaga style? —Matt, via e-mail So many great options! We’d go with clothes, because while a papier-mâché Megan Fox sounds nice, it could lead to, um, hard-toexplain paper cuts. Trust us on that one, Matt. And send us pics! Car Cock Regarding your “Best Cars of the Year” [November]: My dick has 727 hp,…

Hometown: Hong Kong Job: Actor/Model/Singer-Songwriter/Martial Artist Astrological sign: Gemini My go-to drink is Glenlivet 18 straight. My favorite line from a movie is “ Take them to the graveyard, and then maybe they ll change their minds,’ by Roy Horan in Game of Death II. Deep stuff! The last thing that made me LOL was watching “Wipeout … Japanese-inspired TV shows are definitely out there. The worst pickup line I’ve ever heard was" How do you like your eggs in the morning: scrambled or fertilized?" If I named a sandwich after myself, I would call it Fire in a Bun, a delicate Chinese bun with sweet-and-sour sauce and deadly hot peppers you find only in Sichuan, China.…

Utter the name Paz and our mouths start to water. (Partly because it makes us think of PEZ candy, but mostly because Paz is super-duper good-looking.) Our crush began when she first sauntered onto HBO’s Boardwalk Empire as Nucky Thompson’s piece on the side, Lucy Danziger. And now that crush has blossomed into full-blown love thanks to her new role in the thriller Nurse. The brunette beauty fulfills every man’s fantasy with her portrayal of a—you guessed it—sweet, nurturing nurse. Of course, she also moonlights as a psychotic murderess who lures cheating men to their brutal demise. But every woman’s got her quirks, right? Nurse is in theaters and on VOD now.…

How do you want to go? I would like to implode somehow. And what’s your loudmouthed Saturday Night Live character Anthony Crispino’s version of how you died? “So, uh…you hear about this thing, though? That guy Artie Lange from MADtv passed away!” Do you have any deathbed confessions? I may or may not have robbed over 42 banks. When you arrive at the pearly gates, would you rather be judged by God or Lorne Michaels? I am not positive that they are different people. Is your SNL character Ass Dan waiting for you in hell? Nope. Ass Dan is going to live forev…Oops. He just passed away. So, yes. He is. Who’d win in an afterlife fistfight: Chozen—the gay, white, ex-con rapper from your new show—or Drunk Uncle? It’s hard…

WILL BARRETT, head of avalanche forecasting at Breckenridge Ski Resort, explains the sweet science of starting avalanches. ENJOY ICICLES IN YOUR NOSTRILS “Most of the training is on-the-job—climbing and backcountry skiing—and I’ve seen windchills of -100°F at the summit. We breathe weather all season long, so we can predict problems in our snow pack that may cause an avalanche.” KNOW YOUR SNOW “There are five different classes of avalanche: Class 1 is a small, loosesnow avalanche that won’t cause harm; Class 5 would be the entire mountain releasing all the way to the ground. We record 125 to 150 avalanches that are Class 2 or above every year.” THEN BLOW IT UP “When we see risky snow layers, we bring in the explosives, mostly twoto five-pound hand charges. We’ll ski…

DESENSITIZE “Repetition is key. Your throat is naturally sensitive, but if you keep sticking things back there it loses its sensitivity.” MAKE MOUTH LUBE “I hate comparing it to sex, but that is the best way to explain it: If you try to stick something into a dry area, it’s going to be harder to fit. Chewing and eating get your saliva going, so I always snack beforehand to help the sword slide in easier.” MASTER YOUR INSIDES “I’ve learned to psych myself out of needing to sneeze or yawn. By now if I need to puke, I can just use my throat muscles.” RESPECT THE BLADE “Accidents happen when performers get cocky. A lot of people have a scar under their Adam’s apple from forcing swords past the second…

Blade 350 QX Quadcopter Getting your hands on a surveillance drone used to require high-level security clearance (or an Amazon account). This remote-controlled quadcopter comes with a GoPro-compatible dock for snagging floating footage. $470, bladehelis.com Tern Eclipse S18 Folding bikes are easier to schlep around, but they tend to be way flimsy. Not this collapser. Like an eco-friendly Transformer, it’s designed to handle potholes and features an LED lighting system that wards off crash-happy drivers. Our fave feature: The seat post doubles as an air pump—just pop it off and blow some rubbers! $2,100, ternbicycles.com Livescribe 3 Smartpen Phones and tablets: great for crushing candy, not so great for typing notes. When you put this “smartpen” to special “dot paper,” it uses Bluetooth to beam a digital copy of your…

Bra H&M Lace bottom Cosabella Cardigan Topshop Heels Manolo Blahnik (previous spread) Wolf shirt Stylist’s own Heels Christian Louboutin Earrings Like a City Laura Vandervoort frst soared into our homes in 2007 as Smallville’s smokin’ Kara Zor-El, a.k.a. Supergirl. That’s enough to secure anyone a spot in the geek hall of fame, but Laura sealed the deal in 2009 with the role of a smokin’ lizard princess invading Earth in the reboot of the ’80s cult classic V. With sci-f chops like that, it’s no wonder she’s the lead licker in Bitten, Syfy’s gritty take on werewolves, in which she plays the only female werewolf in the world. (Who, coincidentally, is also smokin’.) Congrats on your frst Maxim cover! We heard it was pretty cold on set. Thank you! We…

Most women don’t become the face of one of the sexiest brands in the world thanks to a chance encounter at a country music concert. But that’s exactly what happened to stunning 25-year-old Ashley Diana Morris. Now the Canadian cutie joins a long list of gorgeous Guess girls, from Claudia Schiffer to Kate Upton. Our guess? You will fall for her instantly. Tell us how you were discovered. It sounds like a cliché, but about two years ago I was at a Dierks Bentley concert in Vancouver, and this woman came up to me after the show and asked if I’d ever modeled before. The answer was no. It turns out she was a photographer who works with Guess, and she arranged for me to fly to L.A. for a…

“WAKE THE FUCK UP, JABRONI!” shouts the Iron Sheik. It’s lunchtime at his manager’s house in Toronto, and the Sheik is working. We’re at a kitchen table littered with plates of Persian food, a pack of Camel Filters, four empty cans of Coors Light, one bottle of Glenrothes whisky, and a gold-plated microphone. To the Sheik’s right, a twentysomething computer programmer adjusts the mike. To the Sheik’s left, Brutus “the Barber” Beefcake, a 6’4" ex-wrestler, passes the time rolling a joint and occasionally interrupting the Sheik’s takes. The sound bites are being recorded for a smartphone app called the Iron Sheik Alarm Clock. If you watched his merciless ringside rants in the 1980s or more recently heard his uncensored tirades on The Howard Stern Show, in person the Sheik is…

For three decades Steve Mann has been developing his EyeTap technology, and now the rest of us get to reap the fruits of his work. The Meta SpaceGlasses are a commercial version of Mann’s smart eyewear, available this spring for $667. So what does that get you? And why choose SpaceGlasses over Google Glass? “SpaceGlasses provide a true 3D vision and user interface,” says Mann, and don’t cause the eyestrain that results from having only one eye engaged, as with Google Glass. Users will be able to interact directly with the 3D world, whether playing chess (1), or video games, like this first-person shooter(2), or “sculpting” objects with hand gestures (3), and sending the objects to a 3D printer. You’ll also be able to use them for more functional applications.…

Last year my brother, Jack, gave me one of the coolest Christmas presents ever, a one-year subscription to Maxim! I was so excited, but month after month passed and I never received it. Finally I wrote your customer service team. Turns out the USPS postman was sending them back as “undeliverable.” I confronted him and found out that my brother had bought the subscription for Jacks Littlebitch. The postman found this offensive and has delivered only one magazine and refuses to deliver anymore until the name is changed. And we wonder why the USPS is going bankrupt! —Charles, Algonquin, IL Tell him you’re French and that your name is actually Jack Litt-Lebitch and that this is discrimination! WE GOT IT IN THE MAIL Lather Me Up, Scotty Our latest special…

JOE FRANCIS EXPLOITING SOMEONE CRABS (CRUSTACEANS) CRABS (STD) TWERKING WHITE GIRLS AT SEÑOR FROG’S MORNING-AFTER REGRETS YET ANOTHER SKRILLEX SONG TWO HANGOVERS IN ONE DAY UNFORTUNATE TAN LINES WATERED-DOWN DRINKS AT AN OPEN BAR INCOMPREHENSIBLE TEXT MESSAGES ANNOYED FAMILY WHO BOOKED THEIR VACATION DURING SPRING BREAK PHOTOS OF PASSED-OUT GUY ON INSTAGRAM VISIT TO THIRDWORLD HOSPITAL IMPROPERLY COMMANDEERED GOLF CARTS DRUNK GIRL CRYING BLOW-UP DOLL AS FLOTATION DEVICE LOST PASSPORT HENNA TATTOO OF MISTRANSLATED JAPANESE SYMBOL FAT GUY IN WET T-SHIRT CONTEST DOUCHEBAG WEARING SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT GIRL WEARING HEELS ON THE BEACH BEER-PONG BRAWL HALF-EMPTY BOTTLES OF MIKE’S HARD LEMONADE WITH CIGARETTE BUTTS FLOATING IN THEM CALLING MOM FROM MEXICAN JAIL PRIVATES SCHOOL Adult Education As the scholarly journal Porn Studies debuts, funnylady NATASHA LEGGERO shares tips she’s learned…

So what was the issue here today? I was called in to snake some drains and drain some pipes, a pretty standard day of work. Did the staff feel embarrassed by the fact that a hot lady like you had to clean up their mess? A few editors were nervous that I would judge them by the plumbing, but I told them not to worry—I’ve seen much worse. Do you think any of them may tamper with the plumbing system to get you back here? I have a feeling that might happen, but honestly, I don’t really mind! Is that because the job pays well or because the staff is so charming? I’d have to say a bit of both. The guys were cool, but unfortunately I was so busy…

Christopher Navalta, who works in sports public relations, explains: “When the bottom of the Cup’s five rings is filled, the top ring—which is the oldest part—is removed and sent to the Hockey Hall of Fame, and a fresh band is placed at the bottom so the Cup stays the same size.” It turns out two rings have actually already been removed. You’d think that the oldest and most coveted prize in North American sports would keep all the names of past champions, but it will also be awesome when the band that has the Anaheim Ducks on it disappears. Can water cause allergies? —Henry Gordon What’s worse than being gluten-free? Having Aquagenic Urticaria. “For those affected, any contact with water causes a hivelike rash,” says Marc Leavey, M.D., at Mercy…

FOR THE MEATBALLS • ½ lb. lean ground beef • 2 Tbs. minced yellow onion • 1 garlic clove, minced • 1 egg white • 2 Tbs. seasoned bread crumbs • Salt and per to taste FOR THE PASTA • 5 cups plus 3 Tbs. vegetable oil, divided • ½ lb. cooked spaghetti • 2 cups marinara sauce • 1 cup grated Parmesan • Salt and pepper 1 Line a baking sheet and a shallow baking dish with parchment paper. 2 Mix the meatball ingredients in a bowl until combined. Shape into eight oneinch balls. 3 Warm 3 Tbs. of the vegetable oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add meatballs and cook, turning to brown on all sides, until just cooked through. Remove from heat and let cool.…

BORROW OR RENT A CAR “Call first to make sure manuals are available, because rentals in the U.S. are almost all automatics. When you pick up the car, have somebody else drive it out of the lot for you. I wouldn’t let them know your goal is to learn, of course.” UNDERSTAND SOME THEORY “You need to know what the clutch does. When you push it in, it separates the engine from the rest of the transmission and the drive wheels.” GET ROLLING “Sit forward enough to be able to press the clutch all the way down to the floor. Generally people sit too far back. Without applying any throttle, put the clutch in, select first gear, and release the clutch really slowly. Once you get moving, put the clutch…

Superventriloquist JEFF DUNHAM and his little buddy Achmed roll in Bat-tastic style. How many cars do you have? I think it’s 45 or something like that. Seems like ventriloquism has been good to you! I look at this as my stock market. I promised my financial adviser that anything I buy will either maintain or increase its value. Do you have a favorite? The Batmobile. Have you ever been pulled over in it? One time a cop pulled me over and said, “What is this?” I was like, “Uh, the Batmobile.” How could he not know what it is? Do you ever feel like fighting crime while driving it? That was actually in the contract I signed with Warner Bros. I agreed I was not going to fight crimes if…

SIXTEEN YEARS AGO a young Tara Lipinski figure-skated her way into America’s hearts, taking first place at Nagano and becoming the youngest individual gold medalist in the history of the Winter Olympics. Now she’s all grown up and trading her skates for headphones as an analyst at the Sochi Games. Prepare to be judged! In 1998 Houston declared March 1 to be Tara Lipinski Day, so we should start by saying, “Happy Tara Lipinski Day!” What are you doing to celebrate? Really? I had no idea! I’ll just be coming back from Sochi, so I’ll probably be jet-lagged. Is it going to be weird not being on the ice this time? No. Since Nagano I’ve been at every Olympics except Turin and wasn’t competing. I’m most excited about going back…

Best Superman The late, great Christopher Reeve made us believe a man could have X-ray vision, reverse Earth’s orbit, straighten the Leaning Tower of Pisa, fly, and make a legitimate career in journalism. Which is no small feat when you only have special effects from 1978 at your disposal. 1. Christopher Reeve Superman I–IV 2. Henry Cavill Man of Steel 3. George Reeves Adventures of Superman (TV) 4. Tom Welling Smallville (TV) 5. Dean Cain Lois & Clark (TV) 6. Brandon Routh Superman Returns Best Darth Vader Which filled fans with more giddy dread, the asthmatic baritone or the leather thigh-highs? It definitely wasn’t Jake Lloyd’s whining or Hayden’s rattail, that’s for shit sure. James Earl Jones The Voice of Darth Jake Lloyd Young Anakin Sebastian Shaw Old Anakin Hayden…

[MO’ MONEY REGION] 1 WINNING BIG Here’s a good rule: Dominant teams dominate! So schools that crush foes in the regular season tend to do so in the big dance. “If you look at the ultimate champion, their scoring average is usually between five and eight points better than the rest of the field’s,” says Peter Tiernan of BracketScience.com. In other words, it doesn’t matter who wins; it matters who wins by a lot. -VS- 8 MASCOT MADNESS Push numbers aside and pick your victors based on which team’s mascot would win in a fight. Just don’t expect it to work. Last year’s Final Four were the Orange, the Wolverines, the Cardinals, and the Shockers (really). By this logic, you’d pick the Wolverines, right? But alas, the Cardinals took the…

p.6: Shower curtain, ThinkGeek; tub, iStock p.7: Paperboy, H. Armstrong Roberts/Getty Images p.10: Paper in sand, Inga Nielsen/Getty Images; towel, Image Source/Getty Images; spray bottle, Stock4B GmbH/Alamy; golf ball, itographer/iStock; sunglasses, Brent Davis/iStock; crab, Don Bartell/Alamy; Natasha Leggero, David Livingston/Getty Images; cap, iStock; book, Yuri Kevhiev/Alamy p.11: Fallon, Dana Edelson/NBCU Photo Bank/Getty Images; Meyers, Dana Edelson/NBCU Photo Bank/Getty Images; Movies R Fun, Josh Cooley/Chronicle Books (5) p.15: Boob ice luge, Nancy Armstrong; martini, Rick Rhay/Getty Images p.18: Shirtless men, Jim Jordan Photography/The Image Bank; cow, iStock; iceman, AFP/Stringer/Getty Images; tissue box, Todd Taulman/Shutterstock p.19: Richter, Mark Sullivan/WireImage; squirrel, Max Ellis/AP Images; Santas, Leon Neal/AFP/Getty images p.23: Curler, Todd Korol/Reuters/Corbis p.24: Pig, Sebastian Marmaduke/Image Source/Corbis p.25: Marisa and Rick, Jennifer Hahn (3); Torah halfpipe, Adrian Dennis/AFP/Getty Images; Torah headshot, Christopher Black/Everett…

We here at Maxim know you have many choices at the newsstand. For example, there’s Bass Fishing, Bass Angler, and Bassin’—seriously, there are a lot of magazines devoted to bass fishing! So whether you’re reading this on paper, on a tablet, or on some other device that was invented in the time it took to type this sentence, you chose Maxim, and for that we love you. Emotionally and, heck, sure, some of you sexually. Since it launched in 1997, Maxim’s mission has been to entertain you with goofy jokes, gorgeous women, and the occasional picture of a monkey peeing in another monkey’s mouth. And apart from the odd “Holy shit, are you guys smoking marijuana crack over there?” letter, most of you seem to enjoy reading what we’ve done…

Adult Flicks for Kids Artist Josh Cooley illustrates iconic film scenes to introduce kids to the classics—and scar them for life. “The power of Christ compels you!” commanded Father Damien. “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse,” explained Don Corleone. “Run! Go! Git to da choppah!” screamed Ahnold. “Police! Freeze!” said Marge. “WRRRRRRRR…” went the wood chipper. Movies R Fun is out March 1. WINNER Meyers got more giggles, but how cute is Fallon? This battle is mostly moot, though, because you just know Leno will somehow rise from the dead and find a way to host both shows anyway.…

THE BOOB TUBE Beer funnel? More like beer funbag! Suckle your brew out of a giant mammary gland to demonstrate your commitment to partying and/or your serious mommy issues.$30, thedongbong.com BOOBZIE Give your can a set of cans with this classy beer koozie designed to look like Christina Hendricks squeezing into a toddler’s tank top. $9, boobzie.com ICERACK These double Ds pull double duty: They keep your drinks cold and provide photo ops when your buddy gets his tongue stuck to a frozen areola. $20, lugezstore.com The Swig Easy Laissez les bon temps rouler with this Mardi Gras cocktail from bar chef Ferrel Dugas at Commander’s Palace in New Orleans. It’s like beads for your mouth! SAZERAC “The Sazerac is the original cocktail, and it’s very New Orleans, so of…

Two Englishmen are sitting at a bar and become quite tipsy. One turns to the other and says, “Oy, where are you from?” The second man answers, “I’m from Liverpool.” The first man, surprised, replies, “No way! I’m from Liverpool, too! What school did you go to?” The second man answers, “St. Mary’s.” “Wow!” yells the first man. “Me, too!” “No way,” says the second man. “What year did you graduate?” “Seventy-nine,” says the first man. “Oh, my God!” screams the second man. “I graduated in ’79, too!” “Oh, boy, it’s gonna be a long night,” sighs the bartender, turning to one of his other customers. “The Johnson twins are drunk again.” —MARK BURCHETTE See if your funny bone is bigger than ours. Send your funnies to jokes@maxim.com or tweet…

Supplies • One small Ziploc bag (a zip-closure freezer bag works best) • Measuring cup • ¼ cup warm water • ½ cup vinegar • 3 tsp. baking soda • A tissue • Brown paper lunch bag 1 Pour water into the Ziploc bag, followed by vinegar. 2 Partially seal the bag so you’ll be able to close it fast. 3 Place baking soda in the middle of the tissue and wrap it up tightly. 4 Put the tissue in the bag and zip it shut. Stick it in the lunch bag. 5 Bring the bag to your explosion site. When the baking soda and vinegar-water solution mix, they create an acid-base reaction that releases carbon dioxide gas, expanding the bag until it pops (hopefully near a coworker about to…

The LAMBORGHINI GALLARDO LP 570-4 SQUADRA CORSE is a racecar you won’t get arrested for driving to the mall. Feast your eyes on the greatest thing to come out of Italy since spaghetti met the meatball. Equipped with the same 5.2-liter V-10 engine as its racing counterpart, the Super Trofeo, the LP 570-4 Squadra Corse is the lightest, most stripped-down Lambo you (or, more likely, some really rich dude) can buy. Weighing in at a slender 2,954 pounds, the Corse boasts an impressive weight-to-power ratio of 5.18 pounds per horsepower, rendering it capable of making the 0–60 leap in a microscopic 3.4 seconds—and its six-speed e-gear transmission allows for a silky-smooth climb to a top speed of 199 mph. Lamborghini plans to unleash just 50 of these machines onto the…

Ditch the dreary winter duds and get sunny for spring. 1. Sperry Top-Sider Shoes, $70, sperrytopsider.com 2. Woolrich John Rich & Bros. South Bay jacket, $195, at Ron Herman, L.A. 3. Levi’s Sta Prest chinos, $78, levi.com 4. VK Nagrani Coolmax dress socks, $45, vknagrani.com 5. Toms Paseo sneakers, $64, toms.com 6. Obey Clothing Tropical floral shorts, $72, obeyclothing.com 7. Tommy Hilfiger Cotton tie, $65, macys.com 8. Vince Camuto Leaf print shirt, $85, vincecamuto.com 9. American Eagle Outfitters Fleece sweatshirt, $40, ae.com 10. Original Penguin Discharge print denim shorts, $79, original penguin.com 11. Havaianas Hype flip-flops, $26, us.havaianas.com 12. Tommy Hilfiger Kris polo, $79, tommy.com 13. Electric Everyday backpack, $50, electriccalifornia.com 14. Vans Idylwild snapback cap, $26, vans.com 15. Black Sail by Nautica Palm pleat shorts, $250, at Saks Fifth…

MORGAN You star on the new reality show #RichKids of Beverly Hills with your boyfriend. Are you concerned you’ll end up like Khloé and Lamar? I don’t see any harm in it. We’re all from Beverly Hills, not Kentucky. We’ve been living like this all of our lives. The only difference is that now there’s a camera. Do you worry about viewers being judgmental about your lifestyle? Of course, but at the same time I’ve always thought I’d end up involved in reality TV. I just have the personality for it. I’m not the type of girl to stand in the corner. You’re going to have an opinion about me whether you want me to die or you love me more than anything. So what are some things we’ll see…

How does it feel to be named an icon? I-con hardly believe it! Ahh! Wocka Wocka! See what I did there? “Icon…I can…” Hoo, boy, this is gonna be a tough interview. Do you have a favorite joke? I love all my jokes. (I just wish the audience felt the same way.) So it would be unfair to choose any single joke as my favorite. But if you wanna hear some jokes, here are a couple of humdingers: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway! Why did the chicken cross the Internet? To get to the other site! Wait, I’ve got more! As a comic you often deal with hecklers (especially Statler and Waldorf). How do you keep cool? I love hecklers. If they’re…

One summer night in Paris not long ago, Steve Mann took his wife and kids to the McDonald’s near the Champs-Élysées. “Normally we’d be looking for some fine cuisine,” he recalls, “but the kids saw the McDonald’s arches and they already made up their minds.” They were in the midst of a busy two-week vacation, and after another long day of sight-seeing–a river cruise, eight museums–they were hungry. As Mann waited in line to order, a clean-cut McDonald’s worker in a button-up blue shirt and tie asked him about his unusual eyewear: a narrow aluminum headband with a tiny computer lens fixed snugly against his right eye. Mann, a gangly, balding 50-year-old inventor, gets this question a lot because, for the past 34 years, he’s been living as a cyborg.…