Innholdsfortegnelse for February 2020 i Fairlady

It being Valentine’s month, on page 58 we answer a question that’s been asked through the ages: how do you make love stay? I don’t think there is only one answer – but in a world where fewer people are choosing marriage or even opting for long-term relationships, is it still even a valid question? I hope it is. I absolutely believe that one should immediately leave a relationship that’s abusive in any way (see our story on pathological narcissism on page 46 as an example). But I think that in a mutually supportive relationship you will need to push through some not-so-good – maybe just slightly flatter – bits to get to the real reward: a long, deep love that constantly renews itself. Singer, songwriter, musician, poet and artist…

A Diego dalla Palma hamper worth R3135! Diego dalla Palma is synonymous with skincare professionalism. Advanced skincare products and treatment methods are the outcome of research and development in close collaboration with dermatological and pharmaceutical faculties at the world’s leading universities. Cutting-edge cosmeceutical ingredients are combined with natural plant extracts, which are selected for their specific action to obtain the best results and take care of every skin type and condition. HAMPER CONSISTS OF: Draining Anti-Cellulite Thalasso Scrub (500g), 3-in-1 Total Body Cream (200ml), Dry Anti-Cellulite Oil (150ml) and Anti-Gravity Serum (125ml) diegodallapalma.com / FACEBOOK: RVB Cosmetics South Africa / INSTAGRAM: @diegodallapalmaprofessional_sa WRITE TO letters@fairlady.com…

Remember when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced that they were ‘consciously uncoupling’ back in 2014? The world responded with a unanimous eye-roll: why not call a spade a spade and say you’re getting divorced? There’s power in language though – calling someone a divorcee forever defines them in relation to a long-lost partner. Is that really necessary? Now another buzzword is making the rounds. In an interview with British Vogue last year, actress Emma Watson coined the phrase ‘self-partnered’ to describe her happy-to-be-single status. With her 30th birthday on the horizon, she was starting to feel ‘stressed and anxious’ about being on her own. ‘I realise it’s because there is suddenly this bloody influx of subliminal messaging around,’ she said. ‘If you have not built a home, if you…

• The person looks like they are under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs • They appear to be the victim of physical or sexual abuse, with bruises and scars they can’t explain • They’re branded in a way that seems to indicate ownership • There’s a significant change in personality – once they were outgoing; now they’re unhappy and disconnected • They’re always around a controlling or abusive ‘boyfriend’ or older woman • Their body language is one of fear and anxiety; they seem depressed, submissive, tense or paranoid • They travel in a group of people • They have very few possessions…

• Projecting your insecurities. ‘Sometimes we have an insecurity about the relationship, but actually it’s our own insecurity and there isn’t any real basis for it,’ says Dr Mulder Craig. • Having destructive conflicts. ‘Often I see couples fight the person, not the problem,’ says Lewin. Once you start blaming, naming and shaming, it becomes a destructive conflict. • Letting small issues become big problems. We tend to brush off a small unhappiness, thinking it will sort itself out. ‘But we are just letting it fester until it blows up,’ says Dr Mulder Craig. When an issue creeps up, address it. And if it’s too much, seek professional help – the sooner, the better. • Being too enmeshed as a couple. ‘When you’re too enmeshed, you can easily lose yourself,’…

WHO SAID YOU CAN HAVE TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING? NOT US. WELCOME TO OUR VALENTINE’S CHOCOLATE EXTRAVAGANZA. CHOCOLATE AND ROASTED ALMOND SEMIFREDDO SERVES 8 PREP + COOK TIME: 35 MIN (PLUS COOLING, FREEZING) If you don’t have an ice-cream maker this is an easy, velvety alternative. Be sure to toast the almonds thoroughly – the nuttiness is a wonderful contrast to the rich chocolate cream. Start this recipe a day ahead. • 125g blanched almonds • 5 eggs • 100g caster sugar • 300ml milk • ½ vanilla bean, split and seeds scraped • 280g dark chocolate (60%-68% cocoa solids), finely chopped • 200ml thickened cream 1. Preheat the oven to 190°C, and butter and line the base and sides of an 8cm x 8cm x 23cm loaf…

ZOZIBINI TUNZI Our new Ms Universe, who said this: ‘I grew up in a world where a woman who looks like me, with my kind of skin and hair, was never considered to be beautiful... I want children to see their faces reflected in mine.’ When asked what the most important thing to teach girls today was, she said: ’Leadership.’ Ladies, it’s love. THE STORY OF GARDENING BY PENELOPE HOBHOUSE WITH AMBRA EDWARDS This book is an informed look at gardening through the centuries, not only in terms of their design and structure, but also the obsession with various plants, advice on how to get it right and exquisite images that act like fertiliser for your brain. I am not a gardener, but I am fascinated by people…

• She was born in Honolulu, Hawaii, but grew up in Sydney, Australia. • Nicole’s younger sister Antonia is a journalist and TV presenter. • She sang all her own parts in the musical Moulin Rouge! and later recorded a version of the song ‘Something Stupid’ with Robbie Williams. • Her father, Antony Kidman, was a biochemist and clinical psychologist, and her mother, Janelle Ann Kidman, used to be a nursing instructor. • She is the first Australian actor to win the Academy Award for Best Actress.…

The symptoms of breast implant illness (BII) vary from person to person, but sufferers say there are common indications: fatigue, brain fog and memory loss; aching muscles and joints; dryness throughout the body; recurring infections; gastrointestinal and digestive problems; rashes; sensitivity to food and chemicals; anxiety; and problems with the adrenal glands and thyroid. According to the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA), there is not enough evidence to prove that these symptoms are the result of implants. Many medical specialists believe that not enough research has been done to make a scientifically informed call about BII. One of them is plastic and reconstructive surgeon Dr Stuart Geldenhuys, a leading expert in breast implants. ‘It would be irresponsible to practise anecdotal medicine,’ he says. ‘You have to work with scientific…

Step one, says Dani, is to actually write the book. (‘Ass in chair,’ as Nora says.) People often ask Jo for advice on publishing long before they’ve written a word. ‘Just do it,’ she says. ‘The only difference between me and every aspiring writer out there is that I just did it.’ Jo recommends putting your work on Wattpad to get feedback. ‘There’s a stigma about Wattpad because it used to be viewed as a fan fiction site, but it hasn’t been that for years. Wattpad books are being made into Netflix shows and movies, and they’ve started their own publishing arm. I can’t sing their praises enough.’ If you’re planning to self-publish on Amazon, Dani recommends spending money on a good editor. ‘A lot of new writers think they…

AN ODE TO MY SOULMATES My year off was also interesting, in that I didn’t feel any less loved, or cherished, or wanted. Why? Because my life is already rich with soulmates, and I got the chance to behold that. You don’t have to shag someone for them to be a soulmate. We don’t just need one person, says psychologist Jennifer L Taitz, author of How to be Single and Happy. ‘Actually, we need a core group, not a single person. Robin Dunbar, a University of Oxford anthropologist, famously said that in order to be happy, people need to deeply bond with roughly five people. Not just one.’ Five people. And I bet you have them already, right? During my sabbatical, I don’t orbit whoever-I’m-seeing like the Earth slavishly circles…

Cuffing season The time of year when you wouldn’t mind being tied down, just so you have someone (anyone, really) to cuddle on the couch with. The romance will fizzle out by September. Ghostlighting A combination of ‘ghosting’ and ‘gaslighting’: when someone you’ve been dating cuts off all communication with you, then pretends there was never anything going on to begin with. Ouch. Sneating When you agree to date someone just for the free meal. Apparently there is such a thing as a free lunch.…

in Greek mythology, Narcissus came upon a pool of water and, upon seeing his reflection, fell in love. Captivated by his own image, he refused to leave the object of his desire, and withered away in front of it. In his place, all that remained was a golden daffodil. These days ‘narcissist’ has become something of a buzzword, carelessly tossed about in daily conversation, usually accompanied by an eye-roll. When you hear the word, you may think of your overbearing mother-in-law, your selfie-obsessed friend or the most obvious example, Donald Trump. But in fact, the term refers to a serious personality disorder, one that Trump may well be suffering from – The Atlantic recently argued that he exhibited all the classic signs of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Trump aside, Renata…

HOW TO GET THERE Jozi to Livingstone: from R3 439 (BA Com Air; SAA) COSTS The Royal Livingstone by Anantara: from R6 873/room/night in a Deluxe Room, including breakfast. Their Heavenly Romance Special Offer (R9 569/night) includes 3 nights or more plus breakfasts, one set menu at The Old Drift, return private water & land cruiser transfers, a romantic spa treatment, a 15-minute helicopter ride and a sunset cruise, et al. PRECAUTION  Livingstone is a malaria area. I used Tabbard. GOOD TO KNOW The RL activity desk helps you tailor your itinerary to your taste: horseback adventures, sunset cruises and safaris, bungee-jumping, whitewater rafting, a dip in the Devil’s Pool (offered only when water levels are low enough) etc.…

I have a history of abscesses in my groin, pubic and armpit area. I have drained them several times in the past few months, but they keep coming back. They tend to heal on their own; only three have ever required medical intervention. Do I need to see a dermatologist? A: Unfortunately, it sounds as if you suffer from a condition called hidradenitis suppurativa, a very uncomfortable-sounding name for an uncomfortable condition that is difficult to cure but has lots of treatment options. It’s a kind of acne that affects the skin in glandular or ‘sweaty’ areas of the body: under the arms, in the groin, around the bum. The glandular skin becomes inflamed and constantly develops boils. These can be sore and red; they can become infected and give…

Benefit Benetint Cheek & Lip Stain, R195 Believe it or not, this product has been around since the ’70s! It was created for an exotic dancer (the origin story isn’t exactly wholesome) and its popularity has soared ever since. The rose-coloured tint gives your lips a rich, natural hue and doubles as a blush. Burt’s Bees Beeswax Lip Balm, R99 Burt’s Bees has been around since 1984, but launched in SA only last year. A little yellow tube of lip balm is sold every second worldwide. Think about it: that’s 86 400 a day! The nourishing balm is a blend of shea butter, botanical oils, vitamin E and beeswax. Available at Dis-Chem or from takealot.com Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Skin Protectant, R315 Created in 1930, this is one of the…

The winelands are coming to you this month! Spier is hosting a pop-up at Casalinga in Muldersdrift on Saturday, 29 February, bringing their excellent wines, seasonal farm produce and delicious (and ethical) Farmer Angus pasture-reared meats. The R200 tickets include five wine tastings, a complimentary Spier glass and a bottle of Spier Signature Collection Chardonnay/ Pinot Noir to take home (see review, right). Children’s tickets are R100 and include a grape  juice tasting and access to a play area. Book at webtickets.co.za SPIER SIGNATURE COLLECTION CHARDONNAY/PINOT NOIR 2019, R69,99 There is nothing quite like a light, chilled rosé on a hot day, and this blend deserves its spot in Spier’s signature wine collection. It’s light and fruity, not too sweet and not too tart, with a soft strawberry scent on…

WINNING LETTER BOREDOM LOADING… Suzy touched on something we seem to have forgotten about – the art of being bored [Ed’s letter, December 2019]. Reading this on a Sunday afternoon just before the holidays, I’m looking forward to being bored out of my mind in the weeks to come. And while it is true that holidays are filled with fun, cooking, people, dancing and travelling, I will INSIST on some essential summer holiday basics. This includes sleeping in, being in my pyjamas the entire day, lounging next to the pool with a book, taking naps and (best of all) having nothing to do. Being an event planner, I look forward to giving my brain a break by planning as little as possible. I am comfortable with being bored, as my…

FUDGED RESULTS We did an informal tasting of these packs of Quinnies Homemade Fudge in the office, and (after much debate) came to absolutely no consensus about which flavour was the best. Some voted for the sweet, creamy white chocolate fudge. Others chose the coffee fudge – the hint of coffee tempers the sweetness nicely. The milk chocolate fudge was also popular, and a fairly vocal group preferred the traditional vanilla fudge to all the others. So if you were hoping for some kind of specific recommendation, we’re no help at all. Available from quinnies.co.za Liesl Over the moon Although everyone in the office was joking that I got a prison tattoo, I think this hand-poked piece of art was well worth the teasing. Through her initiative, Moon Magic, local tattoo…

Many women who are considering breast implants often aren’t fully informed about the risks. Allergan, one of the world’s largest breast implant manufacturers, recently came under fire when it was revealed that their Biocell implants were associated with an elevated risk of a rare cancer called anaplastic large cell lymphoma (BIA-ALCL). Allergan’s saline and silicone-filled Biocell implants are textured, which allows the implant to attach to the breast tissue, giving the breast a more natural-looking shape. BIA-ALCL is a cancer of the immune system caused by the scar tissue or fluid surrounding the breasts. The FDA has reported 573 confirmed cases of BIA-ALCL and 33 deaths. Almost 84 percent of the confirmed cases (and 12 deaths) have been associated with Allergan’s Biocell implants. Last April, France took a monumental step…

Believing that no man would ever want me again, I felt like a 50-year-old virgin as I posted my divorce announcement on Facebook and Instagram. I experienced a tremendous sense of sadness as I wrote it, but there was also an element of excitement at the release from a situation that no longer made me happy. My intention was to announce the end of my marriage with all the love, respect and gravity I felt it warranted. The reaction was one of astonishment; everyone knew how ardently I had loved my husband. I’d waited until the decree absolute, almost two years after our separation, before publishing a word. A decade of marriage, gone. Love, grief and intimacy were the subjects of my Amazon #1 bestseller, Mama: Love, Motherhood and Revolution,…

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER is characterised by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and lack of empathy. The behaviour usually begins in early adulthood and presents in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: • Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognised as superior) • Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love • Believes he or she is unique, and can be understood only by (or should associate with) other special or high-status people or institutions • Requires excessive admiration • Has a sense of entitlement: unreasonable expectations of favourable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations • Is exploitative: takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends…

Whether you’re single or happily coupled up, here’s our suggestion: treat yourself this Valentine’s Day. (It’s called self-care – look it up!) We’re thinking a new fragrance sounds like just the thing… with hundreds of beautiful bottles to pick from, complicated jargon and all-too-eager retail assistants spritzing you at the door, picking out a fragrance in-store can be rather daunting. Unfortunately, there’s no real alternative to actually going to a store to try it out. Failing that, following our expert guide will save you time and money. Hot tip  Don’t make your final decision at perfume counter. Spray some options on a few tester sticks and, once you’ve narrowed them down, spritz the scent on your wrist and let it develop on your skin throughout the day. Hot tip  When…

Off the cuff Statement sleeves aren’t just reserved for the ’80s and Princess Di. Team them with a simple bottom such as a midi skirt or classic pair of trousers for a work-appropriate ensemble. When life gives you lemons... What’s more festive than the colour yellow? This lemony shade is perfect for those with deeper skin tones. Look for a dress with a deep v-neck or a ruffle if you need some help in the bust department. Power puff Drama meets romance in this crocheted lace top with puffed sleeves. This power sleeve has been seen on every major runway and has captured the hearts of fashion lovers all over the world. The take-home message: the bigger the sleeve, the better! Ripple effect Looking for an easy way to look…

CHICKEN AND LEMON TAGINE Serves 4 The flavour of this delicious, slow-cooked chicken tagine with preserved lemons and green olives can be found all over Morocco. It’s delicious when served with a simple peasant salad and moreish torn flatbread or couscous. FOR THE RUB • 2 tsp ground ginger • 1 tsp cumin seeds, dry roasted, then ground using a pestle and mortar • 1 tsp paprika • ¼ tsp ground cloves • ½ tsp Maldon salt • ½ tsp pepper, to season • 8 skinless chicken portions (we prefer thighs and drumsticks) FOR THE TAGINE • 2 tbsp olive oil • 3 onions, chopped • 2 garlic cloves, crushed •1/3 cup de-pitted, quality green olives • 2 preserved lemons, quartered, with pips removed • 125ml chicken stock • 60g…

BORDERLINE BY MARITA VAN DER VYVER Theresa’s former husband Theo has been little but a shadow in her life: he’s spent the past two decades in an institution. Now that he’s dead, she finds herself unsure how to mourn for a man she’s tried so hard to put behind her. But going through a box of his belongings from his days as a teenage conscript on the South African border in the ’70s, she finds his journal – as well as a blood-stained letter written in Spanish. With the help of a friend, she discovers that the letter was written by a dead Cuban soldier and is addressed to the daughter he never met. Theresa feels duty-bound to head to Cuba to deliver the letter, maybe to atone for her…

Aquarius 20 Jan – 18 Feb Anxiety is mostly anathema to Aquarians, whose drive is to expect the unexpected and roll with it. A little more nervous energy than usual may colour your perception now, but ignoring it is your best plan of action. It’s astonishing how quickly we’re able to calm ourselves down if we don’t give in to the whining, insidious voice of doom inside our heads. Pisces 19 Feb – 20 Mar It’s the end of the world as you know it, but – no surprises here – you’ll feel fine. A cycle has been ceremoniously signed off and your capacity for budding growth, quadrupled. Treat your soul to virtual bubbles, given that goodbyes, no matter how longed for, still occasionally sting. No regrets, pretty Pisces; whatever…