Innholdsfortegnelse for September 2014 i Esquire

ADDITIONALLY… AN ESQUIRE MAN: CAPTAIN SID LANDRY Turns out the airboat captain who drove Chris Pratt around for our cover story is as interesting as the leading man. > I own one fifth of one fifth of this land. It's 14,000 acres, which my grandfather bought in the '30s or '40s for a nickel an acre. My siblings all pitch in. I take care of the land, and they hold out their hands for money. > I hunt for alligators and alligator eggs and sell them to farmers. Only 3 to 4 percent of alligators survive in the wild, so the farmers have to put 12 percent of all four-foot gators back in the canals. >A lot of buttheads have shot music videos here. The rapper Juvenile and his group…

SO THERE'S THIS GUY named John working in his store one day when he hears this booming voice from above that says, "John, sell your store." He ignores it. But after weeks of being harassed, he relents and sells his store. The voice says, "John, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. The voice says, "John, go to the blackjack table and put it all down on one hand." He's dealt a 19. The dealer has a 6 showing. "Take a card." "What? The dealer has a si—" "Take. A. Card." He gets an ace. "Take another card." "But I have 20!" "Take another card!" Scared, John says, "Hit me." He gets another ace—21. The voice says, "Un-fucking-believable." ABOUT THE JOKESTER: On the Showtime…

When Apple's HomeKit debuts along with its latest software update this fall, you'll be able to control multiple smart-home devices through simple commands to Siri. Think Tony Stark's Jarvis, except with automated appliances that you can buy already at your hardware store. Apple's announcement in June about the new platform made me curious just how easy it is to maintain your house remotely. I began ordering products from companies that have collaborated with Apple, but opted not to send them to myself in Brooklyn. What's the fun in controlling a bounce-house-sized studio when you've got a duplex in Dallas? In coordination with my tenants, I installed the [1] Chamberlain MyQ garage-door controller ($130; chamberlain.com), [2] Kwickset Kevo electronic dead bolt ($220; kwickset.com), [3] Philips Hue lights ($200 for starter pack…

RESTOCK THE OL' PANTS DRAWER For chinos: Used to be you had to choose between a pair that fit well and a pair that was comfortable. Today you can just look for a pair with a little elastane or polyurethane woven with the cotton. There's plenty of give but no bagginess. For jeans: For all the fits and finishes available in stores large and small, best to keep things simple. Straight leg, medium blue, no logos, no distressing. For now, forever. FOR CORDS: PICK A BOLD COLOR—ANY BOLD COLOR. BECAUSE NO CLOTH DOES MORE WITH COLOR THAN CORDUROY, MOSTLY BECAUSE THE WALES ALLOW FOR DEPTH AND VARIEGATION THAT YOU CAN'T GET WITH A FLAT WEAVE. 1 BE A MAN.WEAR A SUIT. We are well past the point at which wearing…

Not department stores. Not discount stores. Not company stores that sell only one brand or chain stores that fill up suburban malls. We mean stores—specialty stores, if you want to get technical about it—the one-of-a-kind operations with smart salesmen and surprising options and the kind of service that makes you wonder why you'd ever settle for anything less. Coast to coast, these are the best of them right now. 1 / Sid Mashburn Atlanta; est. 2007 Notable stock: Barbour, Globe-Trotter, Incotex, Edward Green, Levi's There weren't many worse years to launch an ambitious clothing store than 2007—1928? 2001?—but you wouldn't know it stepping into this refuge for men on Atlanta's west side. Mashburn, who worked as a designer for three decades at J. Crew, Ralph Lauren, and Lands' End, wanted…

You can keep the Constitution, the Colt .45, the Internet, and the iPhone: What makes me proudest as an American is our sandwiches. There are a lot of us. We eat a lot. We eat on the move. And we make it up as we go along. We didn't require some British aristocrat to take the basic stuff of life—meat and cheese and often more meat and more cheese—and put it between two slices of bread. No, all we needed to create the sub and the Dagwood and the Cubano and the French dip and the pastrami on rye was the unleashed energies of a million hungry people from a hundred different cultures. People who didn't have the time to sit down or the space, or just didn't give a…

Chrissy Teigen, I was aware that she was a woman of passionate opinions. Consider her Twitter feed: > On gazpacho: "Don't tell me to make gazpacho aka cold salsa aka crap." > On Donald Trump: "I literally pose half naked for a living and u are still the biggest attention whore I know." > On food that is not from a pig: "The fish sucked because it wasn't pork." Frankly, it's a bit intimidating. Will Esquire end up on her suck list? Will she tell me to "settle down," like she does her Twitter trolls? But then Chrissy Teigen arrives at a Lower East Side New York restaurant with a beaming smile and a jaunty straw hat. She pauses to talk to a fan, a woman who says, "I'm obsessed…

THEY SEEMED ADORABLE ROSIE Terrier mix, Nutley, New Jersey Always fishing for compliments but never gives any. JUNIOR Hamster, McAllen, Texas Twists every situation until it's about him. BONNIE GIRL Belgian hare, St. Louis Turns every little negative thing into a full-blown personal catastrophe. CAESAR Basset hound, Spokane Borrows things and then returns them damaged without explanation. MAJOR ROLLY Box turtle, Missoula, Montana Exaggerates so much it's almost like he's lying. FRANCESCA Iguana, Walnut Creek, California Refuses to acknowledge her personal "truth" is only one piece in a bigger picture. PAMMY MAE Yellow Lab, Morgan City, Louisiana Takes forever to get to the point. BARON VON WHISKERS Siamese, Powell, Ohio Mr. Gloom and Doom. GISELLE Guinea pig, Ocean Grove, New Jersey Has all sorts of opinions…

Connie Britton The star of ABC's Nashville and the new film This Is Where I Leave You talks New Orleans, David O. Russell, going to Dartmouth, and urinals on a Monday afternoon at Balthazar in downtown Manhattan. SCOTT RAAB: You come here a lot? CONNIE BRITTON: I'm not in New York that much these days, but I've come here over the years. SR: The guy at the next urinal recommended the steak tartare. CB: I'm sure it's delicious. SR: Taking it with a grain of kidney stone. CB: I always love the trout. Are you gonna get the tartare? SR [To waiter]: I'll have the steak tartare. The petite order. CB: As recommended by the man at the urinal. SR: At a lot of new joints, they put up a…

Someone who? Some other sex columnist you've been talking to? Well, why don't you ask her what compersion means. Most likely a merger of compassion and perversion, compersion is a term invented by the polyamorous, the term invented for people who reinvented cheating. Compersion describes the great feelings that one gets about the great feelings all of one's partners get from all of their partners. Sheila might, for example, feel compersion about Ron's getting to third with Donna and say something like, "Wow, that's great. I have a lot of compersion for you. I'm so compersed." Unlike swingers, who get what they need and go home, polyamorous people can maintain several serious relationships at once and thus are never without a handjob or someone to go to Ikea with. But…

In early 2002, I flew on McDonald's private jet to Wheaton, Illinois. I hadn't eaten in a McDonald's in years and kind of hated the place on principle, so when my host handed me about $200 worth of Mickey D's gift certificates, to be nice I asked him what else the chain had cooking. He told me it recently had bought most of the stock of a Tex-Mex place in Colorado called Chipotle. I'd never heard of it. Poor me. Since founder and co-CEO Steve Ells opened the first Chipotle in 1993, the company has succeeded by executing a simple concept and building the brand with smart site selection, quality employees, and a culture of "Food with integrity." If you have eaten at a Chipotle Mexican Grill, you probably liked…

In an effort to make their hair look good each day, many men are actually destroying it. No one is goingto care how you style it when they get close enough and realize it's actually a dried-out mop. So when amending your morning routine, remember that maintaining great hair means avoiding four types of damage: chemical, physical, heat, and sun. Clean If you take a daily shower, give your hair a break from shampoo every couple of days to allow natural oils to penetrate your scalp and hair. Washing your hair every day is probably unnecessary and potentially damaging to your hair and scalp. Make sure that your shampoo is free of low-grade detergents, which are mostly used so shampoo can form a foamy lather, but can also strip the…

Sports PAUL BROWN (1946–62) 167–53 BLANTON COLLIER (1963–70) 79–38 NICK SKORICH (1971–74) 30–26 FORREST GREGG (1975–77) 18–23 DICK MODZELEWSKI (1977) 0–1 SAM RUTIGLIANO (1978–84) 47–52 MARTY SCHOTTENHEIMER (1984–88) 46–31 BUD CARSON (1989–90) 12–14 JIM SHOFNER (1990) 1–6 BILL BELICHICK (1991–95) 37–45 CHRIS PALMER (1999–2000) 5–27 BUTCH DAVIS (2001–04) 24–36 TERRY ROBISKIE (2004) 1–4 ROMEO CRENNEL (2005–08) 24–40 ERIC MANGINI (2009–10) 10–22 PAT SHURMUR (2011–12) 9–23 ROB CHUDZINSKI (2013) 4–12 MIKE PETTINE(2014– ) ? SKULL SHAVED TIGHT, default goatee, eyes of flint, mandatory frown. He's big—six two—and beefy. It's a humid afternoon, and sunny, but he's in a long-sleeved parka—black, zipped to the neck—and polyester shorts. He looks like what he is: a…

For footage from Crow's documentary in progress, go to www.thelastclinic.com, or scan here with the Esquire2 app. ERFECTLY BALD, with a salt-and-pepper goatee, a small gold hoop gleaming in his left ear, and a warm smile on his dark brown face, Dr. Willie Parker enters the waiting room. Eleven young women and one tired forty-three-year-old mother sit in a circle of chairs, regarding him with somber expressions. Eight are black. Four are white. One has jittery legs that never stop moving. Another has giant false eyelashes in constant motion. The rest are absolutely still, sitting with straight backs, like good students or condemned prisoners. One has her hair in a tight bun, another wears a Nefertiti head wrap, another wears a baseball hat that says LOVE and a T-shirt that…

Every day in this country, in small towns, big cities, and the vast stretches in between, millions of men wake up and decide to look their best. To dress with singularity and conviction. To wear their ambition lightly, proudly, and with ease. These men are everywhere. And earlier this year, over the course of a ten-day, seventeen-city road trip from New York to Los Angeles, Esquire singled out nineteen of them living and working and embodying the best of great American style right now. NOW ON ESQUIRE.COM Exclusive video: New York to Los Angeles in three minutes flat. City Guides: Where to eat in Philly, where to shop in Albuquerque, the best record store in Nashville, and other tips worth knowing the next time you're on the road. SAUL WILLIAMS…

I'm going to watch it. And I'm going to feel a little bad about watching it. Not bad enough to stop watching it, but bad, especially when a player goes down and everybody's hushed and waiting for him to move or when they keep replaying another player's anatomy being pushed beyond the breaking point. I can hear the announcer now: "Oh. Oh. Folks, I don't know if you want to watch this… ." But I'll watch that, too, with near forensic intensity, and wonder why. And I won't be the only one. Football, as we all know, is under siege. It's under siege from former Pro Bowlers who want the NFL to account for their morbidities and their mortalities. It's under siege from college players who want to get paid.…

If you know the whats and wherefores of mixing drinks, you can make a fine cocktail with practically no equipment at all—a pair of red Solo cups, or a chopstick and a mason jar, or a Ziploc bag and a pin. But it's always easier and usually looks better if you're using the proper tools. Until a few years ago, there were two kinds of bar gear: the expensive design-forward but often impractical stuff aimed at the home mixologist and the cheap and crappy but functional stuff actually used in bars. Nowadays, as you'll see if you go into any serious cocktail joint, there's a third option: solid professional tools that also look great. Nothing revolutionary, mind you: The basic bartender's kit hasn't changed all that much in well over…

Last August, at a country club near Carmel, California, Cadillac showed a new concept car to a small group of journalists. It was a typical Monterey day—foggy in the morning, sunny in the afternoon, cool wind in the eucalyptus. Because he lives close by and because someone probably asked him to, Clint Eastwood showed up to mingle. GM's design chief, Ed Welburn, beamed like a proud father. The Cadillac dripped of statement. A big, swanky coupe with slab sides, it's the kind of steam-train sex cannon that makes your toes ache—like a prewar Duesenberg or the '65 Lincoln Continental. It upstaged many of the show's classics. It was wanted by people who buy $20 million Ferraris with petty-cash accounts. That car is the Elmiraj, named after a California dry lake…

STEPHEN MARCHE ON THE MOST IMPORTANT WORD OF OUR TIME FOR NOW THE USE OF THE WORD BRO is reaching epidemic levels. Now, after The Fast and the Furious and How I Met Your Mother and Breaking Bad, if a show contains more than one male character, they will, at some point, call each other by that name. Online, where cliché is rechristened meme, bro is a natural epithet: "Come at me, bro," or "Don't tase me, bro." Among writers who are trying to be funny, the word has morphed into a series of fused words—comic portmanteaus (portmanbros, if you insist) that have launched a full-on brocabulary: brogrammers, for young male computer programmers; brostep, a white-male version of dubstep; and curlbros, for bros who spend too much time on their…

SATURDAY MORNING BAYOU GAUCHE LOUISIANA AN HOUR LATE to the photo shoot, the newly cut and beautiful actor Chris Pratt rushes into a small trailer to try on wool suits. It's 90 degrees on this dust patch in the middle of the bayou, forty-five minutes outside New Orleans on a tree-obscured turnoff of a narrow elevated road. Your driver misses a turn out here and it's thirty miles before you get a chance to turn around. Still, the thirty-five-year-old is apologizing as he goes to get dressed in suits that are mostly too small for the action-hero muscles he developed for Guardians of the Galaxy, hewed from the three hundred pounds of comedic-character-actor fat used to great effect on six seasons of Parks and Recreation. But he finds a pair…

> Master the mirror. > You're a shit. I love you anyway, but you're gonna have to correct that. That's a friend. > Kings are expected to slaughter and have different women. The pope: total opposite. So it's much harder to be pope than king. And on top of that, you've got to deal with the Sinéad O'Connors of the world. > Your voice is bigger in the shower. > In American music, there's only eight notes. You can only flip them around so many ways. > The repetition you hear in hip-hop is addiction. It feels good, so you wanna keep doing it over and over and over again. Classical music takes you to all these places. Hip-hop is: just keep that, just keep that, just keep that ……

CHAD ALLIGOOD Museum curator, traveling man At Crystal Bridges, the extremely ambitious museum opened by the Waltons a few years back, the goal is simple: bring great American art to a part of the country that hasn't traditionally seen it. And Alligood, who came to Bentonville (aka Walmart, U. S. A.) last year to become an assistant curator for special projects, is nothing if not ambitious. Over the past ten months he has visited nine hundred artists' studios across the country, all so he could select a hundred or so to show in an exhibition opening this month, "State of the Art: Discovering American Art Now." "We're nestled in the Ozarks, but we have this strong cosmopolitan vibe both because of Crystal Bridges and because of industry in the region,"…