Esquire May 2013

Essential information for this issue and your month PAGE 162 EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN BY THE AMISH." PAGE 138 PAGE 134 PAGE 136 PAGE 73 "DADDY, I AM NOT A MINISTER." PAGE 114 "THE NUMBER THIRTY-EIGHT. IT'S SO ROUND. IT'S A VOLUPTUOUS NUMBER. EIGHTY-EIGHT HAS GONE TOO FAR." PAGE 45 PAGE 98 "IT'S ALSO NOT AT ALL LIKE GOLF, IN THAT PICKING THE WRONG CLUB WON'T END WITH YOU FALLING TO YOUR DEATH." PAGE 49 "I'VE TOLD PEOPLE THAT THESE SOCKS HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE." PAGE 88 PAGE 42 "YOUR MACKLE-MORE BOOTLEGS WILL SOUND BETTER THAN EVER." PAGE 106 "AND THEN AT LAST, SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN, HE PRONOUNCES DICAPRIO A NASTOYASHI MUZHIK: A REAL MAN." PAGE 98 PAGE 46 "SIMPLY PUT, IT'S BECAUSE WOMEN DON'T GET HARD-ONS." PAGE 28 "SHE'S OFFICIALLY OVERTAKEN…

QUESTLOVE THE PRODUCER/DRUMMER/MUSICOLOGIST TALKS TO SCOTT RAAB ABOUT PRINCE, PUBLIC ENEMY, BILL WITHERS, TEACHING, PHILLY, AND POLITICS Esquire MUSIC 2013 Late Night with Jimmy Fallon studios at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, where Questlove is finishing rehearsals for The Music of Prince at Carnegie Hall later this week. SCOTT RAAB: You got time for me? QUESTLOVE: Of course I do. SR: You've got a lot going on. QL: We're going to my apartment to eat. My chef made us some stuff. SR: That's awfully nice. MAYA RUDOLPH: Am I coming with you? [Her Prince tribute band, Princess, is playing the show, too.] QL: Yeah. MR: Where are you going? QL: I'm going home, but your hotel is near my home. [To Al Roker] What's up, man? It's Ahmir. AL ROKER: Oh, hey!…

You would not believe the day I'm having. My kid wakes up with a load in his diaper and then some. There is shit everywhere—in his crib, on the wall, on a lampshade like five feet away. It looks like a murder scene, only with shit. Then I look out the window and see a cop writing me a ticket because I'm parked 13 feet from a fire hydrant and not the required-by-law 15 feet. Two feet? I ask her. And how do you even know it's two feet? She hands me the ticket. This could be the opening scene of a TV show. A bad TV show, but still. The petty grievances of put-upon men have given us the darker episodes of Seinfeld (which is to say the funnier…

A BLIND MAN AND HIS SEEING-eye dog come to a busy intersection. Ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by, the dog leads the man right into the thick of it. Horns blare as panicked drivers try desperately not to hit the pair. They reach the other side of the street, and the man pulls out a cookie and offers it to the dog. A passerby says, "Why are you rewarding your dog? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man says, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass." ABOUT THE JOKESTER: Before she was cast in Da Vinci's Demons on Starz, Laura Haddock appeared in plenty of UK TV and movies that didn't quite make it stateside. Now that she's here, she's officially…

BOOKS "I wasn't sure I was supposed to like The Kite Runner, as my impression was that it was more of a woman's book," a young colleague of mine tells me. And what, by contrast, is a man's book? I ask. "Something more overtly masculine, less emotional, less loving." Less loving? "Something more dick-on-the-table," he says. "But in spite of my confusion, I couldn't put the book down. I thought it was great." And millions of other people agreed with this guy, making The Kite Runner one of the most surprising runaway best sellers ever. Just goes to show the "impediments" a truly marvelous story can overcome. When a book sells a million copies, it is regarded as wildly successful, but when you sell 38 million books (when you sell…

To make vermouth, you steep a little bit of wormwood and a number of other spices in wine that has been beefed up with a distilled spirit and let everything rest for a while. In the late-19th century, American bartenders discovered that the resulting product was ideal for rounding the sharp edges off a cocktail, made theretofore with only spirits, sugar, bitters, and ice. The vermouth not only smooths out the drink and adds a pleasing complexity, it also lowers the alcohol content without thinning its texture—useful if you want to stick around for more than a round or two. It's not just vermouth that does this, as they knew back then. The 19th century saw the launch of a whole raft of French aperitifs and Italian aperitivi—literally "openers," given…