Esquire April 2013

Essential information for this issue and your month "AREN'T WE JUST TRYING TO KILL THE INCOMPETENT, ENGORGED FEDERAL BEAST?" PAGE 86 "YOU WILL BE TALKING TO YOUR MAGAZINE." PAGE 32 "At this price, it must have been harvested from the top of a remote mountain by an endangered Amur leopard. With full union benefits." PAGE60 "HE'S THE JIMMY CARTER OF INTENSE INDIE ACTORS."PAGE 35 "EVERY TIME A JOB IS FINISHED, I LOOK AT MY CAR AND THINK, COULD LIVE IN IT?" PAGE 124 "I weighed almost 220 pounds, which, according to a BMI chart I'd found, made me the average Tongan." Page 106 "ASK BULGARIAN WOMAN TO YELL AT YOU." Page 156 "My butt was in his face. I could have said anything." PAGE 48 "THE BAD NEWS, HE TOLD…

Patton Oswalt SCOTT RAAB TALKS TO THE ACTOR/COMIC ABOUT EPIC TV, THE RETURN OF THE JEDI, THE BLESSINGS OF EARLY FAILURE, AND A DIRTY ANIMAL JOKE Breakfast, Olives restaurant at the W Hotel, downtown New York City. PATTON OSWALT [To waiter]: I'll get a black tea. Thank you. SCOTT RAAB: Relax. Take a few minutes. PO: I landed at six yesterday, and then it took me two hours to get into the city. I was able to drop off my bags and get into another car to take me to a show. I did a benefit for Stand Up for Heroes. The lineup was Roger Waters, Bruce Springsteen, Jon Stewart, Ricky Gervais, Robin Williams, and me. I'll show you the lineup. [Shows Raab a photo on his iPhone.] That's the…

Willie Nelson was getting high once when he leaned in and whispered, "Two nuns are cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says, 'I've never come this way before.' The second replies, 'Must be the cobbles.' " I've never been so high or laughed so hard. Willie's jokes are old and corny—they're mostly about golf or sex. Sometimes both. But the goal in the telling seems to be to disarm. People get weird around famous people, let alone bona fide American icons. They talk too much or too little. They fidget and breathe heavy. But I've never seen anyone freak out around Willie Nelson. Laughter takes the edge off. So does humility. Last year, moments after the mayor of Austin unveiled an eight-foot, one-ton statue of Willie downtown at…

1. Pick a last name for a protagonist named Jack: Schlomowitz (–10) Doodle (–10) Harper (5) 2. What was your favorite part of The Matrix? The hero's willful disillusionment. (10) The underground life- support pods. (10) The African American rebel leader/spirit guide. (10) 3. Who is the best foil for the white American hero? Desirable British woman. (1) Desirable Russian woman. (2) 4. Who was the most sympathetic character in I Am Legend? Will Smith's dog. (5) 5. Flashbacks? Tired. (–3) If surprising enough, sure. (3) 6. True or false: A woman can look ready for a night out no matter the time of day, climatic condition, state of the earth, or risk of imminent death. True (5) False (–5) 7. When you see Tom Cruise being shot at with…

A MAN RACES into a bar, sweating and visibly shaken. He turns to all the patrons and starts yelling, "Does anyone own a six-foot penguin? Does anyone own a six-foot penguin?" All the patrons shake their head. The guy says, "Damn, I hit a nun." ABOUT THE JOKESTER: Eliza Coupe was your typical 13-year-old boy back in 1994: obsessing over Jim Carrey and Ace Ventura, taking penalties for fighting before the puck was dropped in her hockey games, getting boxing lessons from her dad. Now 31, the New Hampshire native says, "I was basically raised as a third son, but I've girlied out." And while she grew out of the fighting, she held on to her love of comedy. These days she plays Jane, one sixth of the cast of…

1. I sleep six or seven hours a night and I'm healthy. Why am I always so tired? DR. HARRY FISCH: Fatigue is perhaps the most common—and vague—symptom a man can have. The list of possible causes is long, but here are a few big-picture things to check: First, you may simply need more sleep. Research shows that on average, guys need seven to eight hours for optimal health. Next thing to consider is the quality of sleep. You might have sleep apnea, restless-leg syndrome, noisy neighbors, or some other problem preventing you from getting deep, restful sleep. Another thing: Your testosterone level might be below normal. The bottom line: Unexplained tiredness means something's not right. Ask a doctor to find the cause—or causes. 2. Can stress really make your…