Innholdsfortegnelse for March 2013 i Esquire

Essential information for this issue and your month "HERDING TIME INCREASES EXPONENTIALLY WITH EVERY ADDITIONAL DRUNK." "THEY HAD TO TAKE MUSCLE FROM MY ASS AND GRAFT IT TO MAKE A MUSCLE THAT WOULD OPEN THE EYELID." —THOM YORKE "Thank God men rediscovered brown." "I AM IN LOVE WITH A FOUR-WHEELED ROBOT." "I'M A DOUCHE!" –ASHTON KUTCHER (IN CHARACTER, BUT STILL) "I LIKE CAVIAR AND I LOVE PIZZA. BUT TOGETHER THEY JUST DON'T WORK." "AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, GET OUT OF YOUR MID-30S." "NOW IT'S JUST SINGED CINDER BLOCKS, THE CHARRED REMNANTS OF A BOILER AND STOVE AND A STAIRCASE THAT GOES NOWHERE." "WHY ELSE WOULD THERE BE WWW.PINKGUN.COM?" "I CAN BECOME THE BEST DIAPER CHANGER." "LADIES LOVE THAT, THOUGH YOU MAY HAVE TO MOVE FAST." "WE WERE PREPARED…

I am not a religious man, but sometimes I go to church. The brick walls shield me from the noise and chaos of the world, and I find a stillness there I can't locate anywhere else, except maybe deep in a forest. And though I don't sing the hymns and I don't raise my hand during the sharing of joys and concerns, I still take pleasure in the sense of togetherness and ritual and hopefulness. The banker shakes the hand of the farmer and says, "Peace." The organ brays, and the congregation rises and struggles to match its voice with the key. I feel something similar about Holt, Colorado, the stage for much of Kent Haruf's fiction. The winters are too cold, the summers too hot, and everyone knows everyone's…

Back during the First Great Age of the American Bar (late 19th century to early 20th century), the sporting gents who didn't mind if they did liked to spend the occasional evening navigating the "cocktail route." As the name implies, this was a loose archipelago of first-rank saloons where drinks were mixed just so and you were sure to run into exactly the right sort of company. Until recently, if you wanted to walk in their footsteps, all it would yield you was a series of overlarge martinis or a school of Harvey Wallbangers. Then came the renaissance in the craft of the cocktail, and now, suddenly, most American cities find themselves with enough credible cocktail bars that you can lay out a real route. Navigating that route is more…

Is this guy dressed up or is he dressed down? Tough to say, what with not being able to see his top half, but based solely on his below-the-knee game, the answer has to be … tough to say. Sharp-looking boots, these, and plenty luxurious—leather-soled, elegantly shaped, intricately brogued, and made from the softest suede by the craftsmen at Tod's—but still: They're boots, man. Lace 'em up and raise some hell. And then there are the pants. Sharp-looking chinos—cut close for a tailored fit and eminently pairable with a blue blazer and tie—but still: They're chinos, and rolled-up chinos at that. So, yeah: neither up nor down, formal nor casual. He's smack in the middle, and when you're dressed like that and wear boots like these, you can go pretty…

New York Times reporter once asked rally driver Walter Röhrl—two-time world champion and winner of the man-eating Pikes Peak hill climb—about confidence. "I never make mistakes," Röhrl said. "If you don't think this way, then you can never go fast." Driving is like any other skill: Worry too much and you'll think yourself into a handicap. That's why it's harder to learn to drive stick when your dad is teaching you, and why Formula One champions have been known to puke on the grid before races. It's also what makes the 2013 Audi RS 5 so amazing. It does what few fast cars can: It gets out of your way and cheers you on. The RS 5 is based on Audi's 211-hp A5 coupe. The S in its badge…

> If you're going to be a vegetarian, you really do have to like lentils. Otherwise you're fucked. > All walls are great if the roof doesn't fall. > My dad taught me to always expect someone coming around the bend on the wrong side of the road, right at me. I was always to assume that would be the case. He tried to teach me to be very suspicious of people—not to trust. I think he took it a bit too far when I was a kid. I had to unlearn that one. > It's much better to attempt to trust people until they prove you wrong. > I only started singing because I couldn't find anybody else to sing. Everybody I asked was a bloody idiot. > Twenty…

THERE HAS BEEN A REVOLUTION. WE SEE IT ON OUR STREETS AND IN OUR OFFICES, AT OUR PARTIES AND ON OUR GOLF COURSES. THE CUTS OF OUR CLOTHES ARE A LITTLE CLOSER. THE COLORS ARE MORE VARIED. AND THE SPREZZATURA EASE THAT WAS REMARKABLE JUST TEN YEARS AGO NO LONGER LOOKS FOREIGN OR EXOTIC OR FASHIONY—IT JUST LOOKS NORMAL. HERE, ELEVEN MAVERICKS OF MEN'S STYLE LOOK BACK OVER THE DECADE AND TELL THE BRIEF HISTORY OF HOW WE DRESS NOW. "THE SHIRTS WERE JUST HORRIBLE." NICOLE BLACK, OWNER OF BLACKBIRD, SEATTLE: I worked at Nordstrom in men's wear [from 1995 to 2000], and so many of the shirts were just horrible [fig. 1]. The fabrics weren't good. The collars were too big. The tails were too long. And so when…

WHEN YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS DESTROYED, CAN ANYTHING EVER BE THE SAME? SHOULD IT BE? WHEN THE STORM CAME, AND NATURE REACHED RIGHT INTO NEW YORK CITY—BREEZY POINT, QUEENS—AND LEVELED WHAT HAD UP TO THEN BEEN A HIDDEN WORKING-CLASS BEACH PARADISE, IT REVEALED BOTH BREATHTAKING INSTANCES OF ORDINARY HEROISM, AND THE OLDEST IMPULSES OF THE HUMAN HEART. When the surge hit, Tim Beirne had to abandon the security gate. High tide was scheduled for eight-thirty but the water started coming at seven and came so fast he and a few others decided to take two cars and head for higher ground. Tim got in the passenger seat of one of those big Ford pickups and minutes later the water was coming up over the window. Ahead of them, a Ford…

Late morning, Burnett's home in Malibu, California. MARK BURNETT: Do you want anything to eat? SCOTT RAAB: I'm consciously working very hard at not eating. MB: You gotta eat. You gotta eat the right things. SR: I'm trying to lose weight. MB: The way to do that is by simply walking twice a day. SR: I'm walking three miles twice a day. MB: Then you'll be fine. You need just a little bit of discipline. SR: Is discipline a key to your success? MB: If you are the leader, you don't have the right to say things like "Ugh, didn't eat this week I was so busy." "Haven't slept." I look sideways at those signs of bravado, which are intended to make one feel that the person is working so…

TWO DUCKS ARE FLYING south for the winter when an Air Force jet flies overhead. One duck says to the other, "Did you see that? Jeez, he was moving." The other duck says, "I bet you would too if you had two assholes and both were on fire." ABOUT THE JOKESTER: Back when Jenna Dewan-Tatum was just Jenna Dewan, she was a dancer for Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson. "Japan with Janet was crazy. I'd have people following me, taking pictures. Why? I'm just the backup dancer." The work and the fans prepped her for a costarring role in the 2006 dance movie Step Up alongside Channing Tatum, whom she married in 2009. And while her husband has been prolific lately, the 32-year-old Texan has turned in a few roles…

Q EVER SINCE I HIT MY MID-30S, MY ERECTIONS HAVEN'T BEEN AS, UH, SUBSTANTIAL DURING SEX. ANYTHING I CAN DO TO COMBAT THIS? Yes: As soon as possible, get out of your mid-30s. It's a dismal, pointless period when the affronts to your once impeccable erection come hard and fast. Really, I'm surprised that any hard-ons make it past 36. Short of that, there are a few other things you can try. In ascending order of dreadfulness, they are exercising, sharply decreasing your frequency of masturbation, and talking at length about your sexuality with partners and perhaps professionals on a regular basis and at your own expense. Seeing as no one wants that last one, the exercise you choose should be cardiovascular in nature (the more vigorous the better, so…

The AR-15 rifle is an object of undeniable, fascinating beauty. Force glows from its perfect black frame. Its substantial weight is more than physical; it's emotional, historical. Built in the same factory as Remington, which has been building rifles for nearly two hundred years, the Bushmaster is a quintessentially American object. Other countries tend to treat guns as tools, which policy can deal with on the level of their functionality. In America, guns are works of art. They must be treated as such. In the crisis of conscience brought on by Newtown, many people who should have known better resumed the pathetic mid-nineties debate about the culture of violence in America. The New York Times brought up the (tepid, insubstantial) connection between video games and gun manufacturers. President Obama chimed…

REAL MEN, REAL STYLE: ON A RECENT AFTERNOON, WE STATIONED A PHOTOGRAPHER OUTSIDE J. CREW'S LIQUOR STORE IN NEW YORK CITY AND ASKED PASSERSBY ONE SIMPLE QUESTION: ARE YOU WEARING ANY J. CREW? EACH OF THE MEN PHOTOGRAPHED ON THIS AND THE FOLLOWING PAGES ANSWERED IN THE AFFIRMATIVE. MEN—A LOT OF MEN, most men—don't always know their suit doesn't fit correctly until they try on a well-tailored suit that does. It doesn't always occur to most men that the sleeves of their button-down shirt are billowy until someone hands them a shirt with the sleeves cut slimmer, so you can actually make out the arms inside. They could go half their career wearing blazers with straight sides—the line from the armpit to the hip—until someone pinches in the fabric at…

Here at the Esquire Institute of Culinary Excellence, we believe no man should have to learn a technique that he can't pronounce, requires multiple trips to the supermarket, or sounds hard. That does not mean we have no faith in men. Quite the opposite. We believe that men of all ages, and women, too, are willing to try anything in the pursuit of pleasure. We applaud men who wish to spend all day making veal stock, and we'll eat it, too. But in our teachings this month, we do our best to avoid terminology, favoring easy skills you'll learn once and then know how to do forever. Of course, the truth is our expert technicians have assembled these activities in such a way that you'll actually learn some serious cooking—real…

FOR THE MANY, MANY WAYS THAT STYLE HAS CHANGED, A MAN CAN STILL DEPEND ON A SUIT WHEN THINGS GET SERIOUS. AND FROM DISTINCTIVE CLOTHS TO UNUSUAL PATTERNS, FROM DOUBLE-BREASTED TO THREE-PIECE, THE NEW BREED OF DARK SUITS—AND THE MEN WHO WEAR THEM—CAN'T HELP BUT RISE ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE. TIP NO. 624 WOOL IS A STARTING POINT, NOT A FINISH LINE. You can never go wrong with a good wool suit, but for something with a bit more edge to it, consider a wool-and-silk blend. It not only lightens your load (a bonus in spring and summer) but also gives your suit a subtle shine. This page, on John J. Spencer III, architectural designer: Two-button wool-and-silk suit ($2,225) and cotton shirt ($250) by Canali; silk tie ($195) by Ermenegildo Zegna;…

MOST LUXURIANTLY BEAUTIFUL REPRESENTATION OF HOW LIFE IS MISERABLE AND THEN YOU DIE The Grey LEAST BEAUTIFUL EXPRESSION OF SAME Lawless MOST EFFECTIVE AROUSAL OF EMPATHY Richard Gere wincing and holding his side through the first half of Arbitrage after he's injured in a car crash that kills his mistress. STUPIDEST RETORT "Fix your fucking gun or your little gay dog's little gay head's gonna fucking explode." To which Woody Harrelson's character responds, "He doesn't have a gay head. He has a normal head." THE MOST RIDICULOUSLY UNSAFE HOUSE The safe house in Safe House. THANK GOD FOR AMY ADAMS The Master THANK GOD FOR JOHN GOODMAN Flight THANK GOD FOR JAVIER BARDEM Skyfall THANK GOD FOR THE BOOK Savages BEST PERFORMANCE Bill Murray as Bill Murray in Moonrise Kingdom:…

1. If I masturbate an hour before having sex, will I last longer? DR. HARRY FISCH: Yes…and that can be either a good thing or a bad thing. As most guys know, after you ejaculate your penis is unresponsive. This latency period can range from a matter of minutes for teenagers to hours for older men. With repeated ejaculations, the period lengthens until you can't get it up no matter how young you are or how hot your partner is. If you're the kind of guy (and there are lots of them) who tends to orgasm faster than you or your partner would like, masturbating a few hours before sex may help you last longer. But do it too much and you may find yourself unable to perform at all.…

One of the benefits of being a consumer is deciding where and when you get to consume. If you can't finish your dinner at a restaurant, you wrap it up and take it home. If you don't want to read the paper on your doorstep, you take it to your couch—or you read it online or save it on your phone to read later. And it's not like your Go-Gurt is going to stop you from leaving the kitchen. The rule is pretty simple: You pay for it, it's yours. Anytime and anywhere. Except when it comes to your DVR. You may have recorded an entire season of Supernanny: Family Lockdown, but if you want to watch an episode anywhere but your couch, you're out of luck. You could argue…

SITTING at the bar on a weekday afternoon at Hank's, drinking with the live-alone old men, the idled workers, the folks who just can't keep it together without one in the afternoon, you could be anywhere in the Rust Belt. Scranton. Toledo. Gary. There's a jukebox and a pool table and a Big Buck Hunter, cheap beer on tap, cheap whiskey behind the bar, and a bartender who reserves her judgment. If you step outside and make a left, though, within a block and a half you'll find yourself on a strip of Top Chef restaurants, design firms, and sparsely stocked boutiques. The same distance to your right will find you standing in front of the brand-new Barclays Center, an eighteen-thousand-seat arena that looks like a giant rust-colored Kangol cap…

THE MAN WHO SHOT AND KILLED OSAMA BINLADEN sat in a wicker chair in my backyard, wondering how he was going to feed his wife and kids or pay for their medical care. It was a mild spring day, April 2012, and our small group, including a few of his friends and family, was shielded from the sun by the patchwork shadows of maple trees. But the Shooter was sweating as he talked about his uncertain future, his plans to leave the Navy and SEAL Team 6. He stood up several times with an apologetic gripe about the heat, leaving a perspiration stain on the seat-back cushion. He paced. I didn't know him well enough then to tell whether a glass of his favorite single malt, Lagavulin, was making him…

IT is a plain, sunny morning in Burbank, California, and Ashton Kutcher, ever in a cardigan, wearing one of those winter hats that sit on his head like a potato sack pulled back to the neck, is singing "I'm a douche!" He's dancing to it, even. Sort of. Flouncing, more like. One-two-three-four. Four steps up, lock arms with a homeless person on the street set, do-si-do with the woman pushing a grocery cart, keep going. "I'm a douche!" He's lip-synching, actually. He's not, of course. A douche. It's a line asserted in character, his character, at the front of the chorus, a full-out song-and-dance routine for Two and a Half Men, the marathon megahit that he famously became one of the men on a year and a half ago. Everyone…

MEN MAY HAVE MORE OPTIONS THAN EVER IN THE COLORS AND COMBINATIONS WE CAN WEAR IN OUR DOWNTIME, BUT THERE ARE STILL A FEW MATTERS TO KEEP IN MIND TIP NO. 32 KEEP ALL THE COLORS LIGHT AND MIX 'EM ALL TOGETHER. this guy is wearing five—five!—different colors, but because they're all faded and lived-in, he doesn't look busy or messy. he looks relaxed. like he's not even thinking about what he's wearing. which is what you want. Two-button cotton twill jacket ($298) and cottonchambray shirt ($98) by Tommy Hilfiger; cotton vest ($225) by H. W. Carter & Sons; cotton trousers ($178) by AG Adriano Goldschmied; suede wing tips ($950) by Esquivel. TIP NO. 45 LEAVE YOUR SUIT JACKETS IN THE CLOSET AND LOOK INSTEAD FOR CASUAL JACKETS THAT COMPLEMENT…