Innholdsfortegnelse for April 2025 i Delicious UK

As an editor nowadays, I’m spoilt. There are so many ways I get to speak to you, our lovely readers, and discover what you want from your favourite magazine. That might be replying to your comments online, or reading your emails. It could be chatting via a video call, digesting feedback from a regular survey or, best of all, meeting in person and chatting all things food (more on that below). That’s why I know you’ll love this month’s recipes from our special guest, Yotam Ottolenghi (p36) – you told us he’s your favourite cook of all time. Yotam’s priority is always flavour and he’s certainly delivered with his take on an Easter feast. I’m also sure you’ll enjoy Rick Stein’s memories of 50 years in food (p7). We have…

THE FOOD HISTORY BIT The Futurist movement of early 20th century Italy had fanatical ideas about food, making the bizarre food creations of TikTok today seem run-of-the-mill. Figurehead Filippo Marinetti believed gastronomy should be married to the avant-garde ideals of Futurism, leading to inventions such as: Excited Pig (a whole vertical salami with a coffee and eau de cologne sauce); Chicken Fiat (with a ballbearing stuffing and whipped cream); and Drum Roll Of Colonial Fish (mullet with banana and pineapple, eaten to a drum roll). The Futurists also had a problem with pasta, which Marinetti referred to as ‘an absurd Italian gastronomic religion’ that induced ‘lassitude, pessimism, nostalgic inactivity and neutralism’. For our very anti-Futurist pasta creations, visit deliciousmagazine.co.uk/pastarecipes…

Celebrated chef Nicholas Balfe, who made his name in south London before relocating to the country, has launched a series of foraging experiences for spring 2025 designed to showcase the abundance of ingredients that can be found in the wild and used in cooking. From his West Country restaurant, Holm, in South Petherton, Nicholas will be striking out with punters in tow, hunting the fields, woodlands and hedgerows for wild garlic, jack by the hedge (aka garlic mustard), wild mushrooms, elderflower and more. Then it’s back to Holm for an interactive seminar and a slap-up multi-course foraged menu. £95 per person, holmsomerset.co.uk…

STAR EMAIL Subject: Happy distraction From: Jo Thomas I see delicious. as my treat and usually save it until I can read it without being interrupted – when my husband is preoccupied watching his beloved Liverpool FC. Usually nothing will take his eyes away from the screen, but the fabulous highlights of Liverpool [travel feature, Mar issue] steered his attention away as I proudly read to him how delicious. portrayed our great city. Being born and bred in Liverpool we have had to endure negative comments over the years, so can I thank delicious. for displaying what we have to offer in the most wonderful way. I encourage those who can visit to do so – you won’t be disappointed. STAR PRIZE The sender of our star email wins a…

1. THE CLASSIC Monty Bojangles Choccy Scoffy Easter Egg & Truffles Sometimes all you need at Easter is a good old fashioned egg with great quality milk chocolate. Classic is the word for this – smooth, indulgent milk chocolate with great snap. The addition of the cocoa-dusted truffles is a nice touch too. £10 for 175g, Waitrose and amazon.co.uk 2. GLORIOUSLY OVER THE TOP Scrummy Bunny Munch Loaded Egg If you favour an everything-all-at-once approach to your confectionery, this half-egg creation will provide all the Easter joy you could ever wish for: pretzels, crisp-shelled mini eggs, jelly pieces, white chocolate covered popcorn. We’re crying happy tears. £12 for 265g, Marks & Spencer 3. THE BIG ONE The Ostrich Egg Classic The sheer size of this egg from Hotel Chocolat is…

ABOUT FATT PUNDIT Serving traditional Indo-Chinese dishes with a modern twist, Fatt Pundit has two locations in London (one in Soho, one in Covent Garden). Huzefa founded the business with his brother, Hamza, and the restaurants are generally regarded as introducing Indo-Chinese cuisine to central London. @fattpundit WHAT IS INDO-CHINESE? Not to be confused with the former Southeast Asian region known as Indochina, this unique fusion of Indian and Chinese cooking techniques and flavours came about via Chinese immigrants who settled in Kolkata when it was under British rule (and known as Calcutta). Many started restaurants, with the Chinese chefs including the local vegetables and spices in their cooking. It quickly spread throughout the country and evolved into a sort of Indian version of the UK’s Chinese takeaways. Indo-Chinese cuisine…

EMILY'S TIPS FOR TOP POPPING The joy of making your own popcorn is that it allows you to add your own flavours – feel free to experiment and get creative. See my ideas below. • WHAT KIND OF OIL? It’s important to use a neutral oil with a high smoke point (sunflower or vegetable being the most common). You want to get the oil really hot before adding the corn, then reduce the temperature to medium while cooking so the kernels don’t start burning before they’ve all popped. • BE A POP STAR Use one piece of corn to test if the oil is ready. Add it to the saucepan, cover with a lid then, once it pops, add the rest. Cook, covered, for about 4 minutes, shaking the pan…

A BIT ABOUT HELENA NICKLIN An award-winning drinks writer and broadcaster, Helena is also a consultant, presenter, judge for various international wine and spirit awards and founder of the HelenaSips Wine Academy. Find her on socials @HelenaSips “Chardonnay is now the most widely planted white grape in the world” BOW TO QUEEN CHARDONNAY If any varietal deserves the title of queen of white grapes, it’s got to be chardonnay. Equally at home in the cool soils of Chablis as on Australia’s sun-drenched hills, this versatile and food-friendly grape frames the nuances of where it’s grown while remaining unmistakably chardonnay. In the eighties and early nineties, full-on fruit bomb chardonnays laced with vanilla-scented oak got us into wine. They simplified the process, labelling by grape variety, and gave us bold, affordable,…

BRINING We brine most (non-oily) fish at my restaurant, Trinity. It removes moisture, increases flavour, imparts seasoning from the inside out and alters the texture (in a good way), firming up the flesh. Brining doesn’t take long, either – just 10 minutes is all it needs. I wouldn’t brine a fish if it’s going to end up flaked into a salad, but if I were creating a fish wellington, cooking it en croûte or confiting it, I certainly would. If I’m looking for firmness, especially using whole fillets, brining makes a huge difference. CONFITING In this recipe, once the fish is brined, we confit it. This is a method usually used with duck legs in duck fat or with pork belly, for when you want long, slow, moisture-retentive cooking. Here,…

I love salad cream so, so much. It’s unctuous and creamy like mayonnaise but has the sweet and sour balance of tomato ketchup. When I peer into the condiment caddies on pub tables, however, they tend to be sadly lacking. Ketchup? Definitely. Tartare? Usually. Mayo? Always. But there’s often a salad cream-shaped hole, which breaks my heart. For the uninitiated, salad cream is a condiment sitting somewhere between mayonnaise and vinaigrette, often eaten with salads, in sandwiches or as a dip. The first commercial version was created in 1914 by Heinz as a more affordable alternative to luxurious mayonnaise. Rather than using oil, which was expensive at the time, the dressing is cream and water-based and relies on cooked egg yolks to thicken it. MY FIRST ATTEMPT Most recipes I…

READY IN 20 MIN Peppery radishes add a gorgeous flash of pink to this speedy stir-fry Watercress, spinach and spring greens are combined with ground almonds and soft goat’s cheese to create a verdant filling for this scrunched-up filo pie. The seasoning, inspired by the USA’s ‘everything’ bagel, adds plenty of crunch and flavour Greens and goat's cheese ‘everything' crinkle pie Serves 4 Prep time 10 min Cook time 40 min Specialist kit Oven dish (about 18cm × 25cm) DON’T WASTE IT You could finely chop the spring greens stems and fry for a few minutes before adding the leaves to the pan (step 1); or keep them in a bag in the freezer with other vegetable trimmings to use when making stock. EASY SWAPS Use any greens you prefer…

Air fryer fishcakes Serves 4 (makes 8 cakes) Prep time 10 min, plus chilling Cook time 30 min MAKE AHEAD Put any fishcakes you don’t need in the freezer (uncooked), then you can cook them from frozen – just add a few minutes to the cook time. BE A BETTER COOK Use one hand for the dry coatings and the other for the egg for less mess. DON’T WASTE IT Don’t peel your spuds, but do give them a good scrub – extra fibre for you and less waste. You could also use leftover mashed potato. • 500g floury potatoes (maris piper or king edward – see Don’t Waste It), cut into 3cm chunks • 300g skinless white fish fillets (hake, cod, haddock or pollock) • 2 tbsp whole milk…

GIVE CHOCOLATE A SUPPORTING ROLE rather than having it as the primary flavour. Tahini and honey are the stars here with the salty pretzels tempering the sweetness and adding extra crunch THIS OVERSIZED COOKIE is a speedy sweet sensation that’ll fill your kitchen with that freshly baked aroma. It’s big enough to share, but if you end up eating the whole thing (which is all too easy to do), we certainly won’t tell! Giant peanut butter choc-chip cookie Serves 1-2 Prep time 10 min, plus 15 min chilling Cooking time 13 min EASY SWAPS Swap half the flour for cocoa powder for extra chocolate, try with other nut butters or add peppermint essence or rosewater. MAKE AHEAD Cookie dough freezes well – shape it into a disc, wrap in baking…

50 years in the biz is a long time! Aside from your shows and books, how do you track your foodie memories when ‘off duty’? I’ve got into the habit of taking pictures – I almost snap everything I eat apart from when I’m at home. Everybody used to think it was very poor, bad manners, but because everybody does it now, nobody cares. When I’ve been filming, I’ve always just written down what I’ve eaten. I’ve got a drawer full of old notebooks. You pioneered this country’s love affair with seafood from our shores and beyond. Are there any fish or shellfish you’re yet to try? I’m always open. I went with my boys to a bar in Reykjavik last year. We ordered the fermented Greenland shark but it…

She cooks exquisite dishes, with rare fruit and last-of-their-kind ingredients (not to mention revoltingly novel ones such as defrosted mammoth), for investors. The book is eerie and unsettling, by turns appetising and disgusting. I couldn’t help but read on. Big topics (climate change, class, famine) are covered. If you’re into brooding, tense novels with visceral food descriptions, give this a go.…

Treasured food memory? My grandmother’s ‘coffee kisses’ and apple crumble. As a toddler, I once ate seven of her mince pies in one sitting. Favourite family recipe? The women in my family all have cold hands, which we think accounts for their wonderful pastry. Our vegetarian sausage rolls include feta, walnuts and tamari, and are always a hit. What food cheers you up? My middle daughter always makes me a dark chocolate and peanut butter cake if I need a boost. Favourite kitchen item? My Thermomix. With all the cooking for my retreats, it saves time on things like kneading bread dough or whizzing up a sauce. Your secret weapon in the kitchen? Dates. I always have a batch of ‘Snickers dates’ (stuffed with nut butter and coated in dark…

A BIT ABOUT MARK DIACONO If there’s anyone more obsessed with growing, cooking, eating and writing about food than Mark, we’re yet to find them. His books, such as Sour (2019), have won awards, so he knows a goodie when he sees one. Read his Substack, Mark Diacono’s Garden To Table, or follow him on Instagram @mark_diacono BOOK OF THE MONTH INDIAN KITCHENS INDIAN KITCHENS Everyone should own all of chef and food writer Roopa Gulati’s books, so rich and rewarding are they, and her latest is no exception. In Indian Kitchens, Gulati travels through India and shares over 100 recipes that convey the variety of flavours and combinations of the subcontinent’s food. The book divides India into six regions – such as Northwest India (including Delhi) with its fertile…

“For Easter this year, I’m going ‘less tradition, more flavour’. With the help of Ottolenghi Test Kitchen stalwarts Helen Goh and Verena Lochmuller, my Easter table will centre around chicken with Steph’s spice, from my recent book Comfort, with potato salad and roasted carrots with dukkah. No simnel cake, but custard Yo-Yos with rhubarb icing, instead. Here’s to a delicious Easter!” “Helen got this jerk recipe from Stephanie Kamener, a Jamaican chef she worked with in Melbourne. Many years have passed since it was scribbled down on a scrap of paper but it’s been with Helen ever since” Chicken with Steph's spice Serves 4 Prep time 10 min, plus at least 6 hours marinating Cook time 50 min, plus 10 min resting • 1 tsp allspice berries • 2 bay…

Somewhere between dip and fondue, this gloriously gooey combo of cheddar, cream cheese and smoky scamorza is a delight. A pile of much-needed pickles cuts through the rich, oozy cheese Three cheese and pickle dip Serves 4-6 as a starter Prep time 10 min Cook time 10 min KNOW-HOW Scamorza is a smoked cheese with a distinct pear shape. It’s a curd cheese like mozzarella, which is then smoked, making it drier and firmer. You’ll find it in large supermarkets, cheese shops and Italian delis. Use any leftover scamorza in the same way as you would mozzarella – in pasta, on top of risotto or in a toasted sandwich. • 200g full-fat cream cheese • 300ml soured cream • 30g pickled jalapeños, plus 1 tbsp of their liquid • 100g…

Lamb will be on lots of menus this Easter and its richness begs something vibrant, pale and a bit peppery, which is why Belgian blondes are ideal. If you’re a roast pork household, you want more malt but with some fruitiness too, so a strong British bitter is best. Whether or not you have fish for dinner on Good Friday, beer is a brilliant choice for fish and chips. I love either a bright, crisp lager or a bitter, hoppy IPA – and I’ve found the best of both, below. The seasonal food shift also brings us a couple of great green flavours with asparagus and wild garlic. These suit vibrant pale beers with a hint of fruitiness or pepperiness from either hop or yeast. IPAs work well and bring…

TEAM TRAD Classic dishes are often shrouded in mystery, with fuzzy origin stories sparking disagreement and debate. Not so for chicken marbella. It was created by a duo of New York cooks, Sheila Lukins and Julee Rosso, who catapulted the dish to fame in their 1982 cookbook The Silver Palate (which was also the name of their deli). It was a seminal cookbook, eschewing established classical French food for pan-Mediterranean flavours (with some Asian influences thrown in for good measure). Of all the recipes in that book, chicken marbella is the one that’s stood the test of time. HEAD OF FOOD TOM SHINGLER THE FLAVOUR BALANCE It’s essentially a traybake, relying on a long marination to infuse the chicken with bags of sweet, sour, salty and umami flavours. There’s heaps…

THE OVERVIEW Different cuts of lamb require distinct cooking methods. As with all meats, it’s the cheaper cuts – shoulder, shank, belly and neck – that benefit from low and slow cooking, which breaks down tough muscles and renders gravy-enriching fats. Thanks to its rich flavour, lamb can stand up to bold spices, so curries and tagines are a great choice as they can bubble away for hours without becoming overcooked. The more expensive lamb cuts require more skill to get that melt-in-the-mouth medium-rare finish. These tender cuts, such as rack, cutlets, noisettes and saddle, all feature the lamb loin – also known as the cannon – and sit under the ribs. They’re the equivalent of the fillet steak, so they need to be cooked hot, fast and with great…

One-pot sausage lasagne Serves 4 Prep time 20 min Cook time 1 hour MAKE AHEAD Prepare it to the end of step 2 up to 2 days ahead, then cool, cover and chill. Add a tiny splash of water and carry on from step 3, cooking for around 30 minutes. BE A BETTER COOK If you don’t have a wide, shallow ovenproof pan, use a frying pan to make the lasagne, then transfer it to an oven dish to bake. The sausage ragù is looser than a regular one, as baking it with the lasagne sheets soaks up some of the moisture. To use the sauce with a different type of pasta, cook it for an extra 10 minutes or so to thicken it. • 2 tbsp olive oil •…

WILD GARLIC CHEAT SHEET • Wild garlic appears as early as late February (depending on the weather) but reaches its peak in early April when it may be flowering. The leaves have a fresh garlicky taste that’s punchy when raw but mellows when cooked. • The plant grows in shady woodland, often near water, and if you’re close by you’ll probably smell its garlicky aroma. You’re looking for clusters of broad, swordshaped green leaves and (depending on the time of year) white petalled flowers (buds and flowers are edible too). If you’re unsure, crush a leaf in your hands and give it a whiff – believe us, you’ll know if it’s wild garlic or not. • Legally you’re allowed to take any part of the plant above ground (if you’re…

This tart amps up the sweetness with hot cross bun crumbs enriching the filling, which is bright with zest, juice and some punchy spices. Sharp creme fraîche on top cuts through the syrup wonderfully When you take the concept of a classic panzanella (Italian stale-bread salad) but use hot cross buns and the flavours of a waldorf salad, it creates an explosion of freshness. It’s packed with crunch, sweetness, savouriness and just the right amount of tang. It might sound odd but it works! Pear, walnut and hot cross bun salad Serves 4 as a starter or side Prep time 15 min Cook time 8 min • 2 hot cross buns, torn into small pieces (check they’re vegan if you need them to be) • 50g walnuts • 3 celery…

Across 1 Italian condiment of chopped parsley, lemon zest and garlic (9) 8 Seabird whose eggs were once an upper-class delicacy (6) 9 Red wine grape – not Sam Neill’s favourite though (6) 12 Chow ____: Chinese stir-fried noodle dish (4) 13 Maori oven pit using buried hot rocks wrapped in leaves (5) 14 Cornish ____: a lovely seasonal cheese – see p99 (4) 117 Japanese cooking technique – coating in batter and frying (7) 18 Someone with excellent taste in food and drink (7) 19 Pickled herring wrapped around slices of onion (7) 22 Do this to a meal to make it serve more people… (7) 24 Distilled Middle Eastern spirit with an aniseed taste (4)25, 28 down An economic cut of pork, these are popular in Chinese cuisine…

SEASON’S EATINGS RADISHES If I had to offer a dictionary definition of the word ‘crunch’, I’d just tell you to eat a radish. But while they’re great raw, preferably with plenty of salted butter close by, roasting them mellows their pepperiness and turns them into beautiful jewel-like orbs. Try them spiced with sumac or za’atar, topping a bowl of silky hummus. WATERCRESS Spring really does give us a wealth of produce to play with, doesn’t it? Watercress might not get the star-of-the-show treatment like asparagus or wild garlic, but it’s a joy to cook with. It’s related to wasabi – both are known for their peppery tang – and I like it paired with Japanese flavours. I always throw a few handfuls into a stir-fry with teriyaki or soy sauce.…

Brother and sister hospitality duo Josh and Holly Eggleton have always had locally sourced ingredients and community at the heart of their small restaurant group in Bristol, but their new project is set to have nationwide impact. Finding a playful way to drive awareness of how food is grown, the couple’s Pony Group is fundraising to convert a disused bus into a Farm Bus, complete with kitchen, live chickens, a hydroponic growing system, a platform for demos and a resource library offering a travelling food education service. The initiative aims to grow our understanding of where food comes from, promoting food literacy and healthier choices. They plan to visit 25 schools a year as well as community groups and festivals to reach a diverse audience. Anyone will be able to…

1. SLEEK AND STYLISH Hotel Chocolat has brought a new level of sophistication to the world of long-weekend treats with this stylish Easter Sleekster chocolate box. Once the box is opened, its contents are impossible to resist, with the praline and pistachio flavours proving particularly moreish. £29.95 for 355g (30 chocolates), hotelchocolat.com 2. WEEKNIGHT WARRIOR As a recipe developer I am constantly cooking, and some nights I just run out of steam. These Laksa La Mian noodles from Prima Taste are my saviour when I don’t want to cook but need a hearty, easy meal. The broth is spicy, rich and coconutty and the noodles are plump and firm. Add boiled egg, prawns or chicken and some greens and it’s the best speedy supper. £2.45 for 185g, tradewindsorientalshop.co.uk 3. GET…

A BIT ABOUT ROSIE MACKEAN A chef, food stylist and dinner party revivalist, Rosie trained as a chef before spending two years working in London kitchens. Obsessed by cookery books and TV programmes, she turned her passion into a career working on cookbooks and shows such as Nadiya’s Family Favourites. She has a popular Substack, The Dinner Party, and published her first book, Good Time Cooking (Pavilion Books £26) in 2024. Follow Rosie on Instagram @rosiemackeanpastaqueen ROSIE’S MENU FOR SIX Asparagus and egg mayo toasts Nidi di tagliatelle al forno (baked pasta nests) Rice pudding brûlée with caramel bananas “Egg mayonnaise is a favourite of mine and makes a luxurious starter. Here, with the asparagus in a lemony, herby dressing, it becomes an elegant toast topper, perfect for dinner parties”…

I probably didn’t taste anything decent until I was in my twenties. My mother was one of the world’s greatest women – as well as being one of the world’s worst cooks, God bless her. Then there was boarding school. Then, in 1975, my girlfriend’s old boss at EMI took us for dinner to a Michelin-starred restaurant in Mayfair. It was a revelation to me: that food could be more than just fuel – and that pairing it with wine made everything even better. Wine is one of the great achievements of mankind. We haven’t been drinking manhattans that long but for thousands of years we’ve enjoyed wine. It’s one of the great keys to civilisation. I’m not interested in just ‘drinking’, but the idea of a great meal without…

The soothing pastel green of an iced matcha latte gets a sweet upgrade thanks to a big scoop of ice cream. As the ice cream melts, it slowly transforms into a milkshake. Win-win! Matcha float Serves 1 Prep time 5 min, plus cooling • 1 tsp matcha powder, plus extra to sprinkle • 4 tbsp just-boiled water • 330ml whole or plant-based milk (you may not need it all) • 1 scoop vanilla ice cream (vegan if it needs to be) 1 Put the 1 tsp matcha in a heatproof bowl and add the just-boiled water. Whisk, using an up-and-down motion rather than a circular one, until the powder has dissolved, turned the water bright green and is foamy on top. Leave to cool. 2 Fill a tall glass three-quarters…

Get ready for the tastiest cake your kitchen has ever produced. With a retro-kitsch look, this baklava-inspired pastel dome contains walnut sponges sandwiched together with pistachio paste and raspberry cream; silky pistachio icing provides the finishing touch ⋆ COVER STAR Baklava dome cake Serves 10-12 Prep time 1 hour, plus 1 hour setting and cooling Cook time 20-25 min Specialist kit 2 × 20cm sandwich tins; 20cm bowl; piping bag with decorative nozzles (we used large basket weave and st honore nozzles – see Know-how) MAKE AHEAD The iced cake will keep in an airtight container for up to 3 days at room temperature. Prep the cream and icing up to 2 days ahead and chill until needed (you may need to let the icing warm up to use it).…

A BIT ABOUT TOMÉ MORRISSYSWAN A former editor of Telegraph Food, Tomé is a self described “Bread lover and Arsenal fan”. He writes for lots of media including The Guardian and the iPaper. Follow him on Instagram @tmorrissyswan At Suffolk’s Fen Farm Dairy, Jonny Crickmore has been making Baron Bigod (above, right) for 12 years. It’s won several prizes and drawn favourable comparisons to brie-de-meaux, the soft French cheese upon which it’s based. But this year Crickmore added a new product to his range: Rædwald, a washed-rind cheese similar to reblochon. Unlike Baron Bigod, its availability will be fleeting – from January to April. For years, surplus winter milk was sold on, but now Crickmore has decided to use it for a winter and early spring cheese, one to melt…

A BIT ABOUT KATHY SLACK Kathy is a food writer who has become renowned for her love of vegetables. Not only does she grow them in her garden but she also creates recipes and hosts monthly supper clubs from the harvests, as well as teaching cookery classes. Read her Substack, Tales From The Veg Patch, or follow her on Instagram @gluts_gluttony There is never nothing to eat in the garden. Even in April, the traditional start of the ‘hungry gap’ for many veg patch growers like me, there’s always something to be found. Even if that something is weeds. The hungry gap marks the difficult few weeks British growers face between the winter harvests (brassicas, basically) running out and the spring ones (peas, spinach, broad beans and the rest) starting.…

WHY BEANS ARE THE BUSINESS They’re nutrient dense – one of the best natural sources of dietary fibre and a rich source of protein and complex carbohydrates. Growing beans can improve soil health and biodiversity, as well as reduce greenhouse gases. Plus, they’re affordable and taste great! Want to be full of beans? Find more brilliant recipes at deliciousmagazine.co.uk/beans Black bean and chipotle chocolate brownies Makes 9 Prep time 10 min Cook time 25 min Specialist kit 20cm × 20cm baking tin Adding black beans to brownie mix might sound strange, but they add heaps of moisture and structure, resulting in a fudgy texture without flour (making the brownies naturally gluten-free). Whizz the ingredients into a batter and bake – they couldn’t be easier. Don’t worry, they don’t taste like…

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Is Laura right or have you dined like royalty in the most unlikely places? Let us know on our social channels or at info@deliciousmagazine.co.uk I used to have a designated ‘flying sandwich’ I’d buy to eat on flights. It was from a popular chain and what made it suitable for flying was a) it was available in the airport and b) it was a baguette, which made it seem jazzier than a normal sandwich. I believed it added something to the thrill of the trip. Have you heard of a more ridiculous case of Stockholm syndrome? But what other options did I have? I could sit down for a ‘civilised’ £22 fry-up, but by the time it arrived I’d have to wolf it and run for…