Innholdsfortegnelse for April 2021 i Cosmopolitan

21 “OMG SNOWWW” TEXTS THAT KICKED OFF AN INSTANT SEROTONIN BOOST (HI FROM FEBRUARY!). 2 ZODIAC-SIGN CUSPERS FUL LY VAL IDATED BY THE HEATED DEBATE ON PAGE 72. 28 “business” “trips” to the post of fice to curate this handy list for you. It’ll all make sense on page 22. 168 medium-screen to lit tlescreen transitions throughout the day, because TikTok takes no breaks. 29 midday showers. 4 rain boots worn to figure out how the hell to wear… rain boot s. Math on page 26. 23 OFT NEGLECTED NECKS CRYING OUT FOR TLC, MAKING THE STORY ON PAGE 42 VERY NECESSARY. 120 UNANSWERED FARMVILLE REQUESTS OF YORE THAT MADE US QUESTION, UM, ~EVERYTHING~ (PAGE 6).…

If you’re dealing with anti–Asian American or anti–Pacific Islander abuse or discrimination: • The National Asian American Pacific Islander Mental Health Association has a database of national resources plus mental health services for AAPI people in every state. • The Asian Mental Health Collective also has a national directory of AAPI therapists and mental health resources as well as an Ask a Therapist series on its YouTube channel. • Asian Americans Advancing Justice, a collective that works on AAPI civil rights issues, can help you understand your legal rights. Many of its member organizations also offer free legal clinics and consultations on issues like immigration and employment discrimination. • The National Coalition for Asian Pacific Americans Community Development helps advocate for people in low-income AAPI communities across 21 states and…

1 KENDALL ROY Succession No one tops Daddy’s “number one boy,” who attempts (and fails) to live up to that title every damn day. 2 SIMON, THE DUKE OF HASTINGS Br idger ton The man actively tries *not* to be happy as a middle finger to his dead father. So many flavors of daddy issues on this list…. 3 PRINCE CHARLES The Crown His father (see?), Netflix’s version of Philip, openly resented his royal role. Charles takes the I-hate-my-life game up another notch. 4 RAMY HASSAN Ramy So the whole point of this show is that Ramy basically lives in his feels on a quest for enlightenment. And he has A LOT of feels. 5 THE PRIEST Fleabag He gives up on romantic love (bc he loves God even more),…

When I started watching Grey’s Anatomy in February 2020, the show was merely something to look at while I ate Thai food. Then the news got bad, then very bad, then, somehow, worse—and I realized I was lucky I had 17 seasons and counting of Meredith Grey & Co to go. Of course, I am not the inventor of the idea that hundreds of low-stakes “dramatic” episodes can be an emotional salve, nor is this theory unique to This Moment (it’s likely you know or *are* someone who has watched a therapeutic amount of Bones or House or Law & Order at some point). But I am its fiercest devotee bc watching TV has kept me tethered to my sanity this year. When your entire world—or in this case, the…

SOME ADVICE from Depop seller Eniola Kolawole (that you should def take bc just look at her right here): Put your cell on a tripod and dance around to your fave tunes until you score the perfect “buy all my fashun” pose. 1 POSHMARK You upload pics of what you want to sell; it tracks your sales and shipping info and hooks right up to your bank account so your earnings get deposited ASAP. 2 THREDUP It’ll send you a prepaid bag or shipping label and even go ahead and price your items for you. Shout-out to all my lazy Bs. This one’s for you. 3 TRADESY Yet another great option if numbers make you break out in a sweat (hi, me). Tradesy’s price-tag recs are actually backed by data.…

MICHELLE SMITH BRAND: Michelle Smith SPECIALTY: Minimalist knitwear A slow start is okay. “I love working at a careful pace, designing fewer collections that are more meaningful and create less waste. There’s a lot more intention and thought going behind everything that way.” That said, you can’t wait for the perfect time. “I was thinking about pushing out my launch to spring 2021, but I eventually just went for it. There is no ‘right’ moment. The timing felt like a risk, but since I decided to go made-toorder, I still felt in control.” Having something of your own = so worth it. “I poured everything I had into my former brand, Milly. The day it sold to someone else was hard. At the same time, closing that door has been…

1 EYE DROPS It’s how you save face when you’ve cried, laughed until you’ve cried, or not slept more than a collective 10 hours since you started this ~journey~. 2 PRESS-ON NAILS Horror story: showing up to your first one-on-one with chipped polish *shudders*. Cue press-ons, which take literally five mins and last up to a full week (yep, even during group mud wrestling). 3 BODY SERUM Slather one all over before you step out of the limo. The subtle sheen and lingering scent will probably get you the first impression rose. 4 BROW GEL Sry, but you’re just not going to beat out the 24-year-old nurse from Ohio if your brows are looking scraggly as hell. Groom them with a few swipes of gel. 5 TINTED BALM Tap it…

This solid MOISTURIZER The ultimate skin-softening dopeness! Its luxe combo of cocoa butter, sweet almond oil, and avocado oil starts to melt the second it hits your skin. Then the real magic begins. A very special SHEET MASK Rocking a huge mask on your belly is peak Instagram awesomeness. This one’s infused with aloe vera and antioxidants to deliver some mighty effective skin-soothing self-care. The most tried-and-true OIL One word: iconic. This bb has been fading ppl’s stretch marks and scars for more than three decades. Its blend of botanical oils manages to be nongreasy and life-changing at the same damn time. An ultra-rich BODY BUTTER One of the joys (insert: major eye roll) of pregnancy can be dry, itchy skin. This worth-every-cent butter is a daily dose of hydration…

1.THINK BEYOND RECYCLING. “It’s important but complicated and imperfect, which is where ‘reduce’ and ‘reuse’ come into play. Limiting your waste—by simply buying less when you can—and then reusing whatever waste you do make—by, say, repurposing an old foundation compact to hold jewelry—is incredibly valuable for our planet in the long run.” 2. FOCUS ON PEOPLE TOO. “It doesn’t matter how ‘clean’ or ‘natural’ an ingredient is if communities are being exploited along the supply chain. There’s absolutely nothing sustainable about that.” (Check out BCorporation.net to find beauty brands that value both planet and people.) 3. REMEMBER THAT IT’S NOT ALL OR NOTHING. “I’d rather have a million people taking small steps toward sustainability than two people hacking the system and figuring out how to exist on sunshine and water…

After stressing over lord knows how many interviews, you just wanna Get. This. Done. But offer letters and contracts, which most employers use to onboard new hires, are legally binding documents meant to protect The Business™ from losses or lawsuits (or both!). Here’s how to best protect you.* Double-check how it names you This may sound obvious, but if you’re hired as a full-time employee, the paperwork shouldn’t refer to you as a contractor. Full-timers get sweet legal protections and benefits, like medical leave and health insurance coverage (which, uh, important), says Susan Crumiller, founding attorney of feminist litigation firm Crumiller P.C. Plus, if you get laid off as a “contractor,” you can’t collect unemployment (unless you lost your job because of COVID-19). Do a Ctrl or Command + F…

general excellence BEST SWEET SNACK “This might be the most delicate food ever, but its intense strawberry flavor makes it one hundred percent worth dealing with. It’s also cute, and honestly, cute snacks > uncute snacks.” —Starr Bowenbank, ASSISTANT NEWS EDI TOR GLICO POCKY STRAWBERRY CREAM COVERED BISCUIT STICKS, $2.50 SNACK COSMOPOLITAN AWARDS Not gonna lie, it was an absolute pleasure to tastetest more than 100 bags, bars, and jars to bring you the 50 best snacks to munch on right now. These pages are basically the Oscars, only covered in cheese dust…which, TBH, the Oscars should consider? Head to Cosmopolitan.com/SnackAwards for the after-party/rest of the winners.…

BEST SNACK BAR “This sweet and chewy bar made from almonds, dates, and apples is actually really filling thanks to all the fiber and healthy fat—love to see it. Take as needed with cold brew and a walk around the block when hanger or midday boredom strikes. (I’m not a doctor, but this works.)” —AO LÄRABARALMOND COOKIE, $5.50 FOR 5 BEST ORGANIC SNACK “Fruit snacks = genius. They’re like a slightly less sugary candy but made from real fruit, and this one’s got the ~organic~ kind, which I could definitely use more of. IMO, it’s the sweet snack to meet all post-dinner needs.” —EB ANNIE’S ORGANIC BUNNY FRUIT SNACKS, $4 FOR 5 BEST VEGAN SNACK “Yes, a bag of crunchy, fingerlickingly cheesy chickpea puffs counts toward my daily vegetable (okay,…

ARIES (03.21–04.19) HBD! Mercury and Venus in your sign have you thriving with peak Liza Koshy–esque charisma levels. Enjoy, bc Taurus season means your 9-to-5 will soon be taking over. A bir thday (tarot) card THE EMPEROR Aries, this card represents your Sun sign, so it comes with an extra dose of on your birthday. The Emperor is about acting with focus and intention—and oh yeah, it’s giving you a signal that all your ambition is about to pay off. So go ahead and use this year to make real progress toward goals you’ve had for a long time. Get what you deserve, bb! CANCER (06.21–07.22) Work is kicking your ass—but when Taurus season starts, your social life makes up for it. Oh, and Mars, planet of libido, enters your…

Aka can you really be two signs at once? Not a thing! By JAKE REGISTER @JAKESASTROLOGY, COSMO(S) COUNCIL MEMBER AND AUTHOR OF ASTROLOGY FOR RELATIONSHIP Whenever anyone tells me they’re a cusp—aka born in a “gray area” “between” two signs, making them “a mix of both”—I send out some subtweets, bc no way. See, the way astrologers like me calculate birth charts is very mathematical. We study 360-degree maps of the sky at a specific time in a specific place. That’s how I know that Leo season started at 4:37 a.m. ET on July 22, 2020, which means anyone born before that minute (even at 4:36 a.m.) is a Cancer, not a Leo—and definitely not a hybrid. Look, it’s true that your birth chart is more than your Sun sign, and…

Everybody loves a DIY moment…until it goes really wrong. Save yourself a freak-out and stick to these dermapproved recipes from Dr. Shamban. If you want an easy acne mask… raw, unpasteurized honey is a godsend for fighting inflammation and bacteria, while avocado is rich in hydrating vitamin E. Combine the ingredients in a bowl, smooth a thin layer on clean, dry skin, and let it do its thing for 20 minutes. If you want to soothe dry, itchy skin… colloidal oatmeal is a powerful anti-inflammatory ingredient that’s great for anyone with eczema or psoriasis. Sprinkle a few tablespoons in your bathtub and soak for 30 minutes to get the full benefits. If you want to calm puffy eyes… matcha and green tea are both packed with caffeine and antioxidants that…

9 A.M. I need exactly three things to get going in the morning: more sleep, cold brew coffee, and a playlist of absolute bangers. Today, I snooze through only a few alarms (yes, I have multiple ones set five minutes apart, it’s called selfawareness) before catching up on Tik-Toks (because I use the crying-laughing emoji as a last resort only—IYKYK). 10 A.M. I log on to Slack and cause chaos with a Messy Question of the Day for my team (today, it’s “chicken nuggets or chicken fingers?”). I then dive into designing, starting with a Snapchat Story about what you should name your plant (my vote: Holly Parton) and an Instagram Reel about 2021 beauty trends. “Messy” because these debates get HEATED—my fave was, “Which Bath & Body Works scent…

Who do you consider to be an inf luencer? 42% People who are verified, profit off their posts, and have more than 25K followers. 14% Someone with at least 25K followers. 30% Those who make #ad money from their content. 14% Anyone with a blue check mark. When’s the last time you followed a new-to-you influencer? 65% Within the past couple of months. 19% Pre-COVID-19. 9% Today. 7% I don’t follow any influencers. Have you ever bought something bc an inf luencer promo’d i t? Y 45% Yes, obviously. N 55% Uh, nope. FUN FACT 31% of you do a background check (aka a google) before smashing Follow. When’s the last time you unfollowed an influencer? 66% Within the past couple of months. 19% Today. 9% Pre-COVID-19. 6% I don’t…

Like everything and everyone else, Hollywood has looked pretty different this past year. And all the delayed movie releases, film-set shutdowns, and theater closures mean new rules for its Biggest Event. I mean, obviously, the show itself won’t be the same (miss you so much, awkward celeb run-ins and IRL audience drama), but neither will the ~awards process~. The pandemic has rendered some of the typical Oscars eligibility criteria obsolete, leaving the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences’ 9,600-some voters (aka the ppl who decide who wins) with a difficult task—and the rest of us just trying to keep up. Here’s what you can expect this time around. The weirdest things about the Academy Awards this year, ranked A LITTLE AWKWARD The timing. The ceremony is two months later…

Where’s home for you? My dog is at my place in L.A., so that’s my base. Home is wherever my dog is. Aw, what kind? She’s a pug and Jack Russell, a beauty. You haven’t seen pictures? No! You have pictures? Yeah. Here’s her listening to some records with me. [Lewis flips his phone around to reveal an adorable dog photo.] Okay, I love her. Speaking of pics, I was creeping on Insta and saw you have a bunch of tiny tats. I have a lot of tattoos—they’re part of my story, like a diary. On my fingers, I have “grace” and “love,” actually in an old ex-girlfriend’s handwriting. We broke up, but we’re still really great friends, so these represent that feeling. It’s not weird to basically have your…

1 PJs are only for bed. Quarantine was the thing that officially shattered the distinction btwn “at home” clothes and “in public” clothes. And there are lots of chic silk, printed, and feathery sets that deserve to venture beyond your four walls. 2 Leather’s for cold weather. The material comes in way more forms than your typical fall moto jacket, just sayin’. (And hellooo to this skirt, which won’t overheat you even when temps rise.) 3 Don’t show too much skin at once. Sorry, Mom, but sheer outfits hath ARRIVED. They’re great for warmer weather bc they keep ya cool. Plus, they let you show off your pretty ~underthings~. P.S. “Don’t wear white af ter Labor Day” and “Don’t mix silver and gold” also apply here, and it’s like, who…

DOUBLE UP Slay two trends with one shirt (or dress!) by choosing a style with a contrastingcolor collar.…

SOFT AND HAZY Summon your inner artiste and use a fluffy brush to blend a soft wash of color around your eyes that’s worthy of 1,000 selfies. P.S. This diffused smoky eye is also lowkey a concealer—no one will notice your dark circles when your makeup is this good. SATURATED SHIMMER Dampen the bristles of your shadow brush with water (it’ll intensify whatever pigments you apply), and swipe a sparkly darkpurple powder across your lids and along your lower lash lines. It’s a full-on makeup moment and I’m so here for it. GLITTER WINGS If the idea of allover purple makes your commitment issues flare up, don’t stress. Baby-step into the trend and pack a violet glitter shadow onto your upper lash line, blending out the end to create a…

Whenever I tell people what I do, everyone assumes I’m in it for the perks. And trust me, the talk shows and afterparties *are* cool (you don’t even want to know how many selfies I have with Reese Witherspoon’s bobby pin), but nothing is better than the days I get to just kick it with Jason, Lisa, and the kids. I know, I know, but they’re truly as down-to-earth as celebrities get. Like, I sometimes even forget they’re famous… until I open the fridge and see a shelf full of $20 pressed juices from Erewhon. We live in Topanga, which is kinda like Malibu, only a little douchier [Editor’s note: As someone who grew up in southern California, I can confirm], and start our mornings with a casual three-hour workout. Jason…

35% of COVID-19 patients experience symptoms for up to three weeks af ter testing positive. SOURCE: CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL AND PREVENTION In March 2020, Isabela Pauer, 22, was living in Barcelona when she contracted COVID-19 at a music festival. The symptoms hit hard. Her throat felt sore on the inside and itchy on the outside. She was nauseated, and her arms and legs ached all day long. Heart palpitations and migraines struck without warning. Shortness of breath kept her up at night. “For two weeks, I’d get up and stick my head out the window,” she says. “It felt like there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room to breathe.” One year later, now living with her parents in Ohio, Isabela can breathe again. But she’s still dealing with daily reminders…

BEST SOUR CANDY “Let me count the ways this gummy candy is the GOAT: (1) All the teeny sour crystals make your mouth literally water. (2) The chewy little kids (creepy but tasty?) have the *most* satisfyingly sweet finish. There’s nothing closer to perfection.” —Jessica Goodman, OP-ED ED ITOR SOUR PATCH KIDS, $2 BEST CHEESY SNACK “We can all agree that the best part of any warm cheddar dish is its slightly overdone edges. This is actually an entire box of bitesize versions of that.” —Katie Czerwinski, MOTION GRAPHICS DESIGNER CHEEZ-ITS, $3 BEST SPICY SNACK “This sexy bag of crunchy, mouthwateringly hot flavor bombs doubles as my favorite salad topping. Def worth the permaorange tongue.” —Ashley Oerman, LIFESTYLE DIRECTOR FLAMIN’ HOT CRUNCHY CHEETOS, $3 BEST DIP “It’s The Move for…

Prep Time: 30 min. Total Time: 4 hours 35 min. (incl. refrigerating) Makes: 12 servings WHAT YOU NEED 15 vanilla creme-fi lled chocolate sandwich cookies, divided1 Tbsp. butter, melted2 pkg. (8 oz. each) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese, softened1/2 cup sugar1/2 tsp. vanilla2 eggs1 pkg. (4 oz.) BAKER'S White Chocolate, broken into small pieces1 Tbsp. each miniature candy-coated chocolate pieces and multi-colored sprinkles3/4 cup thawed COOL WHIP Whipped Topping MAKE IT HEAT oven to 325°F. CRUSH 10 cookies into fine crumbs; mix with butter. Press evenly onto bottoms of 12 paper-lined muffin cups. Bake 8 min. Meanwhile, chop 4 of the remaining cookies; save for later. BEAT cream cheese, sugar and vanilla in large bowl with mixer until blended. Add eggs, one at a time, mixing on low speed after each just…

The Moon—and especially the Full Moon—is v, v powerful in astrology and witchcraft. And you can tap into its energy whenever you want by supercharging water once a month and using it to bathe your crystals, feed your plants, fill your essential-oil diffuser, upgrade your own bath, basically anything. (Yep, you can also drink it.) Doing so can help you boost your intuition or ~manifest~ something—whether you’re trying to figure out why a friend soft-blocked you, writing a kick-ass cover letter, or conjuring up more self-acceptance and self-compassion. Oh, and did I mention it’s extremely easy to prepare? LE RECIPE Find a clear jar or container. If you have any, burn some herbs to cleanse the jar, or drop in a few water-safe crystals like rose quartz or amethyst, while…

“Want to know what surprised us least about this project? That the people we surveyed during the novel coronavirus pandemic and its various lockdowns would be itching for something—how do we put this?—novel between the sheets. When we learned that 36 percent of men and 29 percent of women surveyed had fantasized during the pandemic about having sex with someone other than their partner, we kind of got where they were coming from. It’s damn hard to have exclusively loyal thoughts when you haven’t left your apartment in almost a year and you and your partner are living on more beans than anyone should eat in a lifetime. But we couldn’t help but have an ‘aww, shucks’ moment when we learned that 69 percent of men surveyed reported that they…

Hi, please join me in saying goodbye to the days of hit ting 10+ places to get through your skincare list and saying hello to the golden age of supermarket shopping. Everything you need, from powerful vitamin C serums to Rx-strength retinoids, is now just casually hanging out next to all your other life essentials (frozen pizza, the wine aisle). And like I said—because I truly can’t say it enough—this actually great stuff won’t mess with your budget. Here are the exact products to throw in your cart, the DIY ingredients you need, and, bc I love you, a few indie brands that are about to be your new faves. YOUR LIL SHOPPING LIST So yeah, this grocery beauty renaissance means you have options—like, a *lot* of options. Which also…

LET’S LEARN FROM THIS If we have one more epiphany in quarantine, let it be that comfy can also be stylish, especially in matching silk PJs. Just add a blazer and some jewelry, and—scariest of all, but bear with us—swap your slippers for heels. CATCHING JENNA You probably recognize her as Young Jane from Jane the Virgin or Ellie from You season 2, but this 18-year-old actor is about to be literally everywhere else. After her role in Net flix’s srsly-so-sweet movie Yes Day, she’ll star in the destined-tob e-iconic Scream revival. So, yes, she needs Real Clothes!!! HOUSEDRESS, MEET OFFICE At long last, the breezy maxi is (almost) ready for her real-world debut. Esp after you throw on a belt and cute pair of sandals. SHEER-TAINLY When in the…

Groups Your Feed Your Notifications Your Groups FarmVille Farmers!!! Respectful pleas to the eighth grade class to respond to FarmVille requests in a more timely manner. Jingle Ball Tixxx A strangely detailed plan for acquiring free Jingle Ball tickets two (unsuccessful) years in a row, involving an extra burner phone, two laptops, and caramel Frapps. ~*~secret wall~*~ Uh, just a lot of posts about literally anything you wanted to share with your friends and hide from your mom after y’all became Facebook-friend official. APUSH CREW Grainy BlackBerry photos of textbook chapters for that one AP U.S. History classmate who consistently forgot their book in their locker. (You. This was you.) Incoming Class of 2017! Five different “OMG me toooo” comments from people you never actually became friends with under your…

MINARI A poignant American immigrant story NOMADLAND Frances McDormand + a van + beautiful scenery JUDAS AND THE BLACK MESSIAH A spookily good biopic PROMISING YOUNG WOMAN The best and most complicated revenge flick of the year SOUND OF METAL A drama about a musician losing his hearing ONE NIGHT IN MIAMI Regina King’s powerful featurefilm directing debut THE TRIAL OF THE CHICAGO 7 Big Courtroom Drama DA 5 BLOODS Director Spike Lee’s Vietnam epic BORAT SUBSEQUENT MOVIEFILM THE Rudy Giuliani cameo comedy MA RAINEY’S BLACK BOTTOM A play adaptation feat. Chadwick Boseman’s last role…

Keeping Up With the Kardashians + DARK CHOCOLATE That the final season is here feels surreal/impossible/like the end of an era…and, dare I say, bittersweet? Surround yourself with empty candy wrappers while you wonder if you and Khloé can become real-life besties now that she’s not so busy filming. RETURNS MARCH 18 ONE! Generation + GUMMY CANDIES This high school series (from executive producer Lena Dunham) is sure to give you a wave of nostalgia that can be tempered only with massive amounts of rainbow-colored gummies. The sugar rush will fortify you with the energy you need to tweet your reactions at rapid-fire speed. PREMIERES MARCH 11 ON HBO MAX The Falcon and the Winter Soldier + TAKIS With living fire-emoji leads like Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan, the only…

CLASSIC WELLIES ANKLE BOOTIES TALL LUG-SOLES MID-CALF BOOTS Psst: Make any boots waterrepellent with Jason Markk Repel Spray, $17, jasonmarkk.com.…

Start with some contrast Ease in with a ’fit that’s ~mostly~ monochromatic and let a black top add dimension to your vibe. Pile it all on As in shades on shades on shades. Layering different browns together gives your look extra depth. Don’t forget accessories! Keep the theme going with your bag and also your belt and also some coordinating sunnies and maybe some statement shoes too?…

BEST FOR curly hair Alcohol-based formulas (basically, anything in a spray can) are great at stripping the oils from your scalp…and the moisture from your curls. My pick? A squeeze-bottle dry shampoo that puffs loose powder along your roots to soak up oils without dehydrating hair. BEST FOR greasy hair The closer a starch is to the beginning of a product’s ingredients list, the more powdery the dry shampoo will feel and the more oil it’ll suck up. This one is front-loaded with rice starch—one of the strongest oil absorbers—giving it a matte, nonsticky finish. BEST FOR flat, blah hair On days when your hair just needs a quick refresh, you want a dry shampoo that has minimal powder, maximum texture. This formula doesn’t even use starch, just zeolite, a…

1 Leaving your phone in the living room, LOL. Getting out of bed to access all your newsletters literally never trumps staying in bed till 11 a.m. Next! 2 Opening the blinds as soon as you wake up. Even if you had someone to do this for you like you’re the damn Queen of England, that eye mask is just too powerful. Or at least, your disdain for human interaction is. 3 Buying thyself a present if thou arises when the rooster crows. A lack of enthusiasm for pre-noon activities don’t cost a thing, baby! 4 Going to sleep earlier. You really thought this would work, but turns out, waking at 8 a.m. is only useful if you don’t spend the next two hours on Instagram. 5 Working out first thing.…

please imagine this scenario with me: You just finished a brutal workweek and you’re v down to clown—but you have an 8 a.m. Zoom yoga class booked for tomorrow. So instead of BYOB’ing with your quaranteam, you pass around some carefully portioned THC gummies or whip out your weed pens (both are legal for recreational use in 15 states and D.C.). When you rise and sun salutation the next day, all you feel is well fucking rested. And pretty baller that you’re now living Cali sober, a wellness lifestyle born in (where else?) California that involves swapping crushing-headacheinducing drinking for an ostensibly kinder high. Honestly, it’s not hard to see the appeal. Especially for more serious Calisoberers, who tout the alleged inflammationreducing, anxietytaming, chronic-painmanaging powers of le sticky icky. To…

1 That time you got back together with your ex…for three whole weeks. It wasn’t you—it was Mercury Retrograde! 2 Every tear you cried during episodes 4 and 8 of Matt James’s season of The Bachelor. See, the Moon was in Cancer, making you extra sensitive…. 3 Your quick postlunch power nap that lasted, oops, four hours. Everyone knows that Full Moons make you tired. 4 All your subtweets. Check your Mercury sign, bb. Yeah, we thought it’d be Gemini. 5 Marinara stain + (no longer) perfect white tee. Sagittarius, here’s a Tide pen. Some signs are just clumsy, okay? 6 Your habit of daydreaming during important Zooms. Especially if you’ve got at least one Pisces placement. 7 The year when you changed jobs, um, four times. It was your…

Let’s get something on the record right away: Any dick pic sent without consent is a Bad Dick Pic. If your texting partner hasn’t explicitly said, “Hi, yes, I want to see,” pulling down your pants and sending them photographic evidence of your genitals isn’t an icebreaker. In some places, it’s a legitimate crime. So. Now that that’s handled, allow me to explain why most of us are totally here for an actually requested dick pic. A hint: It has everything to do with ego, at least for me. You see, knowing that *I* personally got you that worked up? That fast? Absolute turn-on. Trust me when I say that nothing makes me hornier than knowing how horny I’m making you from afar. Plus, penis shots help make fantasies feel…

TRADER JOE’S While you’re waiting for a restock on the Cauliflower Gnocchi, swing by the beauty aisle and check out TJ’s namesake Trader Joe’s brand, which has everything from SPF to cleansers—and they’re all $10ish or less per product. MUST-TRY ITEM: Trader Joe’s Nourish Antioxidant Facial Serum, $10 WALMART Cleen Beauty’s streamlined collection of cleansers, moisturizers, and treatments is proof that clean products with smart ingredients don’t need to be hard to find or majorly expensive. MUST-TRY ITEM: Cleen Beauty PHA Toner, $7 Also, you don’t need an actual prescription for really effing good acne products. AcneFree will make your life one hundred times easier with pore-clearing treatments, cleansers, and more. MUST-TRY ITEM: AcneFree Terminator 10, $5 Instead of questionable ingredients like sulfates, phthalates, and parabens, Earth to Skin’s plant-based…

WARRIOR PRINCESS The voice of one, that is. Catch Kelly in Disney’s animated Raya and the Last Dragon, streaming now. My overall nightstand vibe Cute slash chic. And freakishly organized. Marie Kondo changed my life—someone please tell her I love her! Always in there ChapStick. Plus my Moleskine lined notebooks and Crayola Fine Line Markers. I am a newly obsessed bullet journaler. And always on top Is it surprising to be obsessed with Harry Potter and have a Harry Potter coaster on my nightstand for bedtime tea? No, I didn’t think so, but I felt you should know about it. My snack sitch None, but THAT IS A GREAT IDEA. Current bedtime reading Know My Name, by Chanel Miller. It’s heart-wrenching and powerful. When it comes to alarms, I… Set…