Innholdsfortegnelse for Issue 5 i Change Your Life

Ali Roff Farrar Journalist, author and yoga and mindfulness teacher Ali is a yoga and mindfulness teacher and author of The Wellfulness Project (Aster, £16.99). Ali co-founded retreat company, The Remedy Retreats, with her husband, James Farrar. On page 32, she ditches the corporate career ladder in favour of serving others. In our Self section on page 54, she confronts her judgement demons, puts past pains to rest and finds forgiveness along the way with the help of Gabrielle Bernstein’s Judgement Detox. Oliver Burkeman Journalist and author Oliver is an award-winning journalist for The Guardian and the author of The Antidote: Happiness For People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking (Canongate, £8.99). He talks about the perks of play for play’s sake on page 72. ‘We tell ourselves that play is…

Charm is a funny thing. Most of us secretly wish we had more of the ‘wow factor’, that magic ingredient that makes small-talk sparkle and fizz like the best Prosecco, dazzling potential BFFs, colleagues, bosses and soulmates with our captivating wit. To this end there are countless books, self-help programmes and TED Talks devoted to the mysterious art of winning people over. Strange then, given all the helpful advice out there, how rare it still is to come across someone who is genuinely charming. We’ve all fallen victim to the smooth-talker – that unpleasant character who is armed with a clear agenda, a pasted-on smile and outrageous flattery, which is why, when we encounter authentic charm, it makes such a lasting impression. As a child growing up in Glasgow, I…

1 If a friend lets you down, you can’t help thinking they’re: ♥ Selfish • Messing you around • Flaky ■ Not such a good friend after all 2 Your tolerance levels plummet when you’re: ■ Nervous or unsettled ♥ Feeling attacked ♦ Under stress • Out of your comfort zone 3 People bring out your ‘judgy’ side when they: ♥ Lack self-awareness • Make you feel uncomfortable ♦ Clash with your values ■ Make you feel excluded 4 Life would be easier if you were: ■ Less self-conscious • More self-confident ♦ More easy-going ♥ Less of a perfectionist 5 You find it easier to forgive people who: ♥ Are trying their best ♦ Admit their mistakes • You can learn from ■ Seem to really like you 6…

The summer holidays may be nearing, which is exciting, but what about when they come to an end? It can be depressingly easy to look ahead to the following months and see nothing but work. But there is a way to hang onto some of that holiday spirit – and it’s one that will make you a better worker, spouse, parent and friend into the bargain: play. We tell ourselves that play is exclusively for children and growing up means leaving it behind – but a large body of research shows it can help relieve stress, improve brain function, help with trauma recovery and enhance relationships. Play can be anything from board games and outdoor sports to crafts, dance or making music. There’s a catch, though: if you focus too…

Here’s a secret that many of us share. Deep down, many of us feel like a fraud – and think that our accomplishments are the result of luck versus talent. This phenomenon is known as imposter syndrome and reflects the belief that you think you’re not good enough despite evidence to the contrary. In this bookazine, we look at the four areas of your life in which this corrosive belief may be showing up and explore strategies and ways to overcome it. In our Work section, we look at how you can find the confidence to stop hiding and start speaking up about how you feel so you can create changes in your career. In our Relationships section, our writers explore ways to communicate with kindness and charm so you…

1 Past regrets about speaking out revolve around: ♥ Getting too emotional ◆ Embarrassment or feeling exposed ● The impact on relationships ■ Feeling you can’t defend your position 2 Generally, your biggest barrier to self-belief is: ■ Taking yourself seriously ♥ Your critical voice ◆ Comparing yourself to others ● Feeling overwhelmed 3 Planned speaking out usually involves: ♥ Overthinking and overpreparing ● Being pushed to your limit ◆ Other people who take the lead ■ Raising questions to spark thinking 4 Before a big social event, you worry that you will: ■ Be a bit bored ♥ Make a fool of yourself ◆ Not click with anyone ● Find it too much 5 You’d speak out more if you knew: ■ The right time and place ♥ How…

Eighteen months ago, I adopted a retired racing greyhound. This followed a period of mourning for my beloved dog, Charlie. Through Charlie, I had developed an affinity for greyhounds – a refined and heraldic breed, often referred to as ‘40 mph couch potatoes’. Initially, Madra was as docile as Charlie. He even had to be woken up in the morning, in contrast to Charlie who would come whimpering to my door at dawn. Madra’s teeth would chatter when you stroked his belly or tickled him under his chin. On busy London streets, he cantered along beautifully at my heel, and not even a discarded fried chicken bone could tempt him off course. A few weeks into our cohabitation, on a quiet Thames-side path, I fastened a muzzle on Madra and…

Have you ever felt baffled at your ability to sabotage a relationship just as it gets off the ground? Or to consistently choose partners who aren’t ready to commit? Chances are your attachment style is in operation. Scientists have identified four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and chaotic. Thanks to attachment research, we know that the quality and consistency of the attention and love we get from birth has a lasting impact on the way our brain and nervous system develop. Good relationships can help us reset our attachment style and, as we grow in emotional intelligence and self-awareness, we can spot unhelpful patterns and choose different responses. Take our test, devised by psychologist Sally Brown, to reveal your attachment style, and find out how you can work with…

The events of this year have thrown a spotlight on isolation. Short-term feelings of loneliness are part of life, but there are times when they can be debilitating. Unaddressed, they can affect our wellbeing and even our health. In this month’s podcast, I chat to UKCP therapist Stephen Westcott about the complexities of loneliness, and how to find ways to make changes. CEO of the UK Council for Psychotherapy Integrative psychotherapist Stephen Westcott explains how to understand and manage feelings of disconnection and loneliness Living in forced isolation and choosing to be isolated are different, but both can have a real impact on us. While some people love their own company, a stigma still exists around being alone, associated with having no friends and not being socially fulfilled. However, that…

Previously, I did not think that I had an ego problem. That was when I associated big egos purely with loud, brash, shamelessly self-promoting bores, who droned on about their achievements, completely oblivious to my eyes glazing over with disinterest. I have since realised that ego issues are far more complex, and that I might have a ‘difficulty’, after all. For example, at a recent business meeting, when I was introduced as a ‘stay-at-home mum’ instead of a freelance writer, I was shocked at my visceral reaction. I felt my cheeks redden, while my inner dialogue went berserk. I spent the rest of the meeting distracted, trying to assuage my dented ego, dropping comments about how busy I was writing all day, and not sitting on the sofa. It didn’t…

What is charm? A magical aura that surrounds a chosen few? A fake smile and a good storyteller; something to be forged and learned? Or could it be that charm is a unique element within all of us, a resource at our fingertips, just waiting to be unlocked? In this section, we share the secret to discovering your hidden authentic charm. From relationships to networking, we discuss how to find your own version of charisma and use it to its full potential. Writer Sylvia Loehken gives you tips on turning up to a party on your own, and shares ways in which you can ask questions and take your leave in style. Plus, counsellor Sally Brown’s test will help you uncover your authentic charm. Enchanté……

1 A new colleague has a reputation for being difficult. How would you go about winning them over? A By making them laugh B By being as supportive as you can be C By opening up about your own life D By being your usual enthusiastic self 2 When you mess up, what’s your instinctive way to smooth things over? A By being honest about your mistake B By throwing yourself into sorting it out C By making light of the situation – there’s always a funny side D By putting yourself in the other person’s shoes 3 You’re asked to make a speech at a good friend’s wedding. What’s your priority? A Speaking from the heart, and telling everyone how special your friend is B Making sure it’s funny…

There’s something I don’t really want to admit to myself, let alone to the readers of a national magazine: sometimes, I judge people. There, I said it! But we all do this, don’t we? It’s a natural part of being a human being, and nothing to be ashamed about, assures Gabrielle Bernstein, named as a ‘new thought leader’ by Oprah Winfrey and author of Judgement Detox: Release The Beliefs That Hold You Back From Living A Better Life (Hay House, £12.99). A few months ago, I met Bernstein for breakfast. She openly and honestly told me about her own judgements and, more importantly than that, how relinquishing them has changed her life, enormously, for the better. Bernstein has written a whole book on judgement, and yet the thought of even…

AFTER YEARS OF DREAMING about country life, I’ve taken the leap, moving from a big city to a small village. It’s so exciting, but it took me a long time to make the decision. Stepping into the unknown isn’t always easy for introverts. Perhaps you’re doing what you think you should be doing, but it doesn’t necessarily make you happy. I certainly felt like this. But shoulds suck! It’s about trusting your gut and being prepared to follow your intuition. Sometimes, we’re not used to going within and really listening to what we want, and very often we ignore the warning signs when our inner GPS is flashing. How do you tune into the passionate and purposeful voice within? ● In what ways are you mean to yourself ? How…

Out of four main attachment styles, around 50 per cent of people have a secure style, which comes with an innate confidence in getting their emotional needs met by their close relationships. But if you are one of the 20 per cent with an anxious attachment style, it can feel as if you never get the love and attention you need. The 25 per cent with an avoidant style, meanwhile, can get trapped in a ‘come here, go away’ cycle with friends and partners, and the five per cent with a chaotic attachment style get a double whammy of anxious and avoidant combined, and feel like life is an emotional rollercoaster.* 1 In your friendship group, you’re the: ♥ Steady one who can be relied on ◆ One who’s most…

Pema Chodron is our favourite wise woman. Beloved Buddhist teacher, author, nun and mother, she has inspired millions of people around the world who have been touched by her example and message of practising peace in these turbulent times. The Pema Chodron Foundation is dedicated to preserving and sharing Pema’s inspiration and teachings in order that they might help us all awaken wisdom and compassion in ourselves and the world around us.pemachodronfoundation.org To buy her books, go to bookdepository.com; betterworldbooks.com…