Innholdsfortegnelse for Issue 4 i Change Your Life

Rachel Garnett Writer Rachel works as a writer for various publications, as well as being a PR consultant for charities and not-for-profit organisations. She talks on page 42 about how liberating and insightful a regular practice of journalling has been for her. After having been dismissive of it for years, being inspired to give it a go has led to increased self-esteem and awareness; as she says, it has become a ‘place of inspiration, a friend and a companion for life.’ Oliver Burkeman Journalist and author Oliver is an award-winning journalist for The Guardian and the author of The Antidote: Happiness For People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking (Canongate, £8.99). He talks about communicating with someone who holds a different view on page 88, suggesting that the key to changing…

Coach, speaker and mindfulness expert Neil Seligman’s guide to challenging conversations ● Aim to reflect your values, rather than being right or wrong ● Focus on what’s true for you ● Ask questions and say, ‘Help me to understand your view’ ● Stop, take a conscious breath, observe and then proceed ● Pay attention to your ‘blind’ spots; how you may be coming across to the other person: facial expression, tone of voice and body language ● Show yourself compassion, rather than worrying, after conflict ● Remember, you can make amends neilseligman.com…

1 WOMB SPACE BREATHING WHY? This is a beautiful practice to help you fully reconnect with your womb space. From soothing discomfort, rebuilding trust after difficult circumstances or tapping into your feminine creativity, this practice can support a range of different struggles that we all face. I use the term ‘womb space’ because even if you do not have a physical womb for various reasons, there is a powerful energy in this part of the body. It is an area that may be encompassed with shame, grief and all manner of darker emotions, so it is easy to become disconnected from it. During my own healing journey from a place of ignoring the needs of my body and punishing it relentlessly, I found this simple practice helped bring awareness to…

STAYING CONNECTED TO YOUR VALUES • Unfollow people on social media, and set clear boundaries with those in the real world who don’t make you feel good. • Regularly reconnect with your values. It could be via a blog or journal, or you could take five minutes every day to read a reminder of what you value and the type of person you want to be. • Say no to people and events if they’re not in line with what you value. Do it kindly, confidently and unapologetically. DISCOVERING YOUR TRUE VALUES • Do a ‘future self’ or ‘inner mentor’ visualisation, to help you tap into the life you truly want to lead and the person you want to be. Author and coach Tara Mohr offers a free one on…

Thriving in the face of deep instability is not easy, in fact it always demands a level of discomfort. There is no magic wand that will make our painful experiences vanish. At times, the path may be devastating and we may feel stuck and fear that happiness will never return. It’s important to understand that thriving isn’t about making life comfortable and fun, it’s about finding purpose and making our own unique contribution. Born to cope Evolution demands that we expand to become what we need to become when things fall apart. It is our challenge to find resilience and meaning in the tragedies and fears that confront us. In discovering ways of dealing with these events, we have the possibility of alchemising our experience and turning the base metal…

• Choosing a journal is personal. It doesn’t have to be a big book of blank pages; digital is fine. If you feel the urge to write, do it on the back of an envelope or receipt to add to your journal later. • Writing in blue or black reminds us of work – choose a different colour. • What you write about today may be totally different to what you write about the next time. Journals have no boundaries. • Doodling or drawing can help open up thoughts. So can questions. What are my emotions before I journal today? Do I feel light or heavy? • Keep past journals. Look back on them and old entries of the journal you are using now – they will help you understand…

● A study published in the Journal Of The American Medical Women’s Association showed that 42 per cent of 132 women experiencing difficulty becoming pregnant conceived within six months of completing a mind-body programme. ● Research has revealed that hypnotherapy is an effective aid not only in natural conception but also when used in conjunction with IVF. ● A study published in Fertility And Sterility showed that 55 per cent of the previously infertile women who used mind-body techniques conceived, compared with 20 per cent of the control group who didn’t use these techniques. ● An Israeli study of 185 women found that the success rate of IVF treatments doubled when the subjects had hypnosis during the embryo transfer.…

Meet face to face Keep emails and texts for less significant exchanges. Face the person you’re talking to, stand with confidence and an open posture and speak slowly. Our voice jumps in volume and pitch when we’re feeling out of control but a steady, deliberate voice conveys confidence during more difficult conversations. Speak softly The 13th-century Persian poet Rumi wrote: ‘Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.’ It seems basic but being shrill raises hackles! Say what you feel Use the first person ‘I’; it apportions less blame. Be truthful about your emotions but don’t dwell on negative feelings. Use thoughtful language State calmly what you would like the other person to do. Professor of social interaction Elizabeth Stokoe analysed thousands of hours…

Do you think about making changes in life? Change can come unexpectedly – a life event may make us question where we are and whether other things would bring us more satisfaction. Midlife, whatever that means to you, can prompt reflection – but change can be scary. We may not know where to start or worry about upsetting the status quo. I spoke to therapist Melissa Cliffe about how therapy can help someone through midlife transitions. Psychotherapist Melissa Cliffe has a special interest in women and midlife. She explains how periods of transition can affect us, and how to deal with them There’s a cliche that men go through a midlife crisis – but most of us experience changes as we go through life. Over time, our responsibilities and relationships…

1 What don’t you want? Sometimes, it is easier to know what you don’t want. Cutting out those things can leave more space for the things you do want. 2 What holds you back? Is there something that makes it tough to instigate change? 3 What gives you satisfaction in life? What are the things you don’t often get to do but want to make more time for? Make an effort to prioritise these activities. 4 What are your emotions telling you? Our feelings can help us make change happen, and monitor the process. 5 Who can help you? Talk your ideas through with someone you trust, or consider speaking to a therapist to help you find clarity. The UK Council for Psychotherapy has a list of accredited therapists who…

In this bookazine, we share with you how to build your confidence in your inner world before you go out there and speak up and make the changes you want in the outer world. In part one, Suzy Bashford explores why it’s useful to discover your own self-worth on page 26. Plus, Ellen Tout digs deep and discovers how to say how she really feels and asks to be heard on page 6. Rachel Garnett explores how to journal on page 42 and communes with her inner voice so she can get clear about her message. We also look into how to truly flourish when you’ve faced massive challenges – be it the loss of a child, infertility or a relationship break-up. How do you find the inner strength to…

1 Become aware of your thoughts • Do a simple activity – go for a walk or visit a coffee shop – and listen to your thoughts as they arise. • Write down any negative responses you have to people around you and anything else that comes to mind. • Later, look at your notes and ask yourself why you may have had those thoughts. 2 Begin the reset • Now that you are more aware of your thoughts, it’s time to begin the shift. • Habits take a while to break, so be gentle with yourself. • Repeat the simple task from before but, every time a critical thought surfaces, add something considerate to it. • This may take a little practice – but look for the positive and…

January rolled in on a high – this was the year I was to be married. That summer, my fiance and I would put on our fanciest outfits, gather family and friends, say our vows and embark on the future we’d been dreaming of (honeymoon, babies, eventual move to the countryside…) With months to go, all that was left were those little details – hair, flowers, favours; things you think you’ll be laid-back about, but end up utterly absorbed in. Yup, this was the year. I had life totally figured out, and thought I couldn’t be happier. Rollercoaster ride Then – suddenly – my fiance seemed distant. A few days later, he texted me at work asking if we could talk that evening. Back home, I walked into the lounge…

Trudging along the beautiful cobbled streets of Bruges on the last day of a fraught family holiday, I was lost for words when my temperamental pre-teen whispered: ‘This has been the best trip of my life, I will remember it for ever.’ Let us just say that is not how I was mentally summarising our holiday. Booked to mark my husband’s 40th birthday, we had chosen the beer capital of Europe as our destination because he is the co-founder of a brewery and had just finished a year-long break from drinking alcohol. With three children in tow, we had obviously not expected to drink the city dry, but enjoying everything Bruges has to offer adults while keeping our children happy had proved more challenging than we had anticipated. We had…

1 Show compassion Be kind to yourself and your partner, and notice how much easier it gets. Acknowledge what makes you both feel safe. You may love face-to-face communication but that may freak out your partner; try sitting or lying next to each other. Speak gently and stay relaxed. If you start feeling tense, take a few deep breaths to calm your nervous system and return you to a relaxed state. 2 Take time to listen If you know that what you are saying will be received without judgment, criticism or harsh words, you will feel a lot less tense about speaking. The role of the listener is crucial. If you are not sure how your partner would like to be listened to, ask them. If it feels uncomfortable at first,…

1 What’s a common theme in childhood stories about you? ■ Winning all the prizes at school ♥ Sorting out your siblings’ fights ◆ Being a clown and making everyone laugh ● Getting into scrapes 2 Which of these statements resonates most with you? ● Families are there to support you ♥ Families work better when everyone gets along ■ Families take a lot of organising ◆ Families are the best audience 3 At the last big family event, you were: ■ Exhausted from hosting ♥ Preoccupied about whether everyone would get on ● In trouble for being late ◆ Always keeping the conversation going 4 Your default response if you argue with anyone is to: ◆ Clear the air by turning the row into a joke ■ Take the…

•The UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP) is the leading research, innovation, educational and regulatory body working to advance psychotherapy for the benefit of all. We have a register of more than 8,000 individual members, who offer a range of therapy approaches for couples, individuals, families and groups. We also have more than 70 training and accrediting organisations for those who wish to become psychotherapists. • To find the right therapist for you, or learn how to become a therapist, visit psychotherapy.org.uk…

1 If you are constantly absorbing other people’s voices, it’s likely that you haven’t stopped to listen to your own. A better relationship with yourself can be cultivated – spend time alone and think about what you enjoy, what you think and what matters to you. 2 It’s likely that at an early age you learned that other people’s opinions mattered more than your own. It might be that you weren’t encouraged to have your own opinions, or you found that paying attention to everyone else felt safer. What do you wish a grown-up had said to you? Now that you are the adult, you can offer this advice to yourself. 3 Try to separate caring for other people from caring what they think. You can love, like, respect, tolerate…

1 Take a moment for yourself. Allow yourself time and space to process your emotions. Whether you feel the need to cry, shout or be alone, that is perfectly normal and healthy. 2 Write down and read over your emotions. Pick a time in the day to begin creating your own emotional bank of resilience following disappointment. For example, while drinking your morning cuppa, write down how you’ve been feeling and reread your notes. They will form a basis for understanding how you best move on from disappointment. 3 open up to people you trust. Share your disappointments with your close friends or family. Doing this can offer you reassurance that your feelings are normal and that you are not to blame for them. Just as importantly, opening up to…

Another month, another negative test. But instead of my usual ‘pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again’ attitude, I felt very low. I was depleted of energy, happiness and the hope that I would become a mother. A few years after our miscarriage and the ensuing vacuum of ‘unexplained infertility’, I had reached rock bottom. For the first time, I struggled to restart the monthly treadmill of trying to get pregnant, to put on my brave face and start all over again. I had lost faith and I’d lost my way; cutting myself off from friends and family, focusing solely on the baby-shaped hole in my life. It was during that darkest time that I confided in a colleague and she suggested I visit Lisa Jackson,…

● Curiosity. You know the drill. You meet someone in a social situation and something about them gets your attention. You want to get to know them better. ● Exploration. This happens as you spend time together expanding on that initial attraction. This phase can feel like dating – a flurry of excited texts and a buzz when you think about being in each other’s company, unpicking your shared values and interests. ● Familiarity develops when there’s an understanding between fledgling friends – you are doing activities together and hanging out, simply enjoying each another. ● Vulnerability comes from trust. The more comfortable we feel with another person, the more likely we are to show the sides of ourselves we might usually reserve for loved ones. ● Intimacy is the…

You won’t see it splashed across social media but, behind every closed door, everyone you know is dealing with issues arising from difficult family relationships. From the sibling who always has to outdo you, to that disrespectful teenager who shouts and swears, or the parent who can shatter your self-esteem with one misplaced remark, there are few of us who don’t have at least one relationship that could be improved. But family ties are strong, so we keep circling back to the people who share our DNA. Little wonder, really. We all want to get on well with our families, and not doing so is detrimental to our mental health. A recent study* found a link between depression in women and their relationships with their siblings and mothers. Even as…

There’s no doubt it’s tougher to have political conversations these days without things degenerating into a row. Social media, although not the sole cause, provides such a surplus of information, true and false, that people can find confirmation for anything they believe; while tech firms just want users to stay hooked – which means keeping them outraged. The same forces make it seem as if other people are always to blame. It’s as if we’re all viewing the world through different coloured glasses – pink, green, blue – but, because yours are purple, you’re sure the world really is purple; you’re reasonable and everyone else is wrong. Is it a tribal display? To improve things – and to avoid contributing to the anger in the world – we need to…

I AM DRAWN TO the deeper conversations in life, so it’s no surprise that I trained to be a therapist. Something profound happens when we speak honestly and share our vulnerabilities, hopes, stories and dreams. Moving around the world with my family as a child gave me a sense of being ‘other’. I became observant, interested in identity and how we find a sense of belonging. I am fascinated by dissimilarity and how we can learn to accept and celebrate our own differences and those of others. My career in marketing was creative and social but didn’t hold long-term appeal. In 2001, when a friend waxed lyrical about her therapy training, I was inspired to enrol. My study was transformational and its emphasis on authenticity and acceptance resonated. I have…

“Be kinder to yourself And then let your kindness flood the world” Pema Chödrön is our favourite wise woman. Beloved Buddhist teacher, author, nun and mother, she has inspired millions of people around the world who have been touched by her example and message of practising peace in these turbulent times. The Pema Chödrön Foundation is dedicated to preserving and sharing Pema’s inspiration and teachings in order that they might help us all awaken wisdom and compassion in ourselves and the world around us. pemachodronfoundation.org To buy her books, go to shambhala.com; bookdepository.com; betterworldbooks.com…