Innholdsfortegnelse for March 2022 i Viz

Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841 Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ letters@viz.co.uk ⁕ PAGE 3 girl Samantha Fox’s song Touch Me (I Want Your Body) is nonsense. “Touch me, touch me. I wanna feel your body” she sings. Well, if she wants to feel a body, she should be the toucher, not the touchee. “Touch me, touch me. I wanna feel your finger,” would more accurately describe her desires in these circumstances. I would respectfully suggest that Ms. Fox doesn’t give up the day job of exposing her funbags at cameras. Greg Giani, Shrewsbury ⁕ WHY ARE small things measured by comparison to a human hair? – this wire is the thickness of a human hair, or that spider’s silk is one tenth the thickness of a human hair. Surely there are…

SAVE 13% Receive your first 3 issues for £3 on a no-obligation trial basis. If you find you simply can’t live without your fix of adult humour, your subscription means you pay as little as £3.39 an issue, instead of £3.90 in the shops. You’ll also receive a FREE Limited Edition mug as a welcome gift! CALL 0330 333 9492 OR VISIT: dennismags.co.uk/viz QUOTING CODE: P312 Calls to 03 numbers are charged at your standard local rate. Gift limited to the first 100 subscribers only. Please allow 28 days for gift delivery.…

Winner: Steve Willis, Stalybridge Runners-up: Mal Peterson, Co.Meath Niamh O’Sullivan, Co.Cork Steve Simms, Beds Marlon Cameron, Surrey Marcus Evans, Portishead. ISSUE 312 SOLUTION An Aluminium Water Bottle* for the first Craptic Crossword Competition entrant to be drawn out of the hat!** *Bottle not prefilled with water. **The ‘hat’ the winner is drawn out of may not be a wearable, or actual, hat. Send your entry to: Craptic Crossword 313, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ, or email a photo of it to letters@viz.co.uk with ‘Craptic Crossword’ as the subject The first correct entry out of the hat on MONDAY 21st FEBRUARY will win a VIZ COMIC ALUMINIUM WATER BOTTLE, a VIZ CHEAP PEN and a CHEQUE for £50.00. The next 5 entries win the water bottle and pen, but not the money. If you…

BRITAIN’S exit from the European Union has hit UK imports and exports badly, as HGV drivers trying to leave or enter the country find themselves mired in endless red tape. But the massive jams on the roads leading to our ports have led to an unexpected profits boost for soft drink manufacturers, as desperate truckers clamour to find something to piss in while they queue. “Sales of bottled soft drinks at motorway services have seen a substantial increase since we left the EU,” said UK Retail Industry spokesman Sir Brampton Ferrybridge. “Irn Bru, Lucozade Sport and Dr Pepper are just a few of the great British brands that are coining it in thanks to HGV drivers needing emergency urine receptacles whilst stuck for hours in their cabs waiting for customs…

HAD HE lived, mythical 70s and 80s playground porn legend King Dong would have been 70 this year, or possibly even 80. In fact, depending on which website you go on, he may even still be alive. Regardless, he touched many of our lives and to mark of these two potential milestones and also possibly his death, you’ve been sending in your playground rumours about him. …IN 1978, a mate’s brother reckoned King Dong’s cock was 3 foot long and that he’d pass out if he got a hard on, so all his scenes were done using a rubber nob. Brian, Leeds IN 1983, a rumour started at school that King Dong was our geography teacher’s brother. We all drew cocks on our homework asking our teacher to get his…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk ambient drop 1. n. In daytime TV quiz Tipping Point, counters that fall into the win zone between rounds and are then “voided from the machine”. 2. n. Breaking cover inadvertently whilst going about your daily business. ‘Sorry vicar. That was an ambient drop. Start again from “Through this holy anointing…”.’ anvil tipper n. A tumescent cock of such magnitude that it could upend a blacksmith’s percussive working surface. Belgian letterbox n. A backdoor aperture that typically gets rattled by the postman early in the day. birthmark n. A sepia smudge clinging tenaciously to the side of the chodbin after flushing which signifies the recent arrival of a newly born arse baby. blandersnatch n. A mingepiece that has been fannicured to resemble a Barbie part; one that is devoid of uniqueness, personality and gorilla…

From the publishers of Build Your Own Coffin Build Your Own Coffin and The Porcelain Classic BBC Newsreader Collection The Porcelain Classic BBC Newsreader Collection DeAgadooni present a NEW weekly magazine Each year, publishers release dozens of partwork magazines onto the shelves of Britain’s newsagents. Covering a whole range of diverse topics and projects – anything from constructing a model ship or building up a Warhammer army to collecting Cordon Bleu cookery cards – these weekly editions build into definitive collections of magazines on many subjects. Or do they? Because many of them simply vanish from the shops without trace after issue 6, lost to the warehouse of time. Now, a BRAND NEW partwork from DeAgadooni brings these lost partworks back to the shelves for you to enjoy once again…

No. 313 Across 1 See 28 4 Hollywood star’s red or white tart fuel? (3,6) 10 Not very good balls (8) 11 Relative and little boy fucked (6) 12 Diamond-cutting boner taking piss in front of tree (6,3,4) 16 Spongle one pound, kilo secured by bottle tops (6,4) 20 Scottish island partial to fornication, allegedly (4) 21 See 23 22 What, for Catherine Deneuve, gets gobbled in report (10) 23/21 What might Sid say to make Sid’s hot tool fatter? (4,3,3,3,4) 28/1 Viz chap groaned, jerking off on tits (6,5) 30 Around cunt’s flanges, perform cumulonimbus for postgraduate (8) 32 Up to the maker’s nameplate, screwing speeds up to impress daughter (5,4) 33 See 27 Down Down 2 Two-fingered shuffle in fox, outstanding (3) 3 A German organ’s erect -…