Innholdsfortegnelse for May 2021 i Viz

RECENT revelations in your comic about Louis Theroux’s behaviour certainly resonated with me. I had a dream in which I was waiting for Louis to show up for a meeting. There was a plate of biscuits on the table and every time I went to take one, I was told to ‘wait for Louis’. When Theroux finally arrived, he refused to apologise and went straight for the plate of biscuits, ensuring that they were out of my reach. He only put the plate back into the middle of the table after he had taken the Bournvilles and Jammie Dodgers. People say that he comes across as charming and naïve, but I found him to be a very rude and self-centred man. Roy Sauce, Steeple Bumpleigh 2000 YEARS ago, the ancient…

FORGET candlelit dinners for two, weekends in Paris or bunches of flowers from the 24-hour garage – if you want to win a woman’s heart, take her hunting! Because according to one scientist, nothing is more guaranteed to send a woman weak at the knees than the sight of a man in full hunting pink, riding with a pack of hounds. “When a woman sees a man chasing after a fox, she desires him sexually. And there is nothing she can do about it,” says Dr Trimble Bowes-Lyon, head of the Royal Agricultural University’s Hunting research group. “These desires are hard-wired into women’s brains.” “We have done experiments where we have taken three hunky male models dressed as a hunstman, a fireman and that Richard Gere Officer and a Gentleman…

REPORTS say that Cornwall2 will be identical in every way to the original county… except that it will be a mirror image! Anyone who has never been to Britain’s southernmost county will not notice anything different in the new version. But for those familiar with Cornwall, Cornwall2 will seem a strange, Alice Through the Looking Glass-style world where nothing is quite the way it seems, where left is right, and vice versa. We’ve taken pictures of some of the county’s most famous landmarks and using computer technology, altered them to show you what they will look like in Cornwall2.…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk album track n. A workmanlike and thoroughly unmemorable J Arthur of approximately four minutes’duration. arsehole survivor n. That single small tod that floats around, hanging on and defying further flushes in the hope of rescue by a passing helicopter, after all its mates have been sent to the beach. ball control 1. n. In football, skillful footwork in the style of Lionel Messi, Eden Hazard or Danny Mills. 2. n. A gent’s ability to withhold his seed and delay his pop shot. ‘Say what you like about George Best, he had great ball control.’ ballsamic dressing n. A warm, creamy condiment splashed across vertical bacon sandwiches, badly packed kebabs, gorilla salads, chocolate starfish, chest fruit, and Piers Morgan’s canteen lunch. binterfering n. When some Doris sticks her nose in unnecessarily. bog origami n. The ancient…

Has ever a day gone by when you haven’t wondered how much your life is worth, compared with that of your friends? Well, you can now put those thoughts to bed thanks to… “I’m a Doctor and yesterday I had to decide on whether to save the life of a 5’ 8”, long sighted, 57-year-old man who was a stone overweight, or a 5’ 10”, slightly deaf, 52-year-old woman, who was quite attractive, but with a bit of a dodgy haircut. Normally this decision would have to go before a committee of consultants, but with my Lord Sumption Life Value Calculator I was able to make that decision myself, and the woman lived.” Dr Eric Stethoscope “I’m a High Court Judge, and it breaks my heart to give full life…

IT’S NOW 16 years since killjoy politicians voted to BAN one of the most popular sports in Britain. And in that time, nobody – be they a Lord of the manor or a humble man in the street – has been allowed to saddle up their horses, call their hounds to heel and ride across their estate in pursuit of a fox. And we are all the poorer for it. But all is not lost. The vagaries of the British legal system mean that the law is peppered with inconsistencies. If you know what you are doing, these can be exploited to allow you and your friends – be they landed gentry or factory workers living Gateshead – to pursue this time-honoured tradition. Here, Viz lawyer QUERCUS PETRAEA gives a…

MANY NAMES have been put in the frame to replace Daniel Craig as the next James Bond – Tom Hardy, James Norton and Idris Elba to name but a few. But the one which stands out as the hot favourite is none other than the late SIR ROGER MOORE, who is tipped to re-don the superspy’s tuxedo after a 35-year hiatus. The much-loved actor played the British secret agent seven times, and was last seen dangling from the Golden Gate Bridge while battling with super-villain Christopher Walken in the 1985 thrill-fest A View to a Kill, before passing his 007 licence to Timothy Dalton for 1987’s The Living Daylights. Other actors have taken on the role since, portraying Bond variously as brooding, gritty and suave. But many fans have longed…

IT’S EVERYONE’S dream to take a gun and kill a large wild beast. The thrill of seeing a fully grown white rhinoceros in mid-charge drop to its knees as your rifle cracks from the safety of a reinforced Toyota Landcruiser is one we would all savour. And the stars are no different. But in this age of ‘wokeness’ and social media, killing a wild animal for sport could well be a career-ender for any celebrity. Photographs of the star sitting grinning behind their lifeless quarry would quickly circulate on Twitter, and before long, contracts would be cancelled, shows pulled, and the unlucky celeb ‘flamed’. So we asked ten top stars which animal they would hypothetically like to kill, and what method they would use, if it wouldn’t mean instant career…

EVERYONE loves a Cornish cream tea – a scone served with the jam under the cream. And a whole new county could instantly double demand for the traditional overpriced delicacy, turning south-west scone, cream and jam manufacturers into overnight billionaires. As holidaymakers prepare to flock to the brand new county in their thousands, bakers and tea-room proprietors could be set to cash-in big. That’s according to Dragons Den business guru Deborah Meaden, who says that if it plays its cards right, the New Cornish Riviera may well be about to experience a cream tea boom that will make the Stock Market ‘Big Bang’ of 1983 pale into insignificance. “Horribly overpriced cream teas with the jam under the cream are a staple of the traditional Cornish tourism economy,” she told us.…

FOR MONTHS, a pandemic has been rampaging through our green and pleasant land; a vile and merciless plague that destroys lives, wrecks businesses and rents families in twain. A plague of WOKENESS. A dangerous, mutant strain of political correctness, ‘wokeness’ can infect anyone – man, woman or child – stripping them of their Great British Values and transforming them into a dead-eyed Marxist replicant whose sole aim in life is to dismantle centuries-old traditions such as sexism, racism and homophobia. Despite the heroic actions of free-thinking firebrands such as ANDREW NEIL, SARAH VINE and IAN BROWN out of the Stone Roses, the Wokerati ‘Thought Police’ continue to burrow deeper and deeper into British society, spreading their sinister Orwellian tentacles through every nook and cranny of our lives. And no one…

WHEN I heard the news that Murray Walker - the voice of Formula 1 motor racing - had made his final pit-stop and retired from the race (died) at the age of subs fill in age here, I am not ashamed to admit that I shed a tear. I cried for the young boy inside me who had thrilled to Murray Walker’s Formula 1 motor racing commentaries every Sunday of my childhood since time in memorial. I wept for the man I am today, of whom Murray Walker’s Formula 1 motor racing commentaries have filled every Sunday of my adulthood and beyond. And yes, I (subs another word for cried here) for those not yet born, who will never get the chance to grow up with Murray Walker’s thrilling Formula…