Innholdsfortegnelse for February 2021 i Viz

FOOTBALL manager Roy Hodgson has expressed his anger at movie producers after being cast as the lead in an American teen comedy without his knowledge. Now the Crystal Palace boss fears the mix-up could scupper his team’s chances of pushing for a European place in the 2021-22 season. Hodgson had been preparing for the new season with the goal of the Eagles finishing in the top of the table. But he now fears the proposed shooting schedule for Soda Pop Summer 3 in the spring will clash with the middle part of his Premiership campaign, throwing his plans into disarray. quarterback And despite putting on a brave face, the Palace boss was furious that he has been cast as the movie’s hero, high-school quarterback Buck Carmichael, without his consent. “It’s…

SINCE TAKING up residence at number 11 Downing Street a year ago, Chancellor of the Exchequer RISHI SUNAK has got Britain’s ladies’ interest rates soaring. The true blue First Lord of the Treasury may be small in stature, but he’s got a pound or two in his pocket that any red-blooded girl would love to get her hands on. We see him every day on the news, serving pizzas and borrowing hundreds of billions to pay for Brexit, but what’s this dishy budget bombshell really like when he’s not acting the giddy goat for the telly cameras? Believe it or not, the secret is hidden in plain sight, woven into the very letters that make up his name. R is for RABBITS As a child, Rishi used to supplement his…

WE all love the time-honoured tradition of New Year’s Resolutions. Every January 1st, each of us makes a solemn vow to take up something new, to give up something unhealthy, or to achieve some long-intended goal. But what you probably didn’t know is that the Resolution YOU make at the beginning of each New Year says EVERYTHING THERE IS TO SAY about why you are unable to sexually satisfy your spouse! That’s according to small screen egghead DR RAJ PERSAUD, who still occasionally gets on the telly. Says Dr Raj: “If you’re after concrete proof of why you have never once brought your wife to climax, you need look no further than the New Year’s Resolution you plan on making this January.” Here, Dr Raj examines a few of the…

2020 WILL be remembered as the year that Covid-19 brought death and misery to the entire planet. In Britain, the virus killed thousands, and as infection rates rose, we seemed powerless to stop it. But just as things looked really bleak, scientists around the world have produced a series of vaccines to destroy the pathogen. With up to 95% efficacy, these miracles of medicine look set to stop the disease in its tracks, potentially saving millions of lives globally. But are they a good thing? Whilst doctors, virologists, geneticists and epidemiologists say they could mark the turning point in our fight against Covid, some people on the internet and Jeremy Corbyn’s brother think otherwise. So would YOU have the Covid-19 vaccine when offered it, or are you yet to be…

EXCLUSIVE! AN EAST COAST odd-job man has been left thousands of pounds out of pocket after falling victim to a heartless computer con. And to make matters even worse, the incident saw the scammers get away scot free and the victim taken to court, charged, and placed on the Sex Offenders Register. 52-year-old Hilton Fishbits of Bridlington is now launching a campaign to warn other internet users of the hidden dangers lurking online in the hope that they don’t fall into the same trap. “I’d been working for the council, but I was given the tin tack in October,” Fishbits told the Bridlington Oxter and Lisk. “So I was spending all day online in my bedsit, looking for jobs, and also some other things.” “My work at the town hall…

Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841 Whitley bay, NE26 9EQ letters@viz.co.uk ■ HAVE ANY of your readers ever been bitten on the arse off a snake? George Dirtcrumbs, Tring * Well, we have a lot of readers, Mr Dirtcrumbs, so it’s entirely possible that one or more of them have been bitten on the arse off a snake. The only way to find out is to do a poll. Could all our readers fill in the attached form, and send it, along with a £1 administration fee, and send it to: Viz Comic Arse Snakebite Survey, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ. ■ YOU KNOW how your own farts smell much nicer than other people’s farts? Well, if you fart and then forget you farted, does it smell horrible because…

LOOKING like Tony Blair is a problem that few of us face. Indeed, only a handful of people in the country may be mistaken on a regular basis for the former Prime Minister, getting constantly stopped in the street and asked for their autograph, or having eggs thrown at them whilst being called a war criminal. But, for those few people, the problem of resembling the mad-eyed ex-Premier is very real. If you look like Tony Blair, don’t worry, because help is at hand. Here, Viz life coach Braxton Hicks gives you a few tips on how to make 2021 the year when you look less like the New Labour PM. 1 WEAR A HAT BORN in 1953, Tony Blair is a Baby Boomer, a member of the first generation…

No. 302 Across 7 Anus parking behind steamer carrying first of holidaymakers (4,4) 9 1 down container (6) 11 Come down on floppy thing when it gets dark (9) 12 Sphincter pinches willy on the end (5) 13/26 Get a boner under the bedclothes: obvious concealing something to scratch (5,1,4) 15 Prince always guzzling Anus (5) 18 Nose jiggling against sexy, sizzling cleaner? (3,4) 19 Fatal tug after buggering (not entirely) to blame (2,5) 20 Grumble flick starts to play, and Oswald reaches ninth orgasm (5) 21 Ace dicky spooge in tube some way beyond rectum (6) 24 Point poking Eleanor, thistly (5) 25 Sign penis initially out, aargh, yucky! (9) 27 Lovely selection of cocks up ‘er bum (6) 28 A blot on a horribly hideous military forfeit (4,4)…

EXCLUSIVE! BUCKINGHAM Palace stunned the world’s press this week when they announced that Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, has never eaten an orange. In the statement, the Prince, who is second in line to the throne, said he has at no time in his life eaten one of the chromatically named fruits, although he stressed that he was well aware that they were extremely popular. He went on to express his gratitude to greengrocers across the country for providing oranges for people who did enjoy them. ironic “It is rather ironic that the Duke has never eaten an orange when you consider that King William III like them so much that he named himself Willam of Orange after them,” said BBC Royal Correspondent Nicholas Witchell, who Prince Charles once called…