Innholdsfortegnelse for May 2020 i Viz

􏿼THE PRESS is making a big deal out of Priti Patel’s so-called ‘bullying’, but I reckon she went to a good school so it would probably be a different class of bullying – perhaps being made to toast crumpets for her, or warm her lavatory seat. I doubt her bullying has left any civil servants walking around Whitehall with their pants pulled halfway up their arse crack. Gideon Kerplunk-Smythe, Uncheval 􏿼SOMETHING happened to me in the bathroom the other morning, something so unspeakably vile and embarrassing that I can barely bring myself to share it. I wonder if any other readers have wiped their arse after a catastrophic shite, thrown the discarded paper and missed the bowl, then bent down to retrieve it and left a giant skidmark on their…

WE’VE all wondered what it would be like to be Tim For A Day, and anyone who says they haven’t is either lying or already called Tim. But with so many Tims to choose from, which Tim would YOU choose to be if YOU could spend 24 hours as a Tim? We approached four of our favourite A-List celebs and asked them one simple question: “Which Tim would YOU be, and what would you do if you got the chance to be that particular Tim For A Day?” BEYONCÉ, international pop icon I’M A MASSIVE Blackburn Rovers fan – cut me and I bleed blue and white – so if I could be any Tim For A Day, I’d be former Riversiders captain TIM SHERWOOD. As soon as I woke…

TODAY: The south of England will see patches of Action Jackson this morning, becoming Chubbs Peterson from Happy Gilmore by the afternoon. In the Midlands, Apollo Creed out of Rockys I, II and IV will sweep in around lunchtime, spreading all the way over to wales to become Taxi cab Driver from The Four Deuces overnight. The north of England and Scotland may see scattered areas of George “Sundog” Brown from Death Hunt, but they should clear up by mid-afternoon to make way for a lengthy spell of Colonel Al Dillon off of Predator. OUTLOOK: Al Dillon and Apollo Creed everywhere tomorrow, with a few low-pressure areas of Billy “Hurricane”Smith from Hurricane Smith creeping in. THREE DAY OUTLOOK: Saturday: Apollo Creed across Wales and the south west, Hambone from Bucktown in the…

NOW that the Coronavirus is so fashionable, you can probably get a great deal on Zika, or even Ebola. It pays to shop around nowadays if you don’t need the ‘in’ thing. Selwyn de l’Arse, Hampton FLOODS. Storms. Coronavirus. Now I hear that Genesis are reuniting. When will the horror end? TC. Rusling, Cottingham WITH reference to TC Rusling’s letter (above), the news that Mike Rutherford and Tony Banks have set aside their differences with Britain’s premier slap-headed twat Phil Collins to put Genesis back together prompts the question as to whether Peter Gabriel will now rejoin the band after all these years. However, if this is not feasible, I can think of no better qualified person to take up the mantle than former Leeds United and Scotland frontman, Arthur…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk alert all commands, deploy the fleet! 1. exclam. Catch-all order issued by various disposable Imperial officers in The Empire Strikes Back. 2. n. An amusing vocalised overture performed immediately prior to the delivery of a noisy Chewbacca’s call. awkward-on 1. n. Descriptive of socially unacceptable, maladroit tumescence in the trouser department. ‘Good Lord, what is that protruding from your breeches?’ ‘Don’t worry, it’s just my awkward-on. Keep on going with the investiture, your Majesty.’ 2. n. The uncomfortable post-ejaculatory situation whereby a fellow is is obliged, for whatever reason (eg. roommate’s unexpected return, Amazon delivery, presenting a daytime television show, etc.), to quickly pull up his strides, tuck his wood behind his belt, and carry on regardless. bog clogger n. A prodigious feeshus that prevents the efficient function of a chod hopper.…

OFFICIALS from Rotherham County Council have been left with egg on their faces after a £1.5 million investment to upgrade their railway station ended up creating anger and confusion amongst passengers. And the local mayor this week denounced the work, complaining that Rotherham Central Railway Station had been left in a far worse state than it was before. Early last year, Rotherham Metropolitan Borough Council predicted a rise in tourism due to the death of BARRY CHUCKLE, and anticipated the influx of 5 million pilgrims flocking to the late comedian’s home town. In response, it was decided to upgrade the local railway station, extending the number of platforms from two to fifteen. At the time, many Rotherham residents were critical of the plan, pointing out that only five services presently…

THE HARDEST man in the World brings you the hardest facts about the world’s softest animals! Jellyfish have probably been around for thousands of years. But scientists don’t know exactly how long because they are made from jelly, so they don’t turn into fossils like dinosaurs. The most toxic jellyfish in the world has enough poison in it to kill 500 animals the size of a rhinoceros, such as 500 hippopotamuses. Jellyfish have no bones, brain, eyes, blood, gut or nervous system. Yet according to scientists, they are still animals! You couldn’t make it up! The Portuguese Man o’ War, a floating jellyfish that looks like a Tesco’s 5p carrier bag, has legs 165ft long – that’s equivalent to 28.41 Adam Sandlers, or 27.48 Eric Stoltzes who played drug dealer Lance…

IT’S a frightening thought that we’re all at risk from the killer Coronavirus bug that is sweeping the world. But the possibility that many of our favourite STARS could also succumb to the current global pandemic is truly terrifying. Tragically, scientists believe that the virus is no respecter of fame, and the world’s top celebrities are just as at risk of contracting Covid-19 as the ordinary man or woman in the street. But whilst the rest of us are unknown, expendable, and easily replaced should we be struck down, there is no-one waiting in the wings to simply step into the shoes of the top showbiz stars, so it is imperative that they are protected. We spoke to doctors at the World Health Organisation who suggested a few ways in…

THANKS to the recent flu pandemic affecting fruit and veg growers, fresh produce has been in short supply in recent months. And with no sign of any improvements to the currently unreliable supply chain in sight, British families are currently facing the prospect of a shortage of fresh produce. But one Doncaster allotment holder says the Coronavirus food shortages have led to a nookie bonanza for him. According to GORDON EGGBOUNDS, 58, empty supermarket shelves have meant a bumper crop of MILFs at his shed door, all eager to do whatever is necessary to keep their larders stocked with fresh produce from his allotment. “The local birds will do anything to get their hands on my fruit and veg,” Eggbounds told his local newspaper The Mexborough Infarction and Embolism. “And…

ENVIRONMENTALISTS yesterday reacted with concern to reports that a group of orangutans in the rainforests of Borneo has started FRACKING. Residents in the island’s southern town of Pelaihari, one of the last remaining strongholds of the endangered apes, noticed what appeared to be a construction site among trees early last week. Locals reported seeing the orange-coloured simians felling large trees and stripping them of their branches in order use them as beams in a primitive drilling rig. plant “It happened so quickly,” said local farmer Eric Chia. “One minute the apes were lounging round in the canopy, masturbating and throwing their shit at each other as usual, the next they’d built a working shale gas extraction plant.” Mobile phone footage taken by Chia shows the hairy primates releasing a high…

SCIENTISTS were excited this week to announce that jug-eared funnyman MARTIN CLUNES may in fact be the next element to make an appearance in the Periodic Table of Elements. The scientific chart, originally produced in 1869 by Russian chemist Dimitri Mendeleev, categorises all of the atomic building blocks which make up the fabric of our universe. Since its conception, scientists have added to the table as new elements have been discovered and classified according to their properties, and it is thought that the Doc Martin actor is set to be the latest addition. tissue Clunes, 58, recently went to his GP for a routine checkup, during which a small section of tissue removed from a small mole on his neck was sent to a laboratory in the east Midlands. The…

A GROUP of scientists from Imperial College yesterday announced an ambitious plan to inject a miniaturised SU POLLARD into the body of comedian GRIFF RHYS-JONES. Group leader Professor Dinesh Bhugra said it would be difficult, but he was confident the venture stood a reasonable chance of success. “Make no mistake, this is an experiment at the very edge of our capabilities,” he told reporters. “Miniaturising Su Pollard off Hi-Di-Hi! will be hard enough, but then injecting her into Griff Rhys Jones increases the difficulty exponentially.” When asked what ailment Rhys Jones was suffering from, and how Pollard’s minuscule presence in his body would counteract it, Professor Bhugra was adamant. “As far as we know, Griff is perfectly healthy,” he said. “And with the best will in the world, I’m not…