Innholdsfortegnelse for March 2020 i Viz

WHY is it that whenever we see James Bond in a casino he is always at a card table, playing for high stakes against his nemesis? Doesn’t he ever fancy having a go on the slot machines for a change? For starters, he wouldn’t have to get all dressed up, and he would be less likely to piss off some super-villain and get his bollocks burnt off with a laser beam. Unless Mr Blofeld or whoever had been shovelling money into the bandit all night, only for Bond to drop the jackpot on his first pull. Hector Dolittle, Godalming ONE of my goldfish has an uncrimped turd twice his own body length trailing from his arse. In human terms, that’s the equivalent of roughly 12 feet of continuous shit being…

WE all love Valentine's Day, and celebrities called Alan – or some variation on Alan – are presumably no different. We phoned our four favourite A-List Alans to ask them one simple question: What was YOUR most memorable Valentine's Day? ALAN DAVIES LUG-MUNCHING FUNNYMAN I’M KNOWN for my alleged love of ear chomping, so my most memorable Valentine’s was a few years back, when the wife surprised me with a slap-up, aural-organ-based romantic dinner for two! We went to Heston Blumenthal’s wacky ‘Fat Duck’ restaurant, where Heston had prepared us a sumptuously lug-centric set menu. We had cheetah ear lobe soup to start, followed by dolphin pinna casserole and elephant lug cheesecake for pud. Then it was straight back home for a bit of telly and penetrative sex. That evening…

SO Harry and Meghan are turning their backs on Britain and scuttling off to the other side of the Atlantic. Well, I say GOOD! After all we’ve done for them, this is how they say thank-you, is it? Let’s hope they go to the West coast, so they’re a little bit further away from the rest of us. I for one am glad that we’re finally seeing the back of this vile couple. Especially her. Let’s face it, Meghan never really fulfilled the criteria of what we British people demand from our Princesses. She was American. She was Catholic. She was a divorcee. And she was some other things. And don’t let her sob-story about right wing press intrusion fool you into feeling the slightest shred of sympathy for her.…

allotment pie 1.n. A rather bland-sounding dish of garden vegetables, slugs and compost, that was slightly more popular than the Blitz. 2. n. A hard-to-digest and past-its-sell-by-date haddock pastie found mouldering in the midst of Arthur Fowler’s allotment. bird scarer 1. n. A visual or audible device designed to deter avian creatures from congregating at airports or agricultural areas. 2. n.A copper’s torch of sufficient magnitude as to alarm a conventionally fannied female, eg. The one belonging to the former MP for Ealing North Stephen Pound. A bride frightener. Also Scots. Boaby dazzler. bollocks, do one’s 1. v. To spend all one’s money on something. ‘I done my bollocks on the fucking gee-gees on Saturday, your Holiness. ’ 2. v. To knock oneself out. ‘ I done my bollocks loading…

POSTIES and couriers. When delivering a parcel, please give ample time for the recipient to wipe their arse and get down the stairs. John Elton, email ADD water to cheese to create delicious, chewable milk. Glen Hattersley, Stockport CREATE your own thick-sliced bread by supergluing two pieces from a medium-sliced loaf together. Michael Thompson, North Wales SOAP directors. Encourage actors to break wind as and when they need to during takes, especially when they ’re doing scenes by themselves. This will add an element of realism to proceedings that no over-the-top slanging match or pub-barring ever could. Prince Asbo, Canterbury CONVINCE colleagues that you’re David Tennant by doing a little grimace at moments of high drama at work. TILLY Turner, Salford INCREASE the fun at family gatherings by putting a…

IT SEEMS that Viz readers are terrified of being attacked by lions, and you’ve been writing in your hundreds to tell us all about it. Here are a selection of the best letters we’ve received. EVER since I saw the film Born Free as a little girl, I’ve been terrified of being ate off a lion. Consequently, I avoid all places where I might come into contact with them, such as zoos, safari parks and African savannahs. Edith Creamhorn, Bude I’VE been attacked by lions twice – once when one escaped from a zoo that I was visiting, and again when my car broke down in a safari park and I foolishly got out and started tinkering under the bonnet whilst eating a sausage sandwich. Frank Underwear, Luton ALTHOUGH extremely…

MUSIC fans who attended the Isle of Man Festival have been left fuming and demanding their money back after Bernie Gastap, lead singer of rock band The Quacks, consistently went quiet during the chorus of the band’s hit song. The silence meant that festivalgoers, some of whom had paid hundreds of pounds for tickets, were forced to sing the chorus themselves whilst Gastap watched, smirking and holding his microphone out to the audience. Pop fan Danielle Harp, 22, who stumped up £350 for her weekend ticket plus hundreds more to travel from London to see the band, was left unimpressed. “I stood through an hour of them playing dross from their new album before they finally got to their one hit single from 1977, Onion Lady,” she told NME. “The…

ADERBYSHIRE man has sent an official complaint to National Lottery organisers Camelot after the incorrect lottery numbers came out of the machine for the 4000th consecutive time. Harold Buttocks, 62, said that he watched the draw on Saturday evening and was left fuming that the wrong numbers were once again selected, whilst the balls with the numbers he had chosen were left tumbling around the machine. “I mean, how hard can it be,” screamed the former gas fitter from Mickleover. “I choose the correct numbers every Saturday morning and they are clearly the numbers that should come out. It makes absolutely no sense that they don’t.” Buttocks, who spends around £200 on lottery tickets and scratchcards each week, says he has a foolproof way of choosing the winning numbers, but…

TODAY: The south east of England will see scattered areas of Brooking this morning, becoming McDonald by the afternoon. Across the midlands, expect dense patches of Nunn and Noah, moving over into teast Anglia to become Francis later. In Scotland and the northern England, mainly Eve with a brief spell of Bannister off of ‘Are You Being Served?’ overnight. OUTLOOK: Mainly McDonald and Francis across the UK, with a few low-pressure areas of Nelson and Brooking breaking through on Sunday. THREE DAY OUTLOOK: Saturday: Sinclair over Wales and the south west, patches of Eve in the north. Sunday: Mainly Brooking, becoming Trevor off of Trevor & Simon later. Monday: Nunn sweeping in from the south east.…

THE WORLD was rocked last month by Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s announcement that they plan to retire from royal life and earn their own living across the Atlantic. The selfish pair’s spiteful broadside, timed to spoil the 38th birthday celebrations of the wonderfully British Duchess of Cambridge, reportedly broke the Queen’s heart. The 93-year-old monarch, who has selflessly sat on the throne for nearly six decades, was consumed with grief after her ungrateful grandson and his American divorcee wife decided to sever all ties with the UK monarchy and scuttle off to the US, after being “upset” by wholly reasonable press coverage of their disgraceful and shameless lifestyle. According to their announcement, Harry and Meghan intend to make their own way in the world, working to earn their livings…

LAST year, when Greggs launched their vegan sausage roll, I ate one of them on my extremely popular TVAM show, and I vomited on air. That’s how bad it was to not be eating meat. But it now it seems that Greggs are not content with making me throw up once. They are determined to do it again, and to do so they have launched a “steak bake” with no steak in it! As I said to Mats Wilander (the famous tennis professional who won seven Grand Slams in the Singles, and a Doubles Grand Slam with Joakim Nystrom - who isn’t very well known so I don’t count him amongst my close, personal friends) the other night at the Noma restaurant in Copenhagen (where I can get a seat…

Why Mr Derek was the True Basil Brush Sidekick of Hearts WHEN my editor rang me up and broke the tragic news that Basil Brush’s Mr Derek had died, I wept. When he told me I had just half an hour to churn out 500 words about him, I wept and I wept and I wept. And I am not ashamed to admit that I shed those tears about the sad passing of Derek (subs look up surname) at the age of just (subs look up how old when died). All of us who grew up in the past remember him as the man who sat beside Basil Brush. The man who tried to read stories to Basil Brush. And yes, as the man who loved Basil Brush. However, there…

THE World Wrestling Federation yesterday TRASH-TALKED giant pandas, slamming the shy, bamboo-chomping bears and challenging them to a no-holds-barred Wrestlemania Smackdown Rumble. Speaking on Radio 4’s Today programme, WWF spokesman Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake said: “We’re tired of these coward-assed bears with their grandstanding and their hot-dogging and their showboating. It’s time to see what they can do in the Wrestlemania ring with the boss man.” “I’ll take their dreams and I’ll twist them, and I’ll bend them, and I’ll turn them into a nightmare,” he continued. placid And Beefcake was joined in his taunting of pandas by 4-times WWF Wrestlemania Champion Triple H, who had this message for the placid mammals. “You and me, in front of a primetime WWF audience. Come on. Let’s do it.” “I’ll break your…