Innholdsfortegnelse for October 2019 i Viz

A PAPAL edict could see the much-loved cracker Mini Cheddars being used in the holy communion service as early as next year. The move is seen as part of Pope Francis’s programme of updating the Roman Catholic Church’s canonical law to make it ‘fit for purpose’ for the 21st century. The move follows the extraordinary summit of bishops convened in the Vatican earlier this year, where the 82-year-old Christ’s representative on earth decided to ‘open the doors’ of the church to appeal to new members of the flock and expand its estimated 1.3 billion client base. An historic worldwide Eucharist deal is believed to have been secured with Mini Cheddars after parent company Jacobs beat off stiff competition from a lucrative rival bid by Dairy Lea Lunchables. heavy “It was…

MYLEENE KLASS has always been dubbed a ‘Klass act’ by journalists, not only because she has an arse you can bounce a pound coin off, but because she is always well presented and dedicates so much of her time to charity. But a few people who have crossed paths with the former Hear’Say songstress take a different view… SPOTTED! I WAS just pulling out of a treacherous blind junction at the end of my street when a driver in a Peugeot 308 coming the other way flashed me to let me out. I couldn’t believe it when I saw it was none other than Myleene Klass. She obviously thinks she owns the fucking roads, directing traffic like lady muck. Klass act? My arse. A. Trotman, Torquay SPOTTED! I SAW Myleene…

NEW Prime Minister Boris Johnson committed ‘a serious breach of royal protocol’ after he attempted to shag the Queen during their first meeting, according to palace insiders. An un-named source told that reporters that when Her Majesty offered her hand for the new Prime Minister to kiss, the fanny-hungry PM misinterpreted it as a sexual advance and removed his trousers. hungry “It is true that there was a minor faux pas during the meeting in which Her Majesty asked Mr Johnson to form a Government,” confirmed a spokesperson for the Royal Family. “A small misunderstanding resulted in the prime minister removing his trousers in front of the Queen. But Her Majesty is an unflappable monarch, and she simply made small talk with Mr Johnson whilst looking out of the window.”…

IT’S THE HBO smash that introduced the world to Tony, Paulie, Sylvio and the gang. It’s The Sopranos, and back in the 2000s we couldn’t get enough of this true-to-life portrayal of a mafia man, his wiseguy paisans and his intolerable family. Over six series, including one that was split in half so it was actually more like seven, the New Jersey crew’s antics had us screaming for gabagool and wishing we could have a go on a real gun. But, despite the show’s popularity, there are a few things even the most mob-keen viewer might have missed. So, grab your goomah (mistress) and a cold slice of proshute (ham), and educate yourself about this thing of ours. 1 JERSEY born actor James Gandolfini was not the director’s first choice…

UNCERTAINTY over the nature of Britain’s Hallowe’en exit from the European Union has been a cause of great concern for many people. Individuals, organisations and businesses throughout the country have expressed their frustration over the lack of detail which has left them unable to plan for the future. But the biggest uncertainty has been suffered by the millennial generation. Fragile, easily offended and unable to comprehend anything unless it involves the internet, these late teens and twenty-somethings have found themselves disproportionately affected by this whole sorry mess. mess “So, I’ve got this app, and according to that I have, like, a gluten intolerance?” explained millennial Jessie Cavalry, her voice going up at the end so it sounded like a question. “So, you know, I’m concerned that Brexit might be a…

I’VE just read that 20 Prime Ministers went to Eton School. My kids go to a real rough as fuck comp, and I doubt anyone going there is ever going to see the inside of 10 Downing Street. They must have fantastic teachers at Eton. Does anyone know where it is, just in case we’re in the catchment area and I could move my kids over? They’d have to do free dinners for them though, because I’m on benefits. Ed Scrabbley, Driffield WHILE we were out the other day, somebody drove down our road and ran into the neighbour’s gatepost. The impact knocked the stonework off the top which fell onto our wall and knocked it over. Nobody saw the incident and the culprit didn’t stop, so it looks like…

I WILL place my nought in the bottom left corner to make three in a row and therefore take the game! Winning such a prestigious and high profile game as this will surely do my NACKERS (Noughts And Crosses Knockout European Ranking System) the world of good, possibly even place me in the number one seed. I assume it’s winner stays on? N Lawrence, Oxford * Congratulations, Nick, a very good game-winning move, worthy of a champion. And commiserations to Mr Andrews, who put up an extremely good fight and had Nick Laurence on the ropes a couple of times. We think that all Viz readers will agree that with an excellent game played in good spirits, Noughts and Crosses was the winner.…

SQUIRRELS in a Bournemouth park are trialling a ‘minimum feed’ rule on the park users in order to increase their food supply. Whereas previously, the bushy-tailed rodents would approach passers-by and cheekily accept a nut, for the coming month they will now only come down from their trees if there are three or more nuts on offer. “I suppose they thought they were working too hard for their food,” said gardener Hector Wells, who has worked in the park amongst the squirrels for nearly 40 years. “Until last week they would climb down the tree trunk looking all cute and bound in that comical way, sometimes a hundred feet over the grass in order to get one peanut. Perhaps they thought ‘it’s just not worth the effort.’” he said. “And…

ASK any upstanding British bloke to name the greatest honour that can be bestowed on him, and you’ll only get one answer: Being asked to perform the duties of a best man. There’s no more prestigious position in life than standing beside your oldest and dearest friend as he takes his first tentative steps out of bachelorhood and into a year or two of joyous marital bliss. However, while the role of best man is undoubtedly a great accolade, it’s also one of the toughest tasks around. From organising the stag do and safeguarding the rings, to writing and delivering a side-splitting speech, every item on the groomsman’s itinerary must be handled expertly to ensure that the big day goes without a hitch. And no one knows this better than…

EVERY April, the United Kingdom is forced to suffer the traditional humiliation of coming last in the Eurovision Song Contest. Since the UK’s last win in 1997, spiteful European judges, jealous of Britain’s songwriting abilities, have each year conspired together to give our entry “nul pwa.” And every year, we Brits simply laugh off our national humiliation and get on with it. But one music legend has stopped seeing the funny side and has vowed to turn our fortunes around in next year’s show. And our rivals will be laughing on the other sides of their foreign faces when none other than ex-Beatle John Lennon steps onto the stage in the Netherlands to sing the UK’s 2020 entry. solo As a member of The Beatles and as a solo artist,…

SAVE time responding to spam emails by creating a reply template with your bank account logins, passport details and a few photos of yourself wanking furiously. Jack Fisher, Ipswich QUIZ-SHOW hosts. When it’s clear that your contestants haven’t got a fucking clue what the answer is, try repeating the question several times slowly in a soft voice as the seconds tick down. The answer is bound to come to them. Hadrian Wall, email MAKE people think you’re an Amazon delivery driver by knocking aggressively at the door 8 seconds after ringing the bell. Matthew Sparks, West Midlands CUT down expensive hair salon costs by putting a saucepan on your head and cutting it yourself. If you need two hands to work the scissors, pop along to the hairdressers and ask…

Waste not want not WE ARE always being told that plastic micro-particles are getting into the food chain via the fish we eat. Most worrying though must be the question of what happens to all the plastic tits of the likes of Pamela Anderson and Jordan when they die? Reginald Molehusband, Surbiton ANSWER: Silicone Gel implants were first introduced in 1961 for reconstructive purposes, and over the years the phenomenon of upping the cup size for purely cosmetic reasons has become mainstream. Though plastic tits are often now simply a saline gel, they do explode during cremation. A shower of molten tit juice is the last thing weeping mourners expect, so generally the false knockers are removed shortly before burial and recycled Albert E, M.C. Square Event horizon GENERAL relativity…

Best Man No. 1 Wee Jimmy Krankie Dolan says: “At first glance, Scotch telly fave Jimmy has everything I’d typically look for in a best man. Despite being a 72-year-old woman, the pint-sized performer is smartly dressed in a tie and school cap, which is more than can be said for the shower of scruffy bellends who’ve served as my groomsmen over the years. She is also funny and at ease in front of a crowd. As a professional comedy legend with four decades of cabaret experience, Wee Jimmy would be odds-on to deliver a pitch-perfect best man’s speech. The gender-bending mock-schoolboy would perform a rip-roaring 10-minute routine, incorporating various embarrassing incidents from the groom’s past, and leaving everyone from small children to grandparents rolling in the aisles. However, while…

Alexa, play music by Ed Sheeran exclam. An amusing quip to make before dropping one’s guts. bare you in mind, I’ll exclam. Insincere promise made by a sexist man to an attractive woman implying that he intends to consider her for an opportunity of some sort, although he actually plans to merely imagine her in the rik. Bernd Schuster 1. n. prop. German International footballer of the 1980s, who had the distinction of playing for both Barcelona and Real Madrid. 2. n. Description of one’s back passage the morning after scarfing down a particularly spicy lamb vindaloo at (fill in the latest name of the Rupali Restaurant, Bigg Market, Newcastle upon Tyne here, if it still exists). biological cock n. Shortly before a young swain is due to get married,…