Innholdsfortegnelse for May 2019 i Viz

I LOVE Hot Cross Buns at Easter. But if they changed the name to Hot Cross Arseholes, it would put me right off them. So come on, bakers, please don’t change our buns! Alex Du Singe, Lincoln IT’S ridiculous how much these Premier League football players get paid. When I was at primary school, our matches only lasted 30 minutes and results like 12-2 and 8-6 were not uncommon; I even remember one match resulting in an impressive 23-14 victory. Those games were far better value than the boring 1-0 results you regularly get in the Premier League. Let’s start broadcasting school matches instead, and pay the kids what they are worth. Arthur Shitface, Kettering SO much for the Oscars rewarding the best actors. Every one of them who wins…

LADS. When undressing to be intimate with your partner, remove your boxers by gently sliding two fingers behind the waistband on each side, applying just enough outward force to allow them to fall to your feet in a dramatic, sexy flourish. Tom Caudwell, London OUT of fennel? Simply wrap some aniseed balls in a cabbage leaf as an effective substitute. Rick Riley, Manchester AVOID sniffing magazine cologne samples while on the toilet, as it is unlikely to deliver the base notes and subtle undertones intended by the manufacturer. Kendall Hardacre, Perth SEVERAL crabsticks glued together make an ideal high-protein, low-carb alternative to a stick of rock when you visit the seaside. Be sure to keep a red biro handy so you can write the name of the resort on the…

SHERLOCK INNING this three way contest wasn’t elementary W at all. The game was afoot, but just like on the Rickenbacker Falls, Sherlock has come a cropper good and proper. Professor Moriarty has been joined by two new arch-nemesisses, Eamonn and “Big” John. 33 EAMONN IT’S not been a “Good Morning” at all for this consummate, time-served TV time-filler. Just as he did in his 2006 autobiography This Is My Life (currently at number 1,171,919 in the Amazon bestsellers list) he has given a reasonable account of himself, but in the end Holmes is under the hammer. 26 BIG JOHN WHAM! Bam! Thank-you Ma’am! “Big” John’s the cock of the walk, and his class sticks out a mile … or at least it sticks out somewhere between 10” and 16”.…

Author! Author! exclam. Cry of approbation after a dropping of guts. beach body ready 1. adj. Of a woman, slim, toned and buff, and therefore able to venture out in her bikini without sickening other holidaymakers. 2. adj. Of a gentleman, equipped with mirrored sunglasses and therefore able to saunter down the beach while discreetly checking out the tussage. biggest balls in his bedroom, he’s got the phr. Said of keyboard warriors and chatroom moderator types. ‘Saw that tweet from your son the other day, Mrs Watson. He must be right tough.’ ‘Oh yeah, he’s got the biggest balls in his bedroom, him.’ bike shed butcher n. A popular lass who’s handled a few pounds of sausages in her time. black saffron euph. Excuse given by a chef when one…

HIS Holiness The Pope has been returned safely to the Vatican following his escape from the Apostolic Palace late last week. God’s representative on earth slipped away while being walked by a cardinal last Thursday night and had been missing for six days. “His Holiness likes to have a shit last thing at night,” said Vatican Secretary of State Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone. “We usually send Cardinal Vincenzo out with him, but he was a little under the weather, so he had to ask one of the new cardinals to go. Unfortunately, he wasn’t up to the job.” Pope Francis was last seen racing off through St Peter’s Square in pursuit of some pigeons, and led Vatican officials a merry dance in the following days, with reported sightings as far afield…

EMPTY paracetamol blister packs make ideal cryogenic freezing chambers for ants. Aspirin packaging can be used for more circular insects, such as ladybirds. Magnus Mbanu, Cambridge ALWAYS swallow chewing gum so that in the event of you sharting, your arse will blow a bubble that will contain the expelled excrement. Possibly. John Owens, Glasgow REMEMBER the year you were born by converting it to a time on the 24-hour clock and committing this time to memory. Then when you need your birth year, simply convert this time back into the normal notation. For example, if you were born in 1958, remember two minutes to eight at night. Anyone born between 1960 and 1999 should simply subtract 60 from the year they were born before converting it to a time. So…

OCEANOGRAPHERS have discovered that doomed luxury White Star liner RMS Titanic has sank … A SECOND TIME. The famous passenger liner first sank in 1912 whilst on her maiden voyage to New York, killing over 1,500 on board. And it was thought that Titanic’s final resting place had been discovered in 1985 after a US military mission off the coast of Newfoundland identified the hull 12,500 feet below the surface. But boffins exploring the sea bed in the area of the wreck yesterday discovered that a chasm had opened up in the ocean floor and the wreck had fallen down that as well. tectonic “It seems that a tectonic disturbance many miles below the sea bed caused an abyss to open up directly beneath the main section of the hull,”…

LITTLE “Vive la Viz revolution!” Jolyon Maugham QC, Twitter “Come on! Let’s stick it to the fuckers!” Brian Cox, D:REAM “It’s about time the British people stepped up to the plate and sorted out this mess. Well done Viz.” Gary Lineker, Walkers Crisps/ Match of the Day LARGE “I don’t want to blow smoke up their fundaments, but Viz will surely go down in history as the magazine  that saved Britain from this shower of shit.” James O’Brien, LBC “Where conventional politics has failed, the people under Viz Comic will surely succeed.” Angus Young, AC/DC HAYSTACKS “It’s a boon! Crush the traitors!” Mrs B., Essex “I’ve always had the utmost respect for the sovereignty of Parliament. But our politicians are failing in their duty and  enough of this shit is…

SCOUSE musician Pete Best is famous for being the ‘Fifth Beatle’ – the Fab Four’s original drummer, who was replaced by Ringo Starr just as the band hit the big time. But 77-year-old Best has now shocked fans by revealing another musical near miss from his past … he is also the ‘Fifth All Saint’! Speaking to NME, Best told how he was drafted into the then-unknown pop quartet back in the mid-nineties. shake “There were so many all-girl groups around at the time,” Best recalled. “So, All Saints’s manager wanted to shake things up a bit by having three sexy young women in their early twenties and a 53-year-old Liverpudlian bloke with a moustache.” “It hadn’t been done before,” Best added. “It felt fresh, new and exciting.” rattle The…

RELATIONS between Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton – famously fractious at the best of times – are at an all time low, following a series of foulmouthed and acrimonious confrontations between the rival royal sisters-in-law. And now palace insiders fear that their infamous rivalry, which has even boiled over into doorstep catfights on the Sandringham estate, could be doing irreparable harm to the reputation of the monarchy. “Everyone knows that the Duchesses of Sussex and Cambridge don’t really get on, but in the past they’ve always managed to keep things civil,” said Ingrid Ffartsucker, editor of Majestic magazine. “But now the hostility between them is out in the open and plain for everyone to see.” “They can’t bear to be in the same room as each other,” Ffartsucker added. “It’s…

I WOULD like to deploy my next nought in the middle row, left hand side square, which is the box numbered 4 on the international long distance noughts and crosses matchplay board. As regular viewers of televised matches will be aware, this aggressive flank-based tactic is referred to as a “leading edge” by match commentators. Anyone who has seen me play before no doubt saw this move coming from the moment my first nought was placed in box 1. Nick Lawrence, Oxford AS an American, I must exhaustedly point out that, once again, the Brits have gotten it wrong. The game Noughts and Crosses is, in fact, called Tic-Tac-Toe. It’s no wonder you lost the Revolutionary War. Also, and more importantly, I must agree with Mr Merkin in issue 284:…

SPACE scientists today confirmed what has long been suspected – that rockets designed to leave the earth’s atmosphere and travel to space must necessarily resemble giant cocks if they are to successfully complete their missions. “There is no doubt about it,” said European Space Agency engineer Professor Jackie Pallo. “If a rocket is intended to achieve a hyper-stratospheric orbit, it simply has to look like a cock, right down to the big knobbly bit at the top.” suggestion Professor Pallo refuted the suggestion that rockets could be less phallic and only look like cocks due to the fact that space aeronautics is predominantly a male-dominated field. “That’s not true. It’s just science,” he reiterated. “Rocket design is simply a result of form following function. The demands of aeronautics necessitate that…

• Ever-changing, flashing electronic advertising boards, subliminally linking the image of fit, affluent young sportsmen with fizzy drinks, fast food and online bookies. • A grown man in the crowd who has painted his face with his team’s colours. The TV cameras will return to him at the end of the match, when he’s crying his eyes out and all his facepaint is running. • A man whose afternoon has been ruined because he’s just been to the refreshments kiosk and paid a week’s wages for two hamburgers, a hot dog and three bottles of pop for his kids. • A match steward who is on his final warning from his boss for turning round to see what’s going on when the crowd starts getting excited. • A man who has spent the last half…

US pop sensation TAYLOR SWIFT gave fans a treat at an LA film premiere last night - when she tested the rotational speed of various legume seeds. Swift, 29, was attending the opening of the new Marvel Avengers movie at Hollywood’s glitzy Chinese Theatre, when she paused halfway down the red carpet to unveil a large wooden board, a stopwatch and a selection of peas, beans and lentils. “Since I was little, I’ve always been fascinated by pulses and their potential rotational velocity,” the singer told reporters. “I’ve often laid awake at night wondering which one would go the fastest if placed on an angled surface.” “So, I thought it’d be great fun to conduct the experiment publicly,” she added. 30 degrees Sexy Swift, whose hits include Shake It Off…