Innholdsfortegnelse for August 2018 i Viz

• DO hunky outdoors types like Bear Grylls have magic breath? When they blow on kindling, they get a roaring fire, but when I blow on a candle, it goes out. P Wee, St. Helens •I RECENTLY took out a subscription to Your Dog magazine. However, when the latest issue arrived through the post, I found that it had someone else’s dog on the front cover and nothing about my dog anywhere inside. Have any other readers been caught out by this scam? Brett, Stalybridge •I HAVE just seen a charity advert on TV that said, what with the polar ice caps melting due to global warming, polar bears are running out of things to feed their young. Well I happen to know that bears don't even eat ice. Just…

• WHILE watching a recent documentary about art history, I was surprised to learn that the central figure in Edvard Munch's masterpiece The Scream is not actually screaming, but responding to having heard a scream. This inversion of my preconceptions set me thinking. Have we perhaps, for all these years, been looking at a picture of a man being slapped in the mouth by a bird's arse? Elvis Woodfist, West Kanyeville • YOU obliged David Herron (Viz issue 274) with a mirror image of that bloke kissing that bird’s arse. Now that we are leaving Europe and aiming for stronger ties with the Commonwealth, how about printing it upside down for our Australian cousins, and my Tasmanian one who lives near Hobart? Geoff Greensmith, Chipping-on -the-Chod-Bin…

“Do your worst!”~ Defiant editor hits out at Putin NOT satisfied with fixing the American election and Brexit referendum votes, Russian President VLADIMIR PUTIN has now gone one step further by HACKING into the last issue of Britain’s favourite toilet grin mag and TAMPERING with a cartoon. Eagle-eyed readers of the strip Jimbo’s Robo Beauty Pageant in Viz 276 spotted that the words in one of the speech balloons had been obscured by a solid purple block. And now the magazine’s boss has laid the blame for the outrage firmly at the door of the Kremlin. “For some reason, it seems that the KGB were desperate to make it appear that Viz is a shambolic, badly run magazine,” said editor Hampton Doubleday. “They clearly hacked into…

Black Bin Beyoncé says: Standard household rubbish and food waste. That kind of stuff. Basically, if it don’t go in the other two bins, it goes in this one. Orange Bin Beyoncé says: Recyclable material, paper, glass, card, plastics, grumble etc. Keep dead batteries and used printer cartridges separate in a little bag. Green Bin Beyoncé says: Garden waste, grass cuttings etc. Don’t even think about including rubble or brick because they won’t touch it, the bastards. N.B. (Nota Beyoncé): Every waste disposal authority uses different colour schemes, so I’ve included eight brightly-coloured bins/items for you to cutout and label to ensure that you don’t miss the collection on your Bin Days!…

AS WELL as its spectacular action scenes and bloodthirsty violence, Game of Thrones is known for its no-holds-barred, raunchy eroticism. And according to insiders, season 8 of the epic drama is set to be the sexiest one yet. That poses a problem for many male viewers, who risk becoming physically aroused while watching the show. It’s an awkward situation that can easily spoil an evening’s viewing, as family members look on with disdain and disgust as dad pitches a tent in his slacks. But thanks to your big-hearted Viz, the misery and shame of unwanted genital tumescence is now set to become a thing of the past. We’ve teamed up with the show’s producers HBO to develop this fantastic, dignity-preserving Game of Thrones Modesty Cushion (TM) . The moment you…

AFULCHESTER man is facing financial ruin after his business was destroyed… by the Great Fire of London! And self-employed Ronnie Fletcher is now warning others to be vigilant after the second hand car showroom he has run for 25 years was reduced to ashes by the historical conflagration yesterday. “I was just shutting up shop when I became aware of some kind of wormhole in the space-time continuum opening up in the showroom,” Fletcher told reporters. “I could see all old-fashioned people and wooden buildings through it, and everything was on fire. I immediately knew I was looking at 1666 and the Great Fire of London,” he continued. “I didn’t know what to do but I wanted to help, so rushed into the toilets and got some water…

THEREwas speculation in a Birmingham office last week, that the quiet woman with spectacles who keeps knocking things over isn’t all she seems. And it is being suggested that Gail Larson, who works as an actuary for Kent & Wayne Insurance Ltd, may be some sort of superhero. “If you think about it, it all seems to fall into place,” said work colleague Christopher Downey. “The glasses, the quiet demeanour, it’s a classic technique for throwing people off the scent.” pills “You look round the office and think ‘who is the last person who would be a superhero?’ In fairness, you’d probably say Ken because he’s morbidly obese and on heart pills. But after Ken, you would definitely say Gail. It’s the perfect cover,” he continued. Mr Downey remained convinced…

abdickate v. To retire gracefully from performing one’s connubial obligations. ‘The missus abdickated about half way through the first night of our honeymoon.’ and just like that a new star is born exclam. To be intoned using the voice of the late Professor Stephen Hawking following a mass colonal ejection event. Bedfordshire clanger 1. n. Type of heavy, suet-based pie, also known as a Trowley dumpling or bacon badger. 2. n. Piquant, gaseous titbit prepared loudly in a Dutch oven. 3. n. A proper pan cracker or gorilla’s breakfast, also known as a Trowley dumpling or bacon badger. beef piston 1. n. A crowd-pleasing pro-wrestling move, probably. 2. n. Nickname of glans-headed pro-wrestlerturned-thesp “Dwayne Johnson” (real name The Rock). big ted’s leg n. A man-size…

UNFIT and need to stop jogging after just 5 minutes? Pretend you have reached your goal by slapping a nearby lamp post whilst looking at your watch with a satisfied nod of the head. Tam Robb, East Kilbride OCD-PRONE physicists. Always keep the centre of gravity in the middle of an egg box by buying the larger 15 (5×3) egg boxes. Remove the eggs 2 at a time from diametrically opposite points in the box, leaving the final egg in the middle of the centre row. Albert, Zurich COSMETICS companies. Avoid actually inventing new products by changing the names of anti-something products to pro- the opposite. Rolly Rogton, Bolton KFC lovers. Go into KFC and tell them you’re allergic to Thyme and keep a note of whether they say you…

HI Y’ALL – most people think my critically acclaimed and grammy nominated second album ‘B-Day’ was about my coming of age as an artist… they couldn’t be more wrong!! It was really about that crushing feeling when you get home from work and realise that your bin hasn’t been emptied – because you put the wrong one out... again! Songs such as Resentment and Ring The Alarm deal with having to wait another two weeks to get your bin emptied, and facing the choice of either squashing the bags in with a spade for the duration or slinging them in next door’s bin when no-one’s looking. We’ve all ‘bin’ there! But worry no more. I’ve teamed up with the folks from Viz to bring…

PALS of CLINT EASTWOOD say the Tinseltown star has recently been “in a right tizz” after he found a baby bird at the bottom of a tree in the garden. The star of movies such as A Fistful of Dollars , Dirty Harry and Every Which Way But Loose was out playing when he spotted the chick at the base of a tree. “He looked up the tree but he couldn’t see the nest it must have fell out of,” said Eastwood’s close friend and Bronco Billy co-star SONDRA LOCKE. “It didn’t have no feathers on, and he was all worried the cat would get it if he just left it.” oscar The 2-times Oscar winner ran inside to…

LATER THIS YEAR, the whole country will go American Football crazy as six of the US’s best NFL teams fly across the Atlantic to duke it out over three head-to-head titanic clashes in London. But although the rules of the game are familiar to every true blue Yank, for us Brits each fixture simply represents two hours of utter bewilderment and arse-numbing confusion. Who is winning? Why have all the players got black lines drawn under their eyes? Why do they keep stopping and starting all the fucking time? How much longer is there left before everyone can go home? We’ve teamed up with chief NBC sports commentator Hymen T Prepuce III to decipher for us exactly how American Football works. From kick-off to final whistle, here’s everything and more…

YOU might not be aware, but today is National Fucking Something Day , which means that some fucking thing is happening, or continuing to happen that somebody has arbitrarily decided is important enough to be given a whole day to its fucking self. And we can look forward to 24 hours of people glibly saying ‘did you know it’s National Fucking Something Day?’ before we can ignore whatever the fuck it is for the next 364 days. And it’s a busy time, as while yesterday was National Something Fucking Else Day, tomorrow will be National Some Other Fucking Thing Day. And next Monday sees the start of International Some Fucking Thing Or Other Week, with hundreds of events planned across the country and…

EVERY fresh-faced celeb has wondered at some point what it would be like to spend 24 hours with their normal hair replaced with aged, silver locks. We rounded up three of our favourite youthful A-Listers and put the simple question to them: What would YOU do if you went Grey For A Day ? Ed Sheeran, ginger troubadour GOING Grey For A Day would be a career ender for me. As we can see with squirrels, people absolutely adore red-haired creatures, finding them inherently cheeky and lovable. But when the exact same creature has grey hair, they round it up and cull it. With that in mind, I would spend my silver-locked 24 hours keeping a very low profile indeed, remaining indoors and wearing a big hat…

Women: Cut out the relevant bin and place in the correct spot in the table to remind you which bin goes out on which day. Then simply wait until around 9.30pm the evening before - or at least until your husband has got his dressing gown and slippers on - then demand he puts the relevant bin(s) out. Don’t let him get away with saying he’ll do it in the morning like my Jay-Z does. He won’t. Men: Put your dressing gown and slippers on and wait for your wife to tell you to put the bins out. Tell her several times that you’ll do it in the morning before eventually giving into pressure and taking them out that night.…

“The Game of Thrones cast are some of my best customers” says chuckle merchant OVER SEVEN SEASONS of the top-rated fantasy drama, Game of Thrones viewers have enjoyed a gripping white-knuckle ride as the Lannisters, Starks, Targaryens and Greyjoys have fought tooth and nail to secure their place on the Iron Throne of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros. The show’s bewitching cocktail of political intrigue, sex, and violent death keeps millions glued to their screens week after week. GoT is famous for having more on-screen deaths than any other TV drama, and this grim statistic could easily take its toll on the show’s stars. It would be quite understandable if the endless acts of violence and murder featured in episode after episode were to…

AN office IT man who recently added a third computer monitor to his desktop believes that the impressive effect will almost certainly lead to his getting a girlfriend fairly soon. Jeremy Caketin, who works in the IT department of Oakey, Catherall & Sulley Insurance Ltd in Croydon, added the third monitor to his desk after receiving authorisation from a manager who doesn’t really understand what he does. sweet “It’s a pretty sweet rig, right?” Caketin told the Croydon Aneurism and Herald. “The chicks are going to dig this, right here,” he continued. “Check out these guys with only two monitors, they think they’re it, the losers. Neil’s only got one monitor, the stupid virgin,” he added. Caketin, 24, then threw a balled-up piece of paper in…

•A MAN with a 4-gallon drum of Mountain Dew on his back and Type-2 Diabetes. • THE POLICE tazering a black man for walking the wrong way through a turnstile. •A FAMILY enjoying a traditional American cookout. •A FAMILY enjoying an impromptu clambake. •A BASEBALL PLAYER who has turned up at the wrong stadium. • THE POLICE tazering a black man for not having the correct change at a hot dog stall. •A FAMILY enjoying a traditional down home hogroast. •A FAMILY waving like bellends because they’ve spotted themselves on the big screen. •A GROUP of multi-facelifted, fibreglass-haired, bleach-toothed, garishly coachdriver-blazered TV sportscasters who are all called Chuck. •A MAN selling cotton candy, pretzels, corndogs and turkey legs on a big stick. • AN 80-STONE MAN who, more than an…

AS the prospect of another World Cup threatens to become a reality, Labour leader JEREMY CORBYN has shocked the soccer world with a radical proposal. “It seems that every four years we are in the same situation, with countries jostling aggressively for victory,” said the veteran pacifist. “We have seen this time and again, and yet we fail to learn from past experiences. Surely it is time for us to get around a table and talk things through.” Corbyn urged football’s governing body to sit down for vital negotiations prior to the potential breakout of another terrifying World Cup. The opposition leader and Arsenal fan added that if the 24 nations concerned could only get together and discuss their differences, a peaceful settlement was within reach. resolve “In this day…