Innholdsfortegnelse for May 2018 i Viz

• IT’S 2018 and we can put a car into space and safely re-land the rockets. We can genetically modify plants, animals and viruses, and we can lay carbon atoms in series to use as conductors with virtually no resistance. And yet I still have to wipe my own bottom. Come on, Silicon Valley, where’s my bum-wiping droid? Barry Williams, Northamptonshire • I RECENTLY went to Stuttgart on a plane that had propellers instead of jets. Just imagine if it had of crashed, everyone would laugh and say that I should of went on a plane with jets, not propellers. C Pumpaloaf, email • IN issue 274, Manuel Relief asked if anyone had ever been spanked with a rolled-up copy of Viz. I haven’t, but as a young man I…

“I’m farting fire!” says Lord Mayor THE LORD MAYOR of Blackpool yesterday expressed disgust at the Russian Secret Service’s recent Salisbury nerve agent attack and announced that the Lancashire resort was planning a series of far-reaching sanctions against Vadimir Putin in response. “Everyone is guaranteed a warm welcome on the West Lancashire Riviera, except the Soviet President,” Councillor Max Crabtree told the Fylde Prepuce . “Theresa May has already expelled some diplomats and frozen some of the Kremlin’s financial assets, but we don’t think those actions go far enough.” “I want to make it clear to the Russian dictator that Blackpool means business. I’m farting fire,” he added. secret At a hastily convened meeting of the top secret BOBRA Blackpool Crisis Response committee, the mayor set out…

THE RECENT attempted murder of Russian double agent Sergei Skripal in the middle of a genteel Wiltshire cathedral town has set alarm bells ringing from Land’s End to John O’Groats. The thought that squads of ruthless Soviet assassins are operating with impunity on the British mainland means that we all have to be extra-vigilant when we’re out and about or going to Zizzis. But would YOU know if the bloke next door was a member of one of Putin’s sinister crack death squads? We ask the question... Answer the questions below a, b, or c and tot up your score to find out. 1 IT’S a nice hot day, and your neighbour is sitting out on his front lawn in a deckchair. What is he wearing? a. Bermuda…

I was discomknockerated at Doddy’s death. And Hawkings’s death left a black hole in my heart Many tears have been shedded in my house in the last month, but none more so have been shedded than have been for the death of Sir Ken Dodd. And even none morer so for the death of Professor Stephen Hawkings. For these two men were giants in their respective fields. Fields of comedy and fields of something to do with science. And although these two fields were miles apart, they were in fact closer together than we can ever know. Because comedy is a science, and what is science but an attempt to explain the comedy of life? Both men left behind them a legacy, committing their thoughts and ideas to print so…

arse lag n. The annoying situation following a long haul flight whereby your Simon Cowell movements fail to revert to their regular, accustomed routine, and you have to go for your daily dump just before bedtime instead of first thing in the morning. arsethetically pleasing adj. Of a set of mud flaps, easy on the eye. ‘Yes, the blonde one out of Abba was always, to my mind, particularly arsethetically pleasing. And his missus wasn’t bad either.’ Baker Street irregulars 1. n. Team of Cockney urchin spies employed by Sherlock Holmes. 2. n. Medical term for temporary back body problems suffered by a lady following a last minute platform alteration between Regent’s Park and Marylebone. blimpic games n. Annual mass participation sporting event occurring at the…

Hi. TIM ROTH here. You’ll know me as ‘Mr Orange’ from the hit film Reservoir Dogs. But to be honest, I’d much rather of been ‘Mr Purple’, because that’s the colour of my all-time favourite fruit... grapes! Or ‘Mr Green’, I suppose, because some grapes are green. Yes, believe it or not, I’m pathologically obsessed with these juicy little non-climacteric berries. And judging by the size of this week’s Grapes of Roth postbag, you lot are fairly keen on them, too. So, what are we waiting for? Let’ s start ‘raisin’ the curtain on a selection of the ‘grape’ letters I’ve received this week. Yours grape-obsessedly, Tim xx WHOEVER was in charge of naming the different types of grape did a pretty shocking job, if you ask me. So-called ‘white’…

PORN star Stormy Daniels recently hinted that she may be in possession of intimate photographs featuring President Donald Trump exposing his manhood. If such pictures do exist and become public, many believe they could spark a scandal that could rock the White House to its foundations. But what if Trump is hung like a carthorse? Come 2020, could the revelation of an impressive Trump Tower in the POTUS’s pants boost his flagging reputation and see the Donald swagger back into the Oval Office? It’s certainly an intriguing possibility, but until we actually see the snap we won’t know for sure. We took a stroll down Hollywood’s star-studded Sunset Strip and asked a selection of Tinseltown celebrities… Ted Nugent , musician and killing enthusiast “What sort of a goddam faggot…

TURN your gloss black car into a trendy matt black model by rubbing it all over with a brillo pad. Hampton Dogood, Luton WANT a free holiday in the sun? Simply tweet that “Lidls coconuts are made of dog shit” and the company will fly you, all expenses paid, to a tropical island to show you how they are actually picked. Iain Dignall, Widnes HISTORY teachers. Create a handy WWII ‘visual aid’ by sketching a map of 1940s Europe onto the inner leg of your grey trousers and then pissing gently. The resultant spreading dark blob should effectively represent the advance of Hitler’s invading armies, just like on those old documentaries they used to make. Two Jackets Moloney, Waterford HUSBANDS. Get yourselves into even more trouble by not knowing why…

Guy Burgess, Kim Philby, Don Maclean, Sir Anthony Blunt… all household names who turned out to be Russian spies. Nobody suspected they were traitors because they were hiding in plain sight as upstanding members of the British Establishment. And it’s a sobering thought that today, decades later, many of our favourite celebrities could also be KGB agents, working to undermine our society. We phoned up a selection of Britain’s best-loved showbiz stars and put a simple question to them… Are you a Russian spy? Sean Connery, James Bond actor “I played a British spy in seven Bond films, so I’ve certainly got plenty of experience in the world of subterfuge and espionage! Seriously, though, I am happy to confirm that I am definitely not a Russian…

RUSSIAN MEN on average can only manage two or three pushes before climaxing during intercourse. That’s according to a new report put together by a leading sex expert. Oxford professor Rex Strepsils claims that the vast majority of Soviet males lack staying power. “Believe you me, those poor Russkies are up and over like a pan of milk,” he told us. “It’s pitiful to see.” Professor Strepsils, who is not affiliated with the town’s University in any way, based his study on a DVD entitled 1001 Moneyshots, a compilation featuring heavily edited ejaculation footage from Russian porn films that he found under a hedge at the top of the Banbury Road. telly “I couldn’t believe it when I got back to my bedist and put it on the telly,” he…

MARK LAWRENSON’s Premier League predictions have long been a weekend highlight for footy fans, allowing Match of the Day viewers to flex their punditry chops against the sharp-shirted soccer authority’s expertise. However Lawrenson, who goes by the nickname ‘Lawro’, sparked confusion at BBC headquarters this week when, instead of predicting the weekend’s scorelines, he prophesied the end of the world! BBC Sport intern Delwin Arbuckle told reporters: “Yesterday, when I got my notepad out and asked Lawro what he thought would happen when Swansea faced Huddersfield, his eyes clouded over, and he spoke with a deep, booming timbre that was very different to his usual watery Scouse whine.” antichrist “’I see the fire falling’, he intoned darkly. ‘The seas will swell and the Antichrist shall rise…

FANS of horror metal and televised current affairs were reeling yesterday after the masked frontman of US heavy rockers SLIPKNOT was revealed to be none other than BBC newscaster HUW EDWARDS. The band’s supporters reacted with anger and confusion at a Las Vegas concert, when Edwards removed his iconic dread-locked rubber fright mask to unveil the steely frown and short-clipped grey hair familiar to BBC viewers across the globe. At a press conference held directly after the gig, the 56-year-old Welshman outlined the unorthodox circumstances that had led to him spending two decades fronting the depraved death metal group, whose hits include Pulse of the Maggots and People = Shit. bar “It all started back in the late nineties”, Edwards told reporters. “I was in Des Moines, Iowa, to cover…

“NANA, those grapes look a bit dry,” my 3-year-old grandson said to me last week. I had to chuckle – he was pointing at some raisins! Agnes Mousepractice, Hulme “NANA, those raisins look a bit moist and tumescent,” my 3-year-old grandson said to me last week. I had to chuckle – he was pointing at some grapes! Agnes Mousepractice, Hulme “NANA, those grapes look a bit crushed, blended with yeast and then fermented over a period of several weeks before being siphoned periodically off the resulting sediment,” my 3-year-old grandson said to me last week. I had to chuckle – he was pointing at some wine! Agnes Mousepractice, Hulme Has a kid said the funniest thing to YOU about grapes? Write in and tell us about it. Each letter we…

Dear Alain de, I RARELY eat raisins as I think they taste fucking awful. However, according to Buddhist philosophy, suffering gives our life meaning. So, perhaps I should be consuming raisins on a regular basis in order to give my existence some vague sense of purpose? Nigel Want-Brass, Cambridge Alain de says: “It’s a nice idea, Nigel, but no. The Buddha certainly taught that all life is suffering, but he also taught that suffering can be eliminated by extinguishing selfish craving and personal desire. As such, your selfish craving to eat raisins as a means of imbuing your pitiful existence with meaning will only lead to more suffering. I would suggest that your true path to enlightenment lies in meditation and the doing of good deeds, rather than…

STORMY DANIELS says she was threatened by a “goon” working for Donald Trump in a Las Vegas parking lot. The sinister heavy warned the adult actress against talking in public about her torrid affair with the slapstick President before vanishing into the shadows. But just who was he? Chances are he was merely a hired thug on the payroll of the Trump organisation. But there is a more intriguing possibility: What if he was actually a showbiz celebrity? We’ve done some dirty digging to unearth four good-looking A-listers who are prime candidates. It’s time to… Tony Hadley , former ex-Spandau Ballet frontman Hadley was a heart-throb back in his eighties heyday, so he certainly ticks the “good-looking” box. Perhaps, on the day in question, he had been on a…

IT WAS the tragedy to end all tragedies. When the RMS Titanic struck an iceberg and sank, on April 15th 1912, the world was rendered dumbstruck with shock and grief. But could this iconic aquatic disaster have been averted? We called up three of our fave celebs and asked them... How would YOU have saved the ‘unsinkable’ ship? Gregg Wallace, belligerent gastronome I COULD have saved the Titanic fairly easily, thanks to my three decades of culinary expertise. Once the ship’s hull had been breached and water was pouring in, I would have turned the vessel’s central heating system all the way up, thus causing the water to boil. Then, I would have retrieved every sack of rice from the ship’s kitchen and emptied them all into the rapidly flooding…

ADerbyshire man last night soiled his trousers with fear as he told how Soviet secret police assassins were hunting him down. “They done that bloke in Wiltshire and I am next on the Kremlin’s list,” said Cromford Hodthorpe, 62. “It’s only a matter of time before Putin’s KGB goons track me down and rub me out.” “They want me dead because I know too much,” the 16-stone bachelor told us. “I was innocently browsing the internet one day looking for some pictures of some things when I came across a pop-up advert illustrated with a picture of a cheerleader doing the splits.” moon “When I clicked on it, it took me to a page with a link to a story about how the Russians had built a secret base on…

No.26: Wolfgang Haystacks HAYSTACKS first showed his precocious wrestling talent well before his fourth birthday. While playing in the nursery, the infant Wolfgang suddenly got his father in a three-quarter Nelson choke. Before Franz-Josef could extricate himself from the hold, his son whipped him over his shoulder and smashed him vertically into the floor with a brainbuster. NEWS OF the young genius and his miraculous grappling ability soon reached the ear of the Austrian Emperor, Leopold II. Wolfgang was summoned to the Royal Palace in Vienna where, in front of the Emperor and assorted dignitaries, he defeated the court wrestler Tony ‘Banger’ Salieri by two falls and a submission. His reputation was made. HOWEVER, his success came at a price. Haystacks frittered away the riches it had brought on high…

AN international row has broken out between Great Britain and the United States after a high-level US diplomat accused the Queen of audibly passing wind during a formal banquet. American consul CYRUS MCQUAID III told reporters that the 91-year-old monarch broke cover during the hot appetizer portion of a five-course sit-down meal at Windsor Castle yesterday. “Her Majesty’s butt sneeze sounded like a ’65 Ford Mustang with a busted tailpipe,” McQuaid told the International Herald Tribune. “I said to her: ‘Your Majesty, I’ll name that tune in one.” “The hum off that guff just about made my nose hairs curl,” said McQuaid. “It was like pea soup that had been left on the stove top for about two and a half weeks, and I ain’t even joshin’,” he added. issue…

• IN THE 1940 BUSTER KEATON film Nothing But Pleasure, the iconic silent comedian disastrously attempts to make a romantic meal for his spouse. His ingredients include a string of onions, a live cat and a whole bunch of grapes, including the stems. The film is set three decades before the invention of electronic time-keeping technology, yet Keaton can clearly be seen wearing a digital watch as he adds the grapes to the saucepan. • IN ONE scene during the 1963 masterpiece Cleopatra, the Egyptian queen – played by ELIZABETH TAYLOR – is being fed grapes by a lowly slave. The film is set in 48 BC, yet each grape clearly has a digital watch wrapped around it. • IN THE 1995 romantic drama A Walk In The Clouds, KEANU…

MY NEIGHBOUR has a large grapevine in his greenhouse that produces bunches and bunches of succulent grapes every year, whilst I have to pay through the nose for mine at the supermarket. It simply isn’t fair. Unfortunately, the vine doesn’t block my light or overhang my property and its roots aren’t affecting the drains. Are there any legal grounds upon which I could compel him to cut this vine down, so that the smug bastard has to pay for his grapes like the rest of us do? Nigel X., Surrey Indeed there is. Living without stress, strain or anguish is a fundamental human right, and your neighbour’s grapevine is clearly causing you great mental distress. Go to your doctor and get him to sign a note to the effect that…