Innholdsfortegnelse for November 2015 i Viz

Bear Grylls , small screen survivalist As a hard working survival expert, I’m constantly on my feet, running and jumping and swinging about on ropes. So I think I’d use my one day of death to have a bloody good lie down! I’d switch off my phone, and recline motionless in the morgue for 24 hours of blissful relaxation. Then I’d come back to life, rested and ready to abseil down a waterfall or whatever. Justin Welby , Archbishop of Canterbury Since most of my immediate superiors exist only in the afterlife, being briefly dead would represent an unmissable networking opportunity for me. As soon as I popped my clogs, I’d head straight to Heaven and start pressing the flesh with all the big guns: St Paul, St Peter, Jesus,…

HERE’S a thing. If you built a walkway all round the equator, right, all the way round the earth, ten foot off the ground, propped up on wooden posts, right? And then you knocked all the supports away at the same time, know what would happen? Nothing, that’s what. It’d just stay there, hanging in the air, all round the world. Think about it. It couldn’t fall down, because it would have to go up by ten feet on the other side of the world. You’d have to knock the posts away at exactly the same time, mind, or it wouldn’t work. KNOW what? If all the Chinese started walking out of China, two by two, right, they’d never empty the place. Never. They’re having babies faster than they can…

THEY SAID he was unelectable, but JEREMY CORBYN proved them wrong. Backed by his army of Trotskyist supporters, the 66-year-old loony leftie MP for Islington North powered to a landslide victory in the recent Labour leadership poll. And make no mistake, unless we take action now to stop him in his tracks, he could be heading for Downing Street in 2020. The prospect of this Soviet Stalinist stooge painting the door of Number Ten red is one that should terrify every right-thinking person in the UK. Now, as Jeremy Corbyn prepares to take the reins of power, Viz political editor and prospective UKIP parliamentary candidate Charlie Pontoon asks... WITH his grey beard, scruffy sports jacket and open collars, he looks like a…

JEREMY CORBYN’S landslide victory may have been welcomed by communist agitators, loony lefties and benefits cheats throughout Britain, but one group that won’t be celebrating the Soviet stooge’s poll success is tie manufacturers. For the 66-year-old marxist lickspittle’s pathetic reluctance to wear a tie in public has set a trend that spells disaster for the British tie-making industry. “Corbyn is the first politician in history who doesn’t wear a tie, and this seems to have struck a chord with the country’s impressionable young people,” says Hansard fashion editor Preston Ironed. “Swept along on a misguided wave of Corbyn-mania, nobody’s buying ties any more and as a result the once-proud British tie industry is in freefall.” dickie According to figures released by the British Necktie, Cravat and Dickie Bow Manufacturer’s Association,…

A SHOCKING top secret Labour Party document leaked to journalists reveals how, if he becomes Prime Minister in 2020, Jeremy Corbyn intends to launch a devastating nuclear strike within 15 minutes of taking office. But his target won’t be a legitimate foreign enemy, such as ISIS, the USSR or asylum seekers... it will be his own country! Despite campaigning against nuclear weapons for years and pledging to scrap Trident, Corbyn is set to initiate a devastating attack against the British people and the institutions he hates, using the country’s massive stockpiles of atomic weapons. “He’s adamant that he’s going to kill us all and nobody’s going to talk him out of it,” a Labour source told us. button “As soon as he gets inside 10 Downing Street Jeremy’s…

EVERYBODY agrees that Jeremy Corbyn is evil, but could it be that he is actually Satan himself, the Lord of Misrule come up from his infernal abode of Hades to wreak havoc upon the electorate? Now, Devil expert and Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Justin Welby sets about examining Corbyn’s many diabolical qualities to discover once and for all if the Labour leader is, as many believe, the Devil Incarnate. BEARD Like the Devil, Corbyn has a beard. Although the Labour leader’s trim, grey face fanny is markedly less pointy than that of his mephistophelian counterpart, it nevertheless puts him in company with a selection of the world’s most evil people, including Osama Bin Laden, the Yorkshire Ripper and Saddam Hussain when they…

TV boffin Brian Cox today waded into the #snortergate controversy by claiming that Prime Minister David Cameron’s lewd behaviour with a dead pig proved a controversial quantum physics theory. Cox told Radio 1’s Reggie Yates: “According to Hugh Everett’s Multiverse Hypothesis, there exist an infinite number of parallel universes which contain an infinite number of possible realities.” put “Put into layman’s terms, everything you can imagine exists in one of these universes, no matter how extraordinary. drive In one of them, you win the X-Factor. In another, your mother becomes the Queen of Spain,” he continued. “There are an infinite number of worlds, and anything that can happen has happened in one or another of them.” “Until now, we thought we were…

TV boffin Professor Brian Cox is set to attain puberty by the end of the decade, according to scientists. If all goes according to plan, the particle physicist’s testicles will descend into his scrotal sac, lowering his voice and triggering the growth of pubes around his genitals, some time towards the end of October 2019. Veteran NASA astrophysicist Dr Rhoda Morgenstern made the announcement at a press conference held at the space agency’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California. gonads She told reporters: “We’re all very excited about this. Brian Cox began his 50-year voyage to puberty all the way back in the late sixties and it is a great privilege to be here now to see such a long-term project coming towards fruition.” As soon…

ARCHAEOLOGISTS working near Hadrian’s Wall in Northumberland were celebrating last night after unearthing the most complete Roman arse ever found in Britain. The backside, believed to date back to 150 AD, is in almost perfect condition, with buttocks, nipsy and a tintis. empire “The arse we have discovered is almost certainly that of a soldier who was stationed at this most northerly outpost of the Roman Empire nearly two thousand years ago,” explained dig leader Dr Diggory Leader of the Vindolanda Project. “Judging by the cleanliness of the balloon knot, it belonged to a high ranking soldier who could afford Roman lavatory paper,” he continued. “Perhaps a Centurion or a Tribune.” He told us: “Bits of arse turn up all along the Wall from time to time. A bit of…

INSTEAD of having fashion models walk up and down the catwalk, why not simply use a contraption similar to an airport luggage carousel? This would ensure that the audience could get a proper look at the frocks, and the models wouldn’t keep going arse over tit like they always do. Not only that, the fifteen-minute wait for the carousel to start up would add to the suspense and excitement of the whole glittering event. Clark Somerset, Somerset WITH reference to Mr Somerset’s Star Letter (above). Although this is a good idea in principle, I think it would be impractical. The people behind the scenes loading the models onto the carousel would more than likely open up their dresses, rifle through them and steal their underwear. Some of the models may…

FIGHT THROUGH - an exciting new magazine from Education for the Military - was last night announced as the winner of the prestigious 2015 Viz Magazine of the Year Award. The quarterly publication for wounded service men and women was presented with its prize by Viz editor Hampton Doubleday at a glittering ceremony held in the ballroom of the Grosvenor House Hotel in London. Doubleday told the assembled audience of A-List celebrities: “Each issue of Fight Through features information and inspiring stories to help wounded service men and women maintain a positive attitude. It is available online from www.educationforthemilitaryfamily.org.uk or you can follow them on Twitter on @Fighthroughmag” suggestions However, Viz editor Doubleday rejected suggestions that the Viz Magazine of the Year Awards did not exist and that…

HE’S THE super-suave sleuth with a penchant for fast cars and even faster women. For more than 50 years, we have marvelled at his thrilling adventures, slick gadgets and quick-witted one-liners - usually delivered just seconds after killing a bad guy, or moments before bedding a sexy lady. He’s Bond, James Bond, and he’s as much a part of Britain’s cultural heritage as Stonehenge, Sunday roasts and Test Match Special . But how much do we REALLY know about this sophisticated secret agent with a licence to kill? We don’t expect you to talk, but we do expect you READ these... 001 WRITER Ian Fleming chose the name ‘James Bond’ because it combined the monikers of his two favourite celebrities: Saturday…

A WOMAN who lived with Jeremy Corbyn for 18 years yesterday told how the Labour leader made her life a misery with his unreasonable demands and obnoxious behaviour. Ada (not her real name) told us that she first met Corbyn the day he was born, when he moved into her house in Wiltshire. At first they got on well as he was fast asleep. But within hours, another side of him emerged, an ugly side that shocked Ada. slave “Corbyn would wake me in the middle of the night, demanding food. He would scream right in my face, and wouldn’t stop until I gave in to his demands,” said Ada. “I was effectively a slave, washing his clothes and preparing all his food.” She also confirmed…

JEREMY CORBYN last night snubbed an invitation from press magnate Rupert Murdoch to go for a kickabout on his mum’s lawn. The new Labour leader was having his tea when the News International chief knocked at the door. “I answered the door and it was Rupert Murdoch,” said 104-year-old Ada Corbyn, the opposition leader’s mum. “He had a penny floater football under his arm and he wanted to know if our Jeremy was coming out to play three pots and in with him and his friends, the Barclay twins and Lord Rothermere.” Mrs Corbyn explained to the 84-year-old Australian press baron that Corbyn, 66, wasn’t coming out to play as he fundamentally disagreed with the press exerting political influence to further their business ends and he…

MAY 7TH 2020... 22:00 Polls close across the country MAY 7TH 2020... 22:01 First result in - Sunderland South MAY 8TH 2020... 07:30 Cameron concedes defeat following landslide victory to Labour MAY 8TH 2020... 09:30 Jeremy Corbyn arrives at Buckingham Palace MAY 8TH 2020... 10:00 Queen invites him to form new government MAY 8TH 2020... 10:30 Corbyn arrives at 10 Downing Street and chats with Downing Street staff and civil servants MAY 8TH 2020... 10:43 Corbyn requests secret nuclear launch codes MAY 8TH 2020... 10:44 Corbyn changes all target co-ordinates to cities around Britain MAY 8TH 2020... 10:45 Corbyn presses button to launch nuclear strike and retreats to underground bunker MAY 8TH 2020... 11:00 Warheads land simultaneously in 69 UK cities, killing 99% of population in the initial blast MAY…

NO-NONSENSE Prime Minister Dave Cameron last night came out fighting and accused rival Jeremy Corbyn of being “too soft” to stick his cock in a pig’s mouth. And the Tory man of action said that he was the only party leader in Britain who was prepared to step up to the plate and perform the obscene act. “Make no mistake, if a pig needs fucking, I’ll fuck it,” Cameron told the Lord Mayor’s banquet at the Mansion House. “No ifs, no buts, no weasel words, no mealy-mouthed excuses. If the job needs doing, I’ll roll up my sleeves and get it done.” animal In his speech, the premier accused Corbyn of being the sort of man who, when push came to shove,…

NUCLEAR physicists. Want to split the atom? Simply stick one in a box and mail it to yourself using the Royal Mail’s ‘Parcelforce’ service. It is guaranteed not to arrive in one piece. For splitting subatomic protons and neutrons into quarks, simply mark the box ‘Fragile. Handle with care.’ B Brady, Compton Bishop CONVINCE your neighbours that a Japanese person is staying with you by leaving a pair of flip-flops outside your front door. Laynan Zythgoe, Lytham SNEAK into your neighbours’ garden while they are out and bury a length of leaky garden hose under their lawn. Connect it to your tap and turn it on to ensure their lawn is a muddy quagmire all year round. Ian Andrews, Hastings IF your hire car comes with comprehensive insurance, there is…

LADIES. If a man slips you his car keys at a wife swapping party, take them. If he’s a hunk, you can pretend to take them out of the bowl. If he looks like Shane MacGowan’s less attractive brother, you can surreptitiously drop them back in for some other poor sod to pick out. H Monkbottle, Fulchester HARD-pressed dairy farmers. Take a tip from pub landlords and increase your profits by slightly under-filling each carton of milk. Darryl Lane, Bournemouth MAKE people think you’ve got an invisible trumpet by pretending to play it every time you fart. Bury Bob, Bury DRIVERS. When in a car park, avoid putting those little plastic tokens in your mouth when you pick them out of the machine at the barrier. I always rub my…

UK police estimate that there are currently more than 1,000 UNSOLVED MURDERS on their files. Shootings, stabbings, stranglings, even poisonings... a thousand tragic victims lie dead whilst their killer still roams the streets. And Jeremy Corbyn still roams the streets. Mere coincidence, as his supporters would have you believe, or something more sinister? We spoke to an anonymous police superintendent, who confirmed that the new Labour leader could be a suspect in all these crimes of violence if evidence to implicate him were to be uncovered. He told us: “Mr Corbyn has not been cleared of any of these killings, and if compelling forensic evidence of his guilt came to light, we would have no hesitation in arresting him and charging him with murder.”…

LIKE DR JEKYLL AND MR HYDE, all of us have split personalities.There is often a gulf between the face we present to the world and the innermost feelings we harbour deep inside. Until recently, it has been impossible to decipher the hidden psyche of a person’s ying and yang, but now a correspondence course-trained psychologist says that she has discovered a key that unlocks the secret sides we wish to keep from public view. What’s more, it’s been hidden in plain sight all along. “The contrasting sides of our personalities are hidden in the two sides of our faces, says Dr Gillian Charlatan. “The bad on the left and the good on the right.” Dr Charlatan says that by reflecting those two halves to create a whole face, the subject’s…

LABOUR leader Jeremy Corbyn last night snubbed Sun owner Rupert Murdoch after turning down an invitation to a sleepover his house. The new Labour leader was playing with his Lego when the millionaire press baron called and asked Corbyn’s mum if Jeremy wanted to go for a sleepover at his Chipping Norton mansion. friends “Murdoch said he had just got a new PS3 and wondered if Jeremy wanted to come over and play on it,” said Ada Corbyn, 104. “He was having a few friends over, including Alexander Lebedev and Richard Desmond.” Murdoch said that he only had one bed, but if he wanted to sleep over, they could all get in it and make a den. cheers…

ANEW, hastily-written biography of Jeremy Corbyn makes the sensational claim that the new Labour leader produces foul-smelling stools. According to author Renton Sausageskin in his book Corbyn: The Truth, fellow students at North London Polytechnic in the 1960s noticed a “distinctly unpleasant pong” after Corbyn had used the lavatory. match The book claims... “after (Corbyn) had been in there was a smell that I can only describe as being like human excrement. It would often take up to ten minutes to clear. On one occasion we even had to light a match.” issue Despite the damaging nature of the allegations, a Labour party spokesman told reporters: “We will not dignify these accusations with a comment.” But political commentators believe that making no comment could backfire on…

HAS OUR QUEEN played fast and loose with the figures, falsifying the facts in order to usurp the throne from Victoria? Or is she right to rest on her laurels after claiming the crown perfectly validly? Should Elizabeth now be stripped of the prize that she has so shamefully claimed under false pretences, or should her proud reigning record be allowed to stand? We went out onto the streets of Britain to see what ordinary members of the public had to say about the great debate that is renting the nation in twain. ...HER behaviour is disgraceful. I think she should be sacked as monarch and put on the Sex Offenders Register. Toft Champignon, Paperclip engineer ...I’M disgusted with the behaviour of the Queen. What a terrible example to set…

THE COMPANY that makes the adverts featuring the meerkats yesterday made a stark admission to shareholders... “We’ve completely forgotten what it is we do for a living.” “These days we mainly seem to make cuddly toys and short animated films about talking rodents,” said chairman Quentin Gardens, addressing the business’s AGM at the Birmingham NEC. “I’ve got a feeling we originally used to do something else as well as meerkats, but I’m buggered if I can remember what it was.” Albert Managing Director Victoria-Anne Albert was unable to throw much more light on the mystery. “I’ve got a vague recollection that it might have been something to do with credit cards or insurance or phone bills or something, but it’s all rather got overshadowed by the runaway success…