Innholdsfortegnelse for May 2017 i Viz

• ME and my mate were wondering, if you drank 12 pints of cheap cider but ate 2 pickled eggs with each pint, what would happen the next day? I reckon you’d shit yourself stupid, but he says you’d be egg-bound for a week. If there is a scientist or something reading this, could you clear it up for us, please? There’s 2 quid riding on it. Chris, Weston-super-Mare • WHAT is it with some people? Every Sunday morning, my neighbour washes his car, and without fail I pop my head over the fence and shout, “You can wash mine when you’ve finished!” Then we both have a good old laugh about it. However, when I saw him in the showers at the local sports centre and shouted…

TWO pensioners were fighting for their lives last night, after having their hearts melted by 2-year-old PRINCESS CHARLOTTE . Edna Simple and Dolly Plain, both 86, were yesterday attending a church fete in their hometown of Windsor, which was being opened by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and their two young children. But when the octogenarian duo caught sight of Princess Charlotte, their pulmonary arteries instantly began to liquefy, causing them to collapse to the ground in agony. princess Onlooker Torin Littlegaunt told reporters: “The whole thing was terrifying. Wills and Kate cut the ribbon and declared the fete open, and then began playing with Prince George and Princess Charlotte.” “I heard an old lady next to me nudge her companion and say how adorable Princess Charlotte looked.…

AN Essex man amazed the literary world yesterday when he correctly judged a series of books by their covers. Barry Wasteage, a hatstand polisher from Chelmsford, took one look at a cover of This Was A Man by Jeffrey Archer and immediately declared it to be ‘shit.’ dreadful Wasteage, 43, then further demonstrated his remarkable talent by looking at the cover of Kane and Abel by Jeffrey Archer and without reading it, correctly judged it to be dreadful. He went on to do the same thing with First Amongst Equals, A Matter of Honour and Mightier Than the Sword, declaring them to be ‘balls’, ‘awful’ and ‘piss-poor’ respectively, without opening them. “I don’t know how Mr Wasteage does it,” said Booker Prize judge Ampleforth Crumbhorn. “He doesn’t need to read…

SHORTLY after being sworn in, DONALD TRUMP’S first act in office was to sign an Executive Order to get the White House gate hinge oiled. However, the order was immediately blocked by the Senate, and a GOP appeal against that block was then overturned in the Supreme Court by JUDGE SPIRO THEACROPOLIS. As a result, President Trump is woken every morning at 5am by the gate squeaking when the milkman comes up the path of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The frustrated POTUS took to Twitter to vent his anger. During his 2016 campaign trail, Trump vowed to build a wall the full length of the United States’s southern border with Mexico to keep out illegal immigrants. But the President only recently revealed how many gates he intends to place along the…

GET your own back on dogs by curling turds off on popular dog walks, then watching as they try to scrape the faecal results from their hairy little paws. Tim Buktu, Timbuktu GIVE ready-washed potatoes that rustic look by covering them in soil Steve K, Sheffield CONVINCE friends and neighbours that you’re actually an American by setting fire to your house and then dialling 9-1-1. Torbjorn Monkbottle, Wells PRETEND you’re in a taxi when a friend gives you a lift by sitting in the back, making only halting, perfunctory conversation and glancing nervously at the digital clock on the dashboard. Jed Scott, Errol WASPS make a low-cost, readily available alternative for beekeepers who can’t be arsed to collect honey but want to keep stinging, yellow-arsed, flying insects. Iain Devenney, Oxford…

TELLY fave EAMONN HOLMES was at the centre of an embarrassing mishap last night, after US rap star MC HAMMER fell on top of him. The pair were attending a glitzy charity do in central London yesterday, when the U Can’t Touch This hip-hopper slipped on some foie gras and accidentally tumbled onto the popular This Morning presenter. Holmes remained trapped beneath Hammer for close to 25 minutes, whilst onlookers attempted to free him. “The whole thing was quite incredible”, chuckled one bystander. “Even Holmes and Hammer themselves were giggling by the end. Somebody nearby had the quick wit to quip - ‘Oh, look, Eamonn Holmes has found himself underneath MC Hammer!’ We all absolutely fell about.” Eamonn Top: Daytime presenter Holmes was buried under rap icon Hammer…

HAVE YOU EVER gazed in awe at a spectacular sunset, found yourself transfixed whilst contemplating the myriad iridescent hues of a butterfly’s wing, or been touched deep in your heart by the sight of some daffodils? Of course you have. We all have. But who amongst us is able to then turn those inexpressible personal feelings into words... to capture and distil, in just a few deft lines of prose, the essential experience of the human condition? Step forward The Poet. From historic titans of the art, such as Byron, Keats and Shelley, to modern-day sonneteers like Betjeman, Motion and Ayres, poets are an essential part of all our daily lives. Using nouns, verbs and adjectives as the warp, woof and weft of their wonderful word tapestries, their…

Project Manager tells of overburdon in 80 minute oration AN OFFICE worker yesterday spent over an hour in the office kitchen explaining how extremely busy he is. Jeremy Whitemeat, a project manager at Clarke and Moyet’s Solutions in Swindon, went into the kitchen at 2.05pm and began a conversation about his workload with a co-worker. After spending almost 80 minutes explaining how hectic his schedule was, he eventually emerged shortly after 3.26pm. “He asked me how it was going and that,” said Eleanor Gay, who works on the same floor as Mr Whitemeat. busy “I told him I was quite busy, just for something to say, really,” she continued. “Then he went ‘busy? You think you’re busy?’” “It was then that I knew I was in for the long-haul.” Mr…

A BREAKFAST D J yesterday pretended that he was slightly incompetent and didn’t know what the various buttons in his studio did, for comic effect. DJ Simon Buttocks, presenter of the Radio Somerset morning programme, had just finished playing Somewhere Only We Know by Keane and went to play the station ident jingle. However, he accidentally pressed the wrong button on his console, and his 2500 listeners heard the previous song start up again. “Quick as a flash I just thought that I’d pretend to not know what I was doing,” the DJ told The Tiverton Herald. “So I just said ‘That’s Keane again. Do we play records twice in a row? Even if they are total classics. I don’t know. I’m a rubbish DJ.’” “It was hilarious. Even though…

Dear Miriam, IT’Smymum’sbirthdaycoming up and they’ve got some nice heated clothes drying racks in the sale at Lakeland. I am 48, my husband is 50 and the racks are reduced from £64 to £32. My sister Brenda said she thought mum would like one, but they attach to the wall and I’m not sure where she’d put it in her house, because they’ve got to be near a plug. Also, it would have to be fitted to the wall, but her friend Vic could do that as he’s very good like that. They do some free-standing ones, which would probably be more useful, but they’re just for towels and they’re not in the sale. They’ve got some really big ones in the sale, but they’d take up too much room…

FANS of hit TV show Downton Abbey are in for a surprise of galactic proportions. For it has just been revealed that the forthcoming film of the period drama will be set in space! “I’ve always been a huge fan of the Jetsons,” said posh writer Julian Fellowes. “So the chance to set Downton Abbey in space is, for me, tremendously exciting.” It is understood that the movie will feature the whole Crawley family and their servants boarding a giant spaceship piloted by Lord Robert, which will take them all to Mars. Once on the red planet they will establish a new space-manor and involve themselves in mildly diverting escapades. “I think that after the way the final series ended, with the wonderful wedding and Bates’…

 profanisaurus@viz.co.uk  adventure bay 1. n. prop. A fictional location on kids’ show Paw Patrol. 2. n. Exciting harbour where, from time to time, the skin boat is wont to dock and unload its cargo. The Bermuda triangle. The Latest Update from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity Bavarian, the n. Passing wind in a series of releases while walking, thus giving the impression that you are being followed by a small, malodorous oompah band. Also known as a duckwalk, string of pearls, ugly duckling or one-stroke cylinder engine. bempty adj. A right proper clear out; a ground-up spring clean of the Simon Cowells. From bum + empty. ‘I am just going outside for a bempty and I may be some time.’ (last words of Captain Oates, March…

Lincoln Star in Canine Deer Chase Biopic THE ACADEMY Award-winning actor DANIEL DAY-LEWIS is set to star in a new Hollywood biopic about That Man From The Fenton The Dog YouTube Video. The film, working title Fenton! , will be released in cinemas summer 2019, and is to be directed by Tinseltown heavyweight STEVEN SPIELBERG. Speaking at a press conference at the Cannes Film Festival yesterday, Day-Lewis, 60, described the biopic as a “long-time passion project” and told reporters he was “humbled and thrilled” to be embarking on what he called “the biggest challenge of my career”. resonates “The story of that man who chased after his dog whilst shouting ‘Jesus Christ’ is a story that resonates with all ages, races, colours and creeds,” the actor told…

MUCHmissedradiostar TERRY WOGAN was said to be overjoyed yesterday after it was revealed his popular morning show is still leading the ratings and beating his radio rivals hands down - nearly a year and a half on from his death. “It takes more than a fatality to keep good old Tel down,” quipped a Radio 2 spokesman. “Even after his demise, his ratings are still at an all time high, averaging 7.4 million listeners every weekday morning.” “ Sir Terry’s nearest rivals, the likes of Chris Evans, Steve Wright and Radio One’s Nick Grimshaw, can barely muster 7 million between them, and they have the advantage of being alive,” the spokesman added. Such are Wogan’s ratings, it is believed that the late Irish presenter, famous for his gentle blarney, is…

1 Believe it or not, gates were invented by none other than GOD himself. When the omniscient Deity set about creating Heaven 6,000 years ago, the first thing he did was to invent a huge set of hinged barriers to go at the front. He then invented pearls with which to decorate the gates and SAINT PETER, who was employed as a kind of bouncer, to stand outside the Pearly Gates, checking dead people’s ID before they came in. 2 The most expensive gate in the world belongs to none other than short-arsed U2 vocalist, BONO. Covered in diamonds, sapphires, rubies and £100 notes, the 24-carat gold gate cost a whopping £13 MILLION to construct. In 2005 it was famously flown halfway across the world in a private jet back…

We sent top celebrity gate snapper Roland Ratshit out to pap the garden gates of four top A-Listers. But can YOU spot which hinged barrier belongs to which legendary showbiz icon? Send your answers in to: ‘Guess Whose Gate?’ c/o Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ , and you could stand a chance of winning a lifetime’s supply of gates for you and three friends or relatives. 1. IT’S THE “GATE” BRITISH BAKE-OFF! You’d have to be cunning as a (silver) fox to guess who this Holly-wooden garden barrier belongs to! A right answer here will really “take the biscuit”! 2. ALL CREATURES “GATE” & SMALL! This nonagenarian national treasure may love animals - but he’s clearly been neglecting the…