Innholdsfortegnelse for March 2017 i Viz

STAR LETTER • I FIND it really embarrassing when guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch. Especially as he’s a chihuahua and I have to lift him up. John Tunney, Corby • SOMEONE once told me that the Pretenders song Maybe Tomorrow was about a boil that lead singer Chrissie Hynde had on her arse that wasn’t quite ready for squeezing. Torbjorn Charteris, London • PRINCE Charles and Prince William would do well to remember that George III had terrible piles, and the Sun King Louis XIV of France had an anal fistula. If they believe that just because they are Royal they are immune from getting diseases of the backside, then they should think again. Frampton Gilhooley, Hull • WHY don’t they liven up Question Time…

BACK in the Eighties and Nineties, I used to love following the wacky antics of former Labour leader Neil Kinnock. I particularly liked it when he fell over on Brighton Beach that time and got a wet arse, and then sort of angrily punched the air as he staggered off. However, I haven’t seen him on telly for a few years, and I was just wondering: is he still Welsh? Edna Bum-Raisins, Nuneaton *Many thanks for your letter, Mrs Bum-Raisins. You are absolutely correct in pointing out that Neil Kinnock is not quite the mainstream media fixture he used to be in previous decades. However, despite his recent absence from our small screens and newspapers, I can confirm that Mr Kinnock continues to be Welsh, both in public and in…

ENGLISH Heritage has announced that the visitor centre at Stonehenge is to get its own dedicated visitor centre. The Stonehenge Visitor Centre Visitor Centre will hold an interactive exhibition about the Stonehenge Visitor Centre’s history and construction. There will also be a souvenir shop containing pens, fridge magnets, and cuddly toys in the shape of the Stonehenge Visitor Centre. “The Stonehenge Visitor Centre has proved immensely popular since opening in December 2013,” said a representative for English Heritage. “It’s proved almost as popular as the henge itself, so we think it is high time that the Stonehenge Visitor Centre received it’s own visitor centre to really enhance the experience of visiting the Visitor Centre.” And the news of the addition to the Stonehenge site was welcomed by sightseers. “I think…

We are all familiar with Stonehenge, but what exactly is it made of? Amazingly, it consists of three principal elements that all begin with G. GRANITE: The 30 giant monoliths that make up the stone circle of Stonehenge are made of granite, a holocrystalline rock consisting chiefly of silicon and aluminium oxide molecules arranged in an equigranular matrix. GRASS: The ground that Stonehenge sits upon is covered in grass, which consists of organic compounds, many of which are long chain complex macromolecules. Its characteristic green colour derives from chlorophyl. Grass gets longer or shorter depending on whether it has just been mowed. GAPS: The see-through spaces between the stones are made of gaps. These contain air, which is 20% oxygen, 78% nitrogen, 1% carbon dioxide and 1% mixture of argon,…

WAS STONEHENGE built as a ceremonial altar for Druid sacrifices, or was it some sort of primitive observatory? Maybe it was a Stone Age calendar, allowing our caveman ancestors to keep track of the seasons. The fact is that despite centuries of excavations and investigations at the site, historians, archaeologists and anthropologists still have no clear idea of this giant stone circle’s original purpose. So, to find out once and for all, we’ve asked a cross section of Britain’s brainiest celebrities why THEY think our ancient ancestors built this amazing monument. JOE SWASH Ex-King of the Jungle I THINK Stonehenge is a zoo from caveman times. When it was first built, the stones coming down would have been the bars of a big circular cage. They could only have kept…

“A-Listers cost me my job,” fumes sacked driver Ron WHERE would we be without our local bus service? This ingenious network is responsible for getting hardworking Brits from A to B and then back again each and every day. Behind the wheels of these lumbering double-decker leviathans of the road are bus drivers: Humble, salt-of-the-earth folk who ferry us tirelessly around with a quiet, stoical dignity. Folk like RON CHEESEBOROUGH. “Bus driving is my whole life,” says clinically obese Ron, who spent a whopping SIX WEEKS driving the east Yorkshire 401 service between Goole and Selby, via Snaith. “That’s why I was so crushed last week, when I was handed my P45 and escorted from the depot by force. At that moment, the bottom dropped out of my world.” But…

REPLACE your bathroom light-pull with a Party Popper to get useful audio-visual confirmation that you’ve found the bathroom when trying to go to the loo in the dark. J. Tumbleweed, Lancaster CONVINCE friends and neighbours that you’re a character from Eastenders by shaving your head and shouting at everyone a lot in an affected cockney accent. Turning up in the neighbourhood a few years after your funeral will also help with the ruse. Hampton Turner, London TV writers. Whenever you’re depicting a 16th or 17th Century tavern, always have some wench cackling away with half her tits hanging out as she sits on someone’s knee and drinks beer from a tankard. I’m pretty sure it’s never been done before, so you might just win some kind of award. Bartram Niceleybig,…

CEO of the Virgin empire RICHARD BRANSON has today shocked fans and investors by announcing plans to install high-speed wireless broadband… in his barse! The tidy-bearded entrepreneur unveiled the unorthodox scheme at a press conference in central London this morning. potential Branson told reporters: “As a businessman, I see opportunities everywhere, and I what I despise most is wasted potential. The barse just sits there on our body, between our buttocks and balls, doing literally nothing. It’s something that’s infuriated me since childhood, but I have now finally found a way to capitalise on it.” The goatee-sporting billionaire went on to outline the methods he would be using to put his unorthodox perineum proposal into action. kinetic “I will be installing a tiny chip…

2600 BC BUILDERS drag 30 giant sarsen stones - each one weighing in excess of 50 tons - 25 miles from the Marlborough Downs to a site on Salisbury Plain. They leave them there in a heap, along with a dumpy bag of sand and a primitive wooden cement mixer, before vanishing off “to finish another job”. 2400 BC THE builders return and finally start work on the project, which will involve erecting a circle of ceremonial trilithons that will be a temple to the ancestors. 2100 BC WITH the henge still half completed, the builders disappear to another job. 1500 BC A BRONZE Age tribe submit a change of use planning application, applying for permission to re-align the heelstone with the direction of the summer equinox, thereby converting the…

Dear Miriam, My husband is a Druid and I’m worried that he wants to sacrifice me at Stonehenge. I am 41 and my husband is 43. We’ve been married for 23 years and every solstice and equinox he gets out a big bronze knife and tries to persuade me to come to Stonehenge with him so he can sacrifice me to ensure a good harvest next year. I always make an excuse why I can’t go with him, like I’ve got a headache or my mum’s got a bad leg, but my excuses are wearing thin. He says that lots of his Druid friends have sacrificed their wives and I am just being stubborn. I don’t want to get sacrificed, but I’m afraid I’ll lose him if I don’t give…

THE archaeological world could be forced to rewrite their textbooks in the light of ex Smiths front-twat Morrissey’s latest pronouncement. For the 57-year-old miserablist claims that the prehistoric men who built Stonehenge were strict vegetarians . At a sparsely attended press conference, the mouthy gobshite, whose hit songs include Girlfriend in a Coma and This Charming Man, announced that the builders of the giant neolithic monument ate nothing but fruit, nuts and pulses. “It’s obvious,” he told reporters. “Anyone who ate meat, which incidentally is murder, would spend all their time suffering terrible constipation from all the rotting animals and sausages stuck in their bowels for years on end.” “They’d be sat on the toilet all the day, straining to force out a copper bolt. And when…

AS NEWLY elected US comedy President Donald Trump settles into the White House and finally gets his tiny hands on the big red nuclear button, chances are World War III will be kicking off any day now. Make no mistake, Atomic Armageddon is a truly terrifying prospect for all of us. But it’s particularly bad news for Britain’s dwindling population of red squirrels. And it’s a tragedy that while the piss-bonkers POTUS does his best to wipe us off the face of the planet, these cute, bushy-tailed rodents - already endangered - will find themselves caught in the nuclear firing line through no fault of their own. With intercontinental ballistic missiles raining down like confetti, red squirrels will be subjected to endless, white hot 1000mph shockwaves…

EVER SINCE he was young, Kyle “Leadfoot” Shadrack had had a thirst for speed. As he grew up, his passion to go as fast as possible stayed with him. And when he eventually joined the family business and became a funeral director, he had just one ambition... to be the fastest undertaker in the world! And in 1964, Shadrack’s impossible dream became a supersonic reality when, at the controls of his jet-powered hearse Grim Reaper 3 , he achieved a top speed of 774.3 mph at the Bonneville Salt Flats Crematorium, Utah, covering the 3-mile marked course between the cemetery gates and the chapel of rest in just 14 seconds. Although Shadrack’s name went down in the record books,…

WE’VE all wondered what it would be like to be One of Queen for a Day, and anyone who says they haven’t is a fucking liar. But, given the chance to be a member of the world’s most iconic rock band, which one of Queen would YOU choose to be? We rounded up four of our favourite celebs and asked them one simple question: If you could spend 24 hours as one of Queen, which one of Queen would YOU be? Richard Dawkins, heretical egg-head If I had to be one of Queen for Day, I’d probably be FREDDIE MERCURY. By spending 24 hours as a dead person, I would be able to confirm once and for all that there is no God or…

FOR thousands of years, Stonehenge has been wreathed in mystery and myth. Its very existence continues to confound experts and defy explanation. But nothing about the giant stone circle that stands lonely sentinel on Salisbury Plain is as inexplicable or strange as the events of the 4th August1957. For that was the day that Stonehenge vanished off the face of the earth! It began as an ordinary day for the Wright family from Croydon. They had all been looking forward to a picnic in the shade of the prehistoric standing stones. Excitedly they packed their Morris Oxford and set off on the 90-mile trip. Mum Pat and dad Gerald were in the front, with kids Barry, 10, and 7-year-old Elaine in the back seat. The roads were quiet and with…

Debbie’s Monolith Dilemma ~ Day 53 Pretty student nurse Debbie Carter had been going out with hunky mechanic Callum Richards for 8 months. At first they had got on well, but now a nagging disagreement about how the stones of Stonehenge had been transported to their final destination on Salisbury Plain was threatening to drive a wedge between them. TEXT VOTE Who do you think is right, Callum or Steve? Text CALLUMROLLERS or STEVEBARGE to 80118. Texts cost £18 plus your standard network rate. Please wait until the billpayer has left their phone unattended before casting your vote.…

ENGLISH Heritage. Increase visitor through-put by issuing cattle prods to your volunteers so they can give a little poke up the arse to any tourists who are tempted to dawdle on the circular path around Stonehenge. Ada Carstairs, Kellogg ENGLISH Heritage. Boost gift shop postcard sales by confiscating and breaking visitors’ cameras and mobile phones before letting them in to Stonehenge. Florrie Wheat, Oxtongue STONEHENGE visitors. Whilst standing on the English Heritage path, get a sense of the sheer size of the stone circle by holding a Playmobil figure at arm’s length and squinting. If you haven’t got any Playmobil figure handy, draw a pair of shoes on the base of your thumb and a face on the nail. Bagpipes Happychap, Borth ENGLISH Heritage. Lending Stonehenge visitors a pair of…

A Timepiece fit for a King FROM TIME in memoriam, the Swiss have been renowned for two things: hoarding nazi gold and constructing the world’s most exquisite and exclusive cuckoo clocks. Now Pelion & Ossa have brought that proud tradition to its ultimate thrilling fruition with the creation of this magnificent, hand-crafted heritage keepsake, truly a neirloom to treasure and bequeath down the generations for countless millennia to come. A Romance that Gripped the World THE story of Edward & Mrs Simpson is one as old as time, an eternal tale of a love that could never be, even though it was. Torn between his duty to the country he loved and his desire to marry the glamorous, Bob Hope-lookalike American divorcee Wallis Simpson, King Edward…

ah, smell that fresh country air exclam. Something to be said after dropping a ripe guff. See also sew a button on that; anybody hurt?; speak on, sweet lips that never told a lie. Amazon-esia n. medic. Condition whereby the postie turns up with a pile of brown packages and you have no memory whatsoever of ordering any of them. Andy Murray’s arm clutching an apple, like sim. Descriptive of a very large, thick, veiny and angry-looking cock. angry cat n. A turd which leaves your nipsy hanging in tatters, like an old wind sock or a joke cigar, and it feels like you have just crapped out a Lego castle. barren trump n. A useless Exchange & Mart that has no sound or smell…