Innholdsfortegnelse for November 2016 i Viz

WHY is it when bobsleighers are awarded their medals in the Winter Olympics, the bloke on the back gets one too? I mean, come on, he’s a fucking passenger both metaphorically and literally. And don’t get me started on the four-man bob. They’re handing medals out like bully beef these days. Tarquin Palatinate, Goole IT’S no wonder women sit down to piss. I’ve just tried it and it’s much easier. A Mann, email upon somewhere HOW come the fugitives on Wanted posters are never smiling? They may have looked glum when their picture was taken, and with good reason, but now they’re out and about and probably on the piss somewhere, they’ll probably be grinning like Cheshire cats, and hence more difficult to recognise. The police should force criminals to…

“They call me the Beau Brummell of Ashington” says Dandy Bin Cleaner Brian EVERYONE likes to keep up with the latest clothing styles, eagerly scouring the rails of our local boutiques for the trendiest clothes. But one prominent North East entrepreneur says he is definitely NOT a dedicated follower of fashion. “ I don’t follow fashions, I set them, ” claims Brian Lillicrap. “ They don’t call me the Beau Brummell of Ashington for nothing. ” “I don’t know what it is, I just seem to have a flair for style,” says Lillicrap, 58, who has no formal fashion training. “I never did art at school and I failed all my CSEs. But I’ve always had this instinctive feel for the cut of clothing, the textures…

IT’S THE SHOW that has sparked a Britain-wide bread-baking boom, sent the country cake-cooking crackers and made unlikely stars out of an elderly former house-to-house electric oven demonstrator and a 50-year-old Scouse dough-prodder. 15 million of us tune in every week to see the sponge cakes rise and the drop scones fall, but how much do we really know about this must-watch show? It’s time to light the oven and sift out the plain truth from the self-raising fiction. Here’s Gas Mark... 1 The Great British Bake Off almost didn’t make it onto our screens. Luckily, in 1922 John Reith became general manager of a new national broadcasting company funded by a licence fee levied upon users. Initially concentrating on radio, the company eventually expanded its services to encompass…

SOON, vehicles with nobody behind the wheel will be a familiar sight for all of us. That’s because, whether we like it or not, Driverless Cars are coming to Britain’s roads. The boffins behind these autonomous automobiles assure us that, thanks to their sophisticated computer control systems, they will in fact be quicker, more energy-efficient and safer than their human-controlled counterparts. This can only be good news for motorists, who will at last be freed from the daily drudgery of life behind the wheel. But how will these futuristic marvels of technology work? How can a box of electronics replicate the perception, decision-making skills and road sense of an experienced driver with countless thousands of miles under his belt? Lets take a look inside one of the latest generation of…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk attitude adjustment n. A wank. ‘Och Paw, stop being so grumpy with the bairns and take yirsel’ aff tae the but’n’ben fir a wee attitude adjustment.’ bird feeder 1. n. A rigid tube, through which birds empty the nuts. 2. n. A rigid tube, through which birds empty the nuts. black lodge 1. n. An extradimensional place that features in David Lynch’s cult TV series Twin Peaks. 2. n. The state of the crapper when one has unleashed the dobermans the morning after a night on the Guinness. box hedge n. A meticulously toped landing strip resembling nothing so much as the hairstyle sported by The A Team’s Mr T. brexit n. A potentially catastrophic air biscuit launched in the overly optimistic hope that…

‘‘CALM DOWN dears, it’s MICHAEL WINNER here! You’ll know me from a variety of different things: if you happen to be a film buff, you’ll have seen one of my movies, if you’re a telly addict, you’ll recall my hilarious insurance ads, and if you work in a restaurant, you’ll have wanked into something I once ate. However, I don’t do much film-making, slogan-spouting or semen-eating these days, because I popped my clogs back in 2013. That’s right, I’m currently brown bread - a happy coincidence, as that’s also my favourite foodstuff! I absolutely adore baked flour-and-water-based loaves of all shapes, sizes and colours, and judging by this week’s Bread Winner postbag, so do all you Viz readers! So without further a-dough let’s take a look…

CONFUSE family and friends into thinking your hair never grows by arranging to see them at exactly the same intervals following each haircut. And don’t forget to account for extra days during leap years. Tom Davies, London LIVEN up Olympic diving competitions by having a huge inflatable dartboard in the water, with the competitors diving through the correct segments to score points. Dave, Jockywilsonshire SAVE money on visiting theme parks. Simply jump on buses 210 and W7 to enjoy a thrilling white knuckle ride through the road humps and highlands of North London. Neil Jackson, Neasden CAR thieves. When breaking into a car in hot weather, carry a chihuahua or other small dog. In the event of being challenged, surreptitiously slip the dog through the broken window and ‘heroically rescue’…

THE NEWS that The Great British Bake-Off is set to move to a different TV station has shocked the nation to its core. A rising tide of panic has gripped Britain ever since the BBC failed to match Channel 4’s bumper £75 million bid for the top-rated show, in which members of the public compete to cook nice cakes in a tent. Adding to the national sense of alarm, popular hosts MEL GIEDROYC and SUE PERKINS announced their intention to quit at the end of the present series. And the nation fell into a state full blown hysteria when octogenarian judge MARY BERRY announced she too would not be following the flagship show to its new home on the commercial channel. Across the country, furious Bake…

2016 is set to go down in history as the year that Viz Comic released yet another annual. Our latest compilation, The Bookie’s Pencil , is a magnificent collection of the best strips, features, spoof ads and stories from issues 232-241. We’ve discarded all the dross, leaving just the cream for our readers to savour, including… • Cartoons: The Fat Slags, Roger Mellie, Mrs Brady, Sid the Sexist and many more. • Regular Columns: Letterbocks, Top Tips and Tony Parsehole. • Informative Features: Who’s Who at a Tabloid Newspaper, Believe It or Not about Pianos and What Can You Spot on the Motorway? • Exciting Adventures: Roy’s Dad of the Rovers, The Receptionist of Dr Van Helsing and The Lapdancing Nit Nurse of Greyturrets School. All these and more, but not…

MY ATTENTION was drawn to the cricket at Edgbaston this afternoon, from where the erstwhile finagler Phil Tufnell proffered the following pearl of wisdom:“”Nice bit of rough; pop it in there, something will happen”. Gareth Davies, e-mail THIS MORNING, whilst Radio 2 travel lady Lynne Bowles was talking to Ken Bruce about the various methods of fixing sat-navs to windscreens, I distinctly heard her say: “You’ve got a twisty. I’ve got a flicky.” I tell you this: I shall never listen to Popmaster again without vomit rising in my gorge. Mrs Tetbury, Stroud “WATCH OUT if you’re thinking of entering a Gentleman’s Buttonhole,” says the Radio 4 Archers blog on the BBC website. “Lilian also fancies her chances in that category.” Well really. I’m as broad-minded as the next listener,…

DON’T waste money on expensive sliced bread. Simply buy a cheaper, non-sliced loaf and then press it firmly through a sharp cattle grid. Make sure to put a tray underneath the grid first to catch the slices. F Palmer, Fulchestershire A BAGEL coated in clear silicone caulking compound and then painted orange with little white stripes makes an ideal life belt for a hamster. M. Arsecrumbs, Norwich AMATEUR bakers. Tired of your bread not rising properly? Simply stir three Viagra pills into the dough mixture. If that doesn’t work, play hardcore pornography on a loop in front of the oven. P North, California UNLUCKY people. Sick of your bread always falling buttered side down? Simply keep your kitchen floor coated at all times with a thick layer of butter. Hey…

BALDNESS. It happens to the best of us, and Gregg Wallace. But if YOU woke up one morning to find yourself suddenly hairless, how would YOU spend 24 hours? We rounded up four of our fave celebs and asked them one simple question… What would YOU do if you were Bald for a Day ? Professor Brian Cox, synthpop scientist BEING bald for a day would be a career-ender for me. I earn my crust by being constantly awestruck by the majesty of the universe, and this wide-eyed naiveté is only possible because I have a thick, tousled head of hair, like a cheeky errant schoolboy. If I woke one morning to find my locks had vanished, I would instantly lose all my…

EDWARDS SAW RED OVER HUWMUNCULUS Black magic and devil worship at all-time high in Beeb newsroom, says lav attendant Neville We all love the news. It’s the timeless topical telly show that keeps us updated on current affairs from Tyneside to Timbuktu. Whether it’s in-depth reports from far-flung war zones or light-hearted footage of cats waterskiing, the news is everyone’s first port of call for our daily dose of international info. And at the forefront of this iconic small screen institution are the news reporters themselves: fearless anchormen and women who work tirelessly to bring us the daringest dispatches and the steamiest scoops. We welcome these seemingly friendly faces into our living rooms every evening, but how much do we REALLY know about the people behind them? According…

YOUR line manager is just as baffled as you, and is simply making it up as he or she goes along, a survey revealed today. A study of over 3,000 line managers showed that the vast majority of their time was spent trying to maintain a semblance of credibility in the face of utter confusion. “My life is a sea of meetings with people who say things like ‘increase in real-time productivity on a man-to-hour-to-seat basis,’” said one respondent. “I just say the same thing to my team and if anyone questions it, I simply promise them all one of those tubs of chocolate orange mini-bites from M&S.” cupboard The survey also revealed that once a week, an average line manager will be struck by a sudden realisation of what…

“It’s a Cracker” comic re-animated by electrical storm THE QUIET Lancashire town of Fleetwood was in the grip of terror last night after FRANK CARSON was briefly brought back to life during a thunder storm. A bolt of lightning struck a crypt in which the late comedian was interred and it is thought that this powerful electrical pulse somehow reanimated his corpse. The revivified funnyman then staggered out of the graveyard wearing extremely heavy boots and went on a joke-telling rampage in a nearby housing estate. Locals were alarmed to see the Irish funnyman, who died in 2012, lumbering around with his arms outstretched near a parade of shops. “He was uttering strange guttural noises, whilst trying to tell a joke about three Irishmen on a…

Each week, the Archbishop of Canterbury JUSTIN WELBY answers YOUR theological questions about either bread or Daley Thompson or both. Dear Justin, In Anglican Communion, is the bread supposed to be the literal body of Christ, or is it merely a symbol for Christ’s love? Also, how many Olympic gold medals has Daley Thompson won? Ethel Troutmask, Hull Justin says: Thank you for your letter, Mrs Troutmask. I’m afraid Anglican Eucharistic theology is extremely diverse in practice, so I can’t give you one finite answer to your first question. In one interpretation, those who receive the bread and wine in faith also receive the spiritual body and blood of Christ, whilst those who receive it without faith consume merely the physical signs of the Son of God. Other…