Innholdsfortegnelse for October 2016 i Viz

• DURING the recent Rio games, I really fell for glamorous Colombian triple jumper Caterine Ibargüen. In an attempt to impress her, I decided to take up the sport myself and built a regulation size Olympic triple jump run-up and sandpit in the back garden. My personal best jump so far is just over 2 metres, which is still about 13 metres short of Caterine’s gold medal-winning effort. But for a 56-year-old, 18 stone bus driver, it’s not a bad effort. Hopefully she will read this and be impressed by my efforts. If she fancies getting together, my number’s in the book. Frank Buttie, Glossop •I ALWAYS feel sorry for parrots when I see them in cages as they always seem so lonely. For goodness sake, why can’t the owners…

PACIFISTS. Don’t miss out on paintballing fun. Carry a tin of turpentine around and be your team’s ‘medic’ for the day. Mal Alcock, email SAVE money on expensive Spanish chorizo by stapling a bit of shoelace to the ends of a Peperami. Matt Oakley, Braunton CONVINCE people you are a Russian athlete by wearing a tracksuit and carrying around a bottle of someone else’s piss. Iain Devenney, Oxford RECREATE the excitement of the Olympic synchronised swimming by filling a table football game with water. J Elday, Lewisdan AFFECTING a French accent can increase the chances of Gerard Depardieu playing you in a biopic of your life. D Cooper, Horsham MAKE funerals more enjoyable by only attending the ones of people you didn’t really like. Will Mylchreest, Leamington Spa DON’T pay…

ON THE EVENING of November 7 th 1974, the bloodstained body of 29-year-old nanny Sandra Rivett was discovered slumped in the Belgravia mansion of her employer, the 7th Earl of Lucan. The playboy aristocrat - later found guilty of the murder in his absence - vanished into the night after committing his sickening crime and has never been since. Although many outlandish theories to explain his disappearance have been put forward over the years, none have ever been proven... until now. For, having spent the last fifty years investigating the world’s most perplexing criminal cold cases, the heroes of England’s 1966 World Cup victory over West Germany have finally turned their attention to the mystery of the vanished peer. And after sifting carefully through all the…

WE PLAYED Mrs Mimblehulme’s candid recording to people in the street to gauge their reaction to the Queen’s outrageous comments. “...I’m absolutely disgusted. I wouldn’t have expected to hear such words coming from the Queen’s lips. In fact, I’m going home now to smash my Diamond Jubilee mug and send Buckingham Palace the bill.” Edna Shacklady, Tring “...I’ve always been a staunch monarchist, but after hearing the Queen bragging like that about how easy she’s got it, I would happily get involved in a revolution like that which took place in France between 1789 and 1799.” Frank Todmorton, Bude “...I’m really shocked. At least the Duke of Edinburgh has never made any secret of his contempt for ordinary people. But I would have expected better from Her Majesty.” Doris Rabbits,…

SCHOOLDAYS are supposed to be the happiest days of our lives, but sadly for today’s kids nothing could be further from the truth. With the constant pressure of SATS tests, the ever-changing demands of the national curriculum to keep up with and the constant threat of cyber-bullying and revenge porn in the classroom, life for the schoolchildren of 2016 is anything but happy. Of course, it wasn’t always like this; things were different just a few short decades in the past. Let’s take a journey back in time to the carefree days of the mid-1970s and drop in on a typical comprehensive during mid-morning break to see what’s going on in... 1 A boy being good-naturedly ‘ragged’ by his chums, who are hanging him from the chainlink fence by his…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk advance to Pall Mall v. To be given the opportunity to move straight to pink. See also go back to Old Kent Road. arseholitude n. Self-inflicted loneliness. beaver-dammed adj. Female equivalent of cock-blocked. Prevented from enjoying a spot of carnival congress by forces outside one’s control. bidet n. A “shower of arseholes”. ‘The Prime Minister today appointed a veritable bidet to top positions in her new Cabinet.’ chip and dip euph. Ripping a corner off of the cardboard shitscrape tube to wipe your ringpiece in the desperate hope of getting the last bit of salsa out the jar. Cyril Smith’s legs, I could shit between exclam. Said by one whose loose duties would rate an easy 7 on the Bristol Stool Scale. A…

TRAITOROUS love rat benefits Queen Maureen Mimblehulme betrayed Her Majesty’s confidence by slyly taping a private conversation and making it public. We went out on the streets to find out just how DISGUSTED the British people were by her disgraceful actions. “... Her behaviour was abhorrent and I was abhorred by it. She is guilty of nothing more and nothing less than Treason, and she should suffer the traitor’s death. She should be hanged by the neck until she is nearly, but not quite dead, then have her entrails drawn out and burned in front of her. She should then have her head chopped off and her body cut into four pieces. Her severed head should then be placed on a spike…

YOUR gangsta rap mouse and moth queries, answered by popular hip hop fave Vanilla Ice. Dear Vanilla, Has anyone ever done a gangsta rap about a mouse, or – for that matter – a moth? Mrs Edna Ghostface, Grantham Vanilla says... * Thanks for your letter, Mrs Ghostface. I’m afraid the simple answer to your question is no, they haven’t. To my knowledge, there has yet to be an official mouse or moth-related song released within the hardcore hip hop genre. There very nearly was one back in 1988, when rap group NWA penned a foulmouthed hit entitled Fuck Tha Pest Control Association, after a local exterminator failed to deal sufficiently with a rodent problem in Ice Cube’s mum’s kitchen. However, record label bosses felt the title was…

CONVINCE your friends that you are an Olympic gymnast by rubbing your hands with chalk before commencing any task. Jay Elday, Danlewistown BUILDERS. Show that passing girl you can be PC by shouting “....keep your tits in if you want to. It’s your body.” Mal Alcock, email RUNNERS. Get the most out of your training by imagining you are being chased by a dog. After a few weeks, upgrade to a tiger and, in due course, a cheetah. George Spiggott, North Shields GIVE pet rabbits carrot cake for a birthday treat. Rodger Todger, Dodge SLEEP in your bathtub each night so if there’s a tsunami you’ll be carried to safety. Will Mylchreest, Leamington Spa FRENCH cyclists. Convince other road users that you’ve broken away from the peloton by repeatedly looking…

LAST NIGHT I dreamt I was in a country pub where I ran into Tony Blackburn in the car park. We briefly spoke about his case against the BBC before parting ways. I proceeded to then have dinner in the pub with my family, including my grandfather who was surprisingly alive and now from Birmingham. He chastised me for talking to Tony, insisting that I should have written him a letter instead (as he had done) as it was more polite. What does it all mean? Richard, Cambridge *Well, Richard, this dream is of a predominantly sexual nature. The car park represents a bed, and the pub a woman’s breasts, since you can get a drink in a pub, just like a baby drinks from its mother’s teat. Tony Blackburn,…

SCIENTISTS researching Sir Cliff Richard say that the veteran pop star could be much older than previously thought. A study carried out by Cambridge boffins that used state-of-the-art technology to count the rings in Richard’s neck concluded that the Congratulations singer could be between 350 and 450 years old! “Previously, the top estimates of Richards’s age, based on radio carbon dating and the colour of his hair, ranged from 65 to 75 years,” said lead researcher Johnny Kwango, head of the University’s Cliffological Biology department. “But our results now suggest that he is much older than that. In fact, we believe he could have been alive for four centuries or more.” “It’s amazing to think of all the history he…

WALK FROM Land’s End to John O’Groats and you’ll hear the same old argument every single step of the way: Who’s the best Diddy? For some, the only sensible answer is New York gangsta rapper P DIDDY, who keeps the planet’s toes tapping with his hardcore hip-hop hits, which include Bad Boy For Life and Shake Ya Tailfeather . Others, though, will aggressively avow that the correct response to the question is septuagenarian broadcaster ‘DIDDY’ DAVID HAMILTON, who has been bringing his own brand of pint-sized charm to Britain’s small screens and wireless sets since the late fifties. Whilst others would contend that the real champ is football ace DIDDY A DROGBA, who netted over 100 goals for Chelsea during his…

BRIT-ROCK bad boys the Libertines are adored by millions of fans for their dangerous and glamorous brand of post-punk garage rock. But now parents are being warned that the 4-piece Indie outfit, whose hits include Don’t Look Back into the Sun and Can’t Stand Me Now , are setting a dangerous example to impressionable children with their cavalier approach to personal finance. According to experts the band, whose hits include What a Waster and Up the Bracket, are a personal finance time bomb after making few plans for their future. It is aleged that all four members of the group have; • NO private pension to bolster what is expected to be a lean state payout when they reach…

* I HAVE a great deal of respect for moths as they are the only creatures I can think of that have the common decency to rhyme with the human subculture they most resemble (ie. goths). If only more creatures had the good grace to rhyme with the human subculture they most resembled, our once-great country would not be in the rotten state it’s in today. So, come on, other creatures, pull your fingers (or wings or claws or whatever) out and start rhyming with the human subculture you most resemble. Mrs Dorothy Sperm, Ely * I’M afraid Mrs Sperm (above) is talking out of her arse. Skunks, for instance, are almost identical to punks - ie. they stink and they’ve got all sticky-up, differently coloured hair. But, surprise surprise,…

• THE FIRST appearance of a mouse on the silver screen can be found in Walt Disney’s iconic 1928 animated short, Steamboat Willie. The film saw the debut of the infamous anthropomorphic rodent MICKEY MOUSE– a cheeky cartoon critter who smuggles himself on board a steam-powered cargo ship, and then spends the next 28 minutes nibbling the vessel’s electrical wiring and shitting in the crew’s Cornflakes packets. • THE FIRST appearance of a moth in the movies came more than three decades later, in the 1961 Japanese monster classic Godzilla vs Mothra. The film’s final battle sees the titular sea lizard square up to the gigantic mutant moth, whose towering stature means it is able to make holes the size of football pitches in woolly jumpers the size of Wales.…

“MUM’S GONE TO ICELAND” says the advert for the frozen food chain. But it seems as though Viz readers have all been to Iceland for their holidays, because you’ve been writing in in droves about your vacations to this little Arctic country. Here’s a selection of the best we received... I WAS recently on holiday in Iceland, and I saw that outside the town hall in Reykjavik a life-sized photograph of the Icelandic Football team had been erected to celebrate their successful performance at Euro 2016. Seeing as it was this team that knocked England out of the tournament, I thought this was in rather poor taste, so I kicked it over and started smashing it up before trying to set fire to it. Imagine my…

OLYMPIC Gold medal winner Andy Murray yesterday issued a shame-faced apology after ‘doing a runner’ from a private jet. The British number one and fellow tennis ace RAFA NADAL had chartered the luxury plane to bring them home from the recent Rio Olympic games, and had agreed to split the cost between them. But when the flight landed at Stansted airport, the tennis pros pretended to go through their pockets looking for the £50,000 fare before sprinting off in different directions. The pilot, Captain Keith Burtons told reporters how he gave chase as Murray and Nadal vanished across the tarmac. He said: “I grabbed the baseball bat I keep under my seat and ran after Murray. But I’m obviously not as fit as him as I spend all day sat…

On her Christmas Message... Queen: “...it’s just the same pile of old wank every year. Fucking state visit this, fucking family and friends that, blah-blah-blah, know what I mean? And I don’t do it on Christmas day neither, fuck that, they just stick a tree up and record the fucker in the summer ... [laughs and coughs] ... ‘ere, giz one of them fags.” Mayoress: “Yes ma’am.” Queen: “...don’t even watch the fucker, neither. Fucking boring as fuck.” On taking a break... Queen: “... I don’t stand in no queues at the airport, fuck that. I’ve never stood in a fucking queue in me life. We get drove out onto the runway, no passports, no customs, no nowt. Straight onto the fucking plane.” Mayoress: “That’s ...” Queen: “... [inaudible] ...…

PRESTON Chorley-Standish has been in charge of the Loxley Head lighthouse, 20 miles off the East Yorkshire coast, since 1975. The dazzling beam sweeping out from the top of his isolated, waveswept home, visible for over 50 miles in every direction, has long been a welcome sight for sailors at sea. Warning of a treacherous submerged outcrop of rocks, over the years it has prevented countless shipwrecks, saving an untold number of lives. But he is the last of a dying breed. For Loxley lighthouse is the final beacon in British waters to be automated, meaning that a full-time keeper is no longer required to switch on the light each night. And now, as Chorley-Standish prepares to bid a last, fond farewell to the 150ft granite tower where he has…

THE MANCHESTER lavatory cleaner who secretly recorded a private chat between Her Majesty the Queen and the Lady Mayoress of Urmston last night got a taste of her own medicine when she was EXPOSED as a SERIAL LOVE RAT living high on the hog on STATE HANDOUTS. Last week, Maureen Mimblehulme BETRAYED the Queen’s confidence by TAPING a CONFIDENTIAL conversation that allegedly cast Her Majesty in an unfavourable light, before HAWKING the salacious story to a DOWNMARKET magazine. But now the tables have been turned and Mimblehulme has found herself in the media spotlight, with some very uncomfortable questions to answer. After hacking Mimblehulme’s mobile phone, accessing her Facebook page and rifling through her bins, Viz chief investigative reporter MAHATMA MACAROON came up with a picture very much at odds…

Q: How would Sir Bruce Forsyth greet a mouse? A: “Mice to see you, to see you... mice!” J Carr, London Q: How would the Two Ronnies bid a mouse farewell? A: “It’s goodmice from me... and it’s goodmice from him!” F Boyle, Glasgow Q: How would Catherine Tate react if a moth insulted her? A: “Look at my face - am I moth-ered?! Face? Mothered?!” (Like “Look at my face - am I bothered?! Face? Bothered?!”) C Tate, London Q: How would Anne Robinson bid a mouse farewell, if it wasn’t a particularly strong mouse? A: “You are the weakest mouse... goodbye!” J Bishop, Liverpool Q: What would Victor Meldrew say if you told him something about a mouse or a moth that he found difficult to comprehend? A:…