Innholdsfortegnelse for September 2016 i Viz

•NIGEL Farage reportedly quit politics after receiving death threats following the Brexit vote. But according to his Wikipedia page, the former UKIP leader has survived cancer, being knocked over by a car, the wheels coming off his own vehicle at high speed on a French motorway and a plane crash in a Northamptonshire field. He really shouldn’t worry about getting killed, as he appears to be the Captain Scarlet of British politics. That being the case, he wants to be very careful around electricity. FE Breakfast, Travelodge •I HAVE a great fear of over-tightening nuts until the head of the bolt shears off. I know that using a torque wrench would prevent that happening, but as an insurance salesman I don’t need to tighten that many bolts on a day-to-day…

REMAIN OR LEAVE? It was perhaps the most important question we faced as a nation in decades. And the country’s shock vote to leave the EU has split the country in two, led to the resignation of the Prime Minister and caused the meltdown of the opposition. As an uncertain future beckons, the only thing our leaders seem to agree on is that they have no clue about what to do next. Fortunately, Viz readers are full of good ideas, and they’ve been writing in to give the politicians their advice on where to go from here. We’ve passed all these suggestions on to the government, whoever they were at the time of going to press. THE solution to this whole Brexit debacle is in the…

MEGA-LOL! Believe it or not, Olympic veteran LORD SEBASTIAN COE is set to miss out on the 2016 Opening Ceremony in Rio... because he’s grown a SHELL!! That’s right, my spies tell me that the Gold medal-winning former athlete, 59, has developed a tough, shiny, calcareous exoskeleton - not unlike a turtle’s - which stretches all the way from his shoulders to his lower back. Sources close to Lord Coe say the Tory-supporting Olympic legend is “saddened and appalled” by the bizarre development, and will avoid being seen in public until the shell has been safely removed and disposed of. Canyablamehim?!! FORGET TEAM GB... This year it’s all about Team BEE GEE! That’s right: word in the Olympic Village is that Stayin’ Alive singer BARRY GIBB has formed his own…

WE ALL love the Olympics. From aquatics to cycling and gymnastics to archery, each of us has a favourite discipline. And with modern technology, it’s becoming easier and easier to catch whichever event takes our fancy by simply pressing the BBC’s infamous red button. However, did you know that YOUR Olympic sport of choice says a lot about what presses YOUR ‘red button’ in the bedroom? “It’s true, you know, it does,” says undisgraced-at-time-ofwriting TV shrink DR RAJ PERSAUD. Here, Dr Raj writes exclusively for Viz on what your best-loved Olympic event might reveal about your secret sexual peccadilloes. High jump This high-flying event is a must-watch for fans of airborne action, as competitors attempt to outdo each other by leaping to superhumanly lofty levels. The discipline is perhaps best…

OUR ROADS are fast becoming a warzone. Contemptuous of the Highway Code, motorists routinely ride roughshod over UK parking rules, flouting resident-only permit regulations, ignoring yellow lines and overstaying their meter times by minutes at a time with impunity. Indeed, if things continue the way they are, we are fast heading for a Mad Max-style dystopia, with the country’s army of hard-working traffic wardens as our last desperate line of defence against out-and-out car parking anarchy. As the stakes in this battle against motorised mob rule are ratcheted ever higher, technology is at last coming to the traffic warden’s aid. And the meter men and meter maids of the not-too-distant future will be unrecognisable from the bitter police rejects familiar to us today. Here we take a sneak peek at…

back catalogue n. A bongo mag for the more dirtbox-obsessed peruser. bag of chips off the old block euph. Cruel and accurate descriptor of a daughter who is as adept at bending spacetime as was her mother before her. bailiff’s banquet n. The assorted detritus that is found once a court-appointed official takes possession of a property, eg. An artificial Xmas tree, a pair of shitted undercrackers, a well-thumbed copy of the June 1985 Reader’s Wives BumsSpecial, 20,000 cannabis plants etc. blow ballast! 1. exclam. nav. Order shouted by a submarine captain to surface the boat. 2. exclam. flat. Shouted by a person about to let loose a rip-roaring fanfare on the trouser trumpet. See also I’ll name that tune in one, please hold for the…

POLICE. Attach wifi-enabled body cameras to stray dogs and cats to increase your patrol area. For a more threatening Public Order situation, use tigers and wolves. Tim Buktu, Timbuktu GET all four colour nibs to come down at once in those multicoloured pens by sawing the tapering end bit off until there’s a big enough hole to allow all four nibs to come down together. Justin Lee Hawkins, Jesmond COFFEE table books can also be put on a sideboard. Henry, London STRUGGLING to find local tradesmen? Simply walk into a pub at some point in the afternoon. James Wallace, Belper GET headaches or migraines? Use Ibuprofen cream on your hair instead of hair gel. Jamie Cuffe, Lincoln LOCAL Councils. Make people think you are doing something about all the potholes…

HE FOUND HIMSELF in hot water back in 2007 after allegedly biting a homeless man on the ear. And QI funnyman ALAN DAVIES is in similar trouble this morning for doing the same thing... to a fully-grown African elephant! The shocking incident occurred yesterday afternoon as the corkscrew-haired jester was leaving London Zoo after a day out. enclosure Onlooker Ferris Zarathustra claimed: “Mr Davies was heading towards the main exit, when he suddenly turned and did a sort of double take at the elephant enclosure. He was staring angrily at the animals through the fence, and he kept shouting, ‘What the fuck are you lot looking at?’” CCTV footage then shows Davies, 50, furiously scaling the 40ft wall of the…

IF THERE’S one thing you can say about the iconic megastars of the 1984 Band Aid single, it’s that they definitely know when it is, or isn’t, Christmas. However, do they have any idea when it’s THE OLYMPICS? We called a few of them to ask one simple question: Do you know it’s the Olympic Games at all? BONO, U2 “I’m well aware it’s the Olympics, yes. That’s largely because we stage our very own ‘U2 Olympics’ every four years, to coincide with the real thing. It’s a great laugh, it really is - me, The Edge, Adam Clayton and the other one all compete against each other in the usual Olympic disciplines, plus a few specially selected additional ones, such as Tax Avoidance, Meaningless Environmental Posturing and Flying A…

“My husband voted differently from me and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for what he’s done.” Mrs B., Essex “Suck it up, bitch.” Mr B., Essex “I voted Remain, and whilst I was a little disappointed to be on the losing side, at the end of the day democracy was the winner.” Mr Ll, Ebbw Vale FOUR YEARS AGO, the triumphant London 2012 games brought us together as our country welcomed the world with open arms to the most successful and spectacular games in modern history. And in June of this year, the nation once again came together as one as we all joined in the knockabout fun of the EU Referendum . Should we stay or should we go?…

“Pray for the pound,” says Hammond CHANCELLOR of the Exchequer Phillip Hammond last night urged the country to start praying for Britain’s beleaguered currency, whose value has plummeted on world markets following June’s shock Brexit vote. The pound, which recently hit a thirty year low, has failed to rally despite a series of reassuring statements from the Treasury and a £250 billion cash injection from Bank of England chief Mark Carney. Addressing a press conference, Hammond pleaded with believers to beseech their chosen deity to intercede and arrest the pound’s sharp decline. “Turning to God to boost the pound may sound like a desperate act of last resort, but it is in fact part of a well thought out fiscal plan to stabilise the British economy,” he said. “Unlike more…

EACH WEEK the popular Church of England figurehead offers vague, ambiguous answers to YOUR theological questions. Dear Justin, MY beloved pet rabbit Mr Flopsy died yesterday. At first, I was utterly distraught, but then it suddenly hit me: I shouldn’t be sad at all, should I, because I’ll see Mr Flopsy again in Heaven when I pass over. That’s right, isn’t it? Mrs Ada Zanzibar, Cheam   •Justin says: “It might Welby. If you want my best guess, Mrs Zanzibar, I reckon that the chances of you seeing Mr Flopsy again in Heaven depend on three things: 1. That you led a clean, pure, sin-free life; 2. That Mr Flopsy led a clean, pure, sin-free life; and 3. That animal Heaven and people Heaven are the same place. You’ll know…

HANG UP the bunting, unfurl your Union Jack, and prepare to use the word ‘medal’ as a verb - the Olympic Games are here again. Yes, as sport-lovers across the globe all turn their eyes to sunny Rio de Janeiro, the world is preparing to go absolutely Olympics bonkers. Over the years, the iconic Games have provided us Brits with some of our most treasured sporting memories - from Chariots of Fire star Eric Liddell’s famous 400m victory to Mo Farah’s legendary double gold, via Paula Radcliffe nipping off for a shit in the middle of the marathon. And the 2016 Brazillian games are already shaping up to be the best ever! But how much do we REALLY know about this momentous 4-yearly athletic competition? When…

FOR MOST of us, the Olympic Games are a great chance to sit back, relax and watch some of the world’s top athletes in action. However, for one 3rd Century Gaulish martyr, they represent the busiest time of the year. SAINT SEBASTIAN - the Catholic Church’s patron saint of athletes - is likely to receive upwards of 15 MILLION individual prayers over the course of the 2016 Rio Olympiad, and the Vatican has today expressed concern over his ability to attend to each of them single-handedly. Speaking to reporters outside St Peter’s Basilica this morning, Patron Saint Line Manager Gianluca Battachura said: “Saint Sebastian is an absolutely blinding Saint - one of our best, in fact - but even he is simply not able to deal with the vast influx…

BEING a member of the International Olympic Committee can be a thankless task. The humble, hard-working individuals of the IOC are charged with the superhumanly stressful job of deciding the destination of each new Olympiad. Their choice is based on a number of different factors including geographical accessibility, media exposure and potential for economic development - but ultimately it comes down to which city is offering the IOC the biggest bribe. Here, we take a look at the most wild and wonderful backhanders in Olympic history... The rich and colourful tradition of Olympic bribery dates all the way back to 550 BC, when newly elected Greek general ARISTIDES presented the Ancient IOC with a brown envelope full of mink togas in the hope of staging the next Games in his…

THESE DAYS most of us pray very rarely if at all, saving our occasional religious invocations for funerals, penalty shoot-outs and during severe turbulence in an aeroplane. Some of us haven’t prayed since we were last in a school assembly. So if you’re a bit rusty about the basics of praying, here’s the Archbishop of Canterbury’s step-by-step guide to getting the most from your Heavenly Host. 1. Hands. Palms should be pressed flat together and pointing upwards, so that the prayers go straight up to Heaven out the ends of your fingertips. None of this hands-clasped nonsense. Whoever saw a ball-shaped aerial on a walkie-talkie? 2. Eyes. Keeps your eyes very tightly closed while you are praying. If it helps, think of your eyes like an oven door and your…