Innholdsfortegnelse for May 2016 i Viz

• I AM infuriated by these automated cash machines that blight our streets. Every time I insert my card, the infernal contraptions ask me for my PIN. I can’t tell you how many times I have used these machines yet still they are unable to remember a simple 4-digit number. Come on banks, get a bigger hard drive so you don’t have to keep asking for my number. Percy Fawcett, Durham • MY favourite synthpop singer is Gary Numan and my favourite US president is Harry Truman. Can any of your readers beat that, I wonder? T Ellen, London • WHY does everyone always go on about being able to see the Great Wall of China from space? I can see my garden wall on Google Earth easily and it’s…

THE BRAGGS are the socialist firebrands who help keep the red flag flying. Working class hero Billy’s anti-Tory protest songs have roused picket line rabbles for decades, whilst lifelong Labour stalwart Melvyn strives tirelessly to dismantle Britain’s outdated class system. They’re both famous champions of the Left, but which one is the leftier of the two? We put them through their paces, scrutinising their left wing creditials to find out once and for all... ROUND 1 2 Lowliness of Birth BORN in the grimy backstreets of Barking, Essex, the son of a humble hat maker who manufactured flat caps for workers, Billy might at first glance seem to have this first round sewn up. But it’s possible that his father also turned out silk toppers and straw boaters for the…

A MOVE to BAN vicar coursing has been warmly welcomed by members of the Church of England, after a controversial amendment to the Hunting Act received its second reading in Parliament. If the bill, introduced by Labour MP Derek Twatt, goes through, it will put an end to 400 years of the traditional country pursuit of running clerics to the ground with dogs. “It’s about time that this cruel practice was stopped,” said the Rev. Pious Nimmo, head of the General Synod’s Parish Affairs Committee. “How anyone can call using two greyhounds to chase a vicar across a ploughed field and tear him limb from limb a sport is beyond me. It is barbaric in the extreme.” hounds But Sir Digby Buttifant, Master of the Buccleuch Vicar Hounds in Peebles,…

ON BBC2’s Winterwatch tonight (Wednesday 27 Jan), I think I just heard Michaela Strachan exclaim that she “thoroughly enjoyed her black cock experience”; which is refreshingly frank and honest of her. But as she was talking about a male Black Grouse - a beautiful feathered inhabitant of the British countryside - I can’t honestly see there’s anything funny about it, so I’m not sure why I felt compelled to inform you of this. Mr R Jackson, E-mail Ps. I just watched it again on catch-up and that’s definitely what she said, about 15 minutes in. I HEARD it too. But my letter must have arrived after Mr R Jackson’s. Nick A.,email. DURING an episode of Ray Mears’ Outback Adventure on the Travel Channel the other night, I heard the twig-nibbling…

TEN MEN were in custody last night after Derbyshire police raided a farm building in Ilkeston where an illegal nun fight was taking place. Officers found three dead nuns at the scene, whilst two others were so badly injured that they had to be destroyed. Chief Inspector Crich Tramuseum told local paper the Bakewell Tart & Slice: “Upon breaking down the door, my men were faced with a grisly spectacle. The fights had been taking place within a makeshift ring of haybales. Knives had been tied to the legs of the nuns, who were then goaded into attacking each other by jeering spectators. There was blood, rosaries and wimples everywhere.” Ch. Insp. Tramuseum confirmed that twelve other brides of Christ who had not yet fought had also been found in…

BRITAIN’S BEST-LOVED ROAD ‘N’ RAIL TRANSPORT FORUM, WITH AMERICAN MAGIC MAN DAVID BLAINE IT’S a well-known fact that men with small penises compensate by driving cool sports cars. So by that same token, you would assume that men who own rickety old bangers must be hung like Shire horses. Well, I drive a third-hand Robin Reliant and my cock is 4 2/ 3 inches on the bonk. I wonder if the so-called experts would mind explaining that one? Barry Genitals, Essex So sang Gary Numan in his 1979 hit single Cars. However, I was sleeping in my car after the wife kicked me out, and some kids broke in, nicked my wallet and clothes, and pissed in the glove compartment. As usual, it seems it’s one rule for synthpop icons…

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Chooch. Chooch who? I’m not telling you, you’re a train! M McIntyre, London Q: Why did the train cross the road? A: Because it was at a level crossing and the barriers were down, so it was allowed. P Kay, Bolton Q: What do you call a lonely train? A: A lone-commotive! (locomotive) J Bishop, Livepool Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I keep on thinking that I’m a car! Doctor: Well park yourself here, like a car, and tell me about it! J Carr, London Q: What did the car say when it needed some help? A: Give me a hand (brake)! E Izzard, London Q: What did the car say when it needed a rest? A: Give me a (hand) brake! E Izzard, London Q: What did…

BOIL the kettle ten minutes before you fancy a cup of tea or coffee. When you actually come to make the drink, your kettle will take less time to boil, thus saving energy. Roland Butter, email WANT to insult someone and feel melodious at the same time? Try putting your insult to music. For instance, sing “Silly bastard, silly silly bastard! Silly bastard, silly silly bastard! Silly bastard, silly silly bastard! Oh! You! Silly silly bastard! Silly silly bastard, we hate you!’ to the tune of Chity Chitty Bang Bang. Vesper Gallworthy, Leeds FOOTY fans. Add a degree of decency to your sport, by chanting “You DO know what you’re doing” when a referee makes a good decision. Tim Buktu, Timbuktu CONVINCE your neighbours that you’re a nightclub bouncer by…

Justice minister signs lucrative cosmetics deal TORY JUSTICE Minister Michael Gove has been named as the new face of Rimmel Lip Gloss after signing a $5 million 3-year deal with the upmarket cosmetics brand. The 48-year-old MP for Surrey Heath said he was delighted by the new appointment, which will see him feature in magazine advertisements and on billboards. wet-look “Rimmel’s silky-smooth lip gloss gives me the wet-look, smoochable lips that my wife, poisonous Daily Mail columnist Sarah Vine, just can’t resist,” Gove told Cosmopolitan magazine. “And its guaranteed round-the-clock coverage means my delectable 3D-licious pout looks back-row ready 24 hours a day,” he added.…

“ Putting together flatpack furniture is a natural and fulfilling activity that we should all enjoy without embarrassment or prurience. Over the years, many people can become bored with furniture assembly, regarding the process as nothing more than a chore. But when two or more people come together to construct a pre-cut particle board table, cupboard or bookshelf, it should be a pleasurable and rewarding experience for everyone. In this series of frank instructional features, I will show you how to add a new and exciting dimension to sectional furniture construction, making each new project that you undertake as thrilling as the first time.” This week: The Faltskøg Chest of Drawers 1 For him: Remove all the components from the packaging, and check them off against…

ON NEWSHOUR on March 5th, BBC reporter Richard Lister painted the following delightful word picture: “They both came out smiling, and you could see Rupert Murdoch lean in. He was thinking about whether or not to respond to the press pack’s calls for a kiss on Jerry Hall’s cheek, and he decided in the end not to. She kind of laughed and pulled him off. They were there for about twenty seconds.” And I thought the World Service was something the globe was supposed to respect. R Clemens, London…

YOUR questions about road and rail transport in the afterlife, answered by the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby . Dear AB of C, WHICH side of the road do they drive on in Heaven? I only ask as we went to Marbella last summer and driving on the right was a ruddy faff, and that’s swearing. If Heaven’s anything like mainland Europe, then I’m sorry, but I’m not going. Ethel Beefheart, Heslington The AB of C says: You’re in luck, Mrs Beefheart. The New Testament tells us quite clearly that Heavenly drivers do as we Brits do, and stick firmly to the left hand side of the road: ‘And, lo, didst Saint Peter pass through the mighty gates of pearl, and enjoy right of way…

WHATEVER happened to Pippa Middleton’s arse? It was all over the papers a few years ago, but you very really see it these days. Bobby Bowels, Merthyr Tydfil * Although not so much in the news, Pippa’s arse is still very busy. In 2013, it became the sole director and shareholder in PMX Enterprises, Ltd, and has contributed articles to The Spectator, the Sunday Telegraph and Vanity Fair. In addition, in 2014 it took part in a 3,000 mile cycle race across America and a 6.5km swim in Istanbul to raise money for the British Heart Foundation.…

AN UNEMPLOYED Humberside bachelor is living in fear of his life after details of his sexy trysts with members of the royal family, including the Princess of Wales , Sophie Wessex and Kate Middleton , became public knowledge. Norris Proudcock told us: “I may be a mere commoner but I’ve had sex with a Who’s Who of the most aristocratic birds in the land. Believe you me, the notches on my bedpost read like Debrett’s Peerage.” EXCLUSIVE!  And the 62-year-old drain cleaner has a bleak outlook for his own future. “I’m an embarrassment to the establishment and now they want me dead.” Norris’s problems began several years ago when he let his secret slip during a boozy karaoke night at…

all fart and no poo phr. Said of something of little or no substance. ‘That four percent Stella is fucking rubbish. It’s all fart and no poo, if you ask me. What do you think, Oz? Oz, wake up.’ analweiss n. A small, aromatic brown flower that greets us every morning, looks happy to see us, and is often accompanied by the sound of music. beard bait n.Artisanal, locally-sourced, farm-to-table bollocks designed to attract the skinny-jeans-and-man-bun crowd. beer infection n. medic. Debilitating complaint commonly suffered the morning after a night on the sauce. Symptoms include headache, dizzyness, upset stomach, tiredness and aching limbs which can leave the sufferer bed bound. ‘Time to get up, dear. It’s Sunday morning and we’re going to the garden centre.’‘Sorry love,…

Gangsta Rappers unite to save Cornish dialect FANS OF hardcore hip-hop and ancient Celtic lexicons were celebrating last night, after some of America’s top gangsta rappers unveiled a five-point plan to save the Cornish language. The endangered native dialect, which is thought to be spoken fluently by just 500 people in the UK, is now set to be the subject of a billion-dollar global revitalisation campaign, spearheaded by some of the USA’s most notorious rap legends. death row Speaking at a packed press conference in Tintagel Town Hall, Death Row Records boss SUGE KNIGHT outlined the plan. “The Cornish language is a unique muthafuckin’ cultural asset,” he told reporters. “To stand idly by and allow it die out would be a fool’s errand. That is why myself and some of…

SEXY STAR KIM KARDASHIAN shocked fans at a glitzy film premiere last night, when she revealed that eighties soul band IMAGINATION would barely feature in her last will and testament. Busty Kim, 35, stunned onlookers at the star-studded Los Angeles event by claiming that the now-defunct funk outfit - whose hits include Just an Illusion and Music and Lights - stand to inherit only a minuscule slither of her multi-million dollar fortune in the event of her death. The curvaceous reality queen told reporters: “I’ll probably bung Imagination a few quid when I pop my clogs - maybe enough to cover an eight-pack of AA batteries or a Wetherspoon’s curry - but they certainly shouldn’t expect anything life-changing.” She added: “Sorry, guys.” Speaking to journalists outside his London home this…

IN THE fast-paced modern world in which we live in, it can be tough to hold down a job, keep up with current affairs and make time for friends and family without having to CONSTANTLY remember whether you’re in a car or on a train. But don’t worry - if you find yourself suddenly in doubt about which form of transportation you’re in/ on, this handy quiz should soon clear things up. Simply answer the questions truthfully and honestly and keep a tally of your answers to answer the question... 1 Can you wind your window down? a) Yes b) No 2 Are you able to stand up straight? a) No b) Yes 3 What can you see directly in front of you? a) The open road b) A twat…