Innholdsfortegnelse for Understanding Relationships i Understanding Relationships

Relationships are an essential part of our lives. Science has shown that they are vital for our emotional, mental and physical well-being and that being socially connected forms a key part of our happiness and satisfaction. However, it can be challenging to manage and sustain relationships with family, friends, romantic partners and even ourselves among the chaos of our busy lives. Packed full of expert guidance, inside we take a look at how to build better relationships, why we feel shy, and how to handle difficult conversations. We also explore how to boost your self-esteem, reverse negative thought patterns, and why it is important to take time for yourself.…

A good friend is worth their weight in gold but when life is busy, how often do you manage a catch up? With some people boasting hundreds of ‘friends’ on Facebook, it can be all too easy for friendships to become more virtual than real. Perhaps you used to send cards but now it is much easier to post a quick ‘Happy Birthday,’ or you’ve been messaging a friend for months but neither of you have actually spoken on the phone for a year, let alone met up to see each other in person. If this sounds familiar, it really can be worth making a little effort to bring a friendship back to (real) life. An unexpected phone call just to ask how they are, a card or ideally an…

When did you last have time to yourself? When ‘mum’s taxi’ went on strike? The laundrette was off duty? The café you run alongside your actual job shut up shop? If that’s the sound of your frazzled laugh, we’re not surprised. But this is no laughing matter. Time to unwind is “like fuel in the tank,” says psychologist Dr Jessamy Hibberd. “You need ‘self-care’ to function at your best,” she adds. “We’re not meant to be doing and thinking all of the time; we’re not machines.” “WE’RE NOT MEANT TO BE DOING AND THINKING ALL OF THE TIME; WE’RE NOT MACHINES” Me-time isn’t sitting in a bath surrounded by candles (although it can be). Self-care means going for a walk, meeting a friend or staying in bed; whatever you need…

TRY A NEW SPORT Give a new, fun, non-competitive sport a try. Pick something you would have enjoyed as a child, which is difficult to take too seriously, such as hula-hooping, rollerblading, rock-climbing, paddle-boarding, skipping with a rope or jumping over makeshift hurdles. Yoga is a form of exercise that encourages play, especially acro-yoga – a combination of yoga and acrobatics! EXPERIMENT WITH A THEME A themed night/day/hour could be a solo activity or something you do with your partner, family or group of friends. Choose a theme, such as a country or a time in history, and get into character. Pick the food you eat, the music you play, the clothes you wear, the activity you do, all according to the chosen theme. DANCE Make a playlist of your…

WEAKNESS Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” So, it’s little wonder that sharing feelings like sadness might make us feel uncomfortable and somehow ‘less than’ others. Yet that same vulnerability enables us to feel happy things too, like love. After all, falling in love definitely comes with plenty of uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. But just look at what it can bring in return. OVERSHARING Vulnerability isn’t about attention seeking. It’s not in the blaring headlines of another newspaper exclusive about a celebrity’s broken heart. Brown explains that vulnerability is about sharing our true feelings with those people who deserve to know. A SOLO EFFORT We need the support of others to help nurture our vulnerability. But the good news is that sharing is contagious. Research done…

The terms sympathy and empathy are often confused. It’s hardly surprising given that both are about relating to someone else’s distress, but whilst sympathy is about feeling sorry for someone, empathy is about imagining yourself in their unique situation. Author and professor Dr Brené Brown sums up this distinction in her RSA talk 1. In this, she shares that empathy is about connecting with others, while sympathy forces disconnection. She tells us about the findings of Theresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar, who distilled the four qualities of empathy as: the ability to take the perspective of another person; of suspending judgement; of recognising the emotions experienced in the other person and communicating that recognition. Significantly, for Brown, there’s no requirement for the empathiser to sort things out for the person…

LISTEN When someone you’re with is talking, listen to them properly and intently. Trust is a two-way connection and as they open up to you, you’ll feel more confident about opening up in return. COMMUNICATE YOUR WORRIES If you find it hard to trust due to a specific past experience, then don’t be afraid to explain this, and that you’re trying to learn to trust again. Honesty breeds trust. TAKE YOUR TIME Don’t rush into anything. Take a little time to build a new relationship and the trust that comes with it, and stick to your boundaries. DON’T ASSUME Set aside your doubts for a period of time; it can be easy to fall into a trap thinking that a person is going to let you down in some way…

If you have found it challenging to forgive those who mistreated you in the past, that doesn’t mean you can’t train yourself to forgive. Psychologists often work with those desperate to leave their painful pasts behind them and have discovered that those who struggled beforehand were able to achieve forgiveness with some guidance. One of the main factors standing in the way of this closure was overthinking. When the trauma is revisited regularly and in a negative way, this is called rumination. Whether these are angry, sad or anxious ruminations, they can continue to jeopardise mental wellbeing for as long as they persist. By keeping the neural signals for negative emotions firing in the brain, there’s not enough space between these thoughts for the forgiving process to develop. The best…

“My brother is two and a half years older than me. My parents had planned to have just one child, but then realised a sibling for Paul would be nice, so I came along. I’m naturally competitive, but as the younger child I’d lose at most games we played. Paul was just that bit more advanced, plus he’d never teach me all the rules to give himself an advantage – a fact he denies to this day. I’ve always felt on the back foot. The other areas in which I began to outstrip Paul didn’t count for much to me. Whatever Paul did, I wanted to do. I even tried to follow him to Cambridge University – while he secured a place, I didn’t. It’s still a sore point for…

If Dunbar is right and we can only handle 150 personal connections at any one time, then where does social media fit in? We might have hundreds or even thousands of connections on these networks. It’s thought that the brain can differentiate between the online chats we have with acquaintances and our face-to-face social interactions, but it still requires some of our cognitive power. This means that we could be expending some of our ‘friendship energy’ on these online connections, rather than nurturing our physical friendships. Being online also takes up valuable time, leaving us with fewer opportunities to invest in our real-life relationships. This could, over time, erode the strength of our face-to-face friendships. While social media certainly has its place to help us feel connected, ensure that it…

The one person who you need to get to know the most is yourself. Spending some quality time in your own company is one of the best ways that you can truly understand what makes you happy and what makes your soul sing. When we have too many friends, we frequently neglect our own problems as we become overwhelmed with everyone else’s. We put our own problems and worries on the backburner – but this is wrong and this is when things can get a bit too much. Take a moment to organise and reflect on your own journey, and stop worrying about everyone else. Why not take a walk to your local park or spend an hour doing something you love solitary, such as baking or making music.…

The COVID-19 pandemic changed many things about daily life, especially in relation to social contact. In fact, more than a third* of British people said they would never take hugging for granted again. And there’s good reason why staying a metre or two away from our loved ones hit hard and felt more than just inconvenient. “The reality is that hugging – an action humans have done instinctively forever – has a very real impact that reaches far beyond closeness,” says psychotherapist and couples therapist Audrey Stephenson. “Through touch we soothe emotionally, regulate neurologically, rest cardiovascularly and connect soulfully. That’s a whole lot of loss.” Here’s why a simple hug can be an instant healer… Watch out for any warning signs Oxytocin is also known to boost your mood, while…

You might discover a lover based on initial visual attraction, their beaming personality that comes through during the first conversation you share or maybe even through a recommendation from a mutual friend. However, what you may not have known is that you are subconsciously analysing their genetic make-up. This might not be the first thing you grow to love about someone, but your sense of smell creates an attraction to people with a different immune system to your own. As an incredibly beneficial evolutionary tool, our bodies aim to partner up with someone with the potential to create offspring with the best chance of survival. This is possible because a person’s unique smell is created by the same sets of genes that make up their immune system, enabling us to…

Couple sexuality and intimacy is multi-dimensional, multi-casual and complex by its very nature. There is no right way to be intimate as this is a personal journey, less about performance and outcome and more about sharing the exquisite feelings of security, trust and mutual sexual satisfaction each time with your soul mate. As Esther Perel’s theory states, there is a conflicting need for separateness and togetherness to achieve connection. Therefore, most couples’ therapy focuses less on the outcome and more on building desire, pleasure, eroticism and satisfaction, to create empowered and motivated sexual partners. There are several steps that can help in this regard: COMMUNICATE OPENLY AND HONESTLY Good communication is key to a healthy relationship. Talk to your partner about your desires, fantasies and expectations. Share your likes and…

Have you ever had a relationship – or maybe you’re in one currently – where your partner still adores his or her ex? Perhaps the signs are indirect. The occasional memory recalled with such fondness; photographs or poignant gifts still a focal point in their home; or possibly it’s more subtle than that – a seemingly innocent comparison dropped into conversation now and then. So what might be some of the drivers underlying this kind of scenario? Arguably there could be a few different configurations that lead to an instance such as this. One possibility is that your partner hasn’t fully grieved or let go of their ex and is still holding onto some unfinished business. Alternatively, perhaps the situation is congruent and there might be some of your own…

S – STOP Take a step back from the emotion of the situation. E – EXPLAIN Why you feel as you do and why did what happened take place? What you would have preferred to happen? A – AFFIRM/ACKNOWLEDGE Validate the right to feel those emotions, and also acknowledge how all the parties involved may be feeling. What role can you play in making the situation better? L – LOCK IN/OUT This can be decided after the first three steps. How do you want the relationship or situation to progress? If it’s ‘locking in’ then you need to find a way to resolve it. Alternatively, ‘locking out’ can allow you to find a way to move on and without regret or holding a grudge. LOCKING OUT If you have tried…

MICROMANAGEMENT Abusers will restrict access to aspects of a person’s life, such as finances, social contact and even medical support. Micromanagement can even extend to when and where you attend school or work. MONITORING Abusers tend to monitor a victim’s time and communication with others by reading text messages and emails. Some perpetrators will install spyware software on their victims’ computers to remotely stalk their actions online. DENIAL When confronted, the abuser will shift the blame onto the victim for causing the abuse or simply deny it ever happened. Alternatively, a perpetrator might acknowledge what’s happened but insist they have a problem. THREATS AND CRITICISM Verbal intimidation and threats of physical violence are tactics used to control victims, along with unrelenting criticism, name calling and pointing out their mistakes. ISOLATION…

“You’re beautiful. Yes, yes you are. You’re beautiful, aren’t you?” The words are spoken in a sing-song, accompanied by head nods and the broadest of smiles. It’s a recording of a mother’s first words to her newborn baby. She is holding the tiny little boy on her lap, looking intently down into his face, her own expression wide with wonder. The baby is staring up at her, his eyes rolling a bit as they are still not under his control. It is a picture of the first forming of the bonds that make us human: mother and child. The word we use to describe these links is peculiarly apt: bond. Both a joining together and, in the plural, sometimes a constriction and constraint. The bonds that join us, to parents,…

However hard one person tries, sometimes it’s not enough to get a relationship back on track, and it can be worth seeking professional help if you want to try to salvage it. “Every relationship has ups and downs, and arguments in themselves aren’t necessarily a bad or unhealthy thing if they lead to issues being resolved,” says Dee Holmes of Relate. “When something seems to be continually looping around however, and arguments become less about practicalities and more of a personal attack with insults and resentment building, that is a red flag warning sign. Counselling with a qualified couple or family therapist can provide a safe space, free from distractions for people to start to get to the bottom of what the real issues are and how to work through…

Going to parties, giving presentations, attending networking events or after-work drinks… These social interactions are just part of normal life for so many people, passing by without too much consideration. But for those who are shy, these engagements can feel more like challenges, or hurdles to be overcome, which fill a person with apprehension and anxiety. Shyness is a quality that is found in cultures around the world. It’s often grouped in with other conditions and traits, such as social anxiety (see boxout above right) or introversion, but it is distinct from both of these. Shyness isn’t a phobia of social situations in the same way that social anxiety is, and an introvert often prefers time alone to re-energise, turning down invitations through choice, not worry. Shy people often want…

HOW TO SILENCE THE BULLY WITHIN Inner speech is the running commentary each of us engages in as we go about our daily lives. Often this inner voice is compassionate and positive, helping us to make sense of the world, but it can also be self-deprecating and critical. If our inner critic becomes too vocal, it can distort our view of ourselves, leading to low self-esteem. Challenging your inner critic, and positively re-framing what it says, can help you to re-train your inner voice to be more realistic in its appraisal. For example, when your inner critic says “I’m too stupid to get this”, ask yourself: how likely is it that this is actually true? What evidence do you have to the contrary? Then, you can re-frame this thought into…

Positive affirmations have the power to transform your thinking. Mindfulness practitioner and author of And Breathe… Sarah Rudell Beach shows us how to make a mantra work for you. Words of wisdom Mantras are words and phrases that can focus your mind and reverse negative thought patterns. “You can silently repeat them in your head whenever you need them throughout the day, or say them out loud if you find it helpful,” says Sarah. “Once you discover the mantras that most resonate with you, write them down on a Post-it, or on your favourite stationery, and put them where you’ll see them regularly such as on a mirror or your fridge.” Say it with ease When choosing an affirmation it should feel comfortable and appropriate for the internal thoughts that…

Most of us spent many hours playing as children, whether it was daydreaming on our own, acting out scenes with toys, or chasing each other during breaks at school. We shrieked with laughter, covered our eyes and counted to ten, created entire imaginary worlds… and we often didn’t need much instruction, or persuasion that play was a worthwhile and necessary activity. But as we grow up, we place less and less importance on play. It starts to seem silly, a waste of precious time, or maybe even a little embarrassing. However, in recent years, there seems to have been a shift in thinking, with adult play becoming more popular. The video game industry, which has adults in their 20s, 30s and 40s as its primary consumers, has grown. Role-playing games…

We can all relate to Freddie Mercury blasting out ‘I Want to Break Free’ – deep down, who doesn’t want to shake off their shackles and soar towards a world with no limits? But somehow it just isn’t that easy. We put it down to our past, other people or circumstances, but the truth is, all that’s holding us back is the voice inside our own head. Happily, we have the power to shut that nagging old parrot up, and listen to something much kinder instead. Follow these ideas to make a start. Stop sabotaging yourself Do you sometimes feel you’re your own worst enemy? Perhaps you buy that bag you can’t really afford, eat doughnuts after a workout at the gym, wake up hungover before a job interview, or…

Although nearly everybody feels shame, Brown discovered some clear differences in what sparks the feeling in men and women. For women, it’s about how they look, with feelings around motherhood coming close behind (something that affects non-mothers too). Worse, however well women are accomplishing the things in their life, there’s still the unspoken need to be natural and modest about it all. Don’t show off. Stay sweet. For men, it’s about being seen as strong – everywhere. The necessity to not show weakness, to ‘man up’ starts early in life and goes on to permeate adulthood at home, at work, in sport and romance. In fact, one particular shame trigger for men was sexual rejection.…

Although the terms ‘jealousy’ and ‘envy’ are often used interchangeably, there is a difference between the two. “Feeling jealous towards someone usually happens when we feel possessive over something or someone and we fear we might be replaced,” explains Emma. “We feel envy when someone has something that we don’t have.” It’s possible to feel jealousy and envy at the same time. Furthermore, there are two types of envy: malicious and benign. Malicious envy comes from a place of bitterness and an ‘I want what they have’ attitude, whereas benign envy is more aspirational, along the lines of, ‘If they can do it, perhaps I can too’. A study at Tilburg University in the Netherlands showed benign envy to be a powerful motivational force, encouraging students to dedicate more time…

Research by Kevin Arceneaux, professor of political science at Sciences Po Paris, reveals that we are less likely to feel empathy for people who are different to us. We asked him why he thought this was. He replied: “Empathic response is mentally taxing. For this reason, the human mind seems to put some limits on empathic response. Research has shown that we are far more likely to react with empathy toward a single person in pain than we are to thousands of people in pain. It is possible that a similar logic applies to out-group members. Humans have a tendency to draw a circle of empathy around their in-group because it helps them avoid being overloaded. Why their in-group? One common explanation is that empathy developed as a way to…

An argument that has gone too far can feel like hell. One of you makes what seems like a fairly innocuous comment: ‘On the phone again?’ or ‘What do you mean, you forgot?’ Then, before you know it, you’re in a full-scale showdown. There may or may not be shouting, tears, eye rolling or passive aggressive, snippy comments. You can feel your anxiety levels and blood pressure rocket. Things are getting heated – or chillingly frosty – yet, you’re no closer to reaching a truce. “If you’ve got a good strong relationship with someone, whether it be a partner, sibling, friend or a work colleague, the occasional argument can be a good thing,” says clinical psychologist Dr Michael Drayton. “In a healthy relationship, arguments enable people to learn from each…

Reverse psychology is part of a phenomenon of psychology called ‘reactance’. “The idea of reactance is that people are deeply motivated to protect their freedoms,” says Jeff Greenberg, a professor of social psychology at the University of Arizona. “When people feel that their freedom is threatened — for example, they think someone is taking away their ability to make their own choices — they react against that threat. Thus, they may feel angry or defensive and try to reverse the threat,” says Greenberg. Essentially, reverse psychology takes advantage of a person’s reactance. When you use reverse psychology on a person, you’re threatening their perceptions of freedom. “Threatening this freedom makes it more appealing to choose to exercise that freedom,” says Greenberg. “Take, for example, a kid who won’t eat his…

“Having lots of siblings is like having built-in best friends”KIM KARDASHIAN “He’s rude, arrogant, intimidating and lazy. He’s the angriest man you’ll ever meet. He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup”NOEL GALLAGHER ON LIAM “My first job is big sister and I take that very seriously”VENUS WILLIAMS “It’s that middle-brother syndrome. The older child has a very clear identity, and the baby gets a lot of attention. The middle brother is a little bit in no-man’s land”OWEN WILSON “Be nice to your siblings, they’re your best link to your past and the most likely to stay with you in the future”BAZ LUHRMANN…

In general, there are some differences between male and female friendships, though the overall benefits on our health and wellbeing are much the same. Male-to-male friendships are often formed more around a shared activity and tend to be less intimate. However, they are more robust, as male friends are more likely to retain friendships after a disagreement, for example. Male groups of friends can be more tribal, meeting up in larger groups rather than one on one. Female-to-female friendships however, tend to be based more on support, intimacy and connection. Women are more likely to want to spend one-on-one time with a friend, to have time to chat and communicate their thoughts and feelings. Women tend to require more communication with each other to maintain a friendship, and these relationships…

Ending a friendship is never an easy task, but if you have identified a friendship that is no longer serving you, then it’s one that needs to be accomplished. One way of cutting someone out of your life is by slowly reducing contact and the amount of time you are spending with that person. Start by not organising to meet up as frequently, and avoid texting back as often. It might not be easy and you will inevitably miss that person from time to time, but just keep reminding yourself of why you’ve decided to let go.…

With fears of new waves of COVID-19 or other pandemics surging into society, the future of being able to hold loved ones close or giving a quick hug to welcome strangers is uncertain. “Other countries and cultures have different greetings, so it’s not the only way to welcome others and show affection,” says Dr Arroll. “As humans, we are very adaptable. What feels awkward now, such as an elbow-to-elbow bump, could, in time, become part of our physical narrative. However, research shows that although something like a virtual hug may be a nice gesture, it’s unlikely to have the same psychological impact.”…

RECONNECT WITH PEOPLE If you’re feeling lonely because of a lack of physical interaction, take the initiative to open a conversation. Send an email, letter or message to someone. It can be scary to put yourself out there, but it could lead to rediscovering a bond. PRACTISE GRATITUDE Try to get into the habit of practising gratitude. Write down three things you’re grateful for in your life each day, no matter how small. This can increase feelings of contentment and belonging. SPEAK OUT It can be really hard to talk about feeling lonely, but the chances are many people are feeling the same way. Open up to a friend or family member. If you don’t have anyone you feel you can talk to, there are listening services and forums where…

1 PUPIL DILATION When you like what you see, your pupils get wider to allow more light in. This feature is part of the ‘fight-or-flight’ response to help evaluate potential threats. However, the love of your life often isn’t a threat, and this response is usually linked to the production of oxytocin and dopamine, which are direct inducers of pupil dilation. 2 QUICKENING HEART When you feel physically or emotionally stressed, hormones called catecholamines are sent into the bloodstream. At the beginning of a relationship, people often feel nervous excitement before seeing their partner. In this higher emotional state, the hormones released are responsible for increasing your heart rate and can cause your senses to be on high alert. 3 PAIN REDUCTION Love is sometimes referred to as a drug,…

Confusion can arise in a relationship without an awareness of attachment theory. “Understanding your attachment style can help you to recognise what you really need for a truly successful partnership,” says Dr Madeleine Mason Roantree, psychologist, dating coach and director of relationship psychology services at The Vida Consultancy (thevidaconsultancy.com). “Whatever your attachment style, effective communication is at the core of developing a healthy relationship.” As Amir Levine and Rachel SF Heller explain in their book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love (£8.85/$10.65, Amazon), it’s important to speak openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings. Expressing your concerns in a loving way will help you figure out if your partner is right for you and, if…

Ultimately when assessing to what degree you have the right level of autonomy over fusion in your relationship, it’s about noticing, in any given context, whether you are truly happy in these situations and if your needs are being met. Ask yourself some questions, such as: Do I really feel this way too? What would happen if I said how I really feel? Do I feel safe enough to speak my truth, and if not, why not? Pause, and ask yourself: is this mine or yours? Where am I in all of this? This is where awareness and perhaps some mindfulness can be helpful. Develop a sense of knowing yourself, your needs and your boundaries, and take stock of situations where you feel a bit ‘swept away’. Instead, ensure your…

Thinking fondly about an ex isn’t always problematic. A recent study (2023) by the University of Kansas, US, asked volunteers to think about nostalgic memories with an ex-partner. Participants who were able to do this showed an increase in satisfaction in their current relationship, and more motivation to stick with their relationship. How so? Apparently the volunteers felt that thinking of their ex fondly showed them how much they’d grown since their former relationship. Individuals who reported an increase in relationship satisfaction also stated that they’d grown since their past relationship. Researchers believe this is because this feeling increased their appreciation of their current partner.…

Domestic abuse presents itself in many different forms, from the blatant brutality of physical violence to the cloak-and-dagger mind games of mental torture. Coercive control runs the fine line between the two. Simply put, coercive control is often defined as a pattern of controlling behaviour intended to psychologically control, and often leads to the physical weakening of someone in an intimate relationship, such as a spouse or family member. Coercive control is used as a psychological tactic employed by a close persecutor to undermine others’ self-worth and restricts the autonomy of a person’s life. The outcome of such abuse is a subdued victim entangled in the belief that their abuser is their entire support system. Due to the many branches of abusive behaviour that creates the overall tree of coercive…

It’s a long time since gas lights lit our homes, so it might seem strange that this most modern of psychological power plays is named after a defunct form of illumination. The Oxford English Dictionary named ‘gaslighting’ as one of its words of 2018; it’s only in the last few years that it has entered the mainstream as a technique of psychological manipulation. The word itself comes from Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 play, Gas Light, and the films based on the play released in 1940 and 1944, both called Gaslight. In the play and films, a husband causes his devoted wife to doubt her own sanity by secretly turning down their home’s gas lights while denying her perception that the light is changing. The term was adopted in psychoanalytic thought in…

ALLOW YOURSELF TO GRIEVE “When someone cheats on you, the relationship you thought you had with them is effectively over. Your best memories with that person are tainted, as a third party has invaded your emotional space. Don’t bottle things up. Even if you’re raging, remember that beneath anger is grief and if you suppress it, the recovery process will be compromised.” DON’T COMPARE AND DESPAIR “Comparing yourself to the person he or she cheated with, is pointless. Because your confidence has been hammered, you’re likely to put them on a pedestal and see them as far more desirable than they really are. This isn’t a competition, and what you need to focus on now is rebuilding your own sense of worth.” NEVER OBSESS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED “Sometimes people who…

Have you experienced turmoil at some point over the years? You might remember feeling strong physical sensations along with deep emotions. Maybe you had a pit in your stomach or a deep ache in your chest after a break-up. While this is normal, in some cases a sudden shock or getting terrible news can also lead to a serious change in the way your heart functions. Medically called takotsubo cardiomyopathy, ‘broken heart syndrome’ (BHS) is experienced by about 3,000 people in the UK each year, and nine out of ten of those affected are women. Here, our experts get to the heart of this condition. The pain is real Symptoms of BHS mimic those of a heart attack. “It usually occurs in people who have experienced physically and/or emotionally stressful…

Our attempts to understand what it means to belong go back to the great Greek philosophers. In his Symposium, a dialogue between the most famous Athenians of his day, Plato puts into the mouth of the comic playwright Aristophanes a half-playful, half-serious speech where he contends that all humanity’s problems are due to the gods deciding that the first human beings were too powerful and Zeus splitting every original person in half. This split has endured and we continue to search, for the most part fruitlessly, for our missing other halves. Aristotle developed a theory of friendship in his Nicomachean Ethics that continues to be useful to this day: CS Lewis, in his book The Four Loves, defined friendship as being “born at the moment when one man says to…

In 1970, a woman looking for help with her cataracts stumbled into the wrong room. Because she was functionally blind, she did not realise that she had walked into the Los Angeles County welfare office. The welfare officers saw that the woman was leading a little girl, who looked about seven, who could not talk, could barely focus her eyes, who was incontinent and barely able to swallow. The little girl, Genie Wiley, weighed 26kg and she was actually 13 years old. It turned out that Genie’s father had, from the age of two, strapped her into a straitjacket attached to a toilet during the day, and during the night he tied her into a sleeping bag in a cage. If Genie tried to speak, her father beat her with…

The boy, jumping up and down, flapping his hands. The one rocking backwards and forwards, headphones on, not meeting anyone’s eyes. The girl at the edge of the group, slightly awkward, who mimics what the other girls are doing. Or the brilliant new colleague who doesn’t quite get the joke, or smiles at the wrong moment. People make judgements on whether they wish to make friends and deep social contacts with other people based on quick, narrow slice judgements when first meeting a new individual. These judgements are largely unconscious, drawing from a whole range of apprehension of non-verbal behaviours, and they are remarkably impervious to change. And they impact very badly on people who are autistic. For these narrow-slice judgements leave those meeting autistic people for the first time…

While shyness and social anxiety share many traits, they are not the same thing. According to the NHS, social anxiety (or social phobia) is “a long-lasting and overwhelming fear of social situations.” It is an intense fear and can have a very big impact on everyday life. It’s normal to worry about going into social events or new situations, but social anxiety is more severe. It can cause panic attacks, physical symptoms like feeling sick or heart palpitations, constantly worrying about doing something wrong, a dislike of being watched and a general fear of normal everyday activities that might involve interaction with others. Social anxiety can sometimes be linked to other mental health issues too, such as anxiety or depression. For those who find their shyness overwhelming or if it’s…

MORNING AFFIRMATION ‘I’ll handle what today brings’ “When we get upset because things don’t go to plan, it’s often because we weren’t aware of our plan in the first place,” says Sarah. Think about what you’re expecting today, so you can skilfully meet the moments that don’t deliver. MIDDAY REMINDER ‘I can do this’ When things get tough during your day, repeat this mantra. “You’ve done hard things before. Know that whatever it is you’re facing, you already have everything you need to handle it,” Sarah explains. “You have your presence, your attention, and your breath. You’ve got this.” EVENING MANTRA ‘I did my best today’ Use this mantra before bed. “Reflect on what was good,” says Sarah, “what was hard, and who you helped or who helped you.”…

In 1964, Dr Marian Diamond, a pioneering scientist and educator who would go on to be considered one of the founders of modern neuroscience, and her colleagues, published an exciting paper about brain growth in rats. The scientists separated pairs of rat siblings shortly after birth, placing one in an exciting, toy-filled colony and the other in solitary confinement. They discovered that the rats raised in a playful environment had thicker cerebral cortices than the others. Subsequent research confirmed it – the rats raised in stimulating environments had bigger brains, and were able to find their way through mazes more quickly. In other words, they were more intelligent. Ethical considerations prevent similar experiments on humans, but it seems likely that our brains respond to play in similar ways. Some circumstantial…

GUILT Guilt is about doing something bad. For example, someone who steals something can learn that they did something wrong and can change their behaviour in future. SHAME Shame is about being something bad. Here, someone who steals something comes to believe that they are a thief and so has far less incentive to behave differently next time. For Brown, “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better.” VULNERABLE According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary the word ‘vulnerable’ comes from the Latin vulnus (‘wound’) and means being able to be physically wounded or having the power to wound others. More recently, its meaning has widened to include defencelessness against all forms of attack – physical, emotional and psychological. AUTHENTIC Authentic means genuine. In terms…

Executive coach Susy Roberts says: “Jealousy can occur at work if someone’s promoted and someone else believes they deserve it, or if they perceive that managers are favouring others. This can result in insecurity, perhaps leading to attempts of sabotage: talking behind someone’s back and trying to bring them down. If you’ve felt this way, talk to your boss – diplomatically. Don’t shout like a moody teenager; explain how you feel and give your reasons. Ask what you can do to put yourself in line for promotion next time. If you’re a manager dealing with a jealous person, listen to them and discuss their aspirations, then support them to achieve them. Jealousy is rarely borne of malice and is often the result of someone feeling overworked and under-appreciated. Little acts of kindness…

LISTEN DEEPLY “Usually in a conflict situation we are only listening for the pause,” says Dr Andrea, and waiting for the next chance to make our point. Instead, really focus on what the other person is saying – and you may have to read between the lines. “Sometimes it’s the issue behind the issue,” she says. ASK FOR CLARITY Before responding, make sure you really have understood what the other person is saying. Repeat it back to them to confirm. “A lot of times that, in itself, can immediately diffuse the conflict,” says Dr Andrea, “when you realise there was a misunderstanding between what they said and what you understood them to be saying.” Conflict is often inflamed by miscommunication during an argument. SPEAK SOFTLY This can immediately have a…

Forgiving someone isn’t an acceptance of the person who has wronged you, and doesn’t have to mean that you’re now okay with whatever has happened. To forgive someone means you’re simply crossing the line between being stuck focused on the past and accepting the present. You no longer want revenge, and the negative feelings that you accumulated in the aftermath are decreasing. Forgiveness is accepting the fact that it did happen, rather than torturing your brain with thoughts of the alternatives. When you are ready to move on and live in the moment, you are ready to forgive. This sounds much simpler than the reality, especially when circumstances can be complex and range in severity. We might think we are ready to move on when our minds have actually just…

“TOO OFTEN WE HOLD ON TO FRIENDSHIPS THAT NO LONGER SERVE US” Over the course of your lifetime you will, without a doubt, meet a lot of people. As we navigate our way through life, some of these people we meet will end up becoming our friends. Friendships can form when we meet people at various stages of our lives, including when we go to school and university, when we start a new job, or when we participate in hobbies. But what really defines a true friend? What are the differences between acquaintances and life-long companions? And why should you hold on to some and not others? The three types of friendships According to Aristotle we have three types of friendships: friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure and friendships of…

At some stage in our lives, we will inevitably meet someone toxic. Toxic people are draining and negative, and often the kinds of people who require too much energy and time. They are easy to identify because they can leave you feeling anxious and sad. These are the friends that we need to step away from. You can tell them your intentions by simply explaining to them face to face your reasons and walking away with your head held high. Be clear in the direction you are going in and walk away from people who don’t make you happy.…

LUST During the lust phase, men and women release the hormones testosterone and oestrogen. Oestrogen is released by women and initiates a feeling of longing for physical closeness. Testosterone is produced by men, but females also produce it in smaller amounts. This hormone, like oestrogen, increases sex drive and establishes the first stage of falling in love. At the beginning, the purpose is to have a physical relationship, rather than an emotional connection, which is yet to be built upon. ATTRACTION The second stage continues some of the feelings felt through lust, but incorporates more of the emotional impacts. You will know if you have reached the second stage if you find your heart beating faster when around the person, you begin to feel nervous upon meeting them and you…

“Our attachment models are not set in stone. One person will not necessarily display the same levels of anxiety and avoidance over time or across different relationships,” says Dr Mason Roantree. So how does this happen? “It essentially comes down to the life experiences and relationships we have in later life. For example, if you have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, being around attachment figures who are consistently supportive and responsive can help you learn secure behaviours.” One way for this to happen is through going to therapy. “The relationship you build with your therapist reflects how you engage in relationships, and as you continue in therapy you learn to tolerate difficult feelings better and how to voice your thoughts and concerns which you might not ordinarily do in a way…

A recent study reveals how sharing experiences about work can encourage balance in dual-earner couples and shape relationship and life satisfaction. The 2022 study from the West University of Timisoara in Romania* reveals how sharing details about your work with your partner can help them better understand and support you, and provide an opportunity to connect and bond over shared interests and experiences. They also found that couples who communicate openly and honestly about their work are more likely to have higher levels of relationship satisfaction and balance.…

Sex therapy can help with a number of issues. “Sexual dysfunction is common,” says Annabelle. “In fact, four out of ten women and nearly a third of men report experiencing some type of sexual dysfunction during their lifetimes.” These dysfunctions may include: • Erectile dysfunction • Loss of libido • Lack of interest • Premature ejaculation • Low confidence • Lack of response to sexual stimulus • Inability to reach orgasm • Excessive libido • Inability to control sexual behaviour • Distressing sexual thoughts • Unwanted sexual fetishes…

1. ASSESS Ask yourself whether you are actually living in the shadows of your partner’s ex or whether this is just a fear you have. Does your partner or their family make you feel like you are living in the shadow of the ex? If not, then it’s important to work on addressing your own internal fears and insecurities. 2. COMMUNICATE Speak to your partner about how you feel. Be honest about how you feel, but also be clear about what you need from your partner in order to feel more secure in the relationship. 3. SET BOUNDARIES Be clear with your partner’s ex, if they are still a significant part of your partner’s life. This could mean asking your partner to limit their interactions with their ex or making…

Domestic abuse doesn’t discriminate when it comes to gender, however women are disproportionately impacted when compared to men. For example, in the UK, around 73% of all domestic abuse-related crimes were committed against women. In 2020, 97% of those convicted of coercive control were men, according to Women’s Aid. However, there is a distinct lack of research surrounding the impact and abundance of coercive control amongst male victims, as well as members of the LGBTQ+ community. A study conducted by the University of Central Lancashire investigated the scope of coercive control amongst men. The study revealed that in many cases, men in similar domestically abusive relationships experienced comparable levels of coercive behaviour in several areas of coercion by female abusers, such as intimidation, isolation and economic control. Due to males…

The aim of the gaslighter is to keep their victim off balance and questioning their own perceptions so it can be very difficult to tell if you are being gaslighted. But if you are experiencing some combination of these feelings, then you might be being gaslighted. Confusion. At some level, the relationship does not make sense. You realise that you are lying to family and friends in order to protect the gaslighter. It becomes difficult to make even simple decisions on your own. You find yourself apologising for everything, even when you know that it’s not your fault. You start wondering if you are too sensitive. You start feeling that you are no longer the person you used to be. You realise that you are becoming cut off from other…

You might be wondering how you will know you’re ready to hit the dating scene again but there are some subtle indicators. “You’ll stop comparing new matches with your ex,” says Rachael. “You’ll also have worked through much of the anger, grief and baggage that is inevitable for anyone who’s been cheated on. My advice is once you feel ready, ease into the dating scene gently. Approach each new date as an opportunity to meet someone new and have refreshing conversations.” Take it slowly and follow these expert tips: DO THE WORK “You need to make sure you’ve worked through the most dramatic feelings related to the betrayal before leaping into something else,” says Rachael. “This takes time, it’s not an overnight job. I strongly recommend you see a coach…

CONNECTION Oxytocin is a calming, feel-good hormone that is released when we feel love, comfort and trust. Do you have a fluffy friend at home? Stroking your companion animal can also release this hormone***, so spend quality time with a cat or dog to melt away tension. MINDFUL BREATHING • Place one hand on your upper chest and one on your stomach, just below your belly. • Slowly breathe out as you count to 11. • Pause and then breathe in to the count of seven. • Repeat twice. Try to make sure that the hand placed on your stomach is the only part that moves. When stressed, we take shallow breaths using the top of our chests. Learn to breathe more deeply to help calm your mind and body…