Innholdsfortegnelse for January 2023 i Psychologies

Where do you stand on the great, annual New Year’s resolution debate? Do you belong to the one in seven of us who admit to making resolutions, or are you one of the other six who lie to the polling companies? Because, call me cynical, but I’m amazed if only 14 per cent of us will really be making a resolution to change something this new year, as the latest ‘research’ suggests. Maybe it’s the terminology people resist: a ‘resolution’ is perhaps too reminiscent of something from the UN Security Council and not quite the right word for your good intentions to make a small change in your own life. It doesn’t matter, though – whatever you call it, I think many of us will be planning to make a…

psychologies DOSSIER With you in mind At the start of a fresh new year, it’s natural to hope for happiness in the months to come. We raise a glass to happiness, and set resolutions or intentions to help us achieve success. But why wait? It’s possible to amplify your happiness now, instead of waiting for it to come to you at a magic moment in the future. So, how? It starts by identifying what makes you happy. How else will you know you’ve attained success or reached a deeper level of happiness if you don’t pin down what those things mean? You might dream of getting a foot on the property ladder, for example, while someone else’s happy-ever-after involves not being tied to one place by a mortgage. I have…

IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ♥ Connection When your mood is dictated by your relationships, happiness can feel elusive if you don’t have enough quality time with people you really connect with. You’re a people person, so relationships will always be the centre of your life, but it’s worth taking some time to reflect on your key connections, and the people you spend the most time with. Sometimes, the people who care about us most can seem the least supportive of our plans, especially if they involve change or taking a leap. They may be convinced they have your best interests at heart, but often they are responding from a place of fear. It may be that you’ve outgrown some relationships, or simply need new energy in your life to feel…

MARY FENWICK is a writer, speaker and executive coach. She is also a mother, divorcee and widow. GOT A QUESTION FOR MARY? Email letters@psychologies.co.uk, with ‘Mary life’ in the subject line. FOR MORE about Mary’s work in leadership and team coaching, her ‘Writing back to happiness’ programme and free resources, go to maryfenwick.com "Where can I find help to heal my emotional hurt? Q Last year, I had endometrial cancer and a total hysterectomy. My friends did not reach out to me in the way I thought they would; they saw me before the operation, and that was pretty much it. On my birthday this year, they dropped off cards, but I haven’t heard from them since, and I’m wondering if they are really my friends at all. I can’t…

With 12 fresh months stretching out ahead in 2023, it’s tempting for me to imagine that this time next year I could be considerably leaner, stronger, and fitter than I am now. A living, breathing before-and-after picture. An inspiration to all. Many of us have jogged down that road… setting ambitious goals that require a considerable and regular commitment to achieve, and then abandoning them because it’s all too much to fit in. Or, conversely, you achieved the big goal you set yourself and then found your motivation disappeared once the target was reached. However, there is another way – the gentle resolution. This is where you give yourself a break, rein it in, and scale down your ambitions. A cop-out? No. Not only is it more likely that you…

CHALLENGETHE ADVENTURER’S GUIDE TO In 1996, I was one of only two women in a team of 14 novices to ski to the Magnetic North Pole. I had never done an expedition – or anything even like one – before. But I said to myself, ‘If it’s meant to be, I’ll find a way to make it happen.’ I ended up skiing for 350 miles to the Magnetic North, dragging a sledge weighing 60kg – the weight of the average woman! It took a whole month. I did it because I’m led by curiosity. I thought, ‘I wonder what it’s like to survive for a month in the cold.’ And, most importantly, ‘I wonder whether I can do something like that.’ And, rather than making a judgement, I followed that…

DR KATE MASON ‘Most of us feel quite open to a new beginning,’ says psychologist Dr Kate Mason, ‘but we don’t always acknowledge how challenging it can be to manage the endings that need to happen before we can move forward.’ Learn the tools you need to cope, and how to relish the joy of new space for possibilities, on page 20. SIMONE BOSE ‘Emotional baggage is a part of who you are,’ says Simone Bose, a relationship counsellor. ‘Some of it will be light and positive, but even negative baggage has a practical purpose, protecting against future bad experiences.’ Discover the art of ‘packing well’, and deciding what to take with you on your journey through life, on page 62. DR AUDREY TANG ‘If your aim is to build…

Session three... It is common for clients to experience more change between coaching sessions than in the sessions themselves. The gap between sessions allows any newfound awareness to ‘percolate’, and can lead clients to have positive shifts in thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. The gap between sessions can serve the same purpose for coaches. I woke early one morning with Heather on my mind. I was troubled. She hadn’t fully engaged with the exercises that I had given her. I suddenly remembered that Heather talked a lot about books. She always made notes. She preferred to write the answers to my questions than say them. I remembered her saying to me, ‘You can’t tell a book by its cover’. I now wondered if she was trying to tell me something then,…

I like to start the day with an early morning walk – I relax when I ease into the blue-black. I walk with as little distraction as possible; no phone conversations, no music or podcasts. Just me and my thoughts. The quiet space that I crave on those early morning urban walks feels both comforting and calming, and thoughts that stimulate anxious feelings when in front of my laptop suddenly feel less threatening. That’s when I find myself doing a practice I call ‘Writing in the air.’ With each exhale, I imagine emptying thoughts, scattering them to the ground as I walk. With every inhale, I pull back in the thoughts and ideas I want to hold onto. In my day job as a corporate coach, I regularly prescribe journalling…

‘The pressure to be happy can make suffering even lonelier,’ points out psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber. When my dad died unexpectedly, I found myself plunged into an all-consuming experience of grief. It felt like waking up in a world where I didn’t speak the language. Friends initially encouraged my efforts to process what I was feeling via unfiltered posts on social media, but I quickly worried that I was becoming a grief bore. Then, as people stopped asking how I was, and no longer referenced my dad in conversation, I sensed that people were expecting me to be ‘over it’. The pressure – even if only in my mind – to present myself as happy again added a deep layer of isolation to raw grief. ‘That said, it’s important to…

Don’t anchor happiness to your income It’s easy to slip into the belief that more money would make you happier – and struggling to pay the bills will of course impinge upon your wellbeing – but studies show that acquiring more money does not equate to greater happiness. Since happiness isn’t tied to your bank balance, instead focus on the areas of your life that can boost your happiness, such as relationships, your work life or your hobbies. Be kind to others The self-care movement has encouraged us to invest time in ourselves, but one interesting study has found that being kind to yourself has less impact on feelings of happiness than being kind to other people does. For a happiness boost, step away from the bubble bath and commit…

‘Stop gaslighting me!’ I’m a little ashamed to say it’s a phrase I’ve used more than once when losing an argument with my husband. Ashamed to say it because we both know what it really means, and because it’s something I’ve really gone through in the past, in a different relationship. It was a horrible experience: having my version of events questioned; being told I was imagining things; being told I’d said something I definitely didn’t; or that they hadn’t said something that they absolutely, definitely had. The overall effect was to manipulate and undermine, leading me to question everything I thought I knew. As a result, I take gaslighting very seriously. So, I found it quite shocking to discover that ‘gaslighting’ is 2022’s Word of the Year, according to…

Tick the answers that most closely apply to you, then add up the symbols. Read the section, or sections, you ticked most, to find out what small tweaks will bring more happiness into your life 1 Happy people seem to know ◆ What really matters........................... □ ● Their own worth................................. □ ■ How to live in the moment ................ □ ♥ How to make others happy ............... □ 2 One of your default worries is ● Am I enough? ..................................... □ ♥ Have I done enough? ......................... □ ◆ Is this it? ............................................. □ ■ Is everyone okay? .............................. □ 3 At the end of a challenging day, you often feel ■ Numb .................................................. □ ● Worried............................................... □ ◆ Frazzled .............................................. □ ♥ Restless .............................................. □ 4 When you feel…

As anyone who has recently tried online dating will know, there are a lot of people out there looking for partners with ‘no baggage’. But this is a near-impossible ask, since we all carry some. Emotional baggage is made up of our past experiences and the associations we make between them, and the way they make us feel. Some of it is heavy and cumbersome, but some of it will be light and life affirming. ‘I prefer to call it luxury goods,’ says Susanna, a 49-year-old journalist who began dating a few years after her husband died of cancer. ‘We had a wonderful, long, loving, caring and joyous relationship. I am still both bolstered by the fact we had it, and saddened by the fact that I lost him. I…

Eat well AN ALMOND A DAY Forget the apples – it’s all about almonds when it comes to choosing a healthy, gut-boosting snack. A team of researchers from King’s College London investigated the impact of almonds on the composition of gut microbes, and found that eating a handful of almonds a day significantly increases the production of butyrate, a short-chain fatty acid that promotes gut health. MAKE MINE A MATCHA Looking to cut down on coffee in 2023? Matcha could be your new morning brew. Made from antioxidant-rich green tea, it gives a boost of energy without the coffee comedown. Casa Cura is made from the highest grade green tea leaves, ethically sourced and harvested in small batches from the birthplace of modern matcha, Uji in Japan. Casa Cura Organic…

Jackfruit Gyros ‘I first had gyros years ago: it was on Santorini after a very boozy night out. It was greasy and salty and oh-so-very-moreish. This is the stuff of post-pub desire. Vegan food does not have to be holier than thou. Thing is, these gyros feel naughty, but are full of actually pretty good stuff (notwithstanding the chips!).’ Serves 2 For the tahini sauce: ● 3–4 tbsp tahini ● 2 tbsp lemon juice ● 3 garlic cloves, minced ● Big handful of fresh coriander, chopped (or use flat-leaf parsley) ● sea salt and Aleppo pepper For the jackfruit: ● 400g (or so) can salted jackfruit (or use fresh) ● Splash of oil ● 2 tsp dried oregano ● ¼ tsp ground cumin ● 1 heaped tsp paprika ● 1…

Look up If the stars were a unique sight at the other side of the world, many of us would travel thousands of miles to see them! But they’re right there above us all – for free. Light pollution makes it hard to see the stars in all their glory, so for the best show seek out somewhere rural. West Penwith in Cornwall has been designated an International Dark Sky Park by the International Dark-Sky Association (darksky.org). And with around 16 hours of night at this time of year, there’s plenty of opportunity to view the spectacle. Find out more about visiting west Cornwall out of season via the sustainable tourism project Experience West Cornwall, at lovepenzance.co.uk/experience-pz. For the best places for stargazing near you, visit gostargazing.co.uk. CHILL OUT Ever…

We all have a lot of emotions during our lives. Personally, I have even had a lot of emotions about emotions. For most of my adult life, I have spent a lot of time thinking about emotions – not just as part of my clinical work as a psychologist, but also through my research, lectures and treatment programmes. Emotions are the central characters in your story, not a single plot point or a byline. They are intrinsic to memory, reactions, future planning, behaviour, connection and, ultimately, survival. How we understand and respond to our emotions is crucial, and can influence our health and wellbeing across our lifespan. Understanding our emotions can guide us to make decisions compatible with what’s important to us, help us deal with the stressors that life…