Innholdsfortegnelse for November 2020 i Psychologies

Sarah Bonner Organisational psychologist and coach Sarah specialises in leadership development and strategic self-awareness. She is an experienced coach and advanced Hogan practitioner who works extensively with individuals and teams within global organisations in a training, coaching and facilitation capacity. She is fascinated by human behaviour, particularly in the workplace. Watch Sarah chat to PsychologiesEditor-in-Chief Suzy Walker about how to lead a virtual team and understand your values at work at psychologiestv.co.uk. Stefania Konstantinidou English teacher Stefania teaches in a primary school in Rethymno, Crete. During a three-year sabbatical from work, she is living in a Buddhist centre to search for truth and answers, and to understand the void she feels in her life and sees in that of others. She now believes the truth lies in what is beyond…

@naturaltalent1: Chilling with @PsychologiesMag  for #Staycation2020. @GillH1973: Another interesting piece from  @DrDRHamilton in the latest edition of @PsychologiesMag. I have heard him speaking about how animals help our mental health. Agreed! @mornayoung: Delighted to have written a feature for  @PsychologiesMag this month about exploring my creativity when lockdown hit and theatres closed. Always a joy to write for my favourite magazine. @KatieThistleton: So nice to open my @PsychologiesMag  this morning and see a letter from a reader. So lovely when someone relates to what you’ve written! @ladyamygill: It’s going to be a long journey but I have company with #Psychologies Magazine @kate mcgregor_author: After a warm day typing away, it’s time to sit down with my favourite mag. Always something to learn, and a great place to find…

Bob, my best friend and companion, Working from home as an NHS staff member and offering emotional wellbeing support has had its challenges since lockdown. My wonderful dog and fur baby, Bob, has been by my side throughout this time. We took much-needed breaks together, walking across the fields where he would run ahead as I took in the beauty around me. I would put the world to rights, and he would listen unconditionally, stopping for the odd fuss. I’m not sure who got the most out our walks – him or me. Sadly, he became ill and could no longer go for walks, so the two of us spent time relaxing in the garden. It was here, between cuddles, that I would read Psychologies and the quality hours would…

THIS POSTCARD illustration is one of an enchanting collection by Helen Nicholson to celebrate mythologist and psychologist Sharon Blackie’s new book, Foxfire, Wolfskin And Other Stories Of Shapeshifting Women. A jewel for lovers of the mystical, its pages conjure up reimaginings of ancient tales, characters and beliefs from an eco-feminist angle. Blackie explores the feminine ability to transform in trying times as she celebrates the legends of our native folklore, from the Water Horse of the Isle of Lewis, supernatural forest dwellers, the Snow Queen, the bird woman of the Sliabh Mish mountains and Blodeuwedd, the Welsh flower-faced being. These tales are about coming to terms with our animal natures, how we may renegotiate our relationship with the natural world and uncover the wildness, and wilderness, within. • ‘Foxfire, Wolfskin…

WHEN IT COMES to carving out a career that you love, it’s hard to know where to begin. Fast-track your approach by marrying these three key things: something you are curious about, a passionate belief that you hold dear and the abilities that come to you most effortlessly. Journal around what lies at the intersection of your passionate belief, zone of genius and area of interest. Ask yourself: ‘What am I excited and enthusiastic about that I could offer the world via my incredible skills?’ Pick an idea and start experiencing it in some small way. You’re well on the path to your purpose! Cannons for our ‘Do What You Love’ video series and more happy hacks at psychologiestv.co.uk, a platform where world-class experts are interviewed and discuss subjects ranging…

Psychologies’ partnership with Barefoot Coaching gives you the tools to find a coach who meets your needs. Barefoot Coaching has been at the forefront of coaching and coach training for 25 years. It has a proven track record as a provider of high-level coaching and coach training to organisations and senior executives, nationally and internationally. Train as a coach with Barefoot Coaching The Barefoot Coaching International Coach Federation- accredited Postgraduate Certificate in Business and Personal Coaching is one of the most well-established coach training courses in the UK. Barefoot runs regular, free introductions to coach training throughout the year. Visit barefootcoaching. co.uk/taster-mornings to book.…

QI can’t stand my husband. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for five years and haven’t had sex for two. I’ve been financially independent for most of my life, but I am not working at the moment due to health issues and I feel trapped. After an argument, he told me that he dislikes me and only loves me sometimes. He doesn’t want a divorce. I am struggling to cope with my feelings of misery. Please help me. Name supplied A First things first: it’s probably a good idea to check with your doctor whether some of your feelings could be linked to your health issues. Hold off on any long-term decisions until you feel slightly better. Psychosexual therapist Cate Mackenzie says it’s normal to have negative feelings, even…

TWO FACTORS steered me towards psychotherapy as a career. Firstly, I started my own therapy at the age of 28. A long-term relationship had ended, I refused to process the emotional experience and fell apart. Therapy helped me cope but it was signing up for a foundation year at the Centre of Counselling and Psychotherapy (CCPE) that put me on the road to discovering myself. Secondly, I went to university. Returning to study as a mature student was a challenge but it was one I began moving towards when I signed up for a postgraduate diploma course at the CCPE, followed by an MA in transpersonal psychotherapy. Alongside this, I found a job as a counsellor, before completing my doctorate in 2012. Today, I am fortunate enough to be a…

IN THE INTERNATIONAL BESTSELLING BOOK, Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most by Bruce Patton, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen (Penguin, £9.99), the authors assert that every exchange that takes place usually contains three conversations. Once you understand this, it helps you navigate potentially stormy waters. 1 The ‘What Happened?’ Conversation. What do you believe was said and done? 2 The Feelings Conversation. The emotional impact of everyone involved. 3 The Identity Conversation. What does it mean for everyone’s opinion of themselves? It is this last conversation that is often overlooked. Known as the ‘intention – impact’ gap, the larger this is, the harder the conversation will be. In order to move forward, ask yourself, what assumptions am I making about what the other person intended by…

“Communication is a skill that you can learn. It’s like riding a bicycle or typing. If you’re willing to work at it, you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life”BRIAN TRACY IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ♥ Trust When you grow up absorbing the message that showing your emotions upsets others, you quickly learn to self-edit to protect the people you love and depend on. Were you told that being grown up means not expecting others to manage your feelings for you? It’s true that the ability to self-manage feelings is a part of emotional intelligence but if, somewhere along the line, you start to believe it’s only acceptable to reveal a certain type of emotion, you may attract people who like that you ask little of…

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‘BARE’ ROOT PLANTS are grown in the ground, then dug up for sale when they are dormant in the winter. A gardener’s best-kept secret, they are generally available between November and March. Not only are they cheaper but you have access to a wider variety of plants. So-called ‘bare’ because they are not supplied in a pot with soil, the roots are usually wrapped for moisture retention. Choose your spot, then prepare the ground by digging and loosening the soil on a day when it is not frozen. This is one time you should not be afraid to buy online. Try agroforestry.co.uk or support your local nursery. Hedgerows and roses usually do well as bare roots and there is a vast selection of fruit trees and ornamental shrubs you can…

Mid-lockdown, I was battling with low energy and mood and, if you told me that six months later, I’d feel happier than ever before, full of ideas, sleeping like a baby and taking a cold shower every morning, I would not have believed you. Then I discovered Wim Hof, 61, whose The Wim Hof Method has taken the world by storm. Hof is a force of nature who’s broken 20 world records relating to cold exposure, including climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in shorts, running a half-marathon in the Arctic Circle barefoot and standing in a container covered with ice cubes for longer than 112 minutes. He has been at the centre of multiple scientific experiments and has converted a multitude of sceptics by being the first person to demonstrate the ability…

Fifty years ago, in her essays on the pleasures of food, love and life, The Art Of Eating, celebrated American food writer MFK Fisher mused: ‘With good friends and good food on the board… we may well ask, when shall we live, if not now?’ We’ve missed coming together in recent months, but most of us can enjoy that life-affirming pleasure once more. Gathering over a smorgasbord of tasty, visually pleasing delights made with love, enjoying conversation and laughter in the comfort of home, there’s nothing quite like it… In Theo A Michaels’ book Share: Delicious Sharing boards For Social Dining (Ryland, Peters & Small, £16.99), we are inspired to create a feast for the senses, presenting eye-catching boards laden with tempting dishes to encourage guests to interact with the…

The last few months have tested the strength of our relationships and shown why connection is the glue that holds our lives together. In our Dossier on page 42, we explore how to tell the truth, communicate openly and create rewarding and real relationships. We are supporting you as we open up all the conversations this month. Sarah Niblock of the UK Council for Psychotherapy talks to therapist Dwight Turner about injustice on page 40. ‘Acts of violence against black people have sparked a global conversation about inequality. Discrimination erodes the fabric of society and can leave a deep mark on individuals,’ says Niblock. Perhaps a giant leap is needed to connect with your spirituality. Be inspired by teacher Stefania Konstantinidou on page 36, who is embracing life in a…

I love hosting the ‘Creative confidence’ Instagram live videos for Psychologies. It’s brilliant to connect with readers, encourage them to try creative challenges and feel inspired to do more. Here are a couple of pieces people created (above). One person told me they were smiling the whole time they were painting and that’s what it’s all about! Juliet Thomas • Join Juliet Thomas, founder of The Curious Creative Club, live on Instagram every Monday at 1.30pm @psychologiesmagazine and at psychologiestv.co.uk…

ONE NIGHT, ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO, I couldn’t sleep. There was a storm raging outside – the likes of which I had never experienced. I took my duvet downstairs and curled up with my dog and a copy of Extinction Rebellion’s manifesto, as I tried to drown out the thunder, lightning and – even louder – my crashing realisation about the enormity of the climate crisis. Feeling anxious about the planet and our way of life is understandable – but what can we do to feel better about it as individuals? For me, writing is an emotional outlet and a way to raise awareness and take action. Psychoanalyst Anouchka Grose shares my mindset and has written a brilliant new book, A Guide To Eco-Anxiety: How To Protect The Planet And…

By Katie Piper “It ’s an honour to be in grief. It ’s an honour to feel that much, to have loved that much”ELIZABETH GILBERT WE ASSOCIATE the word grief with losing a loved one, but many of us are grieving something else: the end of an era, loss of a job or even our identity being challenged by life changes brought on by the coronavirus pandemic. Grief can mean different things to different people and we all cope with it uniquely. In the early days of my recovery after being burned in an acid attack, I experienced an overwhelming sense of bereavement. I mourned the loss of the life I had known, a face that was changed, the girl I had been for 24 years… After a bereavement, life…

1 How to address your inner child I find the best way is to visualise her as an actual person. An old photograph can help. I imagine her doing the things she loves. I speak directly to her as if she is sitting in front of me. When talking to your inner child, use positive words and phrases, such as ‘I love you’, ‘you are good enough’, and ‘you are lovable’. Your inner child needs reassurance and acceptance. If it feels uncomfortable, write a letter to her instead. 2 Hear what she may need It is just as important to listen to your inner child as it is to talk to her. I often find Little Juju is speaking to me through my emotions. When I talk to her about…

• One of the key challenges when it comes to bullying is that the actions against you seem personal and you feel all alone. Bullying takes various forms, including verbal attacks, social exclusion and silent treatment. Author Peg Streep speaks about the ‘special kind of hurt in being treated as through you’re invisible’. • Recognise and reach out. Identifying the problem and getting support are crucial. Recognition depends on seeing a pattern. For anyone feeling unsettled at work, it’s worth making a note of incidents, recording the date and time, how you felt and whether there were witnesses. This log will be useful when you stand up for yourself and reclaim your power. • Tell someone you trust. This is the most enabling thing you can do. This step can…

Q My friend is driven by money and, the last time I saw her, I couldn’t relate to anything she was saying. To be honest, I feel quite judgy about her. But she is also sweet and I don’t want to hurt her by rejecting her. I am godmother to her son. I only see her twice a year, so should I just keep going? Name supplied A What could you do to be the most fabulous godmother ever? I’m suggesting this because it doesn’t count as friendship to be bored, say nothing, go away and complain to other people, then turn up to be bored again and repeat the whole cycle. On the other hand, there’s a new person in this relationship, and you have a licence to create…

GET THE BEST OUT OF YOU You can do this exercise at work, home or with friends to help you to understand one another better and improve communication. Each person completes the following sentences, then shares them with the others. • To get the best out of me… • In social situations… • If I am stressed or worried… • When you ask me to do something… • If you are upset or angry with me… • If you have feedback for me… • If you want to praise me or reward me… • If I say no to something… • When I want time to myself… INCREASE YOUR FLEXIBILITY Change is a constant in life and there are always going to be factors outside of our control: world events,…

• The UK Council for Psychotherapy(UKCP) is the leading research, innovation, educational and regulatory body working to advance psychotherapy for the benefit of all. We have a register of more than 8,000 individual members, who offer a range of therapy approaches for couples, individuals, families and groups. We also have more than 70 training and accrediting organisations for those who wish to become psychotherapists. • To find the right therapist for you, or learn how to become a therapist, visit psychotherapy.org.uk…

1 Set the scene. Get rid of distractions – shut your door and close down multiple windows on your browser. The clearer we can make our expression, the closer to a real interaction it becomes. 2 Have an idea of what you might say. If you envisage it’s going to be a tough conversation, work out your strategy. Plan it, don’t script it. What do you want out of the conversation? Focus on that. 3 Listen to a favourite piece of music first. Be aware that how you talk to yourself in your inner voice will be reflected on your face. This becomes much more obvious on a video call than in real life, so it’s much better to show up in a calm and happy mood than trying to…

SALVES TO SMILE ABOUT In the last of our Real Eco awards, I’ve collated the best natural, sustainable compassionate lip brands. Each of these has gone above and beyond to consider the planet in creating balms that soothe our skin. As always, our Real Eco panel of readers has tested each of the products and shared their verdict. A big thank you to our eco-conscious contributors, who have sent us reviews, videos and feedback over the past year. If you’re also concerned about the planet and want to know about other honest, green products and projects, say hi on Instagram or Twitter @Ellen_Tout. Natural choice Full of organic ingredients, this lip balm is packaged plastic-free in a handy tin. Living Naturally uses potent infusions of biodynamic organic herbs that are…

REDRESS THE BALANCE Have you ever finally secured that long-awaited promotion, business deal or house, felt elated, celebrated and thought ‘this is it!’ – only to discover, a few days, weeks or months later, that the thing you longed for has lost its shiny new edge, and you have already set your sights on something bigger and better? Achievement isn’t an ugly word, but it can turn ugly if our happiness is handcuffed to it. On this month’s pages, we look at how we can find more of a conscious balance in our heads and hearts, plus how to use our breath for tranquillity and harmony. Roll on relaxation Eve & Keel rollers combine beautiful scented oils and crystals in a pretty little keepsake bottle that’s perfect for carrying around…

1 Breathing • While seated or lying down, take 30 to 40 full, conscious breaths: Breathe fully into the belly and the chest, then let go, without force. • On your final exhalation, let your breath out and hold it out for as long as you can without discomfort. Listen to your body and don’t force it! • When you feel the urge to breathe again, take a deep breath in, hold for 10 to 15 seconds, then release and relax. • Repeat the above steps two or three more times, paying attention to how you feel. Adjust your breathing as needed. • Rest in this elevated state until you are ready to move on with your day, or use the energy you have just generated for your morning workout…

1 Brain On Nature with Sarah Allely The journalist made this intimate podcast after a cycling accident left her with a brain injury. The world was suddenly insufferably loud and the former music lover couldn’t bear even background noise. However, she found she could cope with, and even love, the sounds of nature. Forests and isolated beaches heal her, and the New Zealander explores why. 2 Prejudice And Pride – National Trust Prejudice And Pride with Clare Balding and sister podcast People’s Landscapes are top listens from the National Trust. Balding opens many a Trust closet in her look at homosexuality through history and BBC journo John Sergeant focuses on local stories in People’s Landscapes. A peek at national treasures by national treasures is just the ticket when days out…

MAKES 4 SLICES • 12 rashers smoked pancetta • 4 just-ripe bananas • Butter, for cooking • 4 eggs • 4 large slices thick-cut white bread • Pure maple syrup, for drizzling • Salt and freshly ground black pepper • Fresh berries, to serve • Icing sugar, to dust (optional) 1 Preheat the oven to 200°C , gas mark 6. 2 Line a baking sheet with baking parchment. Arrange the strips of pancetta on top of the parchment, then lay a second sheet of parchment over the top. Pat it down to stick to the pancetta and pop into the preheated oven for 10 minutes, or until the pancetta is crispy. (Placing baking parchment on top helps keep the rashers flat.) 3 Peel the bananas and cut in half lengthways.…

1 Ghosts By Dolly Alderton (Penguin,£14.99) Nina Dean, 31, is a successful food writer floundering in a sea of uncertainty. Her dad is disappearing as dementia slowly takes hold and her mum is in the middle of a midlife crisis. Max, the guy she met online, has vanished and her friends are settling down. Filled with nostalgia for the past and wondering about her future, she feels more than a little lost. Funny and insightful, it’s a brilliant look at the way we can be haunted by doubts, memories and home. 2 The End Of The Day By Bill Clegg (Vintage,£14.99) Heiress Dana Goss is fierce, forgetful and on a mission to end the 50-year-old feud with her erstwhile best friend, Jackie. Warped by unresolved…

Pema Chödrön is our favourite wise woman. Beloved Buddhist teacher, author, nun and mother, she has inspired millions of people around the world who have been touched by her example and message of practising peace in these turbulent times. The Pema Chödrön Foundation is dedicated to preserving and sharing Pema’s inspiration and teachings in order that they might help us all awaken wisdom and compassion in ourselves and the world around us. pemachodronfoundation.org To buy her books, go to shambhala.com; bookdepository.com; betterworldbooks.com…

STRESS HORMONES ARE WELL KNOWN – you produce cortisol and adrenalin when anxious – but you also have a kindness hormone which is produced because of how compassion feels in the body. The main kindness hormone is oxytocin. Mostly known for its role in reproduction, it has multiple health-giving functions. It is cardioprotective, reducing blood pressure, but it also helps sweep blood vessels clear of inflammation and free radicals. It improves immune function, assists with wound healing and aids digestion. In babies, oxytocin is crucial for the construction of heart muscle cells. So important is the kindness hormone for health that its gene is one of the oldest in the human genome at around 500 million years. Just as we typically reward good behaviour, it’s almost as if nature is…

Have you ever looked up what song was number one on the day you were born? Mine was Don’t You Want Me by The Human League. The pleading refrain from the man as he tries to convince the woman to be with him obviously seeped into my brain because it’s how I’ve felt about rejection my whole life: A mix of anxiety rising in my chest and a voice at the back of my mind shouting ‘what’s wrong with me?’ The earliest rejection I can remember was on my first day of school. I started the term late due to illness and the teacher asked the class who would play with me at break. The silence was deafening. Our lives are filled with more rejection than ever. When our grandparents…

The Psychologies-endorsed ‘Find a coach’ directory, with Barefoot  Coaching, provides readers with a choice of top coaches, all with postgraduate training and accredited by the University of Chester and the International Coach Federation. Find a coach who suits you to help you navigate and transform your life – in the areas of work, relationships, parenting and leadership. ASK THE EXPERT… Yasmine Diba asks clients to define their preferred outcomes and work towards them. She mentors a woman who is overwhelmed by family demands Q I’m struggling at home because I never get a moment’s peace. Someone always wants me to help them with their homework, read an email or finish a household task. I tried to have a bath the other day, hoping for half an hour behind a locked…

Once, I travelled around the world without flying for two years, and was blissfully happy with a backpack full of books and the space to decompress all my emotional 20-something baggage. During my adventures, I spent a good chunk of time meditating in Burma, and the nuns in the baby-pink frocks taught me how to find that space within and block out the external noise through meditation. Despite hundreds of mosquitoes, they showed me how to find calm and prevent external forces affecting how I felt. You can choose how to respond to situations. Are you going to get annoyed by the mosquito, or are you going to just let it be? Nowadays, with school runs and work commitments, my time-out periods are curtailed to moments when the house is…

MARY FENWICK is a writer, speaker and executive coach; she’s also a mother, divorcee and widow. GOT A QUESTION FOR MARY? Email mary@psychologies.co.uk, with ‘MARY’ in the subject line. FOR MORE about Mary’s one-to-one work and speaking, go to maryfenwick.com. See the ‘freebies’ tab on Mary’s website for her free guides on resilience, stress and more. QI am starting a new job in a week’s time, but I am worried because I have at least four hospital appointments coming up in the first two weeks. One of them would be on my second day at work. This came about because I started losing weight unintentionally over the past three months and, after seeing my doctor and having blood tests, I have been referred for urgent investigations as my GP suspects…

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places”ERNEST HEMINGWAY RECENTLY, I EXPERIENCED a lingering hesitancy to write in my journal. I am well accustomed with the findings of social psychologist James Pennebaker’s study on how writing about trauma benefits our long-term health. This includes lowering stress, improving immunity and better overall mental and physical wellbeing. It’s important to write about the tough stuff but not ruminate on it, hence the therapeutic journalling rule of writing for 15 to 20 minutes for three to four consecutive days. But writing about trauma is not sexy to most people so, when I stumbled across the research of psychologist Laura King, I was intrigued. King took the research further by asking groups to write about challenging times andpositive experiences,…

EXPERIENCES OF DISCRIMINATION are often held within and not expressed. One means by which they make themselves known is in dreams. Delving into this unconscious state, especially with the help of a psychotherapist, allows you to make sense of your internalised struggle of being made to feel like an outsider. When working with dreams, it is helpful to ask: 1 How am I avoiding being with the effects of discrimination? What coping mechanisms do I have in place? 2 What is happening in my dream state? Have my dreams changed? 3 What aspect of my dreams am I most afraid of or angry about? How does it represent my repressed privilege? 4 Am I aware of my unconscious other? Do I recognise this part of myself…

Of course, in an ideal world, we would all have easy and frank communication in each of our significant relationships. There’s just one tiny snag – how do we go about actually doing that? Why rock the boat by speaking up about things that are probably not even that important in the grand scheme, right? Wrong, say relationship experts. Although most people would stop short of embracing the philosophy of America’s Radical Honesty movement, where no truth is too harsh to be doled out, all in the name of authenticity, there is a way to preserve the sensitivities of our nearest and dearest while still putting across our point of view and feelings. “If you’re willing to show yourself as you really are, that helps the other partner feel safer.…

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people that you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you”DALE CARNEGIE 1 In a group, you are often the:  ♥ Peacemaker ◆ Outsider • Entertainer ■ Helper 2 You respond to conflict by:  ■ Accepting blame and apologising ♥ Working hard to resolve it ◆ Stepping back until it blows over • Pretending everything is OK 3 Your deepest connections are with people who: • Don’t expect you to be perfect ■ Let you be yourself ♥ Can almost read your mind ◆ Accept you as you are 4 At the end of a typical day, you often feel:  ■ Fragmented • Anxious ◆ Flat ♥ Disappointed 5 You’re most likely…

THAT’S WHYEACH product is carefully scrutinised by our Eco Living Editor Ellen Tout to ensure it meets our standards. The chosen products are then tested by our panel of 25 discerning readers to be rated and reviewed. We will only ever include brands we really trust – if it doesn’t match up, it’s not getting in! Cuts out plastic Vegan-friendly and cruelty-free Natural and organic Sustainable and ethical Shows real care for the planet…

WHILE OBVIOUS FACTORS can disrupt our sleep, such as too much coffee or a night on the tiles, research suggests the health of our gut may also have a significant impact on the sleep-wake cycle. It seems as though the trillions of microbes in our gut have their own daily rhythms that work harmoniously with our circadian rhythms, and one has the capacity to alter and disturb the other. The rhythms of the gut microbiome can be shaped by the timing and type of food we eat. The composition of our gut microbiome changes in response to feeding and fasting (overnight, for example). Some microbes help us absorb and digest food and others prefer a fasted state. It also works the other way around in that disruptions to circadian rhythms,…

We inhabit an increasingly fragile planet and are at a tipping point when it comes to the choices we make as consumers. How we decorate our homes is a great place to begin making a positive shift towards living more mindfully. The furniture and fabrics we buy and the paints and lighting we choose all have an impact on the world. Stylist Sara Bird and photographer Dan Duchars, authors of the new eco-conscious book Home For The Soul, believe living spaces can be both sustainable and elegant. The book is filled with beautiful photography of interiors thoughtfully curated by their owners to incorporate elements of nature, along with cleverly utilised recycled and reclaimed resources. Whether you own or rent, share or live alone, by opting for non-toxic, renewable, handmade…