Innholdsfortegnelse for May 2015 i Esquire

Stephanie Lee had been hospitalized since the day before Christmas Eve, 2014, at Mount Sinai, in New York. She had a room on the palliative-care floor. The doctors who cared for her were at pains to say they could make her more comfortable but they could not treat her cancer. She was taking massive doses of powerful pain medications. She was eating much less and sleeping much more. When a doctor described his hopes for her in terms not of getting better but of simply going home to Mississippi, she was at peace both with what he said and what he didn’t say. Then, not quite a week after she was admitted, everything changed. On December 29, a scientist and the oncologist who worked with him walked into her room…

SCOTT RAAB: Congratulations on the National Academy of Sciences award. NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Oh! I didn’t realize how loudly it got announced. SR: If I found out about it, it must have been loud. NDT: Part of me just wants to stay home and keep working rather than collecting an award. SR: Not a bad thing to be given an award for spreading knowledge, considering the strain of anti-intellectualism in American culture. NDT: I don’t think of what I do as spreading knowledge. The phrase “You’re lecturing me” is never a compliment. So I realized that’s not what I should be doing if I have any interest in compelling people to become scientifically literate. SR: What’s your secret? NDT: I’ve found that no one complains about pop culture being a…

I’d always thought genealogy was like needlepoint, aqua aerobics, or The Mentalist: not really for my demographic. Then, a year ago, I received a fascinating and somewhat alarming e-mail. It was from a man who said he was a dairy farmer in Israel— and my 12th cousin. Naturally, I thought he was going to ask me to wire $10,000 to a secure bank account in Lagos. Instead, it turns out, he’s part of the new breed of family researchers who harness technology, such as DNA tests and Wikipedia-like collaborative Web sites, to create super-family trees— actually, family jungles is a better metaphor. On sites like Geni, FamilySearch, and WikiTree, you can combine your little personal tree with preexisting trees. The results are these interlocking jungles spanning 160 countries. The biggest…

It’s the moment of truth. Your phone lies facedown on the polished mahogany, the relaxed pulse of the music blends with the sounds of a couple dozen voices engaged in pleasant conversation, the lights shining through the ranks of whiskey bottles behind the bar enfold you in an amber glow, your companion is amusing—or even, perhaps, charming—and the cocktail you’ve just taken the last sip of was cold and strong and necessary, and you can feel it reaching into each individual capillary in your body, soothing each individual nerve. The bartender stands in front of you, her eyebrow raised. What will it be? Sometimes, of course, the answer is easy: another, please, just like that one. But despite their modest size, modern cocktails are strong, and there are times when…

Retrograde amnesia, the inability to surface memories formed before a specifc date, is rare in real life, yet strangely prevalent among ’80s sitcoms and tech investors. When a company like WhatsApp can command a $20 billion valuation— that’s almost half a billion per employee—alarms should be going off like cannons. But they aren’t. The Internet’s ability to squeeze ever-greater effciency out of the industries it disrupts has propelled Uber, Airbnb, and countless others to heights that would make anyone holding a 1999 copy of The Wall Street Journal wonder what caused all these head injuries. But there is still some value to be had from disruption: biotech. The way human beings are medicated is undergoing a change that closely resembles what the Internet did to classifed ads. Instead of creating…

A 10-MINUTE WALK Exposure to direct sunlight promotes energizing body chemistry, and walking invigorates us by getting our heart pumping blood and by activating muscles. A faster clip is more effective than a leisurely stroll. BUT ... Tricky to do when it’s really hot, or really cold, or raining. THE 1 5 -SECOND BEND Bend at the waist until your head is between your knees and hold the position for 15 seconds. The rush of blood to your head will provide a quick energy boost. BUT... Not exactly subtle, and the results, though immediate, tend to wear of sooner rather than later. Great just before a big meeting, but if you need help getting through the rest of your day, better try a walk. A 10-MINUTE MEDITATION When you’re under…

 An ergonomic chair will support and slightly arch your lower back so that you won’t slump forward. Your arms should rest desk-high, creating a 90 degree angle at your elbows. Place your feet flat on the floor, and look straight at what you’re working on.  Standing desks and the like are great at energy expenditure, so it’s better to stick with a standard sitting desk and try to get up and walk around for ten minutes for every hour you sit.  Stack books beneath your monitor. This will help you look at eye level as you work, which improves posture naturally and helps with breathing. It also creates positivity.  Twice a day, find a place where you decompress for 15 minutes at a time. Your brain’s…

Pure cotton jeans can feel unforgiving, particularly in slimmer cuts, and the alternative are cotton blends woven with elastane and the like. This pair from Joe’s is made primarily from cotton and modal, a semisynthetic material that is extremely soft, colorfast, and shrink-resistant. Jeans ($169) by Joe’s Jeans; cotton blazer ($795) by L.B.M. 1911; cotton T-shirt ($68) by the Men’s Store at Bloomingdale’s; calfskin lace-ups ($170) by Florsheim; leather belt ($195) by Paul Smith. This stuf is the Roth IRA of denim: You’ve heard it mentioned and you nod along, but you’re not entirely sure what it’s about. Selvage is the denim of choice for people who are serious about denim; the jeans usually are worn rolled up so that passersby can admire the neat, clean edges of the outseam.…

Aging Rule No. 613: Some men airbrush out wrinkles and blemishes from digital photos of themselves before sharing the photos with others. Those men should stop doing that. No. 614: Profle pictures should be no more than eighteen months old. No. 615: At a certain age, you just stop having time for this nonsense. No. 616: That age is usually thirty-seven. THE CULTURAL-AGE CALCULATOR You see something that you believe is really good. Your go-to adjective is: 1. Terrific (12) 2. Sweet (10) 3. Awesome (7) 4. Boss (3) How frequently do you use Snapchat? 1. Snap-what? (14) 2. Sometimes, but I prefer Instagram. Feels more permanent. (7) 3. Juuuuuuuuust now. (3) What’s the first thing you think of when you hear the phrase “War on Drugs”? 1. The Nixon…

Rule No. 681: You still have to look behind you. And to the side. And in front. Especially while the car is in motion. No. 682: Key word is assist. No. 683: You don’t need the moonroof. No. 684: “Leather-wrapped.” Yes. “Leather-appointed.” Nah. No. 685: The proper application of the blinker smooths over a multitude of sins. No. 686: The hands-free technology will be annoying to set up. No. 687: Headlamp washers are an emblem. And not a good one. No. 688: At the end of the day, it all comes down to midrange grunt. 2015 ESQUIRE DRIVER’S TEST When a driver’s arm is pointing straight out, he is . . . 1. Making a right turn. (–5) 2. Making a left turn. (5) 3. Stopping. (–5) 4. Probably just…

Rule No. 891: You are allowed to “battle” only an army or cancer. There’s no battling of other things. Not the fu. Not a crossword. Not a housefly. No. 892: When in person, urges to fight should be resisted, generally. When on social media, urges to fight should be resisted, totally. No. 893: If over the age of thirty you are involved in a “street fight,” you need to assess your life’s direction. No. 894: If over the age of forty you are involved in a “street fight,” you need to get yourself to a hospital, because you don’t look so good.…

Rule No. 585: If it’s fast, it’s fun. No. 586: If it’s in the air, it’s fun. No. 587: If it’s in the water, it’s fun. No. 588: If it involves a dude in wraparound sunglasses and amiable demeanor whose sole job is to make sure you don’t die, it’s fun. No. 589: If it involves being stuck by yourself on a hillside along a “mountain coaster” track because you didn’t tell them your real weight, it is not fun. No. 590: Binge-watching Netfix series does not a hobby make. No. 591: When all hope is lost: board game. No. 592: Unless you’re talking Parcheesi, which is basically Candy Land for adults. No. 593: If on your journey you encounter a hand-lettered sign for a zip line, keep going. PLAYING:…

Rule No. 1,084: There is no better way to embarrass a man than to uncover and reveal the contents of his “Gym” playlist. No. 1,085: “Walking on Sunshine,” huh? No. 1,086: Nobody cares how many steps you’ve taken today. No. 1,087: Other things nobody cares about: your WOD at your local CrossFit box, your BMI, your 10K splits, how real and authentic your disease-ridden gym is, what everyone else could be doing better at the gym. No. 1,088: Any workout that allows you to read a book or complete a puzzle on your iPad while said workout is occurring is not actually a workout.…

PAGE 15 The ESQ&A: Neil deGrasse Tyson As a review is nothing but an opinion, and therefore just energy typed onto a computer, disappearing into nothingness. . . Holy shitballs! Reading this felt orgasmic in its simple truth. What a beautiful, beautiful mind. Sigh. And I love any discourse on aging and wisdom that is as sexy and earned as this. Required reading for all humans, please. PAGE 88 “How Much Better Can We Stand to Be?” Just because you can do something, people, does not mean that you should. How can a human trust another human if a machine is suggesting how to wine and dine them on a frst date? Or suggesting that the middle class, especially our artists, be destroyed? Ugh. Fuck you and your overcaffeinated, shaggy-haired,…

THE ESQUIRE DOSSIER Date of birth: October 5, 1958 Which makes him: 56 Spouse: Alice Young, a mathematical physicist and retired IT manager. Children named after planetary bodies: One; Miranda, 18, named after one of Uranus’s moons. Planetary bodies named after him: One; the “13123 Tyson” asteroid. Hometown: Bronx, New York Favorite childhood hangout: The American Museum of Natural History’s Hayden Planetarium. Where: He now serves as the Frederick P. Rose director. Selected accolades, nonscientific: A varsity letter on Harvard’s wrestling team; a gold medal in a national dance tournament with the University of Texas dance team. Category: International Latin ballroom. Selected accolades, scientific: 18 honorary doctorates; the NASA Distinguished Public Service Medal; the National Academy of Sciences Public Welfare Medal; People magazine’s “Sexiest Astrophysicist.” Notable contributions to humanity’s understanding…

ABOUT THE JOKESTER: When Kerry Bishé says she changes her mind a lot, it doesn’t mean what you think. “I’m really interested in particle physics and neuroscience,” says the 31-year-old actress, who plays a hardware genius on Halt and Catch Fire (season two premieres May 31), AMC’s period drama about the beginnings of the PC revolution. “And one of the really beautiful ideas is that just thinking about something—just imagining something—creates actual physical changes in your brain. We can change ourselves.” So what does she want to change about herself? “Everything. I want to be better at everything.” So far, she’s mastered the arcade game Space Invaders, which she ofers when asked for an example of her secret genius. Then there are her crosswordpuzzle virtuosity and knowledge of documentaries—particularly documentaries…

A MAN AT HIS BEST SPECIAL INVE STIGATION OF SLEEP, COFFEE, FOOD, EXERCISE, ENERGY BARS, MEDITATION, MEDICATION, AND A L L THE OTHER WAYS TO BUILD AND SUSTAIN ENERGY AND STAMINA ALL DAY LONG Energy is everywhere. Obviously. But more important, the energy we need to live and work and perform at our highest levels is one meal, or one workout, or one decent night’s sleep away. It’s in the hormones that course from our glands through our body to combat or create stress. It’s in the sugars and chemicals that flow through our blood to fire up (or power down) our muscles and brain. It’s in the muscles that can be trained and strengthened until every move we make requires less effort. When we understand the fundamentals of energy…

RULES OF THUMB Smaller, more frequent meals are more conducive to creating physical and mental energy than three squares. Midmorning and afternoon snacks (nuts and dried fruit, grass-fed beef jerky) keep blood sugar steady. Your body burns through carbs fast, and you want to slow down that process so that your blood sugar’s peaks and troughs are as fat as possible. Pair complex carbs, like whole-grain breads, sweet potatoes, and beans (all of which take a while to digest), with lean proteins, which will extend the process. No one kind of food is best for maximizing energy—instead, think about the relationship of one food to another, balancing your intake of carbs, proteins, and good fats. We asked chef and competitive cyclist Seamus Mullen, who transformed his diet to ease rheumatoid…

NOTE: Perform each exercise until your muscles burn like they’re on fire, and then move on to the next one. 1 . IMAGINARY CHAIR Position: Grab a pen and notepad. Put your back against a sturdy wall. Movement: Slowly walk your feet away from the wall and slide your back downward until your knees go above your ankles in a right angle. Keep your shoulders against the wall and your chin up. Have your arms bent and continue to hold your pen and notepad. Write down ten things you would like to get done. Each workout, add to the list, and then cross off what has been fnished. 2 . OBLIQUE KICKS Position: Lie on your left side, resting on your left forearm. Have your legs bent in a right…

Your jeans: Dark blue, slim fit, a little bit of stretch. Cotton-blend jeans ($168) by AG Jeans; two-button cotton jacket ($1,995) and cotton shirt ($375) by Ermenegildo Zegna; calfskin laceups ($475) by Polo Ralph Lauren; leather belt ($195) by Paul Smith. Your jeans: Medium blue, straight-leg fit, and faint distressing. Cotton-blend jeans ($218) by Citizens of Humanity; cotton sweatshirt ($98) by Todd Snyder + Champion; leather sneakers ($135) by Frank & Oak. Your jeans: Medium blue, slim and tapered (okay, skinny) fit. Washed-denim jeans ($770) by Dior Homme; leather jacket ($3,995) by Bally; cotton T-shirt ($33, pack of two) by Calvin Klein Underwear; leather boots ($345) by Coach. Your jeans: Inky selvage, with some give in the leg (just like the old days). Selvagedenim jeans ($260) and cotton T-shirt ($88)…

There is no garment that history has a tighter or more tenacious grip on than a pair of blue jeans. They are America’s myth pants, our man and manifest-destiny pants. They tell the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. And since 1890, when a Bavarian drygoods merchant in San Francisco named Levi Strauss and a Latvian tailor living in Reno, Nevada, named Jacob Davis constructed the first pair of Levi’s 501’s out of blue denim reinforced with copper rivets, “blue jeans” has been a byword for a sort of honest day’s work, a closeness to the land, to physical labor, to blood and bones and dust and grease. Unlike the airs of a blazer or the aspirational tourniquets of church clothing, blue jeans have never been about moving above one’s…

A BRIEF HISTORY Old Testament “The sons of God saw that the daughters of men were beautiful; and they took wives for themselves, whomever they chose.” —Genesis 6:2 Ancient Greece The thinking was that humans originally had four hands, four feet, and two faces, and fearful of their strength, Zeus decided to cut them in half. Humans then roamed the earth seeking their other half. Medieval Europe The era of courtly love and high-drama, high-risk romance. Characterized by later historians as a “delightful disease,” love came to assume quasi-divine undertones. “Metaphysics of Sexual Love,” Arthur Schopenhauer, 1844 “Every kind of love, however ethereal it may seem to be, springs entirely from the instinct of sex. . . .” The Descent of Man, Charles Darwin, 1871 Two men, each looking for…

An anonymous green Vmarks the door of an ordinary office in downtown San Jose, California—inside, just a pool table, ^^vhiteboards scrawled with formulas, a dozen programmers working at computers with Nerfguns attheir sides. The three founders gather in a glass-walled conference room. "What you're going to see here is a very early prototype," says DagKittlaus, the business guy "This is only a few weeks old." |[ On the screen at the end of the room, a green V appears. Green bars radiate, and then it connects. This is VÌM their bid for world domination. It's a completely new concept for talking to machines and making them do our bidding—not just asking them for simple information but also making them think and react. Right now, a founder named Adam Cheyer is…

Rule No. 843: More brown. No. 844: The brussels sprouts haven’t changed. We have. No. 845: Meat can be a condiment. No. 846: Your homemade pickles don’t taste better. Your homemade mozzarella, on the other hand . . . No. 847: Forgo the expensive charcuterie. No. 848: Charcuterie is cured meat on wood. Get a cutting board. Put some cured meat on it. Charcuterie. No. 849: Two words: Crock-Pot. No. 850: Thighs. Always thighs. No. 851: Sous vide is for having more time to talk to your guests. No. 852: Sous vide is not for talking about sous vide with your guests. No. 853: Pope’s nose is the funniest part. No. 854: You are not a cook until you’ve looked into the eyes of a dead baby pig and thought, Can’t…

Rule No. 574: Text your condolences but still call. (They won’t pick up. Leave a message.) No. 575: Prior to departing this world, prepare a document with all the passwords for your online accounts and social networks so that your next of kin can dispense with them. No. 576: Because it’s the thoughtful thing to do, that’s why. No. 577: What you do is: Make a video for your kids while you still have your wits. Tell them you love them. Tell them what you need to tell them. Leave it for them to fnd after you die. No. 578: Try telling them those things before you die, should circumstances allow. No. 579: “What do I care, I’ll be dead soon” only really means something after you turn seventy.…

Rule No. 953: Events that are inappropriate to live-tweet: Your delay waiting to board; your delay waiting to take off; your delay waiting to disembark; your delay at the baggage carousel; the mix-up at the car-rental place; the traffic on the way home from the airport; the accident causing the traffic jam; the accident that you’ve just caused because you’re tweeting and driving; your own death. No. 954: There’s a 94 percent chance that, were it not for the fact of in-flight movies, you might never have seen the work or known the charms of Rachel McAdams. Choose your in-flight viewing fare accordingly. No. 955: You are flying. Thousands of feet in the air. In a giant metal tube. Would it kill you to show a little wonder? No. 956:…

Rule No. 981: It is not rude for one to ask to be removed from a group text that one is no longer involved in. No. 982: It is, however, rude to ask to be removed from a group text with your family members. No. 983: Especially when planning a funeral. No. 984: When sent alone, this is the most disturbing emoji. No. 985: Your moral stance on the racial makeup of emojis is misplaced if you have not acted upon a similar stance about the racial diversity of television and children’s-book characters. No. 986: The proper response to “duck you” is “goose you.” No. 987: At this pint, you can no longer blame autocorrect. No. 988: Life is too short to question another man’s time-saving use of u instead…

Most of September 17, 2012, has evaporated from my mind. I still have a few memories. I have the way the surgeon’s voice shook. I remember my wife calling my name while she was still under sedation. And I have an image of the hospital floor, up close. I remember white tile and a hope: Maybe I will never have to get up. Maybe they will just let me die here. ¶ Nicole was thirty-four, and the doctor had been direct: “It’s everywhere,” he said. “Like somebody dipped a paintbrush in cancer and flcked it around her abdomen.” I staggered down a hallway and then collapsed. I remember the tile, close to my face, and then watching it retreat as my best friend picked me up from the floor. His…

A question has dogged me since we started thinking about this issue, and then as we assigned stories for it, and then as those stories came in and we all began to read them, trying to determine how they might ft together as an issue: Are we, as a culture, getting better? It’s a central tenet of the American faith that all new technological developments—whether it was the industrial revolution or the digital revolution or all the tiny minor changes that occur all the time—are improvements. That we are indeed, by virtue of creative and economic and scientific achievement, becoming better. There are a few things that cause me to question this. The first is my growing acceptance of the notion that nothing, essentially, ever really changes. I remember the…

GRAND THEFT AUTO V Platforms: PlayStation, Xbox. Earnings: $1.98 billion. Estimated cost to develop: $137 million. Setting: Fictional southern-California proxy Los Santos. Chappelle’s Show syndrome: The satirical treatment of violence, materialism, and easy sex in GTA V attracts players who enjoy violence, materialism, and easy sex. SHADOW OF MORDOR Platforms: Windows, PlayStation, Xbox. Genre: Third-person fantasy. Setting: J. R. R. Tolkien’s legendarium. Legendarium? The fictional universe in which Lord of the Rings is set. Plot: A ranger seeks revenge against the evils of Sauron for murdering his family. Bummer! Totally. FAR CRY 4 Platforms: Xbox, PlayStation. Copies sold: 7 million. Genre: First-person shooter. Plot: A man returns to his Himalayan homeland and becomes a rebel leader in a civil war. Uncontroversial sociopolitical stance: Anti-oppressive government regime. Add-on adventure: Valley of…

THE HIGHLY P RODUCTIVE HABITS OF HIGH LY ENERGETIC PEOPLE QUESTLOVE Drummer, bandleader, producer, DJ, author, foodie, teacher. Up by: 9:30 a.m. Asleep by: 4:00 a.m. “I’m always moving and doing something I want to do. That’s what gives me energy. I set the alarm for 7:00 a.m. and snooze till 9:30. Then my trainer comes over and we either run down 73 flights of stairs or box. After he kills me, I’m headed to work at 11:30. The next few hours are rehearsals or meetings, and at 4:30 they wash my hair and put on powder, and then I’m fully made up. (I just rest my head on the sink—that’s how I take my nap.) We’ll do the Tonight Show, and then from 7:00 p.m. to about 2:00, I’m…

THE MAN: Jason Jones, who is wrapping up a decade as a correspondent on The Daily Show and heading to TBS to star in a new series debuting later this year. For more on Jones’s big plans, go to esquire.com/jason-jones-blue-jeans. THE JEANS : Most of us never went for the skinny-jeans thing. We never coughed up for the designerdenim thing. And we never bought into the jeans-in-every-color-of-therainbow thing. Most of us wear what we’ve always worn—blue jeans with a little character and some give in the seat and thigh—and the best brands today are making jeans that work hard to accommodate us. Levi’s recently introduced the 541 series, designed for the guy who wouldn’t (and, frankly, couldn’t) be caught dead in slimcut jeans—there’s shape in the leg, and the ankle…

What is the genesis of the term “Canadian tuxedo”? @MARC_LEIBOWITZ Great story, hopefully true: Bing Crosby wore his favorite Levi’s on a hunting trip in Canada in 1951. While okay for the backwoods, they were inappropriate for the fine Vancouver hotel in which he was staying, and he nearly got thrown out. Upon Crosby’s return to the States, word of his ordeal got out and Levi’s commissioned a one-of denim tuxedo jacket for him. Last year, Levi’s re-created the famous Crosby tux for its Vintage Clothing line [Fig. 1, $1,800]. My jeans always wear at the crotch. Why? BERT WILLIAMS ST. PAUL, MINN.C Friction is to blame, with that critical meeting of four seams (rise, ass, and inseams) subject to more daily stress than any other part of the jeans.…

MAYBE IT’S REDHEADS who work in fashion and listen to EDM. Or, as a friend of mine recently confided, curvy girls with beautiful hands . . . who love hummus. (He’s Israeli.) Sometimes having a “type” is a way to select—or reject—potential mates. Sometimes it’s a reflection of how you want to be perceived. The bottom line? Types don’t matter. They have no bearing on who you’ll end up with. Or even who you’ll hook up with. “There’s a lot of data saying that people are really bad at telling you what they want,” says developmental psychologist Sarah Merrill, whose latest romantic-connection study found that half the participants copped to having a type. This group was more likely to have had a serious relationship in high school, but oddly enough…

MOST OF THE TIME , Conor McGregor wins fights with his fists. He has won once with elbow strikes, and he has won once by submission. But the other fifiteen times he has professionally beaten another man bloody—most recently Dennis Siver, whom he picked apart in Boston in January—it has been with his hands. His coach, an Irish mixed martial artist named John Kavanagh, has studied the physics of human combat and collision for decades, and even he can’t explain why the five-foot-nine McGregor can hit as hard as he does. The hardest hitters usually have long arms, which McGregor does, and they usually have big fists, which McGregor does, but there’s something else in him, some mysterious and extraordinary combination of desire and angle and speed, that makes his…

Rule No. 702: Swipe right, swipe left: You’re missing out on the magic and ambiguity of a meaningful relationship. Rule No. 703: When in doubt: swipe right. Rule No. 704: No good comes from staying Facebook friends with or following on Instagram someone who broke up with you. No. 705: One should text “lol” only if you laughed out loud so hard that you broke all your fngers, making it harder to type—an odd time for laughter, to be honest. No. 706: The worst that could happen is that she, in a ft of rage, uploads the photo to Facebook, on which she is friends with both your coworkers and your siblings, and has Photoshopped your face onto both of your testicles. No. 707: If she dances, you dance. No.…

Rule No. 636: A waiter who takes your order by tablet is approximately half a waiter. Rule No. 637: This digital-winelist thing is getting a little tiresome. Sit up straight. Order for the lady. Keep your elbows off the table and your questions for the sommelier. Don’t lick butter off the fsh knife. The rules for eating out back in the day were strict but easy to remember. How now, though, are we supposed to act? If the table is a counter and the soup meant to be slurped? If the house has rules against taking pictures or a single unisex bathroom? This chaos needs to be tamed with rules, albeit ones less rigid than those of old. Here are some of ours. Rule No. 638: Be cool. Don’t lecture…

Rule No. 745: In descending order of acceptable nomenclature: “gel,” “hair stuff,” “product,” “goop,” “father’s little helper.” No. 746: There is no shame in heroic hair-loss intervention. No. 747: Hair growth a man must always maintain: eyebrows, nose hair, ear hair, hair on his head (if applicable). No. 748: Hair growth a man must never maintain: arm, leg, knuckle, armpit. No. 749: Everything else: negotiable. No. 750: Never trust a man with perfectly maintained facial scruff. (See: Levine, Adam.) No. 751: “Makeup for men” isn’t a thing. It has never been a thing. It will never be a thing. No. 752: In the formerly contentious and now fairly common realm of cosmetic procedures, lasers are your friends, scalpels are your enemies, and syringes are the one-night stands that you will…

Rule No. 1,055: Some companies may be tempted to offer an online feature that allows men to upload photos of themselves for the purpose of trying on items in a digital dressing room before purchasing said items. Those companies should know those features will not work. Rule No. 1,056: Most fun new thing to shop for: a car. Least fun new thing to shop for: a cell phone. No. 1,057: Amazon Prime is worth every penny. No. 1,058: Things a man should not buy online: fishing rods, bedsheets, plants, jeans. No. 1,059: Things a man should buy online: everything else, assuming a decent return policy. No. 1,060: You did check the return policy, right? No. 1,061: When ordering a custom shirt online, the more measurements you are asked to enter,…

Rule No. 863: You look 12 percent more important wearing a hands-free headset. No. 864: But only when standing. No. 865: You do not have to respond to any e-mail sent after the end of work hours until the next workday morning because you are a human being with a soul. No. 866: Always accept the former intern’s LinkedIn request—especially from the one with the serial-killer haircut. (She can’t hurt you there.) No. 867: No, instant-messaging does not look like working. No. 868: But e-mailing friends and dates from your work account does. No. 869: An open-office floor plan is a revolutionary way to ensure that employees wear headphones and work silently all day. RULE NO. 991 IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE TO WRITE A GOOD TEXT MESSAGE. Done well—which is…

ARTIST, TARGET, 68, IN HIDING > It’s good to know what value you have as a human being. > I was in Germany, guiding a big exhibition, when a phone call came, saying: “We have bad news for you. There is a fatwa on your head: $100,000 for killing you and $50,000 extra if they butcher you like a lamb.” > I didn’t know how it worked. I was thinking: Will the murderers come within five minutes? Running at me from all directions? I found out that it was more of a proposal: If there’s someone with a good knife at home, why don’t you make a jihad? > The best thing for a work of art is argumentation. > We had this movement in 2006 in Sweden that is…

>> GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. My name is Beverly, and I’ll be your chief flight attendant this afternoon. On behalf of Captain Williams and the entire crew, welcome aboard Freedom Air flight 111 to San Diego. Our flight time today will be approximately five hours and forty-five minutes. >> THERE ARE SEVERAL EMERGENCY EXITS ON THIS aircraft. Each door is equipped with an inflatable slide, which may be detached and used as a life raft. For our customers flying economy today, premium access to the emergency exits may be purchased for just twelve dollars. Access to the raft is limited to first- and business-class customers only. Thank you for your understanding. >> PLEASE ENSURE YOUR SEAT BACKS AND TRAY tables are in their full-upright and locked position, and that…